laraoge:

@mindfullness thank you for d advice.I forgot to mention how good I am criticism too.he's a very wonderful person, nonjudgmental,understanding , a rare breed, and a smartie too...he's all of that and many more.but he gets angry over minute things.

How can someone be understanding and yet get angry every now and then over minute things?
It's good you say he's reading this thread.He needs to work on himself.He has to know it can't always be his own way in a relationship.

YourCoffin:


Na. Don't argue much. Most times I just keep quiet and do my mind after. When I do argue, I'm passionate about it. The tone though was used here for a purpose.

I think Mindfulness has elaborated on what I was trying to pass across. Frequent arguements are actuall healthy. At least from my own point of view. It's how constitutions are born, reviewed and maintained. It how great ideas are examined, even down to the smallest details. It's through such arguments that one gets an immense sense of clarity on things. You might not know it but one little argument on something trivial today can influence one's perspective on something important tomorrow.

The problem arises from the method used, which is why I have a problem with your mention of 'spiritual' because that standpoint rarely deals with facts and for arguments to have positive outcomes they need examination of facts. For instance, you mentioned he has started saying sorry to you. Now compare the method you used to get him to do that to the one used on choosing the name of your kids. I'm pretty sure you didn't go spriritual on that one. You might have told him: this is what happens if you don't say sorry often and he got you because he saw the facts in what you said. Not the mumbo jumbo on destiny, which strays far away from realism.

Smart people are stubborn but also very quick to learn. They can't learn if they don't argue. Your guy learns by arguing. I can't say the same of you though. If what you're saying isn't clear to him, he will dump it as fast you dump a hot pot.

I'm tired of typing jare. Thankwhoever that sleep has finally come. Just tweak the way you argue and you guys will be fine.

You have raised a very interesting point here, which I have also came to understand some time ago and that is that differing opinions have the potential to give birth to something new that could be of great value.

The point is that people, not only in romantic relationships, do not know how to handle differences and how to respect and appreciate diversity, which is at the basis of this beautiful world.

It is through conflict that we can learn peace. It is through controversy that we can learn agreement. And it is through differences that we find similarities.

thorpido:
How can someone be understanding and yet get angry every now and then over minute things?
It's good you say he's reading this thread.He needs to work on himself.He has to know it can't always be his own way in a relationship.

Thank you o my brother....gets angry over every Lil thing...always want to have his way.he's reading tho.

laraoge:
Please House, I am curious as well as confused to know how much of arguments is too much to be called healthy in a relationship.Am talking about arguing on trivial issues based on individual differences.I hope to get Mature Advice from relationship experts and married ones in the house.please help a troubled soul..

Raised in a home filled with boys so I'm familiar with any type of argument. Witnessed my oldest brother argue for 10hrs straight.
Took similar conditioned behaviour with me to my matrimonial home and argued with hubby who will wasn't ready to throw in the towel in any argument because he's a leader growing up too. ... it dawned on me after couple years in that this is not the kinda life I envisaged so I stopped. It wastes enormous of your valuable time, consumes energy and you go to bed angry. so where's the gain? No good comes out of it.

And guess what, only a mad person argues alone with themselves ... Cookoo

So my dear, anytime an argument starts to brew.. Walk into the kitchen , make peppersoup or suya , open a wine and turn up the music or a good movie-for Two. He'll get the message and shut it.

You're not stûpid, you just want peace.

****

How much of an Argument? Zero if you can.

@Yourcoffin thanks for taking out time to put that up there.I appreciate it@mindfullness,yea, varieties spice up living.
@ewuro glad u have that experience and u willfully shared it.
But all pls, help take a long look at this excerpt:
Partner was away from lag to a function that he had to sleep over. In the room, he is d eldest.

Me: hey boo, ow u dis evening
Partner: am fine,u?
Me: great here too
(Now I could hear loud music playing on the background)
Me: oh there's a loud music playing there.are u the one?
Partner: yes I am.
Me: but its disturbing the call
Partner: u know this is a public place o.u shouldn't be complaining if u ain't cool with it u hang up
Me: Did u say all that before ur younger ones?
Partner: you know already, why u asking?
I was enraged, I had to disconnect d call.
Then we switched to chats.he made a lot of complaints and we started to argue he said all sorts.he finally left d chat in anger.

Pls, was there any kind of over reaction on my part? Do I have to walk on egg shells in communicating with him?

Bashings are welcome here,just need to tweak whatever is wrong to right.

laraoge:
@Yourcoffin thanks for taking out time to put that up there.I appreciate it@mindfullness,yea, varieties spice up living.
@ewuro glad u have that experience and u willfully shared it.
But all pls, help take a long look at this excerpt:
Partner was away from lag to a function that he had to sleep over. In the room, he is d eldest.

Me: hey boo, ow u dis evening
Partner: am fine,u?
Me: great here too
(Now I could hear loud music playing on the background)
Me: oh there's a loud music playing there.are u the one?
Partner: yes I am.
Me: but its disturbing the call
Partner: u know this is a public place o.u shouldn't be complaining if u ain't cool with it u hang up
Me: Did u say all that before ur younger ones?
Partner: you know already, why u asking?
I was enraged, I had to disconnect d call.
Then we switched to chats.he made a lot of complaints and we started to argue he said all sorts.he finally left d chat in anger.

Pls, was there any kind of over reaction on my part? Do I have to walk on egg shells in communicating with him?

Bashings are welcome here,just need to tweak whatever is wrong to right.

Your fiance has a hot head and I hope he's willing to work on it.
Did he apologise after this incident?

laraoge:

But all pls, help take a long look at this excerpt:
Partner was away from lag to a function that he had to sleep over. In the room, he is d eldest.

Me: hey boo, ow u dis evening
Partner: am fine,u?
Me: great here too
(Now I could hear loud music playing on the background)
Me: oh there's a loud music playing there.are u the one?
Partner: yes I am.
Me: but its disturbing the call
Partner: u know this is a public place o.u shouldn't be complaining if u ain't cool with it u hang up
Me: Did u say all that before ur younger ones?
Partner: you know already, why u asking?
I was enraged, I had to disconnect d call.
Then we switched to chats.he made a lot of complaints and we started to argue he said all sorts.he finally left d chat in anger.

Pls, was there any kind of over reaction on my part? Do I have to walk on egg shells in communicating with him?
Bashings are welcome here,just need to tweak whatever is wrong to right.

This is not good at all, not good..
I'm sorry op but people like this hardly change and when they do it will take a lot of patience on your side and Ewuro's method (zero arguing)..
I hope he wont oneday turn into a wife beater..
But since you said he is willing to work on it, then that's a good sign..

laraoge:
@Yourcoffin thanks for taking out time to put that up there.I appreciate it@mindfullness,yea, varieties spice up living.
@ewuro glad u have that experience and u willfully shared it.
But all pls, help take a long look at this excerpt:
Partner was away from lag to a function that he had to sleep over. In the room, he is d eldest.

Me: hey boo, ow u dis evening
Partner: am fine,u?
Me: great here too
(Now I could hear loud music playing on the background)
Me: oh there's a loud music playing there.are u the one?
Partner: yes I am.
Me: but its disturbing the call
Partner: u know this is a public place o.u shouldn't be complaining if u ain't cool with it u hang up
Me: Did u say all that before ur younger ones?
Partner: you know already, why u asking?
I was enraged, I had to disconnect d call.
Then we switched to chats.he made a lot of complaints and we started to argue he said all sorts.he finally left d chat in anger.

Pls, was there any kind of over reaction on my part? Do I have to walk on egg shells in communicating with him?

Bashings are welcome here,just need to tweak whatever is wrong to right.

Not my place to blame anyone but you married an obnoxious man(this is not uncommon in men).

You need to sit with him and have the talk. start over-on a clean slate. That's how it starts, before you know it, you're tagged a nag and he starts to snap at you every time you question his behaviour. (Which is already happening )

Out of curiosity, why do you care who's listens to his responses to you, why do you care bikonu? You sef too like wahala.

Ewuro4:


Not my place to blame anyone but you married an obnoxious man(this is not uncommon in men).

You need to sit with him and have the talk. start over-on a clean slate. That's how it starts, before you know it, you're tagged a nag and he starts to snap at you every time you question his behaviour. (Which is already happening )

Out of curiosity, why do you care who's listens to his responses to you, why do you care bikonu? You sef too like wahala.

@bold....

Ewuro what do u mean by the emboldened?

johnson232:

@bold....

Ewuro what do u mean by the emboldened?

Lol ... I'm talking about that 'superiority' complex. Even when it's obvious he's losing an argument or at fault. (Imagine his response 'you know this is a public place blah blah' instead of simple 'sorry baby lemme call you later')

Though they will concede between the sheets.

Yoruba calls it 'egun ori'

I lie?

But there's solution to every problem...

laraoge:
@Yourcoffin thanks for taking out time to put that up there.I appreciate it@mindfullness,yea, varieties spice up living.
@ewuro glad u have that experience and u willfully shared it.
But all pls, help take a long look at this excerpt:
Partner was away from lag to a function that he had to sleep over. In the room, he is d eldest.

Me: hey boo, ow u dis evening
Partner: am fine,u?
Me: great here too
(Now I could hear loud music playing on the background)
Me: oh there's a loud music playing there.are u the one?
Partner: yes I am.
Me: but its disturbing the call
Partner: u know this is a public place o.u shouldn't be complaining if u ain't cool with it u hang up
Me: Did u say all that before ur younger ones?
Partner: you know already, why u asking?
I was enraged, I had to disconnect d call.
Then we switched to chats.he made a lot of complaints and we started to argue he said all sorts.he finally left d chat in anger.

Pls, was there any kind of over reaction on my part? Do I have to walk on egg shells in communicating with him?

Bashings are welcome here,just need to tweak whatever is wrong to right.

I really don't know what to say but the way he replied about the loud music is very disrespectful. Though it might be as a result of what has happened earlier(may be he is not happy with you or something).
But you too sef dey para. When you see that the is not in the mood to talk to you, the best thing you should have done is to switch off your phone.
My advice is whenever the argument is about starting just shut it and leave the scene. Most times keeping quiet is one of the best ways to get your message across.

Ewuro4:


Lol ... I'm talking about that 'superiority' complex. Even when it's obvious he's losing an argument or at fault. (Imagine his response 'you know this is a public place blah blah' instead of simple 'sorry baby lemme call you later')

Though they will concede between the sheets.

Yoruba calls it 'egun ori'

I lie?

But there's solution to every problem...

u got a point...


but it doesn't apply to all men... that makes it uncommon in men...

@ewuro and johnson thanks for d comments. I am a very sensitive person in discussions. when u sneer at me when talking even over the phone I know.
He was actually not d one playing d music. He just answered in a way Yoruba people call 'Eda oro' dunno if u get that.i.e he wasn't d one playing it.
I was the one that said sorry at last. Imagine that! He said he didn't do anything wrong..Dunno how to manage this kind of attitude o.

laraoge:
I am a very sensitive person in discussions. when u sneer at me when talking even over the phone I know.
He was actually not d one playing d music. He just answered in a way Yoruba people call 'Eda oro' dunno if u get that.i.e he wasn't d one playing it.
I was the one that said sorry at last. Imagine that! He said he didn't do anything wrong..Dunno how to manage this kind of attitude o.

Ewuro4:


Not my place to blame anyone but you are getting married to an obnoxious man (this is not uncommon in men).

You need to sit with him and have the talk. start over-on a clean slate. That's how it starts, before you know it, you're tagged a nag and he starts to snap at you every time you question his behaviour. (Which is already happening )

Think deeply about Ewuro's words.Pay attention to the bolded.
People like this hardly change.Ask yourself if you can live with it.

thorpido:
Think deeply about Ewuro's words.Pay attention to the bolded.
People like this hardly change.Ask yourself if you can live with it.

Sad but true. Always defensive and never wrong. They hardly change.

Laraoge... Please don't give up. Just start over and make some changes. It's sad many women walk on egg shells in their supposed happy home.
But let me tell you something, you don't have to walk on egg shells, you can be happy and still tolerate him without indulging him, just start over & change the game plan. It's called sacrifice, provided he's worth it.

johnson232:

u got a point...


but it doesn't apply to all men... that makes it uncommon in men...

*pats his head* yeah yeah

Ewuro4:


*pats his head* yeah yeah

u should have pat me on the back....

thorpido:
Think deeply about Ewuro's words.Pay attention to the bolded.
People like this hardly change.Ask yourself if you can live with it.

@bold u cant be too sure...
anyone can be changed easily, depending on the redeeming features adopted...

laraoge:
@ewuro and johnson thanks for d comments. I am a very sensitive person in discussions. when u sneer at me when talking even over the phone I know.
He was actually not d one playing d music. He just answered in a way Yoruba people call 'Eda oro' dunno if u get that.i.e he wasn't d one playing it.
I was the one that said sorry at last. Imagine that! He said he didn't do anything wrong..Dunno how to manage this kind of attitude o.

@bold... women and sorry...

but u really need to be able to read your man's mood...
this is a non issue, i am sure your man was in a bad mood...

johnson232:

@bold u cant be too sure...
anyone can be changed easily, depending on the redeeming features adopted...

Changed easily?I doubt that.
Do you know what it means growing up and not saying sorry to anyone?
Growing up and not able to accept being wrong?Always seeing yourself as right or having a superior argument always?People like that may change but hardly.

johnson232:

u should have pat me on the back....

Oh my bad

Jokes aside buddy, A simple 'sorry' can safe a life in any relationship. 'Sorry' averts life changing situations (e.g divorce, and longterm effect on children ). Some men think it's an act of weakness hence their obnoxious attitude.

The point is men need women in their lives more therefore they should tuck away their ego & calm the fûck down to nurture what they have so they don't end up alone @old age.

Ewuro4:


Oh my bad

Jokes aside buddy, A simple 'sorry' can safe a life in any relationship. 'Sorry' averts life changing situations (e.g divorce, and longterm effect on children ). Some men think it's an act of weakness hence their obnoxious attitude.

The point is men need women in their lives more therefore they should tuck away their ego & calm the fûck down to nurture what they have so they don't end up alone @old age.

It is like you and I were born from the same womb. A simple sorry goes a long way but have come to realise that to some of our men it is a lot of work.

My dear sister Laraoge, I can relate to what you are going into. I will advise that if you ain't ready to always walk on egg shell in your home, take a walk back.

Your partner seems egocentric and proud. U must tell you it is a wrong combination. He might say sorry now to please you cos u are dating but my dear sister in marriage he may never say it. Get ready to apologise all the time for peace sake, he snaps at you and you will be the one to apologise because the way you asked a question he may not have liked it.

He may be a nice man but a man with anger issues is a no no for me. Anger breeds resentment and resentment leads to bitterness and it can destroy everything u guys have built.

These kind of men are very difficult with that is why I want you to think deeply before you strt this journey. A man's upbringing has 60% role in helping him in his marriage. The remaining 40% is what he is willing to adapt and learn from his partner. So if he isn't willing to learn and adapt. What can you do?

When you guys are married there will be argument cos u guys will have to go to functions together. The simplest thing of how you took extra 5 mins to dress up can be a problem. It is a man that understand the humour part of life that will bring humour into things but of he his always straight. My dear think deeply. It is the duty of both parties to respect each other, but if he always want ro have his way or always rather answer in a harsh tone like the issue of phone call. It is a big issue. Feelings should be respected always. It isn't only women that should respect men, men should do likewise.

My dear think deeply and if you need more advice. I am willing to offer. I am in it and I can give you real time advice. You will bend and bend until you feel so empty. God help you if you don't start to resent him.

They aren't married?

mylove4him:

It is like you and I were born from the same womb. A simple sorry goes a long way but have come to realise that to some of our men it is a lot of work.

I know right? Na wa.

Ewuro4:
They aren't married?




I know right? Na wa.

I know they ain't married but from experience marriage doesn't change this kind of men. Sometimes I just wonder why saying a simple sorry that can even stop world war z is just an issue. Though I have learnt to always forgive ahead. With or without sorry though our human part of it feels we still deserve and I still believe we deserve it.

MEN LEARN HOW TO SAT SORRY PLEASE. THANK YOU IN ADVANCE.

mylove4him:
My dear sister Laraoge, I can relate to what you are going into. I will advise that if you ain't ready to always walk on egg shell in your home, take a walk back.

Your partner seems egocentric and proud. U must tell you it is a wrong combination. He might say sorry now to please you cos u are dating but my dear sister in marriage he may never say it. Get ready to apologise all the time for peace sake, he snaps at you and you will be the one to apologise because the way you asked a question he may not have liked it.


He may be a nice man but a man with anger issues is a no no for me. Anger breeds resentment and resentment leads to bitterness and it can destroy everything u guys have built.

These kind of men are very difficult with that is why I want you to think deeply before you strt this journey. A man's upbringing has 60% role in helping him in his marriage. The remaining 40% is what he is willing to adapt and learn from his partner. So if he isn't willing to learn and adapt. What can you do?

When you guys are married there will be argument cos u guys will have to go to functions together. The simplest thing of how you took extra 5 mins to dress up can be a problem. It is a man that understand the humour part of life that will bring humour into things but of he his always straight. My dear think deeply. It is the duty of both parties to respect each other, but if he always want ro have his way or always rather answer in a harsh tone like the issue of phone call. It is a big issue. Feelings should be respected always. It isn't only women that should respect men, men should do likewise.

My dear think deeply and if you need more advice. I am willing to offer. I am in it and I can give you real time advice. You will bend and bend until you feel so empty. God help you if you don't start to resent him.

A billion likes for you babes....am just so scared of what am picturing if we get married.Being married to him means forever living with an egocentric and proud kind of man which I am the opposite of.dunno ow he could change that cos aside the anger issues he's got, he's wonderful.where one is coming from (upbringin) really play a larger percentage in forming a person's attitude to life and issues.I'd really like to learn more from u o cos I can't enter one marriage now and start sulking over my man's inability ti say the simplest SORRY to me.

laraoge:

A billion likes for you babes....am just so scared of what am picturing if we get married.Being married to him means forever living with an egocentric and proud kind of man which I am the opposite of.dunno ow he could change that cos aside the anger issues he's got, he's wonderful.where one is coming from (upbringin) really play a larger percentage in forming a person's attitude to life and issues.I'd really like to learn more from u o cos I can't enter one marriage now and start sulking over my man's inability ti say the simplest SORRY to me.

Dear ain't trying to scare you but he might or might not change. Saying sorry in a relationship is very important. It's diffuse feelings of hurt, but how do u handle wen one partner doesn't say sorry. Like Ewuro4 said, you have to always be the one to say sorry. How do u intend to always do it? I must tell u resentment will come n you will feel empty. These kind of men like your partner have issues with tone. They will interpret everything they say or do, to the way they are or the way they were brought up. For God sake if you want to remain the way you are stay unmarried. You can't want to stay married without changing somethings in your life.

Babe this thing is broad, send me a PM

johnson232:

@bold u cant be too sure...
anyone can be changed easily, depending on the redeeming features adopted...

Yea, true. But it is one thing for there to be the possibility of someone changing, and it is another for someone else to stake their happiness on that possibility. I for one wouldn't do that.

Consequently, I think it is only advisable to marry someone whom we are convinced we can live with happily AS THEY ARE. No, not as they may become. But AS THEY ARE. This means, we should be able to tell ourselves "if he/she doesn't change a thing about himself/herself, I would still have a happy married life with them." Only when we can honestly say this, should we take that big step with them.

The choice is always ours.

Ewuro4:


Oh my bad

Jokes aside buddy, A simple 'sorry' can safe a life in any relationship. 'Sorry' averts life changing situations (e.g divorce, and longterm effect on children ). Some men think it's an act of weakness hence their obnoxious attitude.

The point is men need women in their lives more therefore they should tuck away their ego & calm the fûck down to nurture what they have so they don't end up alone @old age.

u really do have a great sense of humour...
@first bold... fantastically true...
but to posit men think it is weakness to say sorry is baseless and spurious...
most women demand the word "sorry" for rationale not proportioned, and not all men have the luxury of tendering unwarranted apologies... some men do it for peace, but it doesn't make it justifiable. so, it in most cases got nothing to do with ego as studiously perceived by women, but the use of words frugally by men...

@ second bold, why do u postulate men need women more... do u mind sharing your reasons...

Gaborone:


Yea, true. But it is one thing for there to be the possibility of someone changing, and it is another for someone else to stake their happiness on that possibility. I for one wouldn't do that.

Consequently, I think it is only advisable to marry someone whom we are convinced we can live with happily AS THEY ARE. No, not as they may become. But AS THEY ARE. This means, we should be able to tell ourselves "if he/she doesn't change a thing about himself/herself, I would still have a happy married life with them." Only when we can honestly say this, should we take that big step with them.

The choice is always ours.

i get your point...
but humans are unpredictable... because most people don't always remain as they are, especially after marriage... applying your suggestion will go a long way in reducing marital crises though..

johnson232:

u really do have a great sense of humour...
@first bold... fantastically true...
but to posit men think it is weakness to say sorry is baseless and spurious...
most women demand the word "sorry" for rationale not proportioned, and not all men have the luxury of tendering unwarranted apologies... some men do it for peace, but it doesn't make it justifiable. so, it in most cases got nothing to do with ego as studiously perceived by women, but the use of words frugally by men...

2. @ second bold, why do u postulate men need women more... do u mind sharing your reasons...

Thank you!

It's not baseless, behaviour are seen for what they are through human perception. Yes seem unfair to men , but do a survey, plot a graph and see for yourself.

The point is women are known to endure many many irrational behaviours yet men find it beneath themselves to apologize because its not well proportioned, what does that even mean? You are supposed to be a team, partners, best friends...any 'weakling' gesture should be seen as act of endearment.
If men don't truly view sorry as sign of weakness then saying it shouldn't be seen as a luxury as you implied.

We all do it for peace... and nobody has two heads

2. I know so.. from real life case studies. Go to MMA (for example) and see the #s of traveling mothers vs dads vs both.

Men are more miserable @old age compared to women. It's just plain psychology, men are needy and are prone to depression @old age compared to women. I'll leave it there.

I wonder if I'll ever leave my husband to stay with my kid for a year straight if he hadn't hurt my feelings in the past.... Hmm

Saying sorry won't kill y'all

Lemme concentrate on my game.