IYANU, COPYRIGHT © 2015
NO PARTS OF THIS STORY MAYBE COPIED, SHARED OR RE-POSTED WITHOUT PRIOR APPROVAL FROM THE AUTHOR.

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“Look madam, if you can’t cope with my few demands, just tell me now o! There are plenty other cooks in Lagos.” “Ma, with all due respect, four cows, eight goats and twenty bags of rice are not few demands! Ma, we are expecting just a hundred guests, maximum of one fifty. If we buy all this things you are requesting, the couple will be eating the wedding rice for the next 5 months. In fact their first child will come and meet it!” See this woman o! Already insulting my unborn grandchild! How dare she?! “You are a she-goat for that statement!” That was my undoing. Before I know what was happening she has started reining plenty big big insults on me! “You ignoble illiterate! Dull, brainless, obtuse woman like you! You imprudent, fatuously ludicrous slowpoke! You…” Before the third ‘you’ came out, I saw my hand fly up to her face. I cannot explain the physics behind hot slaps but what I know is that the force of the slap multiplied by the weight of my hand turned the idiot woman into a human bullet. She flew from my front to the left; like one or two yards from me and landed like a heap of rubbish on the ground. How dare her talk to Mama Dapo like that?! I will not take it! Before I know what is happening this bag of rubbish is up from the ground, and like an angry bull, she charged at me, grabbing me by the waist. The ensuing event was fight of the century. I grabbed her by her big head and tried to put her in her place – under the in-between of my legs! The big head wouldn’t bulge. Jesus! I didn’t know this iya-akpati had power like this o! Before I know what was happening, my wrapper was coming down my waist. I knew that after that was the second layer wrapper and after the second layer wrapper was my under skirt. After the underskirt was my tight! My womanhood would be exposed to the whole wide world. I had to act fast. I grabbed her by the ear and pulled as hard! The power grip reduced on my waist and the descent of my wrapper was halted but then I had pulled her up to her feet! She held my blouse and we began a great struggle. I saw people start rushing from all nooks and crannies to come and watch the scene unfold. Why won’t they just separate us?! I was sweating, she was sweating. Together we were creating another agege market scene! How I missed my market woman days! Anyway, I was not going to let this tafia win me. I grabbed her by her waist and pulled her into a very tight hug! Tight, tighter, TIGHTERRR and she was now screaming! Screaming for help like the goat she is! I lifted her with intent to throw her into the gutter by my side. As I lifted her my husband tapped me on my hand and I woke up! GOSH! What a dream! This wedding will not kill me o! Is this what my own mother passed through when I was getting married?!

It was Saturday August 15th - the wedding day of my only son Dapo. Dapo’s Father and I had married over forty years ago and had had four daughters. After the fourth girl, we decided that we will have no other but as the years passed, business grew, the empire enlarged and it dawned on Baba Dapo and I that we had to get a son. Who would all these go to? Our four daughters were already grown women, with children and they showed little or no interest in living in their father’s glory. But a son will have no choice. Our daughters will have inheritance, but a son will have a legacy to follow in. He will continue the business and God willing take it to even greater heights.

I was sweating profusely and my sweat had even soaked the sheets. My husband understood the pensive period I was in. Dapo was the apple of my eyes. At that time, I had fought everyone including him (my husband) because of Dapo. In all the schools in Agege knew me and Dapo. I changed him from one school to another. I made sure any and every single teacher who touched my Dapo got what was coming. Whenever Dapo moved into a new class or a new teacher was assigned to his class, he or she was warned by other teachers and even the Head teacher himself. If you caned Dapo, you were rest assured of a troubled closing time. I always laugh when I remember a particular incident. The driver had gone to pick Dapo up from school one of those days. It was a Friday and the hot afternoon sun was blazing like – well a hot afternoon sun! I can just imagine the heat in hell!

Well Dapo came to me in the market with a swollen head! It was red and pulsating like the river of life was hidden somewhere under the mountain of flesh and blood on his head! At first I thought it was a boil, but when he told me his class teacher had hit him with the wooden board ruler, I saw the sun itself set! I called Sergeant Momodu and he came in five seconds with a patrol team. I got to the car, and Abu wanted to start driving. I collected the keys from him and without question or murmuring he ran to the gate. In ten seconds, I was pounding down the roads of Lagos, my son on my left, the police behind me. Momodu did not even know what he was following this crazy woman for. We were driving against traffic and I couldn’t care less. I can just imagine the scene I was causing. LASTMA officials were standing and looking with mouth agape, drivers were going off road just to avoid this crazy person. We finally got to his school. Students were still pouring out so the gate was opened. I barged into the school compound and drove head-on straight to the teacher’s staff room. I carried Dapo out of the car like he was newspaper and marched straight to their staff room. Momodu and his men were still struggling to understand. They could barely keep up with my pace. As I got into their staff room, I told Dapo to point out the teacher to me! He did and before my eyes I saw this full grown man fly out of the window! It was so unbelievable, I forgot my mission there! We all burst out laughing! I laughed so hard my partially tied wrapper fell down. Momodu’s men wanted to give chase but I called them back. In the end the Head teacher came in and pacified me, promising Heaven and Earth that no one would ever touch my Dapo again.
Dapo was my baby. Even at thirty, he was still my baby. It was fact that I had mixed feelings about his marriage. One skimpy looking girl who looks unfed would just come and take my Dapo from me! Dapo grew up a spoilt child, I know that but what can a woman do! You wait 10 years for a son then come back to me. Until then, your opinion does not matter! Dapo got everything he wanted as a baby, a boy, a youth and now a man. If not that the tiny thing he decided to marry respects me and calls mummy I will have showed her the true colours of the sun. Dapo loved me in return! He never did anything without my consent and told me everything. Before he even began to date this girl, he brought her pictures to me and later she herself visited. She seemed like a sweet little girl then. That was five years ago when he was in school. Then she conducted herself so well, I couldn’t help but at least like her. Now she’s a woman, nothing has changed. Let’s hope it stays so forever. If not…

My husband has awoken fully and I am still rolling on the bed. By ten this morning, we will be in church for the wedding and proceed to the reception at the Hilton Hotels and Towers by twelve. It’s still six in the morning – enough time to gist you!
I tell you ehn, preparing for marriage is very easy – especially when you are the groom’s family. Only thing is that you will become a bank and ATM machine at the same time. Always dispensing and dispensing for one reason or the other. For one withdrawer or the other. Preparations for Dapo’s wedding started the day he proposed to Folashade. As he proposed and she said the big ‘yes’, he called me. In five minutes we had planned the venues of everything from the introduction, traditional wedding, church wedding, reception and even their honeymoon!

To be Continued...