The fuel scarcity had locked me up in the house this very hot Saturday and out of boredom , I started looking for what to do. I fell upon a promo for this play, 'Hear word' and immediately placed a call to my friend, Lala for tickets. She promised to send a number and promptly disappeared into the hot Lagos afternoon. Me, for this Lagos, I made more calls and got a ticket. So, to the MUSON I went with no expectation but the fact that with this kind of cast I could just be in for a riveting ride.

This play came with a lot of weight. The first eleven of Nigerian female theatre. From the ageless Taiwo Ajai Lycett, to my favourite of all time and the lady with my heart, Joke Silva to my former friend Kate Henshaw and also my paddy Lala who is fast becoming an enigma and finally Elvina Ibru whom I must confess have never seen on stage. All of these talents exploded like a ton of bricks and smashed the glass wall of boredom I had surrounded myself with.

The powerful presentations, the exciting monologues and the cascading story line weaving through seamless plots while opening up the lives of the Nigerian woman succeeded in confusing my wild chauvinistic mien as I sat glued to my MUSON seat mouth open with spittle driveling shamelessly from my wide open mouth.

Is it the story perfectly told by Bimbo Akintola's character, the one in which her heartless husband made her sleep with the oaf of his friend, or the story of the widow who was made to sit on her dead husbands grave that one would call the breakout performance? As I continue to spew saliva, the young Odenike clambers on stage and comically takes us through an abuse sequence with her regrets for not cutting off his 'Chuk Chuk', giving way to Lala who by this time is growing in confidence and maturity taking us through her travails in 'Italo' with a perfect mimic of the illiterate Yoruba damsel. I am enthused and by this time regretting that I came to watch this drama alone. Na who I go tell.

Taiwo's celebration of solo sexual fulfillment in the face of widowhood was another taboo shattering event. Her love for her privates, the need to touch it once in a while, the pride that came with the fact that she now can control her urges and dispense pleasure to herself whenever she wanted all made for an arousing five minutes for me. For I saw myself transform into a mischievous fly on her wall and watching this unfolding episode with all the concentration a tiny fly can muster.

Let me devote a paragraph to joke Silvia's Oscar worthy performance as the wife of 'Landlord' who died penniless but left a horde of greedy relatives who were beaten back by the gregarious and powerful trader that was played so majestically by Aunty Joke. It was like, before she came on stage, she was determined to show not only the audience but also her cast mates who was truly the Queen. She grabbed the audience and turned them into willing slaves, urging them to stupidly follow her narration. Her dance steps were mesmerizing and when she backed the stage to dance, I pitied uncle Olu Jacobs cos I almost could no longer hold my urge. She built up the tension, from the building of the house in Bariga, to the funding of other women and raised the tempo to the destruction of her late husbands relatives, raising up her sexy hands and clenching a fist for the total emancipation of all Nigerian widows. She gave a performance worthy of emulation. A performance that could even stop the rascally South African xenophobes in their murderous path. She shone and illuminated the hall in all her glory.

Aunty Esther messed up my mind, taking me through the joys of giving orgasm to a loved one and the pleasure the woman gets from an experienced lover . I loved the fact that Christianity in this play aided sexual fulfillment rather than inhibiting it.

Though I had problems with the lighting people, this play still comes out as almost perfect and I strongly recommend it to all and sundry especially we the men who take delight in dehumanizing our women. Beware of the knife, I don hear. Phew.
I recommend this

Adamu Mu'azu, No Vex Just Go Baba


I have been very reluctant to write this piece for the simple reason that I did not believe this gentleman will wait this long to resign. Look after leading your party to such a disastrous outing you should not wait to be prompted but immediately fall on your sword. All the struggle and fight not to go is embarrassing. The moment President Jonathan made the call conceding defeat, you should have immediately followed with your letter of resignation. That's the manly thing to do. You led PDP to the worst defeat in 16 years and in the process faced the decamping of very prominent members, witnessed the stoning of your Presidential Candidate in your home state and saw your party once touted as the largest and biggest in Africa reduced to a regional party and yet you are struggling to wait behind. Wait for what, Abeg carry yourself go jo. What is that, forget that I have torn my card, I am still a spiritual member and will not sit down idly waiting for you to do the right thing. I hope for your own sake that you resign before this article comes out on Saturday otherwise, you will witness a one man protest match to your house wherever you live and you can be sure David Mark will show me your house. All your NWC members including my former friend Olisa Metuh should retire and go back to school and learn how to take defeat.

Seriously, we need to restructure our party, rebuild the structures, attract more serious minded nationalists who will join in the rebuilding effort. The stench has been there for too long, we need people who can design ID cards that cannot be easily torn. We need statesmen that can see beyond their noses especially when it is obvious that the music has stopped. PDP has to regain its lost glory and give the APC led Government credible opposition. We are tired of yesterday's men, we are tired of opportunists, we are tired of pot bellied hoodlums masking as party men.

We need a breath of fresh air, fresh vision, fresh ideas and pure unfettered patriotism. Yes that is what we yearn for in the new PDP. So Mu'azu, kindly just go. Thank you.

I Am A Thief

Yes I have decided to start a new career as a thief. Why would I be working for 18years and yet have nothing to show for it, when I can like my good friend Mike who was recently reported in the Papers as having engaged in the very lucrative career of money laundering and washing of billions only to be given a fine of N3m. Abeg, I have joined the league of washers o. No more honest job for me I don tire. Look at it na, the economics support my decision. After slaving and labouring in the finance industry, I will never smell the kind of money Oga mike is even paying as fine talk less of the main money he has been convicted of laundering and if like the hapless staff of the Fast Food Restaurant I mistakenly steal 8m I will get over 200 years in jail. This country is a joke I tell you. We will forever remain a laughing stock amongst responsible countries. It is funny, pitiable and bringing tears to my eyes because I have stupidly brought in young children into this world and into a country where honesty and integrity is trampled upon on a daily basis. Where thieves are rewarded and honest people are left diseased and prematurely killed. So as I venture into my new career, let me state categorically that it's the billions I will be looking for, so that I can get to pay a small fine and keep the rest. Only fools will be stealing mobile phones and small sums risking life jail, when you can rob the central Bank and go home with a plea bargain. Abeg, can someone show me the road to the Central Bank.

Alibaba, MUDI, Bolanle Austen-Peters Support Loud Whispers


As far as I am concerned, these three people are the best of NIGERIA. I am recommending them to Buhari whose candidacy scattered my family for National Honours. Their images should be put on the Naira. The National Stadium, the International Airport be named after Ali and Bolanle. But as MUDI no get either stadium or Airport for him village, Government can name the Police Station in Anthony Village after him. These three people have been very supportive of my dream in publishing. Alibaba wrote a wonderful piece for the Book, where he called me Jaguda forgetting that I was his senior in secondary school and also that he married my sister who usually falls back to me for advice. I can lock up his bedroom activities with one hand, but I forgive am. Bolanle has continued to be a source of inspiration, where or why she started loving me and my writings is something I still cannot fathom. She gave me the first nudge and called me early one morning and said, 'Edgar, you are crazy, you are not normal o, I just read one of your piece and I cannot place the person with the language.'To her, I look like illiterate. Laugh want kill me. For my Brother MUDI, it has all been go for it, go for it. So I really thank these three Nigerians, even if na only three of them buy the Book I would have still, thanks to them found fulfillment and a realization of one of my three major goals in life, the other two being marrying Joke Silva (too late now for that) and using the toilet in Aso Rock( I will soon get there, if I continue yabbing Buhari).

Boko Haram, Sambiza Forest And The Pregnant Hostages

Look I'm kind of amazed that in the middle of bombing, killing and maiming the cowards that make up these sect still have the time to impregnate their hostages. So many women and young girls pregnant at the last count. Men, these people are really wonderful. Maybe their plan is to reproduce as many jihadists as possible so that as they are decimated by a rejuvenated Nigerian Army, they get replaced almost immediately. This has never been an ideological war on their side, it has always been a lame excuse to cause mayhem and if possible turn the country into a huge lawless waste land. My heart goes to the poor innocent females who have been subjected to all sort of degrading and dehumanizing acts by these marauders.

But wait how come suddenly after elections thousand of people are all of a sudden being rescued from this Sambisa Forest. People that I hear were never declared officially missing. Didn't America and the UK offer to help with all sort of gizmos to detect and seek the release of the hostages? What happened, how come that failed why are we now seeing hundreds being released and saved. One day God will reveal the truth about this election and this NIGERIA we all live in.

My prayers go to the innocent pawns in these huge chess game, for how difficult would it have been to locate people whose guards where permanently with their pants down busy sowing their wicked seeds into unwilling subjects. NIGERIA, we must always redefine ourselves. We have been hearing of terrorists all over the world but this is the first time we hear of terrorists impregnating this number of hostages. It's Nigerian style terrorism. Na wa.

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