I was sitting at one of my regular Mamak restaurants last Sunday night when two men and a China doll sat at the table next to me under the open sky. I was pretending to watch the sports channel where they were talking about the upcoming Spain versus France match when a question popped into my head : Just why do married men pay for the company of China dolls?

I have to admit, these China dolls in their late 30s to mid forties look very good for their age. PRCs know what it takes to package themselves up – I mean, they do this for a living – being paid by men to be carried around like a, erm……..do men carry handbags?

I was there at the Mamak writing down my cogitations about “projection” when I simply had to ask myself, what am I projecting when I’m admiring this China doll? I guess it would be, “I wish I was that well groomed and that I took as much care of my physical beauty as she does!”

The man who was her “patron” noticed me noticing his trophy and I don’t know what he was thinking but his body language changed to show he’s now interested in my interest. Uhm.

Why do men marry? This guy here, he’s obviously married. He had on a Lion’s Club polo shirt – he must have professional and social ambitions. But it’s obvious he’s not married to the PRC. What does a PRC China Doll know that Malaysian wives and girlfriends don’t? Why do men bring PRC Dolls out at night but not their wives? What else is in the packaging PRC Dolls peddle apart from great physical grooming?



While pretending not to stare I put pencil to notebook and started scribbling my thoughts. What does the China Doll make this man feel that his wife can’t?

A girlfriend makes a man feel desirable. A wife doesn’t. I guess some men need to feel like a hero and having a woman, the wife, know every single one of their flaws makes them feel – well, less of the hero they’d like to see themselves as. Men have fragile egos…..I think.

Putting thought into this man’s escapades with the PRC Doll had a lot to do with something I’ve been mulling over for a couple of weeks. Lex, since our Third Regime, has been consistently bringing up why he wants to get married and what he expects from a life of wedded bliss. I’ve been playing Devil’s Advocate so I could learn more about what Lex thinks on the issue of matrimonial commitment and why they end – or don’t end when they should.

That night I formulated this theory I’m about to share in this post. Actually, if you were to see my notebook, I made a flowchart. I’m such a nerd, I know.

I think a man takes on a wife to have a sense of being responsible and to have an image of performing an honorable act i.e. to be able to take care of a woman he is responsible for who will offer him unconditional, loyal, support. Well, at least that’s the idea.

I think some people, regardless of whether they are men or women, find fulfillment through personal pursuits while others find fulfillment in domestic pursuits. Personal pursuits such as throwing themselves into their hobbies, interests, social life, travel, profession, art, spiritual development, etc.

And there are those who don’t find fulfillment in all those things I just mentioned but instead long for someone to come home to at a certain time every day, pick up after work, call to check up on a few times a day, sleep next to every night, wake up to every morning, have meals together, take vacations with and share in an extended social and family circle.

For a long time throughout human history only monks and nuns had the privilege of experiencing a life devoted to personal pursuits. The rest of humanity had to conform to the violence of fitting into designated roles performing designated functions in the name of maintaining civilization and prospering the race. But we all have that choice now : how to pursue your deepest, most personal purpose and fulfilling it.

When I visit my homeschooling friends and their family I am in awe of the amount of co-operation in the home and the energy invested in keeping a home, designing a new one, cooking meals, running errands together and packing up for vacations every now and then. The level of buzz and activity that’s always going on in these homes – breakfasts that last til lunch, dinners that include extended family…….. It’s a flowing, uninterrupted series of interactions and conversations and things to do and activities and connectedness – all alien to me.

I immerse myself into their world for a couple of days, follow them around, play with their kids, offer my help around the house, meet their family and friends who drop in any time of the day, listen in to their conversations as they constantly keep in touch with one another – I hung around like a lost orphan and I sometimes think to myself, “Hey, maybe I want this – this thingy here.” But when I leave their blessed domestic paradise I realize I just don’t have what it takes to be the sort of woman that can be the engine for all of that to happen.

Lex keeps telling me that my repetition of “I am not wife material” is just a story I tell myself. He thinks I’m superb wife material. I say I can’t cook or make a home. And I don’t even think I’m obligated to do that for a man! He said he loves cooking and would rather cook and eat his own meals even if he’s had a really long day at work – cooking is just what he loves. And keeping a home is a stroll in the park for him. What makes him think I’m wife material is that I’m honest, loyal, faithful, sweet and …well, maybe good at something men expect a wife to be good at.

He has no idea what I’m comparing myself to – the women who have channeled their all to weave a complex family unit together. My breathing gets labored just listening to the amount of things they have to get done and the amount of moving around they do. “That’s how we keep fit.” Uhm, OK! They don’t even get to eat 2 hour meals – meal times are spent making sure everything’s on the table and the little ones get fed – or at least don’t kill each other until they’ve gotten some food in their stomach or at the very least make sure the small ones don’t fall off the table or console them for whatever reason got them sobbing in the first place. I would break out in hives if I didn’t have nannies and maids – even so, I’d break down. I am in total and complete awe of these women and how they manage a home fit for a family.

The women who have opted for this life are highly educated, very smart, very capable women. They’d beat me to a pulp on any field we choose to run on. They’ve channeled all their energy into creating a family, giving the guy the privilege of having a wholesome family life. The women, not the men, made it happen. These women find their ultimate fulfillment, and they know that, from domestic life.

And some men are like that too. These are the men who look forward to someone to come home to. These men find it a joy to make money so they can spend it all on their family. These are men who don’t need boys’ night out, who don’t need “space” and men who find the whole idea of “another woman” immature and futile. All they’ve ever wanted is there in their abode – the welcoming wife, the visiting parent / in-law, a house filled with the chatter, laughter and cries of children, gadgets and tools and everything that acts like a magnet to draw the man back to dock at the mothership.

There are men who value a woman who make sacrifices for them : bearing children for them, giving up their careers and other personal freedoms, lending unending support and bearing with them and their flaws. These men value a woman’s loyalty and faithfulness and her love and devotion.

Other men don’t value these same things. They value their own freedom and individuality above what a woman as wife, offers. Some of them are honest and decide to postpone marriage and face up to social discrimination – or at least its milder cousin, social scrutiny. But most men aren’t man enough for that. In fact, you’ll see more women who value personal freedom and individuality pass over marriage and face up to social scrutiny than you would see men who would do the same. Men just get married for respectability while at the back of their mind they’ve already decided to renegade on their contract – even if they don’t admit it and make excuses and justifications when they’re caught neglecting the pact they made with a woman who bought into it.

I think it takes two people, the man and the woman, who have a shared goal of achieving their deepest need through domestic fulfillment, to create a happy, meaningful, fulfilling, life together. In the case of women being fed-up with the wandering husband who likes to stay out late, the man-boy who devotes a lot of time to his hobbies that exclude the wife / the rest of the family, I think the women just married a man who wants a domestic life but whose nature is not necessarily fulfilled by one.

The problem begins when people don’t realize that there are two fundamental ways in which people go about achieving their deepest, personal sense of fulfillment and meaning and thus don’t POLARIZE. The monks and the nuns polarized. The fulfilled couple with children polarized. But the rest of us just made compromises.

Some men just get married so they can get marriage off their to-do list and go back to pursuing the things that give them personal fulfillment; more money/status/travel, social life, higher levels in a never-ending RPG game, etc.

But women who get married don’t – at least not yet – have the same level of freedom, the same permission, to abscond the explicit and implicit duties of married life. These women become unhappy wives that the men eventually dread to go back to. Why wouldn’t they become bitter if someone wasn’t keeping up their part of the bargain? The tragedy is that I think, for the most part, people are actually unaware of what’s showing up for them in their lives – I mean, how could they when they’re not aware that they had to polarize first between domestic and personal pursuits before committing their energy to either?

I think men “cheat” because they don’t find their deepest, most personal, meaningful fulfillment through playing the role of the husband with a predictable routine. Domestically-inclined men would jump off their seats into their cars just to get home to see the wife and see how the kids are doing. Domestically-inclined husbands are proud of the home they’re paying for and value their wives so much more for having his children for him and value the role their wives play in elevating their social status as they go around their social circle (church, community events, school activities, meetings) as a family unit. These men don’t need as much time with “the boys” or schedule meetings that run late into the night. The best place for them to be is home. The best sex is with the woman they’re providing for. They honor and cherish the value of the support and loyalty their wife is offering up to them. It’s what makes them feel secure and safe; routine, predictability, comfort. The fact that she knows him so well and sees all his flaws makes him feel relieved that he is seen.

I’m not saying men who can’t find their deepest, most personal fulfillment and meaning through domestic life and wedded bliss shouldn’t get married. But both men and women should know themselves, polarize and figure out how their needs for achieving self-actualization is best manifested and then establish said long-term relationship with the person who has also clearly defined what they need out of the relationship.

I learned this lesson when Lex kept talking to me about the idea of getting married. He’s a great guy and like I said many times before, a man a lot of women would bend over backwards to date and marry. But when he described what he wanted to feel complete (someone to come home to, pick up from work, share domestic life, go to bed with, wake up next to, take family vacations, tell the guys it’s time to go home to the family, bring his family out to showcase as an extension of his self-image as a loving, responsible, man….) it didn’t resonate with me.

At first I thought there was something wrong with me since he kept persuading me to buy the idea that I’m not getting younger and one of these days I’m going to regret passing up this chance to get married and have more children. It wasn’t until I started thinking about why some men who get married still go on to want / need girlfriends that I realized that the opposite is also true. Lex has told me many times what he feels about polygamy and can never see himself doing that. And I see his point now : what Wife offers fulfills his needs, not what girlfriend offers.

In the past year I’ve been swaying back and forth between the need to get married and have more children and the need to ramp up the efforts on my personal pursuits of serving more people, going deeper into Soul and making more money. I love having my own personal space and I don’t see a need to share a bed with anyone – even the person I’m willing to give an eye to. Completing this thought gave me a sense of liberation – I know now where I will polarize towards.

Source:https://sassydragon./2012/06/27/why-do-married-men-still-need-girlfriends/

History 101

Oh my.. this writer has definitely gone cuckoo.. for such a simple theme, she harvested a massive article on why men cheat.. my golly.. she has been at the receiving end for too long and refused to visit a counselor. Men Cheat cos they like it.. nothing else

emmyblackky:
History 101

ol boy i think say na only me see am

Tired of one soup erryday

Summarize please.

The writer started well but veered off midway. Too many different topics meshed in one piece but I admire the mind behind it still.

That being said, this is one of those diary entries you term 'ramblings', where you type non-stop without hitting backspace.

Kachisbarbie:
How many married men do you know na? @topic

anyway, my boo doesn't have a boo.

then water are U...

Kachisbarbie:
How many married men do you know na? @topic

anyway, my boo doesn't have a boo.

Harry song's reggae blues comes to mind.

Kachisbarbie:

I am boo too na. He doesn't have another boo

he has.. Ur children too are his boo's

Kachisbarbie:
How many married men do you know na? @topic

anyway, my boo doesn't have a boo.

I'm sure you can't bet your life on that.

Because thier wives don't satisfy them sexually.

johnydon22:
Marriage should be communicative, you don't expect every woman to be an expert like a porn star.

If she isn't as good as you want, it is marriage so you teach her to become as good as you want and also be ready to get as good as she wants too...

It's mutual and supposed to be that way... This is not an excuse

Blah blah blah.
Na so...one like for you.
You think people don't know about the above u typed.
The reality however is very very different.
Most women simply are not interested in all this discussion u people are always talking about. Full stop.
And the men simply don't have the patience. Full stop.
Why do married men have girlfriends knowing fully well that if they get caught it can ruin thier marriage, knowing fully well that they can catch an STD, knowing full well that they'll have to spend more money, knowing fully well that they can get the girl pregnant, knowing fully well that women of nowadays will walk out of the marriage before they can go on their knees and beg etc etc etc.

The answer is simple.

They re not getting enough sex.

johnydon22:


And is the woman good to get her own boy friend too because obviously she should tired of the same meat everyday ?

open anoda thread bout the woman own,den I ll ansa

AfricanApple:
I'm sure you can't bet your life on that.

You're sure? Or you wish I can't bet my life on the above. Would it make you feel better if I say yes, I can't bet my life on it?

May God give you a husband you can't vouch for his faithfulness. Can sambary say a loud AMEN?

iAmCharis:
Harry song's reggae blues comes to mind.

I come wonder if the guy doesn't know the song o.

so this article is about someone rambling about Malay men dating Chinese ladies

I thought other men aside naija men don't cheat

Deeprof123 I can't believe you wrote an epistle just for this. LOL. Well if you ask me I'll ask you the question in reverse: what do single girls date married men?

Well from the ones I spoke with about this, many told me the same thing, "a married man spend more on them than a single guy". So its all for the money bruv.

But this occurrence is now becoming a norm in Nigeria. Married men don't stick to their wives any more, but you still have to ask these girls who lynch on these men this question: why date a man who you know can't marry you when you know he's married and he won't leave his wife for you? Note that many of them are looking for husbands....

Kachisbarbie:


You're sure? Or you wish I can't bet my life on the above. Would it make you feel better if I say yes, I can't bet my life on it?

May God give you a husband you can't vouch for his faithfulness. Can sambary say a loud AMEN?

Now I know you're making yourself feel better. Its a nice move though.

AfricanApple:
I'm sure you can't bet your life on that.

LOL.

Kachisbarbie:
How many married men do you know na? @topic

anyway, my boo doesn't have a boo.

"And the truth shall set you free". LMFAO.

pickabeau1:
so this article is about someone rambling about Malay men dating Chinese ladies

I thought other men aside naija men don't cheat

Of course, the Malay men in this article are Nigerians who naturalized. Indigent Mallay me don't cheat. It's an African caveman thing.

too long joor

Op you know very well that an average man be it white, black, Asian etc all wants a lady who will treat him with respect...

This side girls made them believe that he was all in all in their life. Even though it was all lies. ..

Example a man might come back home drunk. The first thing the wife will say will be " useless man. You are back. When will you be responsible bla bla bla. Some might even pour water on the man and do so many unprintable things.

But a drunk man went to a side chick' s. The first thing she will say would be " honey, I have told you to stop drinking. She will stagger with him into the house. Remove his shirt and make him feel comfortable. She might even ask if he wanted something to eat etc...

I am against married men having girls out side their wedlock but the difference is clear based on treatment.

Too lazy to read.

Kachisbarbie:


You're sure? Or you wish I can't bet my life on the above. Would it make you feel better if I say yes, I can't bet my life on it?

May God give you a husband you can't vouch for his faithfulness. Can sambary say a loud AMEN?


I come wonder if the guy doesn't know the song o.

lmao, whether you pray or not, the truth remains the same that no man can be trusted 100% when it comes to things under the skirt.
and to say girls like you, their hearts can be broken easily because you actually build castles in the air.

Kachisbarbie:


Save the orientation for yourself and daughters when and if you decide to get married.
Talk of hypocrites, were you not the one I saw defending the female folks like Samuria X on a thread about how girls can marry anyone for money?
It hurts you that much when they generalise on females, but you can do same to men?

I wonder how you conveniently sampled the entire male folks to arrive at the emboldened. 'still expecting your Amen. If you can't say Amen to that, please keep quiet sweetie, you're just another pharisee.


May God give you a 100% trustworthy man, a man you can trust around THINGS under skirts_ it's actually bliss. I know you have never experienced it.

Profound.

AfricanApple, it seems that she wishes for you better than you are able to wish for yourself. Where along the way did you give up on the desire to be loved and respected?

Mindfulness:


Profound.

AfricanApple, it seems that she wishes for you better than you are able to wish for yourself. Where along the way did you give up on the desire to be loved and respected?

Dude she was being sarcastic to the fullest.

joseph1832:
Dude she was being sarcastic to the fullest.

Like I said, profound!

voltron:
Oh my.. this writer has definitely gone cuckoo.. for such a simple theme, she harvested a massive article on why men cheat.. my golly.. she has been at the receiving end for too long and refused to visit a counselor. Men Cheat cos they like it.. nothing else