became a Christian when I was 18. I was born in Southern Russia.  I was very passionate about Jesus, active in Church, was baptized by the Holy Spirit and shared the Gospel. God has blessed me a lot.
When God baptized me with the Holy Spirit I had a strong desire to tell people about Jesus. I was sharing the Good news about Christ almost everyday. I felt very close to God. I used to spend hours praying and reading the Bible.
Once I had a nightmare. The devil was chasing me in my dream. He swore to me that he would get me.  When I woke up in the middle of the night, the fear did not go away. It just intensified. The fear filled every cell of my brain and was driving me insane. I knew I was in the presence of evil. I was in my room, but everything looked like I was in another dimension. I desperately started praying and praising God. This was the only thing that kept me in a right mind. I prayed almost all night. The evil left only early in the morning.
When I shared my experience with one of the American missionaries in my Church, he told me that the devil is chained and can never harm any Christian. I was never taught anything about spiritual warfare and I did not have any idea that I had to do something to resist the enemy.  I have learned the truth the hard way.  Only three years later did I learn that the devil is alive and well on planet Earth and he hates and fights against everyone who decides to commit his/her life to Jesus Christ.
Very soon after my baptism by the Holy Spirit, I subconsciously started feeling that I was more special to God than any other Christian and other people. I started feeling that way because of all the material and spiritual blessings that God gave me.  My tutoring business was prospering in Russia; I received grants to travel abroad and in addition, I was awarded a full scholarship to attend a graduate school in Columbia University in New York.
During one of my prayers, God told me that I had to repent. God warned me about my pride and told me to repent or I WOULD FALL. He said that I was no more special than anybody else.  He also told me not to judge others. Unfortunately, I was more excited about the fact that God was speaking to me than the fact that I had to obey Him and did what He told me.
Living in New York City…
Four years ago, as of this writing date, I moved to New York to study towards a Master’s degree at Columbia University.  In New York, things did not go the way I had hoped for. I had a lot of struggles and did not understand why God allowed me to suffer so much. Even though God blessed me a lot with a full scholarship to study at Columbia, I did not trust Him and did not thank Him in my difficult times. Instead, I hated New York and Columbia and I started grumbling and complaining a lot.  
This was the beginning of my fall. I became very depressed and was in agonizing pain and fear. I fasted, regularly prayed, read the Bible, and went to Church, but the agony and fear did not go away; it was lacerating my soul so that it was even hard for me to walk and to talk. Every movement required so much strength. It felt like someone was dragging me down and hindering my movements. I was constantly harassed by the devil who was telling me that I was a total loser and a failure. 
After a year of my agony, God drew me back to Him for a very short time. He spoke to me and I wrote down His Words in my diary. Only in two years did I understand what He told me. God told me that I would have a very severe trial and I would suffer a lot, but He promised to get me through all my sufferings and produce very fruitful change within me.
While I was hearing God’s voice I was also be able to hear the voice of a demon. I was completely oblivious to the fact that demons can counterfeit God’s voice to deceive Christians. I did not know that I had to test every word against the Bible. That’s why -- when I heard that I would get the internship in World Bank and would meet my future husband in D.C. -- I believed that it was from God.  The demon was speaking to my fleshly desires. I liked it and I believed it.  I had some doubts, but I also thought that God could never allow a demon to deceive me.
Shortly after that, my only Christian friend in New York left the City for the summer. I was left alone. Even though I lived in the City for a year, I still did not have Christian friends. I attended the Church, but still did not know anyone there.  
I became even more depressed. I was completely alone and did not have anyone to share my struggles with. I thought that God did not care and did not love me anymore since He did not answer my prayers to find a church and have Christian friends.  I hit my bottom when I failed my interview in the World Bank and was not given a job offer. I could not understand why God allowed a demon to deceive me.  I did not want to live anymore and started thinking of committing suicide. I could not bear my incessant agony. 
Then I realized that I could not even die because I would go to hell and be in even more pain for eternity. I felt trapped. I did not want to live and could not die. I felt like I lived in hell. The pain was so bad that I even started cutting myself with a knife because physical pain was much more bearable than spiritual torment.  The evil was always around me, penetrating my brain, tormenting my soul, always ready to speak to me and dragging me down.  The more I prayed and read the Bible the more I was harassed by the voice, and the more agony I had. I did not know what to do and I was unable to resist.
Then I did something unspeakable.  I could not take the pain anymore and I broke. I became so angry with God that I told God to get out of my life. I told Him that I hated Him and I did not want to talk with Him anymore and be with Him. Since I often talked to Him, I needed to literally make myself stop thinking about Him. I stopped praying and reading the Bible.  I decided to follow my way.  Little did I know the dire aftermath of my decision. I did not realize that I left God and turned to follow the devil. I didn't realize that you either serve God or Satan -- there is no third option.

I now realize that God was always watching over me regardless of all my bad decisions.

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