This is epic. More ink to ur pen

Omotayor123:

I don't really understand the message... can you explain pls

Read it again.

There was no link to the friend, I mean it's qood, but there should be a link to his friend ade and his dad's memory, considerinq the fact that the mum was real before, but he killed her, and now his son, so, ade should be someone that was also real, not just pure imaqination...I dunno how to explain, but it's beautifully scary tho

VillageBoi:
How come I've read this somewhere before?

Deja vu

Wow! cool. Usman's father is obviously insane. Love the revealing end tail. Usman's father killed his mother as well

On scrutiny now. Fade out should come at the end of the story i guess,all through capitalization of characters name shouldn't ensue after introducing the character, and cut some slug lines to other paragraphs to enhance clarity.

Interestingly scary. The man has psychological problems.

cnario:

Read it again.

not nice

Weldone Collins. Good work u've got here. How about ur other work?

phemocheee:
Am l the only person that doesn't understand this?

no u r not

VillageBoi:
How come I've read this somewhere before?

Hi check the copyright.

This is Duru Collins. I sent the first draft to you via Facebook.

ugojamali:
Nice nice story. Like Paranoia this is chilling any blood cuddling. Now who's crazy hahahaha? At first I thought the boy was crazy but then... What a sick father. Classic.

Just work on your script formatting a bit... For example most of those words in parenthesis shouldn't be there. You may want to do away with most of the parenthesis.

Also in the beginning you described Usman as obviously bright. Good. But you're telling us, not showing us. You should be able to visually show us why you say that Usman is bright.

I suppose I got carried away. It's show not tell. I'll remember to keep that in mind.

Regarding the formatting, I still suck at that. I'll work on it.

Thanks a ton for your input.

phemocheee:
Am l the only person that doesn't understand this?

Omotayor123:

same here ooo

That's why it is a thriller.

Get used to it.

TheFilmmaker:


Hi check the copyright.

This is Duru Collins. I sent the first draft to you via Facebook.

Ah, no wonder... Couldn't recognise the username 'TheFilmmaker'... and didn't look at the bottom of the script.

Glad you changed the characters names from those silly white names to Nigerian names.

VillageBoi:


Ah, no wonder... Couldn't recognise the username 'TheFilmmaker'... and didn't look at the bottom of the script.

Glad you changed the characters names from those silly white names to Nigerian names.

Lol, bro that is racist....haha. Glad you understand now

TheFilmmaker:


Lol, bro that is racist....haha. Glad you understand now

Hahahaha, yes oh... it's very racist of us to be ashamed to use our wonderful traditional names
Liked it before... loving it as it is now. Well done.

phemocheee:
Am l the only person that doesn't understand this?

nope. i dont get it. how are ade nd mummy not real??

Wow! This is gooood!
Really a nice piece. Welldone

TheFilmmaker:


Lol, bro that is racist....haha. Glad you understand now

I agree with villageboi. It is important that Nigerian names are used by Nigerian writers. It gives a more original feel to the story and will also raise the curiosity of foreigners when they happen to read it.

Ill also advice you add some background noises like "generators could be heard from the next compound", "mosquitoes flying/sucking", "the candle light was on because nepa hadn't brought light in a while". That sort of thing

Just to inform you guys that we're making the Usman Short film soon.

If you're based in Lagos and want to be a part of this, please indicate, stating what you're good at.

TheFilmmaker:
Hello.

I've had this script for a while and I will appreciate criticism in anyway and for you deem fit. Um, this is not the final draft...You're permitted to point out any glaring mistakes and I will re-edit accordingly.

Thank you.

---

A brightly lit DINNING ROOM. The table is lavishly set for THREE. USMAN, an obviously bright 7 year old kid with short hair, and large bright eyes; a more older, butch MAN, probably in his early forties is munching something. A tired frail-looking older WOMAN is sitting opposite the MAN,(possibly the MAN's wife)wearing a shawl and is using the cutlery, her gaze forlorn.

There is an eerie silence, except for the clatter of dishes and cutlery. CANDLES FLICKER a bit.

MAN (VO)

My son, Usman, is only 7 years old, and he’s never really had a friend...

USMAN
(splutters, then coughs)

MAN
(fumbles with cutlery)

So, you were going to say something, Usman.

USMAN
(munching, between mouthfuls)

Uh, yeah I...think I made a new friend at school today.

WOMAN
(beams, drops cutlery, rearranges her shawl)

BEAT

Now, that is amazing, USMAN. What is his name?

USMAN
(silence)

MAN

Yes USMAN, that was very nice. Tell me about it...about this...new friend.

BEAT

Is he into sports? Is he Hausa?

USMAN

No, I..I don't think so. I don't really know. We just started talking. He's very good at maths, though.

MAN
(shares excited glances with WOMAN)

Nice, my boy. Come on, eat up.

USMAN

His name is ADE. Can I invite him to dinner tomorrow?

WOMAN
(brights up)

Why, yes. That would be good, my boy.

DISHES CLATTER while USMAN tries to consume as much as possible before heading to the sink. MAN and WOMAN look bewildered.

---

It's drizzling outside. USMAN is visibly happy. Right beside him is a nice looking little boy. Almost same age. Bright eyes. USMAN motions forward. Takes off his coat. They both steps into - -

THE HALLWAY

USMAN

Hi, Dad. This is Ade!

MAN
(surprised)

WOW! Hi, Ade

(To ADE, offers his hand)

How are you doing, er...

ADE
(silent)

USMAN
(ice cold stare)

Ade isn't real, dad.

MAN
(taken aback, repressed shock)

What... Oh. Welcome Ade. Never mind, USMAN. He's just being a funny host.

(looks tense)

USMAN looks bitter, and walks off to his room. ADE walks behind him, not saying a word.



LATER



[b]USMAN is giving both the MAN and WOMAN mean looks. ADE is helping himself with a half filled plate. He doesn't say anything. His gaze is fixed on the table. USMAN has his fork held in a menacing position. Both the MAN and WOMAN look tense but act uninterested.

USMAN
(irritated)

Why did you give Ade a plate? Ade’s not real.

MAN
(dazed, startled)

BEAT

Why did you invite Ade over if you’re just going to be rude?

(extends his arms, giving up)

That's not a nice way to treat friends...

USMAN returns to eating his yams. Unfazed. SUDDENLY-

USMAN

Stop being weird! There is no Ade!

MAN
(visibly fed up)

Now listen little champ. You've got to be polite to your friend or you would be grounded for a week. No video games, no rec. And no noddles. OK

(to ADE)

I am sorry for your friend's behavior, really. How's the meal, Ade?

ADE says nothing. Smiles back. Faintly. SUDDENLY USMAN grabs ADE’s plate and heads to the sink. ADE does not protest.

WOMAN

USMAN! USMAN!!! What rubbish/nonsense is this? What is wrong with you tonight?
(shrieks)

Go into your room, USMAN. NOW! USMAN...!

WOMAN storms out of the dinning and follows USMAN to the KITCHEN. She steps into the --

KITCHEN ENTRANCE

ALMOST INSTANTLY, USMAN HURLS ADE’s plate at the WOMAN'S head. The plate misses, hits the wall and shatters. USMAN is fuming with fury. The WOMAN is in complete shock, petrified.

WOMAN

(pants, screams wide eyed)

(exclaims in Hausa language)

MAN comes blazing from the dining, horrified at the WOMAN's composure. Casts a glance at USMAN, who is still fuming. The WOMAN is in complete shock. She mutters something inaudibly, her bulging eyes darts from USMAN to a fat butcher knife right next to him.

MAN

Fatima...what! Are you Crazy? USMAN! What has taken over you!

(Supports the WOMAN from falling backwards, helps her rest, terrified.)

WOMAN

I'll be alright...

Stands on her feet, heads upstairs. MAN turns to USMAN, who is now crying, sobbing profusely.

USMAN
(between sobs)

Why did you yell at me?

MAN
(confused, clenched teeth)

I’m sorry USMAN. But what you tried to do to your mother is inexcusable.

USMAN
(sniffs)

But… but she’s not real…

MAN
(freezes up)

WHAT?

USMAN

Like… like Ade my friend. I made him up like you made mommy up. I wanted you to see how weird it was to make someone up. But you didn’t even notice...

MAN
(outraged)

What the f*** are you talking about?!

USMAN
(muffled sobs and sniffing)

Y-you got really sad when mommy left and wanted to take me with her, and then you left to talk to her and I never saw her again. You’ve been acting like she’s been here, but--

MAN
(stunned)

SHUT UP!!!

With lightening force, MAN slams USMAN’s head down against the tile floor. Immediately, a sharp cracking sound is heard. USMAN flips, no longer breathing, his eyes glassy. Mouth agape. There is a deep bloody gash on his forehead. Blood gushes out. MAN is shocked, unable to grasp what has just happened a few seconds ago. Stares at his son's limp lifeless body. Scampers around, grabs a shovel, and carries the dead body out to the--

BACKYARD

MAN begins to dig the soil. Five shovel-full of soil out and a face of a FEMALE corpse appears under. MAN panics and quickly fills up the dug space. MAN vanishes into the dark distance carrying dead USMAN.



Ade still sitting. Unfazed.

MAN

(staggers and pants heavily. Stop short in front of ADE. Regains composure. His face is a bit smudged with mud and sweat. Wipes his forehead with a stained kerchief. takes a deep breath)

Ade, how would you like to be my new son?

ADE smiles again.



Copyright© 2015 Duru Collins. All Rights Reserved.

I'm late to the party.

Brimmie:


I'm late to the party.

No problem. It's still a brilliant script. Can't wait to see the short when its done!

VillageBoi:


No problem. It's still a brilliant script. Can't wait to see the short when its done!

The prospective producer backed away.