Back in the days when I was still on the shelf, I fell in love with a voice. You see, I wasn't in the habit of picking strange numbers, but on this day I was so bored I just needed to get occupied. Plus, it could have been one of my endless suitors calling to ask if I had changed my mind as he'd made plans to take me to America, the land of the great. Yea right, a girl is allowed to dream.

So it wasn't someone I knew, but he called to ask if I was on my way.
'Way to where?' I'd asked, amused.

'To my office now. Ahn ahn, Shebi you said you'll bring your laptop so I can copy those books' he sounded like he knew me. I insisted I didn't know him. He asked what town in Nigeria I was, and I told him.

'Are you serious?',he chuckled. Well, I was ready to be serious since it was his airtime, not mine.

That misplaced call was the birth of a lustful telephone affair. He'd call me for hours on end and describe how engorged his male member got just by listening to my voice. He told me so many times that I sounded like a virgin that I got convinced that the tissue found its way back to make me qualify as one. Thankfully, those were the days when you were even lucky if your phone has GPRS, so he didn't ask for nudes.

On my own end, I'd always assumed he was tall and had striking good looks. He always talked about girls complimenting his haircut, footwear, dimples, backside and manboobs. OK, I lied. No one compliments manboobs.

After seven months of clogging the airwaves with our charged passions, we agreed to meet. I lied to my mommy that I was going to shop for a few items, after all he would not come all the way from his base empty handed and I'd have to explain where I got the goodies from. I dressed up in a very nice way, showing off my curves and cleavage. I even borrowed my Elder sister's perfume and dabbed on generous quantities. One look at the mirror and I knew the guy wouldn't resist me.

I got to where we were to meet, excited and full of expectations. I wasn't just disappointed. The only person that held a phone to his ear while I was calling was a dirty old cripple in green khaftan. I decided to wait.
Then the cripple began to waddle towards me in a funny dance, as if to welcome me back from some war. I nearly died of shame. I was discombobulated!

'Hi, are you Softie?' He bared his yellow horse teeth in imitations of a smile that looked like a grimace. Where were the dimples? All I saw was a massive facial dent, the result of some childhood illness.

'Yes' I gasped in reply. I realized too late that I'd made a mistake. I should have denied it, but while I was chiding myself, he pulled me into a hug. My nose had a fill of his odor, and left a bitter taste at the back of my throat. Oh Lord, wake me, no, take me now! I cried, but God sent a clap of thunder that left an On Your Own lightning sign in its wake.

He dragged me by my forearm to a table and clucked like a hen, telling me about the meeting he had before coming to see me. For one thing, the guy is very knowledgeable and swung from topic to topic like a monkey that found tree branches. I listened for a while, then started to doze when he wouldn't shut up. In total, he discussed Nigerian people and culture for thirteen minutes, the values of garlic for seven minutes, feminism for four minutes, and 'our' relationship. In all of this time, I mentally shopped in three malls and saved a biker from falling into a ditch. I danced with Gov. Fashola and traveled into space, then came back younger and supernatural.
He talked on, even about clones and pepper price. I chose my wedding colors and went shopping for my aso oke in my head.
When I couldn't stand it I ordered my drink alone and guzzled it refreshingly.

To make matters worse, one of my other suitors was looking at us from a spot some distance away. I quickly asked him to let me go home because I had to make dinner. He looked hurt and frustrated, but I guess that the kind-equivalent for the cash I wasted in going to see him.

I never picked his calls again, and I never had another blind date till I got married.

op you are so on point.

Hmmm hilarious

Quite harsh,maybe you shld've become friends with him

Funny.

nedu2000:
Quite harsh,maybe you shld've become friends with him

Anyone capable of such deception can kill you, don't you think?

softandmoist:


Anyone capable of such deception can kill you, don't you think?

his wish was to meet you in person after he'ld believe you must've fallen for him.
He's still human and knows that if he had told you abt his 'condition' you won't have given him a moments notice. Everyone wants a companion and he wished you could be one