The Nigerian god is one. It may have many
different manifestations, but it is essentially
different sides of the same coin. Sometimes,
adherents of the different sides may fight and
kill each other. But Nigerians essentially follow
the Nigerian god.

This article is for all those who want to become
better worshipers. If you are a new or prospective
convert, God will bless you for choosing the
Nigerian god. This is just how you must worship
him.

First, you must understand that being a worshiper
has nothing to do with character, good works or
righteousness. So the fact that you choose to
open every meeting with multiple prayers does not
mean that you intend to do what is right. The
opening prayer is important. Nothing can work
without it. If you are gathered to discuss how to
inflate contracts, begin with an opening prayer or
two. If you are gathered to discuss how to rig
elections, begin with a prayer. The Nigerian god
appreciates communication.

When you sneak away from your wife to call your
girlfriend in the bathroom, and she asks if you
will come this weekend, you must say—in addition
to “Yes”—“By God’s grace” or “God willing”. It
doesn’t matter the language you use. Just add it.
The Nigerian god likes to be consulted before you
do anything, including a trip to Obudu to see your
lover.

When worshipping the Nigerian god, be loud. No,
the Nigerian god is not hard of hearing. It is just
that he appreciates your loud fervour, like he
appreciates loud raucous music. The Nigerian god
doesn’t care if you have neighbours and neither
should you. When you are worshipping in your
house, make sure the neighbours can’t sleep. Use
loud speakers even if you are only two in the
building. Anyone who complains must be evil. God
will judge such a person.

This is how the Nigerian god judges people who are
your enemies- evil people who want to spoil your
hustle; like your colleagues who don’t want your
promotion; like your single old aunties who secretly
don’t want you to marry that rich handsome man
(who you haven’t met yet); like all your
neighbours who are stopping you from getting
pregnant: He violently consumes them by fire. He
returns all their evil plans back to sender. So
when making requests about all your enemies, do
not pray that they be forgiven or that they
change. Pray that the Nigerian god kills them off
with such violent finality that there is nothing left
of them.

Attribute everything to the Nigerian god. So, if
you diverted funds from public projects and are
able to afford that Phantom, when people say you
have a nice car, say, “Na God”. If someone asks
what the secret of all your wealth is, say, “God
has been good to me”. By this you mean the
Nigerian god who gave you the uncommon wisdom
to re-appropriate public funds.

Consult the Nigerian god when you don’t feel like
working. The Nigerian god understands that we
live in a harsh climate where it is hard to do any
real work. So, if you have no clue how to be in
charge and things start collapsing, ask people to
pray to God and ask for his intervention.
The Nigerian god loves elections and politics. When
you have bribed people to get the Party
nomination, used thugs to steal and stuff ballot
boxes, intimidated people into either sitting at
home or voting for you, lied about everything
from your assets to your age, and you eventually,
(through God’s grace), win the elections, you must
begin by declaring that your success is the wish of
God and that the other candidate should accept
this will of God. It is not your fault whom the
Nigerian god chooses to reward with political
success. How can mere mortals complain?

The Nigerian god does not tolerate disrespect. If
someone insults your religion, you must look for
anyone like them and kill them. Doesn’t matter
what you use—sticks, machetes, grenade
launchers, IED’s, AK47’s. If the person who insults
your religion is online and you can't locate them,
feel free to threaten to kill them. Like we say in
Nigeria: "at all-at all na im bad pass". Something
is better than nothing at all.

The Nigerian god performs signs and wonders. He
does everything from cure HIV to High BP. And
the Nigerian god is creative: he can teach a
person who was born blind the difference between
blue and green when the man of god asks, and he
can teach a person born deaf instant English. As a
worshipper you must let him deliver you because
every case of sickness is caused by evil demons
and not infections. Every case of barrenness is
caused by witches and has no scientific
explanation. So instead of hospital, visit agents of
the Nigerian god. But the Nigerian god does not
cure corruption. Do not attempt to mock him.
If you worship the Nigerian god, you are under no
obligation to be nice or kind to people who are not
worshippers. They deserve no courtesy.

The Nigerian god is also online. As a worshipper,
you are not obliged to be good or decent on
Facebook or Twitter all week except on Friday and
Sunday, both of which the Nigerian god marks as
holy. So you may forward obscene photos, insult
people, forward lewd jokes on all days except the
holy days. On those holy days, whichever applies to
you, put up statuses saying how much you are
crazy about God.

These days, the Nigerian god also permits tweets
and Facebook updates like: "Now in Church" or
"This guy in front of me needs to stop dozing"
when performing acts of worship.

In all, the Nigerian god is very kind and
accommodating. He gives glory and riches and
private jets. And if you worship him well, he will
immensely bless your hustle.

source http://elnathanjohn..com/2012/07/how-to-worship-nigerian-god.html?spref=tw&m=1

HmMmm

hahahaha! I so so so love this piece. Very apt and concise. I wish it would get to front page.

This is so on point.gat to share this with our crazed citizens.

cc: Lalasticlala

emorse:
hahahaha! I so so so love this piece. Very apt and concise. I wish it would get to front page.

cc: Lalasticlala

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