I am canadian, I married my nigerian husband almost 10 yrs ago.
We've been separated a total of about 6-7 yrs and in the last 6 months making moves to reconcile.
2 times he returned me to my parents as he couldn't provide financially.
So my parents have been the ones involved in mine and our kids lives (ages 9 and 5)
He recently spent 2 weeks in my house and it went well except for the fact that I'm afraid his hatred of my parents is gonna spoil everything before it's even started.
The big issue he has is that a year or two ago my parents said they didn't want him around here at all, but now they've relented and given him a 99th chance.
Me and my husband and kids get along but he's trying to turn the kids against them, and he says such mean things like he'd gladly stone them he's so mad etc.
On Father's Day my parents invited us all over to their place as well as some neighbours. He refused to go, so me and the kids left and I told him I was leaving dinner for him on the stove. When I returned, he was furious we had gone and left him alone on Father's Day. He seems to be incapable of appreciating anything my parents have done, and will find any excuse to talk meanly of them. I love my parents dearly, this pains me to no end.
What should I do? State plainly he is not welcome so long as this behaviour continues, or just grin and bear it, and forge ahead, hoping that he will soften?
Finally me and the kids are settled on our own place, we are living a peaceful life, and although I believe God can do miracles and work with my husband, should I forfeit the security and stability and support of my family in trade of an attempt at reconciliation which could prove to be disastrous in the end??
I am lost in this dark forest and can't find a clear answer!!
And should I add that in the last 4 yrs the money that should have been going for kids upkeep is being used for his lawyer for a situation where he cheated and the woman is claiming he assaulted her?? ( I am sure he didn't assault, as the woman had abuse issues from the past and has since left the country,)
I am not perfect, I cheated once, he cheated once, and we forgave ourselves this, but this whole hatred thing with my parents is tearing me up! Help!!

On my own side, if you dont and cant love them, sorry. coz i cant risk not having their suport at all. i would not even manage him tolerating them.

You need your parents support until this dude can prove himself worthy to be a responsible family man ( which is never gon happen, sorry) He has no right coaching the kids against their grandparents that help him to raise them when he was AWOL. What effrontery.

What is wrong in going with you to your parents for Father's day dinner as an opportunity to make amend? Don't let him push you around like a dodo as he cannot for the life of him try that with any Nigerian Inlaws!

I know this is against my moral values but you gon have to stick to 'dating' mode for now.

By the way, I love your parents!

Ewuro4:
You need your parents support until this dude can prove himself worthy to be a responsible family man ( which is never gon happen, sorry) He has no right coaching the kids against their grandparents that help him to raise them when he was AWOL. What effrontery.

What is wrong in going with you to your parents for Father's day dinner as an opportunity to make amend? Don't let him push you around like a dodo as he cannot for the life of him try that with any Nigerian Inlaws!

I know this is against my moral values but you gon have to stick to 'dating' mode for now.

By the way, I love your parents!

I love dis lady/ guy or she male

After all these years your parents have stood by you and the kids,he has the nerves to show up and hate on them with no reason?

That man has issues,what is his problem with your folks anyway?

Sweetheart having your parents by you is the greatest gift anyone can ask for,do not let anyone separate you from your parents.

You need to let him know that your parents are part of your life and it ain't changing for nothing,it either he accepts it or the high way.

He should concentrate in putting his family together and being a dad to his kids,he is busy focusing on your parents

edwife:
After all these years your parents have stood by you and the kids,he has the nerves to show up and hate on them with no reason?
That man has issues,what is his problem with your folks anyway?
Sweetheart having your parents by you is the greatest gifts anyone can ask for,do not let anyone to separate you from your parents.
You need to let him know that your parents are part of your life and it ain't changing for nothing,it either he accepts it or the high way.
He should concentrate in putting his family together and being a dad to his kids,he is busy focusing on your parents

They both have issues and it's been going on for years. Check out her threads.

Me sef, I don tire to advice.

EfemenaXY:



They both have issues and it's been going on for years. Check out her threads.

Me sef, I don tire to advice.

My dear,i read her previous threads....

Op is depressed,she is dealing with a lot!

The fact that her parents are back in her life now,i think she wants to hold on to that.

This marriage is complicated meh!

edwife:


My dear,i read her previous threads....

Op is depressed,she is dealing with a lot!

The fact that her parents are back in her life now,i think she wants to hold on to that.

This marriage is complicated meh!

I think a lot of it boils down to their differing cultural perspectives, which isn't uncommon for mixed marriages.

They ought to have smoothened that over by now but they haven't - because they've been apart for so long.

EfemenaXY:


I think a lot of it boils down to their differing cultural perspectives, which isn't uncommon for mixed marriages.

They ought to have smoothened that over by now but they haven't - because they've been apart for so long.

Yea you right,good luck to her...

You're right, I am depressed. He lives 10 hrs away, and was gonna move here in two weeks for job here.
Now what do I say, tell him to stay awAy for now?

1. Don't stop your parent support until the man can make up with this adequately responsibility. 2. Make it clear to him that if he can't forgive your parent of whatever wrong he feel they have done to him, accept and love them as your parents he should as well forget about you and allow you to move forward. A man that will resent his in-laws that much is too risky for a lady to put up with. Forgive me to say, your so call hubby is proud and arrogant, he should go and apologise to his in-laws and respect them.

nowwhat:
You're right, I am depressed. He lives 10 hrs away, and was gonna move here in two weeks for job here.
Now what do I say, tell him to stay awAy for now?

yes, tell him stay away for now until things are sorted out. You don't have to be in pain because you must marry some sort of dude. The first priority you have in life is making yourself happy first until then you can't make anyone happy, so don't give yourself pain because you must please someone.

Soooo, I went ahead and let him move in as he had found a job here..
The thing that's gonna break this marriage if anything does is the attitude he has toward my parents.
After a long day shopping, buying groceries in town, my dad calls and wonders if the boys wanted to go swim.. My son was excited to show off his new swimming skills and I said sure.
Bad mistake.
My husband was at work so I never asked him. He is trying to establish a family life and make up for 6 yrs of lost time with his boys.
Now he lost his temper, called Child Protection Services and reported the grandparents are always taking the kids away.
( the same grandparents who faithfully helped care and provide for me and my boys in his absence.)
The boys are very fond of their grandparents but since my husband moved back he wants to greatly limit the time they spend with them. ( he says first establish our family, then everything else can be added.)
On top of that he thought the boys were gone too long so we drove to bring them back.
(They were half mile down the road at my brothers)
When we arrived, they were all in the barn, and my husband goes and grabs the youngest 5yrs) to carry him to car. My dad tries to greet him but he shuts door and quickly leaves. All my parents are doing is loving the kids and having good times yet my husband accuses them of trying to disrupt our life.
I feel I am going crazy.
I haven't touched a drop of alcohol in 8 yrs but the bottle is looking awfully inviting.
Should I limit the boys contact with them to this degree?
In his anger after phoning the CPS he said, " your parents better get ready to go to court."
He criticizes the way I've brought the boys up, and says I've done well but it's not good enough.
Help!

Even right now the boys are with their grandma, she was here and they went with her to the farm (7 miles away) and they wanted to spend the afternoon there with her. I said they could.
My husband is going to return in two hours, and if they're not here by then I'm scared he's gonna blow up again and make a crazy phone call.
I feel I am walking on egg shells, i know any reconciliation after so long will be fraught with challenges, but should I be living with this dread at not knowing how he will react to any little decision I make in allowing the kids to be with the grandparents??

Ummm, sorry but you and your husband don't belong together. Look at the damage you guys will do to the kids. And he called the CPS?? Nahhhh.

Sorry but I think you should ask him to move out and get legal counsel (he's going to accuse you of all sorts if he's calling CPS for what sounds like regular loving grandparents). And you need to get yourself and your life in order. For your kid's sake. No drinking, it looks bad when you're going for custody.

The Qur'an says your father will always be your father, not your husband (I'm paraphrasing). Your family will. always be your family.

Woman, what is the matter with you? Have you been lobotomised?
What exactly are you/ have you been holding on to in this "Union" of yours?
You have given 10years if your life and you are still lamenting about the same ish!
Keep doing what you have always done and you will get the same result you have always gotten!
Take a good long look at your life, imagine how you would like it to be and work for it!
You need to know when to stop trying and move on!
Jeez, I kicked men to the curb for much less than this!