Whenever they release results, that is results
Pasted in the departmental board, there is
always a rush to go and check the scores. On
getting there the area around the notice board
is always crowded and you will have to take
turns to look at the extremely long list of woeful
scores. From my observation, I have been able
to segregate people into five
groups.



THE FIRST TIME SPANKERS:
We all know these ones, they will be the first to
get to the information board because they
usually guess they would have passed the test/
exams and they only check for two things on the
information board. Their score and who had the
highest score. Their eyes can scan through the
list faster than a computer. They sometimes
push for the results to be released earlier than
it should. Even though they are the first to get
there, they are usually the last to leave. They
always want to hear their names being
mentioned when a fellow student ask another
student who had the highest set of scores and
when directly asked that question, they will
smile and say with great Pride mixed with
arrogance “ I don’t know o, I only know my
score”.....




THE FIRST TIME BANGERS:
These guys whine and complain about the
result, they never accept that their ill
preparation cost them the result. They can
blame almost anything for their failure starting
from the lecturer does not like them, the
question paper was too white, the examination
hall was too hot or cold, the exam was too
simple to answer e.t.c The worst thing is they
believe that everyone that got above them
especially the first time spankers were lucky or
cheated. The first time bangers usually make the
most noise. The guys start speaking broken
English even the ones that have never spoken it
before while the ladies start hissing continuously
as if they are seizing.



THE ANALYZERS:
If you can’t remember your matriculation
number, don’t panic. The analyzers have got you
covered. I don’t think this group cares about
their results because they never seem to check
for their scores. They are natural statisticians,
before you even get near the board to check
your score, they are already telling you things
like 50% failed, only 5% got above 70, 10% got
between 50-55… they then end with I think you
scored 45.How the heck did they know your
matric number you will think to yourself and just
as you are moving towards the board to confirm
your score, you hear… and your girlfriend got
one mark above you, she had 46. “You guys are
really in love.”




THE ANNOUNCERS:
While the first time spankers are usually the first
to get to the notice board, the announcers will
probably hear it from that the result is out. They
take immense pleasure in snapping selfies with
the results. If you check their phones, they have
more pictures of result sheets than they have of
their family members. They are the first to post
the results on group pages, face book,
instagram and use as display/profile picture.
Some even tweet about it and send it as
broadcast messages.



These guys are rumored to be the chronic
bangers. I used the word rumored because no
one actually sees their scores since their space is
always shaded with dark ink or the part of the
result sheet with their score(s) on it is always
missing. It is only a veteran announcer that can
be fast enough to snap their result. They are
always there to get rid of any paper that will
reflect their scores.
If you have any additions, subtractions
clarifications (or donations lol) comment below



written by yungxt...