I had to respond to a post here on NL where a poster and some contributors where of the opinion that a woman is under a duty to disclose her income to her husband. To them, it is an indication that you are a united couple and the family is integrated. The poster suggested that his wife "Finally opened up" and so has told him her income and they were in the process opening a "joint" account.

As a husband and father, I beg to differ that it takes your wife's disclosure of her income for your family to be united. A confident man does not INSIST that his wife "opens up" on her income. It is not compulsory that a woman tells her husband what she earn. Such information or disclosure should be earned not commanded/forced/conned/coerced out of a woman. Men should understand that when you take a wife, it is your primary responsibility to take care of her and your children WHETHER SHE CONTRIBUTES OR NOT. SHE IS A HELPER NOT A CO-HEAD. A man is the HEAD and should carry out his duties.

When a man a noses around his wife's earning and wants to know what she earns and becomes insecure or unhappy that she has not divulged such information, it IS CONDESCENDING and amounts to reneging ones responsibility or vacating his duty. He is not a confident man and is not acting responsibly. He comes across as a weak man who is probably a gold digger. A man is not a man in his capacity to coax his wife into divulging her income, he is a man in his capacity to hustle genuinely and honorably and hold his own. When a REAL and CARING woman perceives the hard work, honest contribution and sense of caring leadership of her husband, she will voluntarily support him. Women are some of the most loyal beings and you get the best of them when you make them feel like a the center of the world (I mean genuinely not deceitfully). When you make a woman feel like the queen of your life, you will become her banker and her real estates agent (that the OP appears to yearn for and has finally secured).

I am not saying that some hardworking men dont get hit with tough times. They do. But MOST responsible men with a sense of pride do not insist on getting to know their income lest they loose their self respect. Even a broke man who is confident will not want to loose his gloss by crying over her earning.

My experience with men who get their wife to change title of property and open joint account (and they often are the sole signatory of the "joint" account) is that down the line, they gullible woman gets kicked out to face the reality of her stupidity because the "joint" account does not join the heart. It mostly funds the lazy mans excesses or profligacy. In many cases they get killed. If I were friends with the OP's wife I would advise her against opening the joint accounts and changing document titles. Men who marry women with the intention of leaving off them like leeches should simply swap positions and become the woman.

My love for my wife is not a consequence of her disclosure of her income, but the quality of woman she is. Dont mistake me for implying that I have NEVER HAD TO ASK MY WIFE FOR ASSISTANCE. I DO, but my wife knows that I am a hardworking man and I do not live off her. And even if her father were a "Tinubu" I (THE MAN SHE MARRIED) would NEVER ask her to change her property titles to my name and change her bank account to my name. That would be unnecessary because I am genuinely hustling and I do not need her father's property willed to her to be fine. That is not love...that is a heist in the making. Her father is a man like myself and worked hard to get his property. Why cant I do the same to have mine in my own way?

My take that is.

Hmmmmm.....

Different strokes for different folks.

...and two shall become one.

It's not always necessary especially if the husband doesn't mind.

What even got me pissed off while reading that thread Op is referring to was when he said he after the disclosure he felt as if his marriage just started and HE NOW SEES FUTURE WITH HIS WIFE and to add to the injury, he went further to say the wife is rich o. He passed across as a gold digger who didn't see any future with his wife not until ha knew her monetary worth.

Fine, there is nothing wrong if a wife willingly discloses her worth or changes her properties to a joint ownership but as the op rightly said, it shouldn't be forced. In the same vein, men alone should not be left to bear the whole financial responsibilities. Comments on NL gives that wrong impression that only men provide but in the real life where I live many women around me bear a huge financial responsibilities for their homes. It's a pity in Nigerian setting, the woman losses out if anything happens to the marriage (nobody prays for this though). But life happens!

Brandnew2:
It's not always necessary especially if the husband doesn't mind.

Thats exactly my question...is it the scripture,constitution,tradition or common sense that gives the man the RIGHT to "mind"? Why do men feel their wife is under an obligation to disclose their income but they do not feel they same duty to disclose theirs?

Both parties have to. If it's the True Love that i know, there is no secret in love.

I respectfully disagree. A couple should have some sort of financial planning and budget.

A man is not a beast of burden. Nigeria is hard, economy is tough a wife who earns an income should work with her husband to ensure family needs are met and the man doesn't stress himself carrying all the burden.

A woman's income is not a secret society issue abeg, every family should be able to plan income and expenditure and work together to achieve long term plans.

It is the same women who will come and be crying that their husband's sibblings are next of kin yet they want to hide their salaries instead of working as a team to achieve financial success.

A man is more than money for food and rent, a husband is more than that, a husband is a lover, partner and friend. If I go into a partnership then I should do so with no hidden assets or liabilities. Financial misunderstanding is a major problem in most marriages. When we stop making men mere pay cheques while we hide our money then we will start having a proper stake in our marriages.

Marry proper husbands who you trust with your body and money. Marriage isn't that hard lets stop complicating it with outdated stereotypes that help no one

Why is the woman hiding her income in the first place

Eketem, I think what Totfulguy is saying is "Men, you cannot eat your cake and have it". Both of you are saying the same thing actually: you are saying women should contribute financially to the marriage so they have a greater say in decision-making and he is saying men shouldn't expect women to forcefully contribute to the marriage yet expect them to stay in their traditional subjugated roles.

Basically, if you want a wife who is financially sharing the burden with you (a traditional man's role), you should share in the responsibilities of caring for the home via chores and childcaren (a traditional woman's role). If you wanna play "the Man", you shouldn't be asking your wife for her money. If you want a husband that is open about his finances, you have to be open about yours and demand a stake in the marriage (why anybody who does not have mental issues will leave his inheritance to his brothers and leave his kids in penury baffles me. I have never seen any of those "loving and loyal" brothers take care of the children).

That thread, they kept asking the OP that now his wife has opened up and they were sharing finances, he should also share house chores. and child care. I don't know if he answered that question.

Onegai:
Eketem, I think what Totfulguy is saying is "Men, you cannot eat your cake and have it". Both of you are saying the same thing actually: you are saying women should contribute financially to the marriage so they have a greater say in decision-making and he is saying men shouldn't expect women to forcefully contribute to the marriage yet expect them to stay in their traditional subjugated roles.

Basically, if you want a wife who is financially sharing the burden with you (a traditional man's role), you should share in the responsibilities of caring for the home via chores and childcaren (a traditional woman's role). If you wanna play "the Man", you shouldn't be asking your wife for her money. If you want a husband that is open about his finances, you have to be open about yours and demand a stake in the marriage (why anybody who does not have mental issues will leave his inheritance to his brothers and leave his kids in penury baffles me. I have never seen any of those "loving and loyal" brothers take care of the children).

That thread, they kept asking the OP that now his wife has opened up and they were sharing finances, he should also share house chores. and child care. I don't know if he answered that question.

You are right mostly. However interacting with my sisters ; Nigerian women I find that when it comes to money have totally double standards. They can trust their men with the nak-ed bodies and have unprotected s-ex but when it comes to money they don't trust these same husbands.

Once a woman put up a post that generated over 500 comments. She said a lady's office paid for her to travel first class abroad and her husband wasn't doing financially well at the moment so should she pay for first class ticket for him or let him fly economy. I was shocked that 90 percent of the women there replied that the man should fly economy and not waste her money even though she could afford it. Some even called the man names and said he should go and hustle like his mates.

These are modern women with modern husbands oh husbands who help with baby cooking and house chores. A friend asked if it was a man's wife travelling with her husband and the man stays in first class and sends his wife to economy if we won't crucify him as a wicked abusive man.

I think Nigerian couples need to be more financially open and responsible. We don't plan as families we just wait on God and fate and pray for miracles when we should be doing financial planning for every step and decisions as a family. A couple should have a joint account each contributing a percentage for expenditure to avoid these stories and suspicion

Eketem:
I respectfully disagree. A couple should have some sort of financial planning and budget.

A man is not a beast of burden. Nigeria is hard, economy is tough a wife who earns an income should work with her husband to ensure family needs are met and the man doesn't stress himself carrying all the burden.

A woman's income is not a secret society issue abeg, every family should be able to plan income and expenditure and work together to achieve long term plans.

It is the same women who will come and be crying that their husband's sibblings are next of kin yet they want to hide their salaries instead of working as a team to achieve financial success.

A man is more than money for food and rent, a husband is more than that, a husband is a lover, partner and friend. If I go into a partnership then I should do so with no hidden assets or liabilities. Financial misunderstanding is a major problem in most marriages. When we stop making men mere pay cheques while we hide our money then we will start having a proper stake in our marriages.

Marry proper husbands who you trust with your body and money. Marriage isn't that hard lets stop complicating it with outdated stereotypes that help no one

Like I said, when the couple are genuinely working together and BEING A COUPLE, the issues flatten out because they both have each other's best interest at heart. I am not an advocate of the western styled nuclear family where the couple ignore their families of birth because they are now married. They still have a responsibility towards these ones but their primary focus once they are married are themselves. And everyone should gradually adjust to this reality. They on their own part should not neglect parents or sibling who have need if they can be of assistance. That would be unholy.

I agree that many women hoard their income and latch on to their husbands resources. Many women have practically enriched themselves and run their husband dry. Men should know the women they married and understand how to handle such situations. There are women who are gold diggers. BUT NOT ALL WOMEN ARE LIKE THAT. The average woman who goes into a marriage goes in with the desire to stay married (I might be wrong but the statistics may be 6 out of 10 as against 3 out of 10 men). With this mentality, such a woman will do her best to see that their marriage works...including but not limited to contributing to the home in any way possible. If you are fortunate to marry such a woman then there are chances that you can work together and achieve what you want to achieve.

Proper husband are a rarity these days just like proper wives...Chances are, there are more proper wives than there are proper husbands. I speak as a man. And I sometime wonder if I am putting in as much as my wife does. But I DO NOT demand it. Couples can learn to work together without being coaxed into it. When marriage is like friendship problems like money and other issues are easier to manage.

Totfulguy, if you keep making posts like these, one of 3 things will happen:

1. awon NL association of male wailers will. start saying you are a lesbian or a female posting under a man's moniker

2. awon NL association of male wailers will ignore you and pretend as if you don't exist, because you are daring to say that women should be treated decently

3. some young men and women will learn.

I'm glad you're a traditional guy saying this. I believe a man and woman should do their best to support each other. There is actually no shame in being a Stay at Home Wife, your contributions truly surpass finances. If you make a good selection of a spouse, you won't be scared to tell him how much you earn, you won't be afraid to put joint properties and accounts in her name.

Onegai:
Totfulguy, if you keep making posts like these, one of 3 things will happen:

1. awon NL association of male wailers will. start saying you are a lesbian or a female posting under a man's moniker

2. awon NL association of male wailers will ignore you and pretend as if you don't exist, because you are daring to say that women should be treated decently

3. some young men and women will learn.

I'm glad you're a traditional guy saying this. I believe a man and woman should do their best to support each other. There is actually no shame in being a Stay at Home Wife, your contributions truly surpass finances. If you make a good selection of a spouse, you won't be scared to tell him how much you earn, you won't be afraid to put joint properties and accounts in her name.

Onegal you are right about my traditional views of marriage and I feel strongly about the need for unity on all fronts in the running of a home. I however detest the arrogance of men who feel it's their right to Lord over their wives income or else the marriage ends. Or who feel there is no love because a woman won't spill everything about their income. Am also against a thoughtless non-support on the part of a woman who can help. I remember that my mum used to have reserves of some change that came in handy whenever there was need to make up for what my dad gave for home keeping. My father NEVER nosed on my mums income. He knew she had some funds but that was it. He did what he had to do when he had to do it. When my dad was hit with tough times, my mum whom my dad trained through teachers training college, stood up to fill the gap for years. My dad did not ask her to disclose her income. He'd never he is a proud man. He sought other jobs and finally got one. And then he continued his role. That's what it should be. Men are not Dukes or slaves. Women are not Duchess or slaves in the home. And no am not a woman posting as a man.

Totfulguy:


Onegal you are right about my traditional views of marriage and I feel strongly about the need for unity on all fronts in the running of a home. I however detest the arrogance of men who feel it's their right to Lord over their wives income or else the marriage ends. Or who feel there is no love because a woman won't spill everything about their income. Am also against a thoughtless non-support on the part of a woman who can help. I remember that my mum used to have reserves of some change that came in handy whenever there was need to make up for what my dad gave for home keeping. My father NEVER nosed on my mums income. He knew she had some funds but that was it. He did what he had to do when he had to do it. When my dad was hit with tough times, my mum whom my dad trained through teachers training college, stood up to fill the gap for years. My dad did not ask her to disclose her income. He'd never he is a proud man. He sought other jobs and finally got one. And then he continued his role. That's what it should be. Men are not Dukes or slaves. Women are not Duchess or slaves in the home. And no am not a woman posting as a man.

I agree with you mostly, I am also an advocate of couples planning their finances because finances make up 70% of marital conflicts. There are so many things to be done.

Rent
Light
Generator maintenance
Food
Clothes
Water
Fees
Hospital bills
Baby expenses
Etc

Men must not carry this burden alone.

Sadly yesterday on a blog I was reading about wedding preparations as regards to budget and women were there boasting about getting men who must take care of 95% of the wedding expenses, that makes me sad. And those same women with traditional values will want modern men who will act romantic and be less chauvinistic
It's give and take. Both genders need to work to make a marriage work. First step is knowing that marriage os a joint effort and should be built of honesty, cooperation absence of schemes games and pride.

Young people will be concentrating on too many other factors ; can she cook? Is she submissive? Does she use both knees to greet my mother, etc when they finally marry and bills stare them in the face with total unpreparedness they start fighting suddenly cooking and cleaning is no longer enough.

I am an advocate of proper and thorough planning not " God will provide " " we are hoping on God" imagine someone whose fiancee was earning 50k she made him took a bank loan for big wedding payment spread in 2 years. She got pregnant even though his plan for them was a more long term arrangement he now had to rush to do a wedding. I had advised a simple court wedding and church blessing but bride said it was bad belle
After every deduction they are left with 25k and the two silly unplanning people went ahead and got pregnant. They now have three mouths and 25k. They fight everyday. The woman doesn't or cannot see what the problem is she always starts her lamentation with " I cook and clean, I stay in shape" bla bla bla to her she has done her own role and so she doesn't understand why he should be angry and upset. The man is tired and frustrated, he is honestly trying his best, even doing odd jobs to add to his income but the woman is now a specialist is begging on blogs after exhausting good will from friends. Now she is nagging the man about getting pregnant again. It is sad really.
Just giving this real example so we can understand the gravity of the situation with a lot of families where there is no initial financial planning

Different strokes for different folks...

We're so open with our finances. . I know everything about his money ranging from pay slips, atm details, to online and mobile banking details!
He also knows mine too....

Knowing our capacity helps us manage our finance/expenses better. ....