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The Employee Handbook by Nobody: 3:16pm On Jun 07, 2016 |
SICK DAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. PERSONAL DAYS Each employee will receive 104 personal days each year. They are called, "Saturday" and "Sunday." VACATION DAYS All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1st , July 4th & December 25th. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE Bereavement is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for your dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done. ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks' notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement. RESTROOM USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:20; employees whose names begin with "B" will go from 8:20 to 8:40; and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict, 3-minute time limit inside the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open. LUNCH BREAK A) Skinny People. Skinny people get 1 hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so they can look healthy. B) Middleweight People. Middleweight people get 30 minutes for lunch, so they can get a balanced meal to maintain their average figures. C) Fat People. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time they need to drink a Slim Fast® & take a diet pill. DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing a pair of $350.00 Prada running shoes & carrying a $600.00 Gucci bag, we will assume that you are doing well financially & therefore do not need a raise. THANK YOU Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. Management - See more at: http://www.atimetolaugh.org/employeehandbook.html#sthash.zRC8PEZZ.dpuf 45 Likes 8 Shares |
Re: The Employee Handbook by Nobody: 3:31pm On Jun 07, 2016 |
Crazyman, lalasticlala 1forall, make una show 6 Likes |
Re: The Employee Handbook by looseweight: 7:05am On Jun 14, 2016 |
Lolzzz... IAMLOOSEWEIGHT 1 Like |
Re: The Employee Handbook by NigerDeltan(m): 7:05am On Jun 14, 2016 |
Resignation Letter I write to resign from my position in your company, pls dont ask me why cos my own company is ready for me to take charge. Tnx Ebele Ebele 28 Likes 1 Share |
Re: The Employee Handbook by Emmanuel950(m): 7:05am On Jun 14, 2016 |
Nice post share... 1 Like |
Re: The Employee Handbook by Emmanuel950(m): 7:06am On Jun 14, 2016 |
Time to get self employed.. 1 Like 1 Share |
Re: The Employee Handbook by verabetsy(f): 7:06am On Jun 14, 2016 |
you might want to read the hilarious story of how I lost my school fees in S.S.1 http://sagaciousguru..com.ng/2016/06/hilarious-true-life-story-of-how-i-lost.html?m=1 |
Re: The Employee Handbook by kossyablaze(m): 7:06am On Jun 14, 2016 |
Lmao dats so mean |
Re: The Employee Handbook by Nobody: 7:07am On Jun 14, 2016 |
Do they give employee handbook to Nigerians working in Nigeria? 3 Likes |
Re: The Employee Handbook by Philomath1212: 7:07am On Jun 14, 2016 |
good piece |
Re: The Employee Handbook by kossyablaze(m): 7:07am On Jun 14, 2016 |
4 Likes |
Re: The Employee Handbook by EternalBeing: 7:07am On Jun 14, 2016 |
Avalon316: Hilarious question from an hilarious NairaLander. |
Re: The Employee Handbook by ANIEXTY(m): 7:08am On Jun 14, 2016 |
Even tomato factory no fit give this kind conditions, Na kii una wan kill am ? 5 Likes
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Re: The Employee Handbook by Dottore: 7:08am On Jun 14, 2016 |
kOk 1 Like |
Re: The Employee Handbook by Princelegacylemoha(m): 7:08am On Jun 14, 2016 |
What's these all about ? 2 Likes 1 Share
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Re: The Employee Handbook by kurajordan(m): 7:09am On Jun 14, 2016 |
Omg |
Re: The Employee Handbook by korel9: 7:09am On Jun 14, 2016 |
This boss must be an APC card holder 4 Likes |
Re: The Employee Handbook by OsoDupe(f): 7:09am On Jun 14, 2016 |
Re: The Employee Handbook by Project400: 7:10am On Jun 14, 2016 |
Re: The Employee Handbook by NigerDeltan(m): 7:11am On Jun 14, 2016 |
kossyablaze: Mttcheeew |
Re: The Employee Handbook by Caseless: 7:11am On Jun 14, 2016 |
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH Huh 1 Like 1 Share |
Re: The Employee Handbook by xpensivNas(m): 7:12am On Jun 14, 2016 |
Cnt stop laughing, dey should hold on to dia job |
Re: The Employee Handbook by Touchey: 7:14am On Jun 14, 2016 |
this is so old |
Re: The Employee Handbook by whitebeard(m): 7:15am On Jun 14, 2016 |
lmao |
Re: The Employee Handbook by wallex1983(m): 7:15am On Jun 14, 2016 |
After all these, Nigerians will still be like....... "I beg to apply" |
Re: The Employee Handbook by pol23: 7:16am On Jun 14, 2016 |
oya na...
let this be Buhari's handbook. |
Re: The Employee Handbook by Bgorgeous: 7:16am On Jun 14, 2016 |
Lol, resignation letter booting |
Re: The Employee Handbook by Nobody: 7:16am On Jun 14, 2016 |
This terms are bearable... This Naija. |
Re: The Employee Handbook by Caseless: 7:17am On Jun 14, 2016 |
Before nko? The employment portal go even crash sef. |
Re: The Employee Handbook by alphaconde(m): 7:18am On Jun 14, 2016 |
PERSONAL DAYS Each employee will receive 104 personal days each year. They are called, "Saturday" and "Sunday." this is the part i like in this organisation, these days some of us work on weekends without a thank you. it is sad 5 Likes |
Re: The Employee Handbook by Auxiliary(m): 7:19am On Jun 14, 2016 |
"ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks' notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement." Now diz part got me ROTFWL! Seriously, diz. Company must be paying like half-a-billion dollars to dere employee! 6 Likes |
Re: The Employee Handbook by DLondonboiy: 7:20am On Jun 14, 2016 |
lol
welcome to hell |
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