Hi guys

This is a joke thread,I saw them on palmchat and I'll be updating Nairaland also with the jokes that cracked me up there so don't forget to comment after reading them


Stay Tuned and Enjoy!

A man who was dying in the hospital was surrounded by his two sons, daughter, his wife and a nurse. The man said to his eldest son: To you, Akpos, I leave the Airport houses. To you, my dear daughter, I leave the apartment blocks in Lekki. Ochuko, being my youngest son with a large future, I leave the City Center offices. And you, my dear wife, the three residential building towers at Ikeja. The nurse, impressed, tells his Wife: Madam, your husband is very rich. He has so many properties! You all are so lucky!! The Wife retorts: Rich? Lucky Our whole family works for the cleaning company. Those are his Job schedules for cleaning.

One day, three girls went swimming in a nearby dam. They undressed and went on with their business. Twenty minutes later, Akpos came and stood next to where they left their clothes. The girls said, "what have you come to see? You are unlucky because we won't get out of this water till you leave," And they started drifting towards the deepest parts. Akpos replied,"I've got nothing to do with you, i just came to feed the crocodiles in here! The girls jumped out of the water. One word for Akpos.

I was in church one day when pastor said: "It's time to say hello to your neighbours, shake hands and lets get to know each other." I said hello to the person sitting to my left and to the one sitting to my right.. We introduced our selves and both said they were Egyptians. Preaching time came and pastor decided to preach from Exodus 14:13.. Telling us about how God saved the Israelites from Egyptians. My people, remember that there were Egyptians on my left and right. I was thinking to myself "How do these two Egyptians feel knowing that their people are the bad guys in this Bible verse" Well, I just sit-down my own je-je-je. The next thing oo!!, pastor shouted: "The Egyptians made the people of God to suffer for years!!!, I said they made them suffer!!!, Turn to your left and to your right!!! And tell your neighbour!!!, The Egyptians you see today!!!, You shall see no more!!!" My friend, if you were in my position will you say after the pastor?

HUSBAND: My wife where are you? WIFE: At home love. HUSBAND: Are you sure? WIFE: Yes. HUSBAND: Turn on the blender. WIFE: (turns blender on) reeereeeereeee HUSBAND: Ok my love goodbye. Another day HUSBAND: My wife where are you? WIFE: At home love HUSBAND: Are you sure? WIFE: Yes HUSBAND: Turn on the blender WIFE: (turns blender on) reeereeeereeee HUSBAND: Ok my love goodbye The next day, the husband decides to go home without notice, and finds his son alone and he asked him son where is your mother? SON: I don't know, she went out with the blender.

A man and his wife never fought for 25yrs of their marriage. A friend asked him how he had managed to make it possible. He narrated,"We went for our Honeymoon in Australia 25years ago, and while riding on a horse, my wife's horse jumped and my wife fell down. She then got up, patted the Horse's back and said'this is your first time'. After a while ,it happened again. She patted the horse again and said'this is your second time". The horse did it again the 3rd time, she brought out a gun and shot the horse dead. I was so shocked and shouted at her,'Are you crazy!!? What's wrong with you!!? Why did you kill the horse?. She gave me a grave look and said'THIS YOUR FIRST TIME". Ever since then we have been living very happily...

A pregnant woman boards a bus. After
taking a seat, she notices a man smiling
at her. She feels self-conscious and
changes her seat, but he seems even
more amused.
She moves a third time, and he starts to
giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out
laughing.
They both get off the bus at the next stop.
The pregnant woman is furious and
demands an explanation. "What exactly is
so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies
the giggling
man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're
pregnant, and when you first sat down,
you sat under an advertisement which
read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.'
Then you sat under an ad that read 'Sloan's
Liniments Remove Swelling.' Then
you moved under a deodorant
advertisement which read 'William's Stick
Did the Trick.' And I just couldn't hold it in
any longer when you moved a fourth time
and sat under a tire advertisement which
read 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have
Prevented This Accident

Teacher: Who is a pharmacist? Akpos raised up his hand Teacher: So it is only Akpos that is the most intelligent student i have in this class? So there is nobody else to answer the question except Akpos? (There was no reply from the students) Teacher: Ok, now Akpos, use this cane and flog them ten strokes of cane each. Akpos is full of happy and gave all the students ten hot strokes of cane.... Teacher: Oyaa my dear Akpos tell this dumb students who a pharmacist is... Akpos: A Pharmacist is a farmer who assist people. The Teacher fainted.

A couple died a day before their wedding. When they got to Heaven, they met an Angel who asked them what they would like him to do for them, and they asked him to help them look for a Pastor so that they can get married. The Angel said they should give him some time. They waited the first year, second year, up to 500 years and the Angel did not come back. Finally, the Angel brought a Pastor who married them after 1,000 years. One month after their wedding they discovered things were not working out between them and they asked the Angel to help them look for a lawyer so that they can divorce and the Angel was so worried. He said; "It took me 1,000 years to get a pastor in Heaven, how do you expect me to find a lawyer?"

A soldier ran up to a reverend sister, out of breath, he asked; "Please may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later". The reverend sister agreed. A moment later two military men ran up and asked, "Sister did you see a soldier?" The reverend sister replied, "He went that way. " After the military men ran off, the soldier crawled out from under the skirt and said; "I can't thank you enough sister. You see, I don't want to go to Maiduguri. " The reverend sister said she understood completely. The soldier added; "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs." The reverend sister replied; "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls, I don't want to go to Maiduguri too".

An old woman walked into an antique store and looked at a diamond necklace in a glass cabinet. Suddenly, she let out a fart. She coughed, trying to disguise it, because a shop assistant was walking by. She then called the assistant over and asked how much the necklace was. The assistant replied, "If you just farted looking at it you'll shit on yourself when I tell you the price!"

Ofego was being discharged from a Mental Hospital after doctors thought he was finally back to normal. He was put in an ambulance to be taken back home. He claimed he knew the house so he led the doctors. They took him to where he claimed he lived. Just as they approached a certain house, two kids, dressed in uniforms came out of the house. Ofego screamed, "Those are my children going to school!" A minute later, a woman came out of the same house and Ofego screamed, "That's my wife, she is late for work!" This time, the doctors were convinced Ofego was ok and took him out of the ambulance but was still in chains. Just as they were about unlocking the chains, a man came out of the house and Ofego screamed, "YES! THAT'S ME GOING TO WORK!" grin grin lolzzzzz

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Tales Of Akpos The Warri Boy


A Boy dropped a Girl at home.

He puts his hand on the wall by the gate for support and leaned towards her.

The Boy asked; Can I kiss you?

The Girl replied; No, Not now, I'm at home now.

The Boy said; Please na.

The Girl said; No.

The Boy said; You were too sweet in bed today.

The Girl said; Wow! You too, you were full of energy. I couldn't believe we had 4 rounds.

The Boy said; Let me kiss you goodnight.

The Girl said; Someone might be watching, they still think I'm a virgin at home.

This goes on for 10 minutes.

Then
the Girl's brother Akpos appeared at the gate and said; Daddy said
whether you kiss him or not it's your decision, but tell the bastard to
remove his hand from the telephone button. Everybody at home is
listening to your conversation.

After a terrible shipwreck, a man found himself alone on an island. He went about the island in search of food and shelter. After a long walk, the man froze in terror as he saw a tribe of cannibals in the middle of a celebration. The man thought to himself, "I am so screwed!" To his surprise, a bright light came from the heavens and a deep voice said to him "Not yet my son, listen very carefully: what you have to do is run up to the chief of the tribe, kick him in the nuts, and take his spear. As soon as you take his spear, kill his only son with it." Without thinking twice, the man does as he was told. As he put the spear through the young cannibal's heart the bright light appeared again and the deep voice said to him "Now you are screwed