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5. TALKATIVES
Communicating, via talking, is one of what makes us unique as humans, but it can quickly turn into one of what makes us veryyyy verry annoying as humans, if not regulated properly.

Not only were some people born to talk you into rage and depression, their brain also, it appears, is missing that vital membrane that tells them when to stop talking. These set of people are so good at what they do that something so irrelevant as an innocent simile, can be all what they just need to give you an insightful look into their grandmother's death..

"You dey smile like my cousin Jack. You and Jack get the same smile I swear. Jack Papa and My Mama na Brother and Sister. Na our Grand mama all dem jack resemble. Dey get the same nose, teeth, mouth and dem even take bow leg still resemble her sef. She don die sha, na old age kill her. As people dey cry for her burial, ah no even bother myself cry cos the woman don too try. Make she go rest abeg".

I have a roommate who, as at the time of this post, is unaware that the whole room is conniving to sell him on OLX as a parrot. The only problem we are facing, however, is convincing the buyer that he's not actually a person per se, but a parrot that looks like one

4..MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKERS
A motivational speaker, according to the dictionary, is somebody suffering from the-same set problems as you, or even worse, but makes little money from telling you how to solve them, because apparently, he cant. In summary, a motivational speaker is somebody that has the solution to every financial problem you can think of, but being the God's gift to earth they happen to be, they would rather not use their own advise because you(the audience) is the most important person in their life. They derive pleasure in telling you how to get rich, while they remain poor.. Awww! So cute.

So you want to tell me the "secret" on how to become an entrepreneur and make plenty money? So, if you use your so called secret take hammer, na bad thing? Abi you are just allergic to wealth?

I was sitting under a mango tree reflecting about my life one hot afternoon, when one, armed with his laptop bag and pitiful long sleeve, came to motivate me. And it worked, because-- just one look at his shoe, I became motivated and started thanking God for the gift of life instead of dwelling on my seemingly little problems when compared to his shoe.

That was how Etisalat, in collaboration with Techno, invited a motivational speaker to my school early this month who kept blabbing using yeye statistics, then ended his talk with Dj Khaled's " Win win never stop", Fred's "Stand-up for the champion" and coca cola's 2010 world cup theme song " when I get older, I will be stronger.. give me freedom just like the waiving flag" then told us to go into the world and be successful.

Thank God for the security at the main auditorium who made it his business to search even innocent-cannot- hurt-a-fly looking students like myself, else I would have kept my catapult busy throughout the show that day.

3. SPIRIKOKO
Spirikoko, as we all know, is a synonym of the well known counterpart, Holy-Holy. But i prefer using spirikoko, because the "ko-ko" there, is a constant reminder of the sound i will want their head to make the day i ll garner enough courage to forcefully ram my knuckles on thier fore-head for reminding me that everything I have been saying & doing , will be used against me on the last day.

After having an encounter with one of them one day, reflected on my lifestyle,then and there, I came to peace with the fact that i will never make heaven. Not only I, but my mother too, I came to understand, according to the bible wielding militant, was never going to make heaven if she continues offending God by wearing earings. My innocent peace loving cousin, that wants the world to become a better place, he explained, was doomed too. God doesn't want to know or cares if she is a good person, all he is concerned about is why she, as a woman, would wear trousers meant for men. I did a quick math, and the result was stunning: nobody in my imidiate & extended family was heaven material. We all offended God one way or the other.
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The militant smiled whenever he gave me scriptural evidence as back- up and I would occasionally smile too, wondering what he ll'd look like all tied-up and beaten for reminding me that heaven wasn't meant for us humans.

These set of people are behind the numerous delusional "I went to heaven. I went to hell" stories you keep hearing these days. These set of people, do Christianity more harm than good.

A typical Spirikoko is holy and you're not. Accept or Die.

2.. OLD SOJA
As a young man who most of the time lives in his head, doesn't like talking much except when in the mood, and occasionally wants to be left alone, I can categorically assure you that old soja would have still made this list if I was to narrow it down to two.

Old Soja is code name for that retired/ jobless elderly person on your street that has sworn to never allow you enjoy your youthful exuberance in Peace. Old soja is not gender specific, but are mostly men. Men especially, that fall within the category of retired Teacher or military personnel.

They'll wake as early as 6:30am, sit on an inherited chair that appears to be what their grandfather forgot to break, wear their favourite half brown- half-white singlet and set for the business of the day. Which is to make sure they find fault in every young person that passes that day.

A young man passes.
"Osagie". He calls out.

Old soja will call you by your father's name just to feel superior. He will also be quick to remind you of how older than your small father he is, if you are slow responding to his call.

" What type of irresponsible hairstyle is this? You've joined cult abi? I don't want to see you with this hair in the evening. I will talk to Osagie your father. And a responsible man should make sure his trouser is at the belly button" .

Having said all, the thing about Old soja that always has me on the edge is their tendency to commit murder-- just greet them without adding "Sir" to find out.

1.. GHOST FROM YOUR PAST
Ahh! Ghost from your past! The mere mention of it alone has me already in a state of nostalgia. A nostalgic feeling that's not necessarily a good or bad one, depending on the victim's understanding of good or bad. Everybody has a past, present & future( well, except for blackberry) but some past are better left in the past especially when it's told from a tongue on a mission.

You are out somewhere in town in the company of friends, and someone calls out randomly "Kwashiokwor". You dont want to turn because your name is not Kwashiokwor, in-short, nobody can be called Kwashiokwor. But out of curiosity you do, and there she is, in all her glory, smiling like a hunter whose trap just caught a prey, mama ejiro your neighbour of 10 yrs ago.

Now, the harsh reality sets in. There was this person called Kwashiokwor 10 yrs ago and that person is you. Your friends are now looking confused, urging you with eye contact to tell this woman your name is not Kwashiokwor. But you know better.

"Eh! Eh! Eh! Mark, na you be this? . The toture session begins.

"See as you don big like paw paw tree. All this small children of now-adays, una dey big like Agric fowl oh".

She holds you by your shoulder,draws you closer and presses your head with full force on her now sagged & weary bosoms almost choking you, all in the name of measuring your height with hers.

"See mark,my small mark of yesterday. Na wa oh". Just then, you wish you could somehow hypnotize this woman after realizing where she's headed and the damage her revelation is going to cause. Mama Ejiro now goes into memory lane while you watch helplessly. She tells your entire life history . At this point, your friends become the audience. She describes how you looked back then: Big belly like a J.p tank, tiny toothpick arms and a mighty head that four dangote trucks will struggle to carry, hence the name -- Kwashiokwor.

Mama Ejiro goes on and on, asks about everyone, including that big ring worm that sat majestically at the top your head that gave all treatments tough time.

You turn back to look at your friends laughing hysterically to the delight of Mama Ejiro. And via eye contact, they assure you that you won't be hearing the last of it for the rest of your life.
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