My husband is nigerian and i am european.  I am the one who talked about it first, as i really enjoyed nigeria when i went there, and I'd love to know his culture better, learn the language and I would of course like our kids to be comfortable in nigeria, and not to feel like strangers there. In terms of jobs, we could both keep working there. I think that living there could be a great experience for us as a family,  But as I only see the good side I am starting to wonder what could be the bad one?

Of course we will take time to think about it and I wish to visit more before taking the step but i'm sure your comments on the situation could help me to get ready.


If you have any idea about how life is/could be for a "white wife" in nigeria, in terms of daily life, social life, family etc.  i'd love to hear about it!

Thanks! 

Miss Ife

Do you have a sister who wants to marry a young, rich, dashing and handsome Nigerian? She needs to email me- ok?

Right, you are one of the few good people out there, being a white wife in Nigeria is very common, the family will welcome you with open and lovely arms- Nigerians do like foreigners, they accord you enough respect, do everything for you, just do good to them in return - ok?

There is nothing bad in living in Nigeria- ignore all the foreign press bashing and bastardising of Nigeria, ignore what Nigerians themselves write about their country Nigeria - those who do so may be bastards, i.e., they may not realy be Nigerians if you look at them properly- so, experience is the best teacher.

However, some of the tings you take for granted in Europ are luxuries here- they are things you may need to pay extra for to enjoy them, your hubby should know what i mean- so, come on, you are welcome. Dont forget to tell your sister to email me anyway.

AjaraEwuro:

Miss Ife

Do you have a sister who wants to marry a young, rich, dashing and handsome Nigerian? She needs to email me- ok?
Right, you are one of the few good people out there, being a white wife in Nigeria is very common, the family will welcome you with open and lovely arms- Nigerians do like foreigners, they accord you enough respect, do everything for you, just do good to them in return - ok?

There is nothing bad in living in Nigeria- ignore all the foreign press bashing and bastardising of Nigeria, ignore what Nigerians themselves write about their country Nigeria - those who do so may be bastards, i.e., they may not realy be Nigerians if you look at them properly- so, experience is the best teacher.

However, some of the tings you take for granted in Europ are luxuries here- they are things you may need to pay extra for to enjoy them, your hubby should know what i mean- so, come on, you are welcome. Dont forget to tell your sister to email me anyway.

gold digger

Liar, Liar, pants on fire.

if you can deal with living with no light, no security, a corrupt government and policemen, no good roads, very bad non-law abiding drivers/citizens and everyone trying to get something out of you (cheat/use you) then nigeria is the perfect place. if you can't then hun i say stay where you are.

I personally will only visit at the moment, maybe relocating in like 20years when nigeria has actually improved.

its a nightmare.

Stay where you are.

@Ife

There is a british women married to nigerians council in Nigeria.
I will look for the contact details and post on NL

@Poster

These are the people I warned you about - they will speak negative about Nigeria and dis courage you not to live there, dont mind them, they are jealous of you - nothing will happen to you. Dont you think it is extremely wierd for someone to speak about the country of their birth that way? Something is surely loose in their head somewhere.

I have travelled many places in worldwide, and each time I fly back home to Nigeria- i see hundreds of Europeans, Americans etc on the same flight heading for Nigeria - are these people killed on arrival? nope- they live, work, interact and life is cool with them. Dont listen to them, nothing will happen to you.

If your marriage is strong and you have a sense of adventure and massive tolerance, do it but please don't ever think it will be an extended holiday - going somewhere for a week's vacation and living there indefinitely are polar opposites.

I have been in Lagos for 6 years. The first year was extremely tough - very hard to find a job plus I was living with my in-laws so you can imagine how intense that was. Stress on the marriage was serious - I went from being an independent person with a great job in the city, my own money, lots of my own friends and my own close family to someone who was totally and utterly dependent on my husband - it was new for both of us. All my new "friends" were his friends and his family. Yes, all were welcoming but I didn't have anyone I could really be myself with or lament about my newfound situation. I was a little bitter too as coming to Nigeria wasn't my idea! I had to do an attitude re-check after a few months as I was never going to settle with the frame of mind I was in.

It’s tough being an outsider, I got (and still often get) a fair bit of attitude from many Nigerian girls - it's water off a duck's back these days but when you're new and insecure - it can really wear you down. Trust me - you and your hubby have to be water-tight. I made a lot of mistakes with friends I made - I just don't have the bullshit radar many people are blessed with and didn't see I was being used by some girls to gain access into a certain social scene and my new BFF was actually screwing my friend's husband and using me as her cover. Oh yes.

It was hard to find a job. I was actually told by an HR professional at a multinational oil company that he had the perfect job for me but actually wouldn't give it to me as the other staff wouldn't trust me as I am white!? I swear. I finally got a door into another such company (through my mother-in-law's friend's friend – that’s how it works here!) and I am still here 5 years later. I am on a local contract and paid in naira – you don’t need the working permit as a Nigerian wife. Working here can be frustrating at times, some staff aren't lucky enough to have as much exposure/education as you and internet/light/IDD are erratic to say the least.

But your quality of life will improve. My husband knew what he was doing when he moved us back. We had only 1 small child back then and I was struggling in London with a hardcore fulltime job, commute, childcare, looking after Nigerian husband (!) and all with no help. I was literally on my knees. Here I have massive support from my extended family and I also have a fab nanny who helps me with my 3 kids. I don't think we would have even had the 3rd if we weren't living here. I get a lot more time to spend with my husband - without the kids - and I am a much happier and carefree mum which I know my kids have benefitted from. Its also priceless that they are so comfortable here and even speak a little yoruba. They will always know where they are from and I feel like their Nigerian culture is more important than their English heritage at this stage in their lives.

Don’t get me wrong – I still hop on a plane and zip to the UK any chance I get! I miss some of the comforts and I miss my family hugely. If you come here with the right frame of mind, realistic expectations and a loving and supportive husband and family, you’ll be just fine. I haven’t got involved in the UK expat scene at all but there is a lovely group called Niger-wives – google them. And be ready to get ill – upset tummies, malaria etc – you’ll toughen up after a while but I was quite pathetic during my first year.

Good luck!!

Thanks all for your replies! 

mrsb, your testimony is exactly what i was looking for. I know that visiting and settling down in a country are two different things. My husband and I are already living in a country very different from ours, and I already gave up many of my european standards. My job allows me to look for another one from where I am, and I wouldn't move without securing a job first, though it would certainly be on a local contract too.

The things that concern me are among those you described: getting cheated by many people (it's something that happened to me a lot here, away from home, and as a result I currently don't have any local friend anymore,  which is very hard to accept), stress on the marriage (his family is great, but we currently live in our own bubble in a foreign country, it might be different when we go to his own home, I know I would be different if we were to go back to europe    ), and maybe other little things that could get on my nerves (internet/telephone/roads etc. not working, these little things can ruin a day).

Anyway,  still thinking about it, I want both of us to be really willing to move before doing so.

Thanks again and keep posting!

Oh, and I don't mean to hurt anybody's feeling but I also got this "attitude" from nigerian girls when I visited. One of my husband's friend's wife never greeted me, she was going to my husbands with smiles and all but I never got a "hello". I was introduced as his wife to an old friend of him (girl), she was quite friendly and I had her on the phone a couple of times after we left nigeria, and few months later, when my husband anounced our baby's birth she asked who was the mother 

I was very upset at first, then my husband explained to me that many people didn't believe in interracial marriages,  I don't know if that explains it all,  but it's kind of tough, when you try to be nice to people, to get such attitudes as an answer 

Miss Ife

Dont care about who answers you when you greet or who greets you - treat them the same way, they will boil inside and run back to you begging to be your friend.

work very hard in Europe or in the USA, build your OWN house or buy it in a good estate - before going! , bring two or three cars down in a good condition and to old, open an account in Nigeria, look for a good school for the kids and make sure you can pay the school fee.

and learn and live the culture - you must be strong and have faith and trust in god - than it is possible

If you can give your kids african names and us them to call you kids

thanks for those advices.

Yes, we use nigerian names for our kids, and my husband speaks yoruba to them. The house/school fees and all the financial aspect as to be planned carefully, that's why I want to go again a few times as a visitor to check a few things. Another point I see that is not clear yet is the time we'd spend there: would we stay "forever" or "for a few years", even though I'd love to experience life in nigeria over a long enough period of time, I might want to go back home, or to move to another place as a grow older,

well, that's another thing to discuss with my hubby

Be prepared for a second wife

Greetings

I do not have a problem with the Nigerian Girls, Wife and Sisters - OK - somethings, they can sure you the cold shoulder

I handel this in this way - E káàrò Ma - Báwo ni? - excuse me - did you not see me?
If this things happen often with the same person, I will report her to my husband, to her husband or to the famliy and tell them how rude this person his and ask if she do not got manners.

And if you have a child - they should call you Iya Bleep or Mummy Bleep, take care this not to my people adress you only by your frist name.

Second wife

The poster will not be the frist and the last - white lady - who could handle this - the first is always the first as long as she do not give in or give out on her sweetheardt - the second is the second - and he has to obey the first one - the first one is the mother of the house.

And number twos - the broom is always ready for you with numer three ;-)

disire:

Be prepared for a second wife

why should she be prepared for a second wife?

disire:

Be prepared for a second wife

as a white married to a nigerian- you hit the nail on the head.

nigerians like women. they act single evenwhen they are married. thy hve "friends" with benifits aftr marriag, buy gifts for the girls that you will not be told even exist. they will flirt with other girl infront of you and then get pissed off if you as a mrried woman are frieds with any single girls cause it not proper

agathamari:

as a white married to a nigerian- you hit the nail on the head.

nigerians like women.  they act single evenwhen they are married.  thy hve "friends" with benifits aftr marriag, buy gifts for the girls that you will not be told even exist.  they will flirt with other girl infront of you and then get pissed off if you as a mrried woman are frieds with any single girls cause it not proper

I think cheating is not something only nigerian men do. Some men do that, in every country. As for my husband, I don't think that would happen (at least no more than a "one mistake" time). We already discussed the "second wife" topic many times, and he doesn't want one. Good thing coz I don't either 

Anyway,  as far as this topic goes, I cannot know the future, I just hope or the best, trust the choice I made when marrying my husband, and if things turn bad,  well, I'd get a second husband 

What kind of a job are you planning on getting over there?
I hope you've done your homework and sort this out before
you go?

I don't think you've been to Nigeria before because you obviously
are taking this whole idea as if you're moving down the road.
I hope you are aware that this is a different country, continent,
culture, way of life, attitude.
I am a half Nigerian born and raised in Europe and could never
live there, even though I love it, not to talk of you, a pure white!!

@Miss Ife
A lot of whats written here is true and not much exagerrated. Nigeria is a country with 150million people and Ive come to observe becasue of our many ethnic groups, if you ask 25 Nigerians a question, you might get 25 different opinions and all of them may not apply, but wont be lies either.

Im Nigerian born and I still dont understand Nigerian men. I wish you well in this big leap. No one can advice you on the future cos you dont even  know what it brings. But DO NOT live off your husband.

Your problem wont be those who dont greet you; it'l be making sure your husband remembers your his wife. When you start to live in nigeria, you will see traits you never saw in him before. Many people dont accept interacial marriages in Nigeria and many girls will flock round him becasue they just wont see you as his wife. Dont ask me why, its just the way some people think. Makesure he understands you wont take it (without seeming jealous). Life is tough enough being a normal nigerian, not to talk of being a foriegner. Dont be scared anyhow. Handle the situation by being independent.

Even if a man is rich and he's doing well, Nigerian men tend to respect their wives ONLY when theyre independent of them. He has to know you dont need to ask him for money for everything you need. They encourgae you to share yours with them, but they keep what they make for themselves and act irritable whenenever you ask for money. Like youre begging.

Make your own money. My father always tells us (my sisters and I) that no man likes liability and love does have common sence. Its very very important. African men expect a woman to climb over the moon to proove their love, but they the men NEVER want to do anything in return for you and they think theyre being married to you and having children should be enough reward for you. Thats how most of them are brought up. Our men are strange, bear that in mind.

All the best.

agathamari:



nigerians like women. they act single evenwhen they are married. thy hve "friends" with benifits aftr marriag, buy gifts for the girls that you will not be told even exist. they will flirt with other girl infront of you and then get pissed off if you as a mrried woman are frieds with any single girls cause it not proper

Total generalisation. Some Nigerian men act married, love being married and would never flirt with or buy gifts for other women in front of or behind their wives backs. Some white men behave as badly as you detailed above. Please don't speak with such authority when you are just making blanket statements.

Rosabelle:


Even if a man is rich and he's doing well, Nigerian men tend to respect their wives ONLY when theyre independent of them. He has to know you dont need to ask him for money for everything you need. They encourgae you to share yours with them, but they keep what they make for themselves and act irritable whenenever you ask for money. Like youre begging.

African men expect a woman to climb over the moon to proove their love, but they the men NEVER want to do anything in return for you and they think theyre being married to you and having children should be enough reward for you. .

Again, I disagree. Why are you portraying all Nigerian men like this?! Either I am married to a total freak of nature who was more affected by his time in the UK than either of us realised - or once again people are feeling comfortable throwing about sweeping generalisations. Sure, any man will respect their wife for being independent and not always asking for bob for petty things - but most men also love to take care of their women and are proud to be able to support them and their kids

@mrsb. Its alright to disagree. I do, like you, know many wonderful men who are respectful and take good care of their wives.
Whether or not they live outside or within nigeria. Im not painting anyone bad. There is just a reality.

Mothers do a shabby work of bringing up their boys in Africa. They make them think they can run wild and free, whilst the girls are brought up thinking they need to spend their lives treating their men as kings and expecting nothing in return.

In the last 10yrs things have changed drastically cos more women are going to school. This is a reality in african and nigeria is no exception.
My brothers wives thank my mum for the work she did bringing them up to cook and clean around the house cos when two of them were expecting their children, my brothers did everything. I am proud of them
1 out of 25 nigerian men are brought up like this.

Our men are 'generally speaking' badly brought up and lacking in finesse.
Your man is an exception, just like my brothers. But I would be blind to now say because the men around me are good, all men are good.

I have wonderful friends who grew up in the states and Europe. 50% of them think like typical nigerians and the other half otherwise.

So please believe me when I tell you I know what Im talking about.

Rosabelle:

@mrsb. Its alright to disagree. I do, like you, know many wonderful men who are respectful and take good care of their wives.
Whether or not they live outside or within nigeria. Im not painting anyone bad. There is just a reality.

Mothers do a shabby work of bringing up their boys in Africa. They make them think they can run wild and free, whilst the girls are brought up thinking they need to spend their lives treating their men as kings and expecting nothing in return.

In the last 10yrs things have changed drastically cos more women are going to school. This is a reality in african and nigeria is no exception.
My brothers wives thank my mum for the work she did bringing them up to cook and clean around the house cos when two of them were expecting their children, my brothers did everything. I am proud of them
1 out of 25 nigerian men are brought up like this.

Our mean are 'generally speaking' badly brought up and lacking in finesse.
Your man is an exception, just like my brothers. But I would be blind to now say because the men around me are good, all men are good.

I have wonderful friends who grew up in the states and Europe. 50% of them think like typical nigerians and the other half otherwise.

So please believe me when I tell you I know what Im talking about.

pretty much the same way 1 in 25 british/american kids is well behaved, (i'm trying hard to think of you as a nigerian but i'm failing o). Yep there are some naija men that dont treat women well but does that give you enough reason to generalise?i happen to know a lot of 'exceptions' as you put it. You were right in saying it has to do with how they were raised but that isnt all there is to it sha!

@mrsb
congrats jo. . .u seem to be doing pretty well. all the best

@mrs ife
mrsb prolly would be the best person to seek advice from, best of luck whatever decisions you take!

lol @ netotse. I am very much a nigerian. 
As I already said, with 150million citizens, youre bound to have a spalting in opinions.
I dont know any american or british kids, and so I have no idea how they behave. Never lived in either countries.
I do however know how nigerian men behave, and though generalisation and stereotyping is not right, with nigerian men, you just cant see the light. Too much rubbish going on.
Believe me man, I know what Im talking about lol

As a white lady and as a step daughter of an nigerian man - I can say - things change very day - my german grandmother told her daughter - my mother - get a good education and make your own money - my grandmother inlow told her duagther - my mother in low - they same thing - my mother told be and my mother in low told her daughter - my four sister in low. Therefore Yoruba and German can give the same kind of advice. And an other advice form boths sides to the daugther was - if you want something from a man, sale it to him as his own idea. All of us are marry for a long time and just if you wonder my own father did, when I was jung this is why i am a step daughter.

Thanks again for those replies. I do not know the ratio of "bad men" among nigerians, what I know for sure is, though he is not perfect, my husband is a good one Anyway, even with a very nice guy, going back to a home country can lead to some changes in behavior, As I said, we currently live abroad, so we make up our own culture out of three others (his, mine and the country we live in), if we go back to nigeria, he will blend in easier than I do, and that could be a stress on our marriage.

It might sound like I take it lightly, as sara j said, but I left my country right after graduation and have been working in different places abroad (no western country) since, so moving to different countries is more of a lifestyle, that i really enjoy But you are right, I might not have spent enough time in nigeria to see the difficulties there. It was always so nice and his family is very welcoming and protective, that I didn't experience any trouble. I wish to spend more time there, trying to do a few things on my own to have an idea of how it could really be. But as I said, this is a plan for the future and we still have time to think about it and plan better.

mrsb, do your kids go to an international school? after graduation, do you want them to study in uk? How do they blend in with other kids/cousins ?

Hi Miss_Ife. We are in Lagos where there are loads of international schools - British, American, French, Italian, German etc - each one geared to the curriculum of that country. There are plenty of other really good schools too - that aren't affiliated to the expat community - most of those seem to follow the British system. The education my kids have received so far is really good and they are certainly not yet behind their friends of the same age in the UK. What they do when they are 18 is really up to them - don't want to start a counter thread or encourage abuse but my husband and I feel that the English education is the best (I'll duck to avoid any flying shoes right about now) so I'm hoping they'll do university there but it will be their choice.

Luckily for me, we have a big extended family here all living very close by and my in-laws all got married about the same as us, this means we have a veritable posse of similar aged cousins - my kids are as close as siblings with them - they of course have had the benefit of literally growing up with them almost since birth. There is no such thing as calling to arrange play dates here, our kids come and go from eachother's houses which I quite like. My kids are not treated differently because they are mixed race - they are part of the gang - but remember they are all under the age of 8 so this could easily change later. If anything, its currently harder for them to get along with their white cousins in the UK as they see them less often and are growing up in such different worlds.

Rosabelle:

lol @ netotse. I am very much a nigerian. 
As I already said, with 150million citizens, youre bound to have a spalting in opinions.
I dont know any american or british kids, and so I have no idea how they behave. Never lived in either countries.
I do however know how nigerian men behave, and though generalisation and stereotyping is not right, with nigerian men, you just cant see the light. Too much rubbish going on.
Believe me man, I know what Im talking about lol

@netotse,pls dont blame her u werent in her shoes.hmmm wat more can I say Rosabelle.perhaps u have gone through a kinda hell in d hands of a 9ja guy/man but that shouldnt give u the credence to insult all the men.And verily, a man need know but one woman well, in order to understand all women; whereas a woman may know all men and understand not even one of them.”Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house.

mrsb and poster, i'm not white but having lived in the UK my whole life and faced with the move to Nigeria to be with my husband very soon, i am so grateful for what you have written here.

The same thing you have mentioned is what i was crying on the phone to my sister recently during a visit when I was in Nigeria. as for the attitude - don't even sweat apologising - the women back home (young and old - cos my mum gets it as well) have some sort of complex they like to hide behind some sort of stupid attitude (and no I'm not going to apologise cos I'm talking thru experience).

One of the things for me is the taste of the foods we have here that they sell there, for example biscuits, chocolate and cake. i seriously see it as a way to ensure i don't put on weight cos everything tastes different, my husband - bless him, buys all the stuff for me but i think he is getting fed up of my throwing away all these snacks cos it tastes different.

I'm used to some of the poor infrastructure and behaviour of people back home, although i seriously have to drop my oyinbo time thing and start chilling out when people don't stick to time and use NT - Nigerian time. Luckily I have secured a job but will not be working for a few months b4 i settle and it will be very hard from going from a very independent woman to someone who has to depend on my husband for almost everything - including buying stuff in the market - once they hear my voice - prices suddenly increase - please I'm not saying this to show off as i have tried to learn broken and speak in a more naija accent but sometimes it can't be hidden the number of times i have had a price increase on my within seconds while in Nigeria is amazing.

I know its going to be hard but to know that there are many in this situation who understand how i feel sometimes makes it less of a pain, as for people saying Nigerian men are bad - abeg some of them are wonderful like mine. Men can be bad no matter where they are from.

redsky1:

mrsb and poster, i'm not white but having lived in the UK my whole life and faced with the move to Nigeria to be with my husband very soon, i am so grateful for what you have written here.

The same thing you have mentioned is what i was crying on the phone to my sister recently during a visit when I was in Nigeria. as for the attitude - don't even sweat apologising - the women back home (young and old - cos my mum gets it as well) have some sort of complex they like to hide behind some sort of stupid attitude (and no I'm not going to apologise cos I'm talking thru experience).

One of the things for me is the taste of the foods we have here that they sell there, for example biscuits, chocolate and cake. i seriously see it as a way to ensure i don't put on weight cos everything tastes different, my husband - bless him, buys all the stuff for me but i think he is getting fed up of my throwing away all these snacks cos it tastes different.

I'm used to some of the poor infrastructure and behaviour of people back home, although i seriously have to drop my oyinbo time thing and start chilling out when people don't stick to time and use NT - Nigerian time. Luckily I have secured a job but will not be working for a few months b4 i settle and it will be very hard from going from a very independent woman to someone who has to depend on my husband for almost everything - including buying stuff in the market - once they hear my voice - prices suddenly increase - please I'm not saying this to show off as i have tried to learn broken and speak in a more naija accent but sometimes it can't be hidden the number of times i have had a price increase on my within seconds while in Nigeria is amazing.

I know its going to be hard but to know that there are many in this situation who understand how i feel sometimes makes it less of a pain, as for people saying Nigerian men are bad - abeg some of them are wonderful like mine. Men can be bad no matter where they are from.

Life's hard in Nigeria. I came back and tried to settle in but it didnt work, so I ran away and would try again in 18months lol.
I have a love-hate relationship with that place, cos everyone is looking for a way to cheat the other, no matter how rich or poor he is.
The poverty has eaten deep into our peoples brain work.
I didnt say Nigerian men are bad. I was pointing out their bad parts and concentrating on them cos my experiences were hard.
I know there are bad men everywhere, as well as bad women. But in this case, the issue was Nigerian men (my issue I mean).
As for getting used to the taste of buscuits and chocolate (and food) , I wont let it get to me, though its one of those tiny comforts that make life worth your while (you never notice until you dont have them), but after like 6months, your system gets used to being without.