Humorous Quotations

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible. ~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea , Visit people only once a year. ~Victor
Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~Mark
Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get
a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops
to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things. ~Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. ~Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living The world owes you
nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying. ~Ed
Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of
misery. ~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. ~Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the
position. ~Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. ~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert
Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my
nap. ~Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink, and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
~W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk The trouble is, I can't remember if
it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. ~George Burns

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress. ~Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation , As you grow older, it will avoid
you. ~Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, But everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out. ~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere. ~Billy Crystal


I once had a rose named after me, and I was very flattered. But, I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue, "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain

lol

i wish u did

Just too long - i couldnt read

The Poster is not a Pastor, that is why he violated the secret of a good sermon quotation.

D quotes re actly tyte sha,bring on more.

You are looking for more when you've not finish reading those above. Na wa

i will update u with more.

just finsh reading this first

G. W. Bush, Tony Blair and a couple of other people are having a dinner at White House. Bush and Blair are talking and talking until one of the other guests is asking G.W. Bush: "What are you talking about?"
Bush: "We are planning World War III".
The guest: "So what exactly are you planning?"
Bush: "We're going to kill about 40 Million Muslims and one dentist."
The guest: "Why are you killing a dentist?"
Bush to Tony Blair: "See what I said? Nobody will be asking about the Muslims.

Hmmm.

that poster is telling lies

Big Big lies!!! Lies that could skip world world 3 and start world war 4!

"Always remember, Ure unique. . . . Just lyk everyone else."

not wat u think, its only a joke

"Don't steal, the government hates competition"

lol.

i rest my case

Better

;d

*goes off shopping*

;d

;d ;d ;d

error

u re always making error lolabbey, why?

all of una dey mak eror cos una de4y eror infected tred

so where are u?

*waves hand* U fit see me now?

no i cant!

u are not wearing the high heel shoes i bought for u

so u dey even buy shoe for person when u dont have a shoe

na wa 4 u ooooooooooo

No now, that's bilms, Im the one in the black Zara blazer and Burberry shades U seen me yet? Im still waving.

oh u re waving to the shoe u bought or to the person that receive the shoe?

What are u talking about?

no idea

But that's what retards do.