I am an "Ajekpako". For real! A good- looking one at that. "Bad belle" is
allowed. It is not forming, pretence, swag or la-di-da - I am simply an unapologetic "Ajekpako" by providence. I didn't choose to be born one. God, without seeking my opinion or approval (because he is God, I guess) gave me the unadulterated genes of a staunce, stubborn "Ajekpako" plus a crazy brain on top of all my fair slim, no, I mean, slender frame. I can't vividly recall how it actually happened, but by luck, fortuitousness, hap, chance, predestination, karma, fortune, lot, kismet, destiny, the long list continues on and on, or simply some twisted work of fate, I woke up one morning and found myself in Kano- the Mecca of Nigerian Muslims and this is my story!

"REX"

(Another piece from the dusty desk of The Sob Brother)
(The FICTITIOUS Adventures of a rejuvenated "Ajekpako"
I am an "Ajekpako". For real! A good- looking one at that. "Bad belle" is
allowed. It is not forming, pretence, swag or la-di-da - I am simply an unapologetic "Ajekpako" by providence. I didn't choose to be born one. God, without seeking my opinion or approval (because he is God, I guess) gave me the unadulterated genes of a staunce, stubborn "Ajekpako" plus a crazy brain on top of all my fair slim, no, I mean, slender frame. I can't vividly recall how it actually happened, but by luck, fortuitousness, hap, chance, predestination, karma, fortune, lot, kismet, destiny, the long list continues on and on, or simply some twisted work of fate, I woke up one morning and found myself in Kano- the Mecca of Nigerian Muslims and this is my story!

"REX"



Some memories won't just die. Regardless of how one tries to eliminate them, they still find a way to pop up, reminding you that its a cold war out there and one has got to stay strapped. Three months had passed, but the memories of the sordid incident remained fresh in Rex's mind, like it had just happened yesterday.

It was exactly 6pm by his wristwatch that fateful Saturday, Rex had applied what was left of his Soulmate hair cream. His white long sleeves shirt properly buttoned? Check. New-Pimples? Check. Blackberry charger in his very hands? Definitely on Check! He looked down at his black jean trousers and dusted it for the fifth time and when he was convinced that he was presentable, he headed for the barbing saloon at the end of the street where he had always killed boredom in the evenings and most especially charged his epileptic Z10 battery.
"I dey, how your side?" Rex responded as one of his friends greeted him. For some reasons, he was to a large extent respected within the neighborhood, partly because he knew the basics of respecting himself and looking good. His school was on holidays and being one of the lucky few in the street who had gained admission upon finishing secondary school, he tried his best to live up to the coveted title - "Undergraduate".
From all indications, Rex was a perfect description of someone who had an amazing sense of fashion but was not rich enough to express it. His shirts had been in a long-term cosy relationship with the pressing iron and for his trousers, they were always neat and buckled on his waistline. At least, he knew better than sagging.
He stopped on two occasions where he had to shake hands and benevolently offer the "bro-hug" to his real hommies and by the time he had reached the saloon, the extension-box was already filled up, announcing the clear fact that he had to wait! Being that he had no other place to go, he decided to wait and busy himself with the program that was being shown on the plasma TV.
The saloon was filled up with boys, and girls. Boys who came for haircuts and pretty girls who had escorted their handsome boyfriends, paranoid that they may be snatched by desperate girls, if they don't cone with them. Yes! Afterall, there was no harm in being over-protective. Before now, Rex had dropped his charger on a stool close to him and joined in a friendly conversation about a music video by Davido. The saloon was noisy when his other phone rang. Upon picking it up, it was his friend Benji that was calling.
"Whatsup bro?" Rex said as he picked the call
"Normal levels. How e dey be?" Benji inquired promptly
"E no get as e dey be. Na Piro saloon I dey sef" Rex responded smartly..
" Light dey my ends oo" Benji announced.
"Haba....See me dey come be dat na" Rex smiled and ended the call happily. At last, he wouldn't have to wait to charge his phone in the saloon that day.
He hailed the guys in the saloon in a "till we see tomorrow" tone, grabbed his charger and headed for the door that was neatly framed with glass. He had barely reached the door when he felt a tap on his back. When he turned around it was one of the girls who had been sitting in the saloon with her boyfriend.
"That's my charger you are holding" She said with seriousness in her voice.
Her words were like Athenian arrows falling unto his Spartan ears.
"Ah Ah...No this is my charger" Rex said smiling in order to register to her that there must have been some form of confusion somewhere.
"No! That is my charger. I left it on the stool over there" She said.
"This charger?" Rex was shocked at her conviction. "I am the owner of this charger, you can see the inscription I made on it" He said showing it to the girl trying not to cause a scene.
"See that is exactly my inscription. You just stole my charger now. Don't make this difficult for yourself." She said angrily turning towards the direction of her boyfriend. "Baby, is it not my charger?" She inquired.
"Its your charger na, wait! Did he say it was his?" The boy inquired standing up smartly, like every responsible boyfriend would do.
"Yes. He picked it up and was about going out" She responded with conviction. Indeed, she had just caught a thief red-handed!

Now Rex couldnt believe what was going on. How could he be accused of something he never did. Nothing of this sort has ever happened to him in his entire life. Everybody was now starring at him with disappointment. Those who knew him to be a very nice guy were shocked.
"Bros why person go drop im charger, you go just carry am? Wetin dey worry you?" The girl's boyfriend barked announcing his position in her world.
"Na my charger be dis, I swear!" Rex insisted. He felt like crying, but how would he? It would be the worst thing he ever did to himself. He wished the ground would open and swallow him right away.
You know that moment when nobody seems to believe you and you have to come close to someone just to explain a point that you are not even sure he/she will accept.
Some guys who knew Rex had already believed that he had the intention of "moving" the charger. So in order not to make the matter escalate and save his face, they asked Rex to just apologize and return the charger, simple!
Upon seeing the unfortunate turn of events and how nobody believed him, Rex apologized. Not everyone would apologize for what they didn't do, but that was Rex for you. He wouldn't fight no matter what.
"I am very sorry for stealing your charger" Rex muttered almost breaking down. "Please forgive me"
The girl didn't respond. She merely grabbed the charger from his hands,sat down and hissed loudly.
Rex was so devastated that he couldn't even go out of the saloon anymore. He sat down back and bowed his head in anger. He couldnt talk. He was sure he would cry if he tried. He just bowed his head, closed his eyes and picked on his nails.
It didn't take long before the girl and her boyfriend finally left the saloon. This was an opportunity for the guys in the saloon to inquire the truth from him.
"Rex, na sharp one you wan bin do her?" One of the guys asked.
"Na my charger be dat.... but just forget" Rex muttered with his head still facing the floor.
Who would believe him? Who would? Rex could see his reputation crashing to the ground. "I swear that charger na my own" he said standing up and biting his teeth to hold himself from crying.
He sat down back and steadied himself to watch the program again. He sat there for about fifteen minutes but his thoughts were far away from the screen, lost and stranded. When he was finally convinced that he was decieving himself and needed to go back home and reflect upon his life, he got up and raising his head, right in front of him, was the girl who had accused him. She looked pathetic.
"I'm so sorry, I wrongly accused you. I didn't know my friend carried my my own charger when she was leaving." She pleaded. "The charger is yours, please have it. So sorry, it looked exactly like mine"
Rex couldn't utter a word. He was boiling inside. He looked at her in the eyes. "No! You can have it" He said brushing aside the girl's boyfriend who stood at the door, and walked out with his hands buried in his pockets!
To be continued.......Next Tuesday

"DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH"


Broke guys make a lot of wrong moves, but the biggest mistake any struggling young man would do to himself is to live in the same room with his girlfriend, when he can barely provide good food for himself. Forget about all those big books about lovers supporting themselves..Hey fella, welcome to reality! Here, it is the guy that provides and not the other way ok .....and it stays like that. Call it mistake or foolishness, it doesn't change the fact that it is now a regular phenomenon in our society where youths are angling to go the way of their parents. Being an average Nigerian entailed that at some point in your life, you will probably be cursed with such duos as neighbours. And if your are as observant as I think you are, you will realise that many persons are mad, but only few are actually roaming. This one happened back then in school.





I was woken up by the loud quarrel that was coming from the other room, and being a concerned neighbour, I rushed out to make sure nobody was being hurt. Now my neighbour Peter had this sassy girlfriend Susan who seemed to have put him under some spell. I have always heard and read about boys washing their girlfriends underwears, but I had always thought of it as part of those numerous lies, not until I packed into that compound. The first day I caught Peter doing it, that was when I concluded that Susan had used a charm on my friend. Peter had always been my close buddie since I parked in, and despite the fact that he was going out with an undoubtedly socially akward female, it didn't change anything. Friends will always be friends afterall.
"Who is she?....." Susan barked from the inside! "Why didn't you introduce me?" Susan roared angrily.
"She is just a friend, a random girl. It's not what you think" Peter responded apologetically.
"All through last night I couldn't sleep because of what you did" Susan screamed.
The door to Peter's room was still locked by now but I could hear and feel the bitterness in Susan's voice. This was not the first time something like this would happen, Infact I was the only tenant who still showed concerned whatsoever. Everybody was tired of settling their disputes everyday. And as the screaming increased, I knew I had to do something before it gets late. I waited for a minute before knocking. That was when she came out. She was bitter and sad. The expression on her face alone, could melt hell.
"Susan watsup? Wetin dey happen" I inquired
"Henry just forget! This your friend dey take me play" Susan responded
"Calm down. Shey you get exam this morning, just go write am come back first" I advised.
Peter stayed inside while I calmed his girlfriend down. She finally took her bath, got dressed and left. This is exactly what you get when a woman takes care of you. Susan had been the one feeding Peter all through the months they had been together. It was five months actually. She would often buy him clothes and even subscribe for his B.I.S. So despite the fact that she loved him with the enthusiasm of a cheerleader, he couldn't earn her respect. Susan was a diamond in the rough. She was full-bosomed and well-stacked in every region. She possessed voluptuous curves that could leave Kim Kardashian green with envy, but her only flaw was that she was despicably short. Nevertheless, whatever she might have lost in height, she gained in her endowments, and what did she get for being short - unadulterated insecurity. She was always paranoid about her position in Peter's life. Her low-self esteem made her leave her room in the hostel and move into Peter's room just to make sure he wasn't cheating on her. But their problems didn't reduce one bit, instead it increased by the day.
When Peter finally came out, I inquired what had gone wrong.
"So I no go fit talk to anybody again because I dey date her? Peter said
"Haba! Wetin happen?" I asked.
"She see me dey stand with one girl oo, as she see us, she come begin come towards that direction. As she near that place, I con greet her,she no even respond, she just waka dey go. Na im e reach this morning, she con dey say she no fit sleep yesterday night." Peter explained.
"Haba, na wetin happen be dat? But you for introduce her na" I told Peter
"She no even gree come meet me when I call her. She wan just show me say she see me" Peter was annoyed. "I don even tire for this girl sef"
"No you can't be tired bro, its your cross, you must carry it!" I said to myself.

The only problem I had with Susan was the fact that she was a serial cheat but wouldn't want to see her boyfriend with any girl. On two occasions, I had seen her in the night inside the cars of lecturers but I had kept quiet and minded my business. Moreover, a guy who literally licks his girlfriend's butt would never believe you. Susan sleeps with soldiers and postgraduates, just anyone who was ready to pay. And when it was said and done, she brought the money home and spent it with my friend, who was naive and misinformed.
Fast forwards to two hours later, Susan was back from the exam hall. This time she was mad as hell. I welcomed her in my usual "Susan watsup" but this time, she didn't respond. She was still boiling, I could see it in her face. She entered her boyfriend's room and locked the door.
I stood there dumbfounded. I went back into my room and settled to prepare breakfast. It didn't take long before I started hearing their voices again.
"I couldn't write anything in the hall because of you" Susan shouted. "and since I didn't write anything, everybody must get pissed" She was furious.
I decided to go again and check what was going on, but my other friend stopped me. "Just allow them make dem sort themselves out" he said.
"Make dem no go fight con wound demselves oo" I warned.
We kept quiet and listened, the shouting became fierce. Before I could comprehend what was going on, I heard the sound of a bottle being smashed on the wall. That was when I rushed in. The door was still locked, from the inside, I could hear the struggling that was going on. I had to push the door with all my strength. Susan had actually targeted Peter's head with that bottle but all thanks to God, she missed it. Upon opening the door, Peter rushed out and ran out of the gate. To my greatest surprise, Susan was completely unclad, except for her black G-string that struggled to conceal her vast pubic hair. She had stripped just before the fight ensued. Her big breasts dangled in the air as she barked. Goodness gracious! This was someone's girlfriend. This was a girl my friend had literally "toasted" for three months and it might have taken him a couple of weeks to see her unclothedness, but here she was, displaying it for me free of charge. I didn't look, at least I didn't look down.
"I dey feed Peter everyday...and he dey cheat on me" She screamed not even embarrassed that she was stark naked.
I couldn't understand a single thing she was saying, I couldn't, not with her her large breasts right in my face. I hated the fact that I was seeing her unclothedness but God knows it wasn't on purpose. I struggled to fix my gaze on her eyes and not on the balls of fire below it, but it was impossible. I forced myself to concentrate. Desperate times required desperate measures, after all.
"Susan, abeg go wear something first" I pleaded with her.
"Nooo! Wallahi I go comot for this gate like dis!" She responded breathing heavily and heading towards the black gate.
"Wait! na becos of Peter, you wan disgrace yourself for this street?" I inquired holding her back and dragging her back to her room.
"Henry leave me, just leave me. This guy dey joke with me"She shouted as she struggled to free herself and go out of the compound.
She was still naked as a jaybird and it required the grace of God for any man to focus. I was now convinced that something was completely wrong with this Susan today, because I couldn't reconcile the fact that she was struggling to go out of the gate naked simply because she had merely seen her boyfriend standing with a girl. I finally succeeded in forcing her back into her room and locked our gate. A time will come when she would be grateful that I forced her back into her room that day. But she didn't stop there, she dragged the plasma television hanging on the wall of the room and smashed in on the rug, sending splinters of glass skittering on the rug. She swung the crates of egg on the louvers of the window, raised the mattress and dragged it out. She was determined to ruin everything before she leaves. She had made up her mind.
I couldn't help but watch, all my life I haven't seen a female behave in such a violent manner. Until that day, I never knew Susan was on drugs. She was high. She brought out their stove and emptied the kerosene on the mattress outside. That was when I slapped her. Yes! I slapped sanity and cold consciousness into her. Then with all my strength, I grabbed her by the waist and dragged her into my room. Thank God, she was now putting on something.
"Wetin dey worry you?" I barked! "Na becos say everybody leave you?" I was furious.
She didn't respond. She just bit her lips.
"You wan burn the whole compound becos you see your boyfriend dey stand with girl?" I shouted still holding her down with my hands, half surprised and partly grateful that she didn't react.
"If you wan see the other side of me, just stand up from her" I threatened.
It was as if she was now coming back to her senses because she bowed her head like someone who was now regretting her actions. I never knew I was being hoodwinked. I had barely reached my door, when I heard the sound of my television being dragged to the ground, before I could turn around, she had grabbed the curtain rails and was coming for me......I ran for my dear life!

Keep it up bro,more ink to ur pen

hehehe funny fictitious adventures of an ajekpako

Thanks guys

"DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH"


I ran out of the room and out of the gate and continued running with the speed of two Usain Bolts. As I ran, I could hear her steps behind me and I increased my pace. After about fifteen minutes, with my knees buckling, legs shaking uncontrollably, T-shirt soaked, throat dry and rasping, I wobbled drunkenly into a slow stop and collapsed against a tree. That was when it occurred to me that I had been running like a mad man all the while, for upon turning around, I didn't see her. She had probably stopped chasing earlier than I realized
"Susan no go kill me" I said to myself.
My convulsive gasping took a while before it stopped. I waited for another ten minutes before summoning up courage to go back home. Dealing with a drug-addict required a great deal of carefulness, thanks to my years of schooling in Maiduguri - a town cursed with an ever increasing population of "ganja"-smoking and codeine-gulping hoodlums cosmetically identified as- "Civilian JTF", I had known the safety precautions to apply when dealing with a drug-addict of the calibre of Susan, which was nothing other than running for your life. Susan's case was not even severe, at least for now. If not for anything, she still knew the road to the examination hall. Some would even forget that they even had papers to write and would nonchalantly look towards the direction of the school and curse "Mey thunder fire all the lecturers dem and their nonsense exam", but that is another story for another Tuesday.
I walked home slowly praying that the evil spirit in Susan's head won't make her destroy the little properties in my room more than she had done already. I had barely reached the gate, when I realised that everything from the street's "Bulama's court to the backstreet businesses have closed down, but my compound had come alive. People poured into it from every possible direction to see for themselves who exactly the girl was that chased me with an iron. As I approached the compound, I could hear the side talks from the crowd.
"Shi ne!" which meant That's him. I ignore them and forged ahead. As I reached the gate, I heard loud voices coming from within. The voices increased as I came closer
"You sure say you don tie her well" I recognized the voice, it was Peter's.
I struggled through the crowd and upon opening the gate, I saw a group of about six young men strugglling to hold someone down. I needed no one to tell me that it was Susan. According to Peter, she had chased me with the curtain rail to a considerable distance before stopping and turning back. He had to call the guys to help him tie Susan up so that they could take her to the school clinic.
"Which yeye clinic?" I countered. "Like say you want make them expel her abi? I inquired sarcastically.
That was when it occurred to everyone that taking her to the school clinic might be a wrong move entirely. She struggled for about ten minutes to free herself before passing out. Peter breathed a sigh of relief and untied her. Their room was still a mess, so he begged me to take her into my room. Although with reservations, I accepted. I couldn't sleep all through that night. I was scared that she might probably wake up and complete her mischief. But fortunately, she didn't wake until the next morning. Jumping up, she greeted me with a hoarse "Wetin I dey do for here? "




Next Tuesday

"DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH"
(Final Episode.......continued from last Tuesday)




"Wetin I dey do here?" Susan thundered for the second time, as if she had seen me in her dream the night before.
I starred at her silhouetted frame, partly scared of looking at her face, for the fear of something I even couldn't lay my hands on. Even from the picturesque point of view, she still looked rough and violent. I cleaned my eyes for the second time and starred at her, yet Susan still looked like the "agberos" in a Lagos motor park.
"You been faint yesterday" I responded slowly.
"Ehh?...You dey craze! Na you faint" Susan rebuked me, standing up smartly, not wanting to hear another word from my mouth.
She grabbed her scarf and left my room with a gait that made her protuberant rumps dangle from left to right. I managed to resist the urge to look at her buttocks by unconsciously picking on my pillow case for no good reason. As she walked out, I couldn't help but reflect upon her personality. Susan was a "badoo". No doubt about that. But this was not who Susan had always been. Once upon a time, she was innocent, reserved and a girl every guy yearned to be with. That was years back, even before she started dating my friend. It was a guy nick-named "Control" (I can't recall his real name) that changed Susan to who she was now. It had happened that while she was dating Control, who was a self-acclaimed capon of the leading cult in school, he had introduced her into "downing" codeine while they were dating. Innocent as she might have been, she sheepishly succumbed and it marked her entry into a world of recklessness and misplaced priorities.
Interestingly, her addiction to codeine became severe when she started dating my friend who was literally a "woman wrapper". The type that was willing to wash her undies, just anything, as long as he would get laid. She no longer could survive a day without it. Even when she was without cash, she would keep her phone, bag or even shoes with the chemist as collateral for a bottle. At a point she almost used her school fees to cure here "craze", If not for the divine intervention of a friend of hers who related it to me. I had to follow her myself and see to it that she paid the money.
The surprising part of the whole thing was that even with her roughness, she still remained a diamond in the eyes of her parents, because all she had to do was pick up her phone, call them and gbamm!! the bank alert will surface immediately. What a love!
Peter was still cleaning their room when Susan entered. The broken bottles that littered the rug, had now carpeted with the raw egg that had dried up giving the room the perfect image worthy of the title - "big mess". Peter paused and looked up at Susan, whose countenance suddenly changed. The reality of her reckless impatience suddenly dawned on her. She was transfixed and without saying a word, she bent down and collected the broom from her boyfriend. She spent the next one hour cleaning up the room. A gesture that left everybody in the compound speechless, even me.
"She don dey regret wetin she do" A female neighbour whispered to me not wanting to incur Susan's wrath.
"Ehen na. She fu*k up big time!" I responded in a lighter tone.
"That one concern her oo" Emma, my next door neighbour countered. "Make she finish sweep first, na dat time she go come explain why she wan burn down our compound" He continued.
That was Emma, a guy of few words and dangerous actions. Unfortunately, he was not around when Susan was destroying the whole place. He was ready to let hell loose if she didn't explain why she acted the way she did. Knowing what he was capable of, we resorted to pleading with him.
"Emma abeg, people don too gather for this compound since yesterday" I tried to make him see reasons with me. The truth was that, I hated with passion, any form of undue negative publicity like the one Susan had caused the day before.
"She dey mad?" Emma inquired in a marijuana-infested voice. "Even if she dey mad sef, na dis morning she go see person wey him madness pass her own" He thundered.
"Emma no vex abeg" Susan pleaded as she came out of her room.
I was dumbfounded. Could this be Susan apologizing? I thought to myself. On an average day, Susan would have picked up a bottle and smashed it on Emma's head for merely calling her name in such a manner. But today was different.
"Ehn ehn" Emma mumbled, shaking his head in utter disagreement.
"This na major fu*k up, you must settle boys" He continued.
"Ok wetin I go use settle una?" Susan inquired smiling.
"Booze na.." Emma responded immediately.
Emma was a drunk. He took advantage of every situation in this world to get drunk. One couldn't resume to school, finish his exams or simply receive a bank alert in his presence, without buying him beer. His foul-breath had become his trademark.
"Ok I go buy am tomorrow" Susan agreed.
"Wetin dis one dey talk? Which wan be tomorrow again?" Emma inquired with astonishment.
"Na now we wan drink am" He continued.
At last, Susan finally succumbed and that was how we spent the rest of the day drinking and laughing about all that had happened the previous day.
THE END






Next Tuesday's story is titled "Clenched Fist" Keep your fingers and toes crossed.