Burdens - Literature (2) - Nairaland
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| Re: Burdens by Nobody: 11:20am On May 07, 2015 |
D9ty7:lol anyways u still wrote CRAP 1 Like |
| Re: Burdens by Nobody: 11:23am On May 07, 2015 |
kitnah crap 1 Like |
| Re: Burdens by Nobody: 11:28am On May 07, 2015 |
Chapter two Jane saw a familiar structure outside her gate through her windscreen, who could that be?? When she left the house in the morning, she didn't have any appointment with anyone. She quickly increased her speed to quench her anxiety, she wiped her face, because she had been crying since. When she got down, She saw Anita standing in the sun, what she looking for?? Anita quickly scanned Jane, and she saw that she hasn't changed a bit, she still maintained her slim structure, the lovely full bow of her upper lips, her high cheekbones, her sexy little dimples, her pointed nose, everything was still intact and she was still rocking her short bobbed hair. "What are you doing here??" Jane asked and snapped Anita from her reverie "Eerm, I want to sort things out with you, can I come in??" "Anita Williams, the last time I gave you a chance,you ruined my life, I don't want you to ruin, the already ruined life, please give me a reason why I shouldn't walk out on you??" "Janet,please,I really need to talk" Anita pleaded "Tell that to the bird!! Drop the Nice-girl facade, you can't fool me anymore, I know who you are, Godwin deserves better than you,bit'ch!" "Enough!!" She screamed " I want us to talk,SIMPLE" "I can see your mojo is coming up, read my lips, we have nothing to talk about, Now crawl back home, and stop playing the victim" Jane said when she saw the tears that streamed down Anita's face. "Jane pleassssssseeeeeeeeee" Anita said with her breaking voice. "Save it!! You're nothing but a coven of tardy narcissist, who derived pleasure in stabbing other people's back, you're a traitor, a liar, a wolf in sheep's clothing, and I pray you'll meet your waterloo soonest!!" Jane slammed the door hard,a rude way of saying the conversation is over. ------- When fools talk,all you need to do is ignore!! 1 Like |
| Re: Burdens by Nobody: 11:34am On May 07, 2015 |
kitnah: |
| Re: Burdens by Nobody: 11:36am On May 07, 2015 |
kitnah, kitnah, kitnah my dear lovely and beautiful kitnah, u make me laugh "anyways ur story is CRAP. 1 Like |
| Re: Burdens by toykathy(f): 12:10pm On May 07, 2015 |
D9ty7: this is most likely d first tym i wud see u comment like dis. Kitnah, u re such a lucky gal. 2 Likes |
| Re: Burdens by D9ty7(m): 12:17pm On May 07, 2015 |
 toykathy: |
| Re: Burdens by Nobody: 12:27pm On May 07, 2015 |
Kitnah, you're doing fine. Just try to up your diction. You should pay an extra attention to description. Also, watch your punctuations, I told you that, already. Here's an example- "Enough!!" She screamed " I want us to talk,SIMPLE" It could have been- "Enough!" She screamed. "I want us to talk, simple!" Just pay attention to these and I see you going places. 2 Likes |
| Re: Burdens by Nobody: 1:28pm On May 07, 2015 |
thronekid:Okay.........thank you so much,duly noted. toykathy:*singing* I feel good........tararararara Ain't I lucky to have a boss to myself?? |
| Re: Burdens by AnonymX: 2:05pm On May 07, 2015 |
kitnah: If you ever make it an eBook or a paperback, I'll give it a review. Hire me... cc mk82 https://www.fiverr.com/s2/3435aa7155 Thanks |
| Re: Burdens by Nobody: 2:18pm On May 07, 2015 |
AnonymX:Ohh! Thanks for considering that,but I'm not making it an ebook,I don't think its' qualified enough,now that's why I need your review,please if you won't mind,you can give your review on this thread as well. Thanks! |
| Re: Burdens by jenyna: 3:59pm On May 07, 2015 |
Good story, carry on girl 1 Like |
| Re: Burdens by Nobody: 8:13pm On May 07, 2015 |
HELLO MY FELLOW LITERATURE-LANDERS,
THIS IS ADEH39,
THIS IS TO INFORM U THAT THE MISS
NAIRALAND 2015 CONTEST IS CURRENTLY
GOING ON, AND I AM ONE OF THE
CONTESTANTS.
I CAN'T DO IT ALONE, I NEED THE HELP OF U
GUYS, I WILL HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR IF I HAVE
YOU PEOPLE AT MY BACK.
PLS, HELP UR LITTLE SISTER BY VOTING FOR
ME WHEN THE TIME COMES, THE CAMPAIGN IS
CURRENTLY GOING ON NOW........
PLS I NEED VOLUNTEERS 4 D CAMPAIGN TOO...
VOLUNTEERS SHOULD KINDLY VISIT THE
CAMPAIGN THREAD AND DO THE NEEDFUL, PLS I
NEED ALL THE HELP I CAN GET FROM U GUYS.
YOUR VOTES COUNTS.
THANKS. |
| Re: Burdens by toykathy(f): 10:36pm On May 07, 2015 |
kitnah:very very lucky 1 Like |
| Re: Burdens by Nobody: 12:26am On May 08, 2015 |
All the comments so far makes me ..
Ride on Kitnah1 Like |
| Re: Burdens by D9ty7(m): 9:43am On May 08, 2015 |
And this woman never update this beautiful Friday morning? Issorai |
| Re: Burdens by Nobody: 12:29pm On May 08, 2015 |
D9ty7:We no get light o,and fuel is sth else |
| Re: Burdens by Nobody: 3:10pm On May 08, 2015 |
The service went smoothly, the pastor ministered to the congregation, the chorister sang beautifully, since Jane is not very adept with singing, she sat down peacefully. When she met with the pastor in charge, the man gave her some bible verse and asked her to observe three days fasting. Jane had done it religiously, and she came back for the concluding part of her deliverance. She quietly removed her shoes outside and entered soundlessly. "Good morning" She greeted "Morning......what brought you here??" The pastor asked "Hmmm" She sighed heavily "I've been married for twelve years,I have no issues and you gave me some prayer point and asked me to come today" "Do you suspect anyone??" "No sir" She said,even though she suspected a few people, she dare not say because she felt the pastor is going to channell his prayers to them. "Good!! Do you have a personal intercourse with God??" "I have a good relation with God,I know I'm not committed, but I'm serving him the best way I can" Jane explained "What I meant is physical intercourse with God??" He said and stood up. "I don't understand, God is a spirit!" "Yeah,but he has anointed special people to perform this work,you're a beautiful lady, so if you can..............." "Oh please!! Save it!! I know where you're going,I do, and yeah, I want an issue, but I won't cheat on my husband, I never have and will never" Jane said with her breaking voice "You're disrespecting a man of God??" "Any man that doesn't respect himself, deserves every insults accorded to him" "Happy barren life in advance" The pastor said with heavy sarcasm. Jane walked out of the church in regret, she blamed herself. For coming, and to think she had fasted for good two days despite the fact that she had ulcer. She thought of how many women might have fell for his tricks. Here is a man who ought to guide the congregration, instead he was leading them astray. 1 Like |
| Re: Burdens by jezuzboi(m): 8:33pm On May 08, 2015 |
That's what happens when desperation sets in. I initially thought her childlessness was as a result of one or two wrong moves 4rm b4. Now it seems she's just like Hannah in the bible. Let her do what Hannah did & she'll have as much children as Hannah had, or even more, if she so desires |
| Re: Burdens by Nobody: 9:00pm On May 08, 2015 |
jezuzboi:She had made some mistakes in the past,its haunting her now, thanks for ff |
| Re: Burdens by Nobody: 9:03pm On May 08, 2015 |
Bolu sat down in a lower stool, known as apoti in yoruba, while her mother sat on the couch. She normally makes Bolu's hair due to the texture of her hair, Bolu had a long strong hair, combing was a problem. "Stop squirming, let me comb your hair" Anita yelled Since, her adventure with Jane, self-hatred had taken the better part of her. "I'm in pains" Bolu cried Anita combed her hair angrily with full force. "Fara buruku bale......keep calm,else I'll leave your hair alone" Bolu started crying, she couldn't restrained her tears, the more her mummy combed her, the more the tears dropped. "Go and meet Aina to make your hair, this one you're crying like you're in labour" Bolu left the room eagerly, She mistakenly bumped into a woman who shouldn't be more than fifty years on her way out. "I'm sorry ma, I wasn't looking" "It's okay,Is your mummy around??" "Yes,ma" Bolu said and left the house The woman entered the house "Anita! Anita!! Come outside you have a visitor" "Who is barking??" Anita said rudely "It's me, your mummy, the one you neglected" Anita gave a short laugh "You know, it never crossed my mind that I have a mother, who gave you my address??" "I was on sick bed for almost two years, I had stroke and you can't even visit me, after I've spent my hard earned money on you" Tbc |
| Re: Burdens by Nobody: 9:04pm On May 08, 2015 |
"I know you to be irresponsible, shameless and all that, don't let me add liar to your name, which hard earned money did you spend on me?? When did you spend the hard earned money on me?? The time you drove me away when I begged for my school fees?? The time you told me you would rather buy clothes than pay for my school fees??" "I agree, but I later changed my mind, I realised all is vanity, Every month, I send you money for your school fees, but you never called to say thanks" "You're a blatant liar! I hope you will die in your sleep,reality has dawned on you and you're finding a way to clean up your mess,huh?? If only you sent me the money as claimed, thing would have been better" "Anita, I did, I swear with my life" "Get out this minute" "You're sending me out?? "You heard me right" Anita pushed her mummy away with force. *flashback* FIFTEEN YEARS AGO Their apartment was filled with visitors,even relatives that Anita can't recognise. While some were crying profusely,others were lost in thought. 'What's going on??' Anita asked a fat woman beside her who seemed to be in control of her emotions. 'Take heart' The woman replied. Anita looked at her mummy who seemed to be less concerned with whatever that might have happened as she was busy painting her fingernails. 'Take heart for what exactly?? Why is everyone crying??' She questioned. 'Eerm,it's your dad,he's dead,he was involved in the fatal accident that happened along the expressway' Anita was quiet,She was shivering with cold and the same time feeling hot, but it seemed as if she was watching an emotional drama,or maybe a dream,definitely her dad can't be dead. 'I don't understand,I saw my dad this morning before going to school' Anita asked with tears in her eyes. The fat woman drew Anita closer and sat her down on her laps. 'Kpele,you have to be strong for your mother and......... 'You mean someone who is less concerned and busy painting her nails instead of crying??' Anita's mother overheard her daughter. 'Yes,your dad is dead,I didn't kill him,life goes on,crying won't bring him back,so why waste my energy??' Everybody was shocked. Anita's father was later buried behind their house,Anita could see her mummy laughing and chatting like she wasn't concerned, she refused to barb her hair as tradition required Less than a month, Anita's father was buried, her mummy brought a fat short man and introduced him to her as her husband Anita said nothing to him and avoided him like plague, she bottled up all her thoughts and opinions about him ----- Anita strode angrily into her mummy's room carrying the folded camp bed,she slept on. She saw her step father,laying down on the bed,wearing a trouser while he rubbed his protruding stomach. Anita was expecting to see her mummy in bruises,considering the way she shouted and cried in the night. 'You can't greet??' He asked. The opportunity Anita had been waiting for,was given to her,all the words she had practised since her mummy introduced him,a week back spilled out in a rush. 'You know it never crossed my mind to greet someone like you,You know why?? Less than a month my dad died,you moved in with my mummy,Were you waiting for him to die before you claim his property,huh??' Her step father was shocked,but decided to brave it. 'No one is anyone's property,Marriage is meant to be enjoyed and not endure,Marriage is not meant to enslave people' 'No responsible man will move in with a widow without giving her time to mourn her husband' 'What if the 'widow' doesn't want to mourn her husband?? What if she doesn't want to dwell on the past??' 'Mourning her dead husband means dwelling in the past??' 'Anita!!' Her mummy gasped. 'Mummy,I know it's painful for you to admit the truth,I take it that both of you were having an affair even when my dad was still alive, I mean that explains the reason why you insisted that the burial ceremony should be done in haste' 'Get out!!! Go get ready for school and stop meddling in other people's business' 'Really?? So my mummy's business is 'other people's business',huh?? 'Get out!!' Anita left the room. ________ Weeks since Anita came back from school ,she was resting in their worn out three-seater sofa, while watching her mummy as she applied makeup onto her face. Her mummy had begged her to help her with her dirty clothes, Anita refused vehemently 'Mummy,I'm going back to school on monday, I just want to remind you about my school fees' Anita said. Her mummy said nothing as she continued her make-up,she was applying her concealer. 'Mummy,I'm talking to you' "I heard you the first time,I just don't want to answer,If you can't wash my cloth for me,yet you expect me to pay for your fee,and I don't have money and my husband is...... "Point of correction,he's not your husband,you're his mistress" "I think you should start accepting the fact,that he's here to stay" "Mummy,dad's family member deserted us because of this,they think you're shameless and irresponsible,and I agree with them,even if you never love my dad,I don't expect you to behave this way" "Same story! I don't have money, even if I have, I'll rather buy more jewelries and more fashionable cloth than give to you" 1 Like |
| Re: Burdens by D9ty7(m): 10:04pm On May 08, 2015 |
*strolls into the cinema... Now is the time to make a few corrections and hopefully you get to take my criticism and corrections in good faith. |
| Re: Burdens by D9ty7(m): 10:42pm On May 08, 2015 |
To start with, you have a wonderful story going on here and I think I love it. Its not everyday we see stories like this on Nairaland, therefore, be rest assured that the number of comments, view will increase as more people get to know about this story. Advice: Put the link to this thread on your signature, so that everywhere you drop your comment, your story gets advertised. Oga seun no go collect money for that. Hahahahaha Now to the main reason why I am here tonight. 1. Disjointed order of events and not paying attention to details: As a critic loving writer, when people tell me to pay attention to details, I don't really know what they mean, but by my own understanding, I give it just any meaning. Therefore, me asking you to pay attention to details is down to how I see the story. Lets break it down; I. Prologue: Jane driving back home from work I presume and her encounter with her mother-in-law. -(7/10) II. Chapter 1: Godwin returning from work and his phone conversation with his friend Matthew. (4/10) This particular episode could have been rated above average if you probably didn't make this mistake. After Godwin dropped his friend's call, he was talking to his wife about Matthew's supposed suprise visit. Godwin was still talking to his wife when the doorbell rang and guess who we have, Matthew and his wife. I believe in a normal setting, Godwin and Matthew worked in the same company, meaning, there is every probability that they left work at the same time. The drive from work back home for Godwin, lets say is twenty minutes. And the drive back home for Matthew is fifteen minutes. Meaning: As at when Godwin got home, Matthew would have gotten home five minutes earlier, and the only thing he could have done was freshen up. Which leaves me with the resolve that, it is impossible for Matthew to be at Godwin's residence when Godwin was just coming in from work. Factors to be considered; - Matthew first of all needs to freshen up and get a nice cloth for the outing. - The women factor: It is impossible for Jane to have dressed up before Matthew's arrival. The outing was no emergency, hence, no need to rush and women loved to be complimented. The "how do I look?" factor, the "is this gown okay for the outing?" factor. Even though its not everytime that a woman ask these questions. III. Episode 2: Jane's encounter with Anita and Anita wanting to talk. (6/10) I give you '6' because the scene is normal, even though I think it is too sudden. But I am tempted to reduce that '6' to like '3' you know why? You refused to pay attention to details. Breakdown: - Jane lived in Lagos, her husband Matthew lived in Kogi state. Meaning, Godwin and Anita are Kogi-ites too. Lol. You didn't tell us if Anita travelled to Lagos from Kogi state or visited Matthew's apartment where Jane lived presently. - At the begining you said something like Jane could see someone through the 'windscreen.' I may be wrong with this though, but the few times I have heard the word, it always had to do with cars. Meaning, Jane was probably inside her car. Then at the end of the episode, Jane slammed the door. Which door? If she was in a car, it is either she slammed the door short and walked into the house(slamming the front door in the process too. Lol) or slamming the door while she was in the car(locking herself in) IV. Episode 3: I think, that's where Anita wanted to work. (7/10) Chapter 2: Jane's visit to the hospital. (6/10) I give you '6' because of one thing. Jane's conversation with Ayobami's mum. I think the question the woman asked Jane is out of this world. 90% of women on earth will take offense with that question. Which leaves me with the fact that, you should watch your dialogues. Put yourself in the shoes of your characters, communicate with them and let your writing be based on your reaction if some of these things are happening to you. If someone I have met just once walked up to me and said; "My son told me God hasn't given you a child?" and the next thing was to invite me to a religious gathering, I will take offense with the question but will in the end appreciate the invite. All am saying is, make your story look real. The woman could have asked for a minute of Jane's time, take her to a secluded corner and discuss with her and not after the exchange of pleasantries throwing such a question. *** More after the cut 3 Likes |
| Re: Burdens by D9ty7(m): 11:22pm On May 08, 2015 |
*** continuation-- II. Episode 2: Jane's meeting with 'man of God' (5/10) Lets break it down: - You started with a church auditorium setting. Jane seated inside the church, choristers-choirs singing and the congregation dancing. - You told us about Jane's 3-day fasting and prayer and being around to see the pastor for the final lap of her deliverance. - But you failed to tell us if Jane was meeting the pastor after the service you potrayed at the start. You didn't pay attention to the details there(service and meeting the pastor) III. Episode 3: Anita's outburst with her mum and the flashback. (2/10) I give you '2' because the episode kind of negates set standard for moral values every story must possess. Here; [color=990000]"Who is barking?"[/color] -- Even if you are high on mosquito coil or kerosene, you can't direct such a question to your mother, your step mother, your mother's friend, your friend's mother. Why? The MOTHER factor. I don't know, maybe it is down to how I see things. No matter how cruel one's parent could have been in the past, no matter how non challant they might have been about the thing affecting one's life. If after many years, such a parent needs one's help, even if you won't be helping her, you can't send her out anyhow. Moral standard: By all indications and judging from the 'flashback' it seemed like Anita was right while her mother was wrong. Even though on paper, Anita has the right to react, while her mother deserved to accept whatever reaction she faced. But the sole aim of putting pen to paper is to change people's views about certain things, one of which is the Anita-and her mother's encounter which is a everyday thing. I doubt if you will address the issue later on in the story, by making Anita suffer for talking to her mother anyhow. But I felt the need to let you know that, not even in Mars and pluto where I have lived is this possible or right. I have seen a situation where a family where the mother was the bread winner for many years and now that the children are well to do, they are spending on their father who did nothing than their mother who glaringly did everything for the children back then. The Yorubas will say; a kin fi oro ya oro (We don't use oro yo oro)-- sorry, I can't interprete that. What's oro in English? Now I get it-- (We don't repay evil with evil) Even our lord Jesus despite the suffering he went through, he still said; "Father forgive them, for they know not what they are doing." And I don't think anybody on earth will ever go through the equal of what Jesus went through before his death, even half of it. Hence, why should we then be mad cos of little things. Forgive my jargons, but morally, I think the Anita and her mother episode is very wrong. To make it right: Later on in the story, Anita should either suffer for that singular act or be reprimanded by her husband, probably threatened with a divorce or ignoring her for long(women hate to be ignored) Just to let your readers know that, you are in no way in support of Anita's outburst, because writers and television broadcasters have one thing in common; their words/stories tends to be used against them. And that will be all on the number one criticism from d9ty7's desk. We'll probably discuss the next point tomorrow. Kitnah: I am just doing this the way you asked for it. If this in anyway threatens your morale, I didn't write this to do that. I'll be happy if you take one or two things from there to better your writing. @Thronekid: I can see your corrections in the aspect of grammar. @Jezuzboi: I saw your effort at correcting her punctuation. Let me just stick to the plot and the body of the story. PEACE 2 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: Burdens by Nobody: 11:36pm On May 08, 2015 |
D9ty7! Straight up, I love your bluntness, trust me, and it doesn't threatens my morale at all, because it takes more crystals to make something shine. As usual, you know I don't take offence at criticisms, it's done to make me better, I'm guilty as charged. I'll pay full attention to the details and description..........Thank you so much, I really apreciate |
| Re: Burdens by D9ty7(m): 11:58pm On May 08, 2015 |
kitnah:Am glad you took it well. The brutality of it makes you want to improve to avoid more brutal criticisms in future. If I made this in private, I know I will mince words a lot but putting it here, even if you take offense, I know where to calm you down. Lol I will bring somethings to your notice tomorrow-- yeah! Its not yet 12. |
| Re: Burdens by Nobody: 1:53pm On May 09, 2015 |
D9ty7:Hey,am still waitin for notice,btw,my phone is damaged,was chargin the damn thing with generator,and the rest was history... |
| Re: Burdens by D9ty7(m): 1:58pm On May 09, 2015 |
kitnah:Joke of the century. How your phone go spoil at this stage? Oga seun, reward kitnah with a brand new Iphone 6 for her excellence on this forum And btw, what notice? |
| Re: Burdens by sammyomotola: 6:00am On May 10, 2015 |
have placed my sit in d front row though am not invited. oya keep updating as i sip my coke with pop-corn |
| Re: Burdens by Missmossy(f): 3:53pm On May 10, 2015 |
Definitely following,sorry about your phone. My both were stolen just yesterday. |
| Re: Burdens by Nobody: 5:03pm On May 10, 2015 |
Kitnah darling, u ar gud, dnt b deceived by sum 'HATERS'. It's nt easy to write neither is it easy to edit nd correct, saw some mistakes would have pointed them out bt am not physically strong to do dat rite nw. Nw dear, I really dnt read comments wen reading a story bt what u wrote got my attention, and dis made me read d comments above, and I got completely turned down, as a writer u Wud c haters lyk I said, try overlook some immatured comments, look at d positive ones that would make u happy nd great. Try ignore comments dat ar annoying, it's nt a must u answer it, ur nt replying such comments makes u a winner. Ur readers nd followers love u, so b d sweet and beautiful Kitnah, dnt let someone on d Internet make u look bad, nd try nt to insult them for ur readers can get a wrong impression. Am still and would always b in d front seat following u nd If anybody write anything silly **REPORT THEM TO THE MODERATORS** Winks. |
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