I saw a thread on shocking divorce storries and my cousin story came to my mind. I have been an ardent of visitor of nairaland. I just registered because of serious issue between my cousin and his wife.
Although I have just known his wife for some time but I feel she is a cool lady. I feel for her because she has gone through series of miscarriages. And she just wanted the affection of her hubby. I spoke to her when they came down this xmas.
My cousin was actually cheating on her which he didn't deny and he also didn't deny he didn't give her that affection that is her conjugal right.

This said cousin all of a sudden decided to end their one and half year marriage because he is in love with another lady he recently met. He feels he will be happy with the new lady than his lawful wedded wife.
When asked why he wanted to end It all, he brought up issues that are normal in the first year if marriage. Everyone of us told him that marriage in the first year is usually like that and with understanding and patience, u get to know your spouse well

Although the wife didn't deny the things he said she did, she said she did something's desperately when her husband started staying away weekends like some stunt to get his attention back to her. And the insults she reared at him was because he too is verbally insultive. She has been begging for his forgiveness, has cried and even our relatives have been involved. Even the priest. Yet he is still insisting on disolving the marriage for a new lady he just met and is yet to totally know the new lady. I believe it is only sweet at the beginning of every relationship. I never knew my cousin to have a strong heart like this
All these is really affecting his mother. She could all of the blues start crying.

We don't know who else to involve to change my cousin's mind. Pls advice as they have been separated for 3weeks now. To me i feel the separation will make things worse as he has more time now with the new lady and would be adjusting back to bachelor life. No one wants to see this marriage crumble. I forgot the lady is beautiful, a good cook, very clean and down to earth. Please if need be advice the both couple as they may be opportuned to see this thread and advice we the family members on what step to take to avoid this.

E

Ur cousin should trade cautiously and be patient with the wife.
Elder brother had /still having same issue but still with the family. Maybe b/c they've got 2 lovely kids.
From my 9 months experience as a married man, it's bn fun and lovely, but of course with ALL the challenges.
Marriage is for patient and MATURE MINDS.

I swear, for d patient only.

...how timely.

The grass always appears greener. Your cousin was never ready for the mantle of husband. He did a very poor job, was selfish and short-sighted, and an adulterer to boot.

If he persists, he will repeat what he has already inflicted on one undeserving lady - and possibly worse. His best bet is to fix up within the union he is already in. But it soesn't sound like he will hear it.

It's not advice he needs, it's a good smack & then sanctions


TV
^{...Enlightenedsoul...how's about?}

Let her give him what he wants, she can't continue begging to be loved.

God save us from karashika inform of men. 1.5 years of marriage. hmmmm. Am scared oh.

Tell the girl to start the divorce proceedings. She will die if your cousin initiate it first. Tell her to stop begging and gather enough evidence to present to whomever cares to ask. Let her not back down now, no amount of prayer and pleading will reset your cousin's brain cell. The would be ex wife should be proactive now and get this nightmare behind her....now.

Do they have kids? If not the girl should go her way

Why would you have to beg someone to stay with you

How long would she continue to beg

You guys should let the girl go. She deserves better.

Adaobi12:
God save us from karashika inform of men. 1.5 years of marriage. hmmmm. Am scared oh.

@bold, why?

TheArchangel:
Tell the girl to start the divorce proceedings. She will die if your cousin initiate it first. Tell her to stop begging and gather enough evidence to present to whomever cares to ask. Let her not back down now, no amount of prayer and pleading will reset your cousin's brain cell. The would be ex wife should be proactive now and get this nightmare behind her....now.

@bold, how?

Graceland1:
You guys should let the girl go. She deserves better.

@bold, u can't be too sure.....

johnson232:

@bold, why?

the rate at which marriages are crashing these days is scary, imagine a 1.5 year old marriage, the man is alredy tired of the wife.

johnson232:

@bold, how?

maybe heartbreak, depression, suicidal ideation from guilt she may feel for being a failure or for being rejected...and many more

Some few years before I got married, I had the opportunity to listen to a divorcee who advised me on marriage. One thing that kept ringing in my head was that he wouldnt have divorced his wife if he had been a little more matured.

Your cousin is a little bit childish. No matter the advice, he would go head to satisfy his desire.

Ask the wife what she wants and advise her on that basis.

Never and never tell her to initiate divorce unless it comes from her.

Courting, dating for many years does not guarantee a successful marriage. I have known him for so so and so so years does not guarantee either. I know her very well like my right palm does not guarantee a successful marriage. Do you know what guarantees it? when you marry the right person. That is all. The right person will be selfless and dedicated. How can you beg someone that as already made up his mind? hope he doesn't regret his actions in future because that will be a tale of had I known

No amount of begging will restore his senses till he damaged something he cherished. My experience has taught me to always give people breakup once their minds are madeup.
The lady should give him the divorce and believe me that the man will one day look for her.

TV01:
...how timely.

The grass always appears greener. Your cousin was never ready for the mantle of husband. He did a very poor job, was selfish and short-sighted, and an adulterer to boot.

If he persists, he will repeat what he has already inflicted on one undeserving lady - and possibly worse. His best bet is to fix up within the union he is already in. But it soesn't sound like he will hear it.

It's not advice he needs, it's a good smack & then sanctions


TV
^{...Enlightenedsoul...how's about?}

You know what, sometimes the grass is greener on the other side. In fact, these folks, like plenty other folks out there have no "grass" to speak of. Know what else they don't have, unlike plenty other folks out there? Strings.

I see a maltreated woman with no self-respect dragging herself on the ground hanging onto the coattails of man who doesn't see her. Blinded by love perhaps, or the trauma of a series of miscarriages he hasn't noticed, or the ever useless hope for change?

How's about you go ahead and give the guy the "good smack" and I'll take the woman? But no, you'd rather force-"meld" them together like the situation isn't toxic, like they aren't sentient beings, humans with thoughts and emotions.

mostyg:
Some few years before I got married, I had the opportunity to listen to a divorcee who advised me on marriage. One thing that kept ringing in my head was that he wouldnt have divorced his wife if he had been a little more matured.

Your cousin is a little bit childish. No matter the advice, he would go head to satisfy his desire.

Ask the wife what she wants and advise her on that basis.

Never and never tell her to initiate divorce unless it comes from her.

You are right. Marriage is for the matured minds.

byvan03:
Let her give him what he wants, she can't continue begging to be loved.

Abi?

Before we hear husband kills wife

Even the Bible says if an unbelieving spouse wants to leave, let them leave.

EnlightenedSoul:


I see a maltreated woman with no self-respect dragging herself on the ground hanging onto the coattails of man who doesn't see her. Blinded by love perhaps, or the trauma of a series of miscarriages he hasn't noticed, or the ever useless hope for change?

How's about you go ahead and give the guy the "good smack" and I'll take the woman? But no, you'd rather force-"meld" them together like the situation isn't toxic, like they aren't sentient beings, humans with thoughts and emotions.

Even if the woman leaves, it won't be easy on her because of the type of society we live in. They will put the whole blame on her forgetting that a marriage crashed cos both parties were part of it. Already our relatives are blaming her that she wasn't patient and are saying all sorts about her. I feel for her. We don't want the marriage to crash. It has happened before in the family and now this. But i somehow would blame her and somehow would not blame her because my cousin kept on telling her he didn't love her. But she didn't have the patience to make her husband love her instead according to him she kept asking him why did he marry her when the love wasn't there and she can't continue to live like that. No family members wants the marriage to end

bukatyne:


Abi?

Before we hear husband kills wife

Even the Bible says if an unbelieving spouse wants to leave, let them leave.

Yes nah, there are situations you don't use "please ". You can't reason with someone that has already checked out completely. It's better to save what is left of your ego and let go.

Riderboy:



Even if the woman leaves, it won't be easy on her because of the type of society we live in. They will put the whole blame on her forgetting that a marriage crashed cos both parties were part of it. Already our relatives are blaming her that she wasn't patient and are saying all sorts about her. I feel for her. We don't want the marriage to crash. It has happened before in the family and now this. But i somehow would blame her and somehow would not blame her because my cousin kept on telling her he didn't love her. But she didn't have the patience to make her husband love her instead according to him she kept asking him why did he marry her when the love wasn't there and she can't continue to live like that. No family members wants the marriage to end

You blame her for his ways and the fact that he does not love her and wants to marry another, which is not only extremely irrational, but something all the patience in the world couldn't fix.

Where is the woman's family in this? Does she have no one at all with her best interests at heart? Because, your family clearly does not. You have to understand that this isn't something your family can force. And if you do somehow succeed in applying a wet Bandaid, you should plan to be forcing it for the rest of your lives as the stakes grow higher and the exploits and arguments come to a screeching crescendo wheb children enter the picture. Best of luck...

Is there no one around the girl that can advice her to move on and love herself instead?
You self OP, The man said he didn't and doesn't love her and somehow that's her fault because she didn't have the patience to make him love her.

How we manage to churn out more and more women with no sense of self esteem and totally crushed self worth never ceases to amaze me.

So what's she begging to stay for now? The community d1ck that he's sharing with his mistress who probably has an alhaji boyfriend with 5 wives.

Sooner or later, the man will also dump his new ch!ck..

He's just a sicko.... when he realises himself later in life, it maybe too late..

Let the girl move on please. .

The marriage has already crashed naaa... abi the man boldly admitted to committing adultery?

The woman should brace up to the sad reality that her husband doesn't love her and move on with her life.

Of course the society and family would blame the woman for the failed marriage but as long as she maintains her dignity, it will pass.

She no get family wey go support her?

EnlightenedSoul:
You know what, sometimes the grass is greener on the other side. In fact, these folks, like plenty other folks out there have no "grass" to speak of. Know what else they don't have, unlike plenty other folks out there? Strings.

Indeed, sometimes it may actually be greener. Does that mean that everytime it appears so, people should change pastures? Or that attention to ones own pasture can't make it greener?

EnlightenedSoul:
I see a maltreated woman with no self-respect dragging herself on the ground hanging onto the coattails of man who doesn't see her. Blinded by love perhaps, or the trauma of a series of miscarriages he hasn't noticed, or the ever useless hope for change?

You have well seen - I can't gainsay this...

EnlightenedSoul:
How's about you go ahead and give the guy the "good smack" and I'll take the woman? But no, you'd rather force-"meld" them together like the situation isn't toxic, like they aren't sentient beings, humans with thoughts and emotions.

...but here, as in your opener, I can and will;

Sentient meaning what exactly? Where they not sentient prior to marriage? And is the man willing to maltreat and abandon his wife, still not sentient? Or the woman that accepts it? And how about the other woman willing to take on a man who has evidentially maltreated his wife as a "sloppy seconds" husband?

I didn't meld them, they melded themselves. And the melding had a specific reason and essence, which is not forced on anyone. I would that they conduct themselves in a way that honours each other and that melding. As in all liklihood, any other melding will likely meet same or worse fate, leaving a trail of traumatised" pre-, post and ex-melders .

And marriage is not toxic, people are. And according to you, he should face no consequences for his toxic behaviour. First adultery, then divorce and abandonment.

Societal restraints and sanctions on family - and particularly marriage - issues were for the good of the whole. And beneftited women and children the most.

Let those who champion no restraint, no consequence, and fenceless pastures in pursuit of "feelings" and "happiness" fully appreciate that its'women that will suffer the most.


TV

byvan03:



Yes nah, there are situations you don't use "please ". You can't reason with someone that has already checked out completely. It's better to save what is left of your ego and let go.

It is well