I MET my husband just over 20 years ago,” said Susan, trying to put me in the picture of how she’d come to lose hef self-respect and dignity, because she couldn’t say ‘no’ to an ‘emotional’ abuser like her ex-husband.

“He had one or two girlfriends at the same time when we were courting, but I fell pregnant, so we got married. Years after we discovered we weren’t just compatible. He didn’t stop womanizing and treated the house as a transit camp, so we decided to get a divorce, or better put, he wanted his freedom. In spite of the divorce, we were still friends because of our son, and one thing led to another and we had a second child.

“Sadly, he was always having affairs as usual and wasn’t that much of a father to our two lovely boys. Because of the money he spent on his women, I got very little financial support from him, but we plodded on. Then, early last year, he met this 26-year-old graduate who is a single parent of one daughter. They got married almost immediately because she said she was pregnant and enrolled her daughter into an expensive private school. In spite of this new marriage, my ex continued to sleep with me and even now, he comes round at odd hours three to four times a week. His wife then had a miscarriage and became depressed. As a result, the number of times he wants sex a week has increased. His wife never encourages my sons to visit, and since he sneaks in when they’re in school, he seldom sees them.

“When I asked him if he was happy in his new marriage, he assured me he was, yet he sometimes stays the night with me, telling his wife he was at his family house. He even starts fights with her so that he can get out of the house to be with me. I’ve told him I still love him and he has to make a concrete commitment to us, but he said he now has a new family. Yet, this girl is seen at most of these society parties in company of her jet-set friends. At 47, my ex says he feels too old for the type of outing she likes. It’s obvious he keeps me hanging around in case this woman decides to get rid of him. I know m children and I would be better off without him, but he’s all I have now. He says he still wants to try for a baby with his wife so they could have one together.

I want to move on with my life, but with him breathing down my me neck all the time, and telling me I am special especially when we’re making love, I find this difficult to do.

“A few months ago, I went out of Lagos with a few friends for an engagement party and we stayed for a week. When I came back, he demanded to know whether I’d slept with anyone. Yet, he still won’t make a permanent commitment. I can’t understand how a man can wake up in his wife’s bed, then knock on the door of his ex, as early as 6.30 a.m for sex on his way to the office…” As pathetic as Susan’s story is, there are thousands of ex -wives in her shoes, I told Susan she’s turned her man into a kid in a sweet shop who can have anything he wants. To men like him, the word divorce is meaningless – they remained ex partners yet, with the ex-wives’ connivance, continued to sleep around. No matter how selfishly Susan’s ex behaves, the message she’s sending across is: “I still care for you and you can have sex with me, whenever you want, no matter how many other women you sleep with.’ And he shouldn’t be blamed if he continues with his career as a spoilt child, irresponsible father, selfish partner and a prolific philanderer.

A supposed married man who suddenly met a young woman who gave him sex and demanded all his time and money, he ditched his wife after falling helplessly into her honeyed trap and quickly married her. What happens when he eventually runs out of cash to maintain her expensive lifestyle? She would either chuck him or look for lovers who could satisfy her taste – and Susan would still be around wiping his nose. I told Susan it was about time she closed the sweet shop and build a life that gives her back her self-respect and gives some emotional security to her sons. At 47, her ex’s prolonged adolescence is almost over and the man-child he is, he needs to learn the rules and rewards of caring adult behavior.