freshvine:


Anambra + Imo collabo

Then that's not 'pure breed'.

Babythug, it is a family thing rather than a cultural thing. Some families prefer certain types of background and even amongst their tribe, will have issues. There are not a lot of major differences between Nigerian tribes but humans be humans: divisive.

EfemenaXY:


I think it really depends on the personality of the person one intends to marry and the family.

There are marriages from hell where both the husband and wife come from the same village / street, and there are enviable marriages made in heaven where the couple come from completely different backgrounds / countries / continents.

Cc: Mindfulness, Ngokafor, Damiso

...Its an interesting relatiinship and can be fun if you have a good spouse and humane in-laws.The truth is that marrying outside one's ethnic group requires a great deal of maturity from the man and woman and not for everyone.The thought-process of in-laws from both side of the divide is also very crucial..but at the end of the day..to each their own.

babythug:
Love can be a bit tricky; in that the heart doesn't really choose* whom to love, you just find that you are in love with a particular person i.e despite your deep desires of being with someone from your ethnic group you may end up in love with someone from another!!!!

That said it is easier to be in love and end up with someone from the same ethnic group. Differences and issues may* be easier to manage seeing that the couple may/should have the same orientation as regards general issues. But then again as long as one isn't from the same family there will always be differences as per outlook to life and opinions and general relations so i guess it's more important to focus on the individual and character beyond ethnicity.

My two cents!

This seems an interesting topic, lemme invite some people to the discourse.

It's just not worth the hassle and the friction. Too many tribal bigots in nigeria. There will always be that one person that would stand against the union or bring up issues.

It's always best to marry from one's ethnic group. If there's any issue, we can easily drag ourselves to the Aalafin's palace and speak the same language

Kachisbarbie:


lol, I know that feeling.
I think their kids are at advantage, 'dual citizenship' things na.


That gele is everything. I've been looking for a stuff like that...

Dual citizenship, lol..

thorpido:
Exposure,level of education and orientation........very important.
If you decide to go the inter-tribal route,you need to meet the family and assess their level of orientation,and education.How do they see other tribes(or your tribe)?

As per speaking their language when you are around,again it depends on how you have built your relationship while dating and being confident of your position in your in-law's family.You need to know they love you,want you and respect you.
I travelled to my in-law's hometown last christmas,they held a family meeting and the uncle being the head said I should sit with them as a member of the family.Before he started to talk,he apologised to me and said he was going to speak his language so he could express himself well.He said my wife will 'download' for me later.He jokingly said I have to learn the language too.Did I feel lost and insecured as they all spoke?Naaaa.Like I said,I earned their respect and I know they love and want me.
When my siblings and mum come around too,we speak our language even when my wife is present.I there's anything she needs to hear or be part of the discussion,we speak english.
They key thing is knowing the family.

It's human nature to want to stay close to home,marry someone who speaks your language and understands your culture but hey,the world is a global village now.......this is 2016!Africans are marrying spouses in Asia,Europeans are marrying Africans.Cultures can be imbibed,languages can be learnt.You shouldn't give up on love for the sake of ethnicity.

Thanks for this, I like what you've written down. However, I know this is 2016 but we should not downplay the fact that ethnicity and tribalism is still something we deal with as Nigerians.

Ermmm excuse me sir, so do you mean that there are things you talk about with your mum and siblings that your wife doesn't need to hear even when she's right there?

AlphaHandMaiden:


Sooooo babythug, you have hoiked me into family section.... me that has been eating my imaginary puff corn jeje by the sidelines.
I am watching you!.....


If people talking in their local language is going to be pinching you, You learn the language! simples!! Life is sometimes not as complicated as we make it out to be. I know a few women that learnt their husbands language and now speak it fluently. You wont even know they are from another state!

Infact one of my cousins was told bluntly by her MIL, that she doesnt speak english, and she will speak ibo go her grandchildren! And kept speaking ibo to her, around her, about her, tease her!!!! So we quickly got with the program and learnt ibo sharp sharp.... now they are best of buddies! Problem solved! Disaster averted.

She had the option to let it get to her, sulk and escalate it to a huge issue of MIL, not liking her but she didnt.

You havent seen where in laws will bad mouth you in a language you can understand and to your hearing!!!!
speaking the same language or having your parents share an adjoining fence in the same village , your fathers sharing the same mango tree to smoke pipe in the evening or even your mothers belonging to the same meeting or osusu club, does not guarantee a happy union or an easy ride with the inlaws.

If an inlaw decides not to like you, the reasons are sometimes baseless such as the fact that a girl might just be the wrong shade of yellow!

That being said, you shouldnt go into a marriage with the anticipation it is me vs them.

A man and woman in marriage form their own family unit. Their home, their rules. If either party starts doing things to please extended family, na there k leg wan start. As long as both individuals are happy together, understand eachother and share the same values and have peace of mind, what region of the world your ancestors decided to settle in should not be an issue.

I have also seen cases that the family pressured their children to marry " local" frustrating the relatioship with the "outsider" till break-up and the local marriage were disasters from the local men beating the women to stupor or the local girl that will nag the man, bad at money management and even insult the parents inlaw for no reason and essentially scatter the family!

Both parties are adults..... and should be able to speak frankly to and respectfully stand up to their parents/family on behalf of their spouse.
If you cant do that, then you have no business getting married.

Well nothing is pinching me about people speaking their language, thanks for your input though.i appreciate it.

babythug:
Love can be a bit tricky; in that the heart doesn't really choose* whom to love, you just find that you are in love with a particular person i.e despite your deep desires of being with someone from your ethnic group you may end up in love with someone from another!!!!

That said it is easier to be in love and end up with someone from the same ethnic group. Differences and issues may* be easier to manage seeing that the couple may/should have the same orientation as regards general issues. But then again as long as one isn't from the same family there will always be differences as per outlook to life and opinions and general relations so i guess it's more important to focus on the individual and character beyond ethnicity.

My two cents!

This seems an interesting topic, lemme invite some people to the discourse.

CC: tearoses, EfemenaXY , onegai, sambarry, bellong, edwife,cococandy, alphahandmaiden, helovesme

My sentiments exactly @bolded.
Yes I know character is the most important, but I'm not someone who falls in love at first sight, never have been. I'm sure I would know where a man is from before I even start letting the love emotion take hold,just saying

I've dated diverse ethnicities though, even Europeans when I was studying abroad.but there's just something about being with a man whom you can converse with in your dialect. I'm weird

missjo:

Thanks for this, I like what you've written down. However, I know this is 2016 but we should not downplay the fact that ethnicity and tribalism is still something we deal with as Nigerians.

Ermmm excuse me sir, so do you mean that there are things you talk about with your mum and siblings that your wife doesn't need to hear even when she's right there?

If there are things we need to talk about that my wife doesn't need to hear while she is present(not necessarily a bad thing or discussions about her),then we don't even discuss it at all.We can always find some other time to discuss it or make calls later.

helovesme:


It's just not worth the hassle and the friction. Too many tribal bigots in nigeria. There will always be that one person that would stand against the union or bring up issues.

It's always best to marry from one's ethnic group. If there's any issue, we can easily drag ourselves to the Aalafin's palace and speak the same language

WOW!!!
I like how you keep it 100
Tribalism is still very much ingrained in the psyche of most Nigerians but I think it's a global thing. People just naturally mix with their own.

thorpido:
If there are things we need to talk about that my wife doesn't need to hear while she is present(not necessarily a bad thing or discussions about her),then we don't even discuss it at all.We can always find some other time to discuss it or make calls later.

Aii, I get it. Thanks

freshvine:
I married igbo cos I wanted pure breed.

Which one is pure breed again, lol.you make it sound sooo serious, as in genetically serious ish

EfemenaXY:


I think it really depends on the personality of the person one intends to marry and the family.

There are marriages from hell where both the husband and wife come from the same village / street, and there are enviable marriages made in heaven where the couple come from completely different backgrounds / countries / continents.

Cc: Mindfulness, Ngokafor, Damiso

You're right ma'am.personality and mutual respect from both sides is needed for intertribal unions to be free from any and all traces of bigoted bias.

The thing is that people that are not in inter tribal marriages see it as one big deal. It is not biko. I am a full bred Igbo woman married to a full bred Yoruba man and honestly our tribal differences are the least of our problems. Maybe it's cos of our backgrounds, or we are just two kpomo hearted people that care less about what people say . When my husband is on the phone with my in-laws, he speaks Yoruba, when I am on the phone with my family, I speak Igbo. We tell each other what was said and convey regards. I honestly haven't had a hard time in my marriage cos of tribe. I dated Igbo men b4 marriage but we conversed in English. Marriage is so vast that tribal differences should hardly matter. That's how I see it anyway. I married my husband cos of his heart. It is not easy to see someone in this our time who is ready to come back from work and still cook for you, while u stretch ur tired feet with remote in ya hand . Someone that insists on ur input before decision making. These were the kind of qualities I was looking for and once I saw them in him, tribe was a non issue. Most of the men I dated from my tribe expected me to wait on them hand and foot. Kolewerk o.there were objections from some of his people and my people but we were footing our bills by ourselves, we couldn't be intimidated. Now everyone has come round especially his people after my dad collected 100 naira as my bride price. They Cldnt believe it as their main objection was that Igbo girls are too expensive to marry. The funny thing is that he had broken up with his Yoruba gf before we met, so between both of us I don't even know who is more detribalised. The only thing I miss is not traveling to my village every Christmas

missjo:

Well nothing is pinching me about people speaking their language, thanks for your input though.i appreciate it.

I meant "you" in a generalised sense. Not specifically refering to you as an individual.

AlphaHandMaiden:


I meant "you" in a generalised sense. Not specifically refering to you as an individual.

My apologies then, I got a confrontational vibe from your post is all

BellaElla:
The thing is that people that are not in inter tribal marriages see it as one big deal. It is not biko. I am a full bred Igbo woman married to a full bred Yoruba man and honestly our tribal differences are the least of our problems. Maybe it's cos of our backgrounds, or we are just two kpomo hearted people that care less about what people say . When my husband is on the phone with my in-laws, he speaks Yoruba, when I am on the phone with my family, I speak Igbo. We tell each other what was said and convey regards. I honestly haven't had a hard time in my marriage cos of tribe. I dated Igbo men b4 marriage but we conversed in English. Marriage is so vast that tribal differences should hardly matter. That's how I see it anyway. I married my husband cos of his heart. It is not easy to see someone in this our time who is ready to come back from work and still cook for you, while u stretch ur tired feet with remote in ya hand . Someone that insists on ur input before decision making. These were the kind of qualities I was looking for and once I saw them in him, tribe was a non issue. Most of the men I dated from my tribe expected me to wait on them hand and foot. Kolewerk o.there were objections from some of his people and my people but we were footing our bills by ourselves, we couldn't be intimidated. Now everyone has come round especially his people after my dad collected 100 naira as my bride price. They Cldnt believe it as their main objection was that Igbo girls are too expensive to marry. The funny thing is that he had broken up with his Yoruba gf before we met, so between both of us I don't even know who is more detribalised. The only thing I miss is not traveling to my village every Christmas

God bless your family dear

thorpido:
Then that's not 'pure breed'.

My sentiments exactly!

missjo:

Which one is pure breed again, lol.you make it sound sooo serious, as in genetically serious ish

Cc. Freshvine.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to marry someone with whom you have the same cultural values but Unless one can trace their bloodline back to Amadioha or whoever is the main character in their culture's creation story and confirm that there has been no form of 'mixing' whatsoever, any talk of being "pure bred igbo" or any claims of ethnic or tribal purity is well.... quite laughable!.

Cultures that want to preserve their bloodlines or have a pure breed have been known to marry within the same family with a lot of inbreeding... ie. Between Cousins, and even siblings!

In most nigerian cultures you cant even "cut eye" for your hot 3rd cousin without you having to sacrifice goat and bath in the market square to appease the gods and cleanse your family of the curse your roving eye has brought down on them!

missjo:

My apologies then, I got a confrontational vibe from your post is all

Apologies as well, No confrontation intended!

AlphaHandMaiden:


My sentiments exactly!



Cc. Freshvine.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to marry someone with whom you have the same cultural values but Unless one can trace their bloodline back to Amadioha or whoever is the main character in their culture's creation story and confirm that there has been no form of 'mixing' whatsoever, any talk of being "pure bred igbo" or any claims of ethnic or tribal purity is well.... quite laughable!.

Cultures that want to preserve their bloodlines or have a pure breed have been known to marry within the same family with a lot of inbreeding... ie. Between Cousins, and even siblings!

In most nigerian cultures you cant even "cut eye" for your hot 3rd cousin without you having to sacrifice goat and bath in the market square to appease the gods and cleanse your family of the curse your roving eye has brought down on them!

Development started in the early 80s and migration and integration among tribes began. It is not as if this started 200 years ago so finding an igbo man in the east and marrying same is not a big deal.

Have you heard an igbo man marrying a yoruba woman in 1914?

Inter tribal marriage began in the 80s with most families still not accepting it nowadays for the children.

BellaElla:
The thing is that people that are not in inter tribal marriages see it as one big deal. It is not biko. I am a full bred Igbo woman married to a full bred Yoruba man and honestly our tribal differences are the least of our problems. Maybe it's cos of our backgrounds, or we are just two kpomo hearted people that care less about what people say . When my husband is on the phone with my in-laws, he speaks Yoruba, when I am on the phone with my family, I speak Igbo. We tell each other what was said and convey regards. I honestly haven't had a hard time in my marriage cos of tribe. I dated Igbo men b4 marriage but we conversed in English. Marriage is so vast that tribal differences should hardly matter. That's how I see it anyway. I married my husband cos of his heart. It is not easy to see someone in this our time who is ready to come back from work and still cook for you, while u stretch ur tired feet with remote in ya hand . Someone that insists on ur input before decision making. These were the kind of qualities I was looking for and once I saw them in him, tribe was a non issue. Most of the men I dated from my tribe expected me to wait on them hand and foot. Kolewerk o.there were objections from some of his people and my people but we were footing our bills by ourselves, we couldn't be intimidated. Now everyone has come round especially his people after my dad collected 100 naira as my bride price. They Cldnt believe it as their main objection was that Igbo girls are too expensive to marry. The funny thing is that he had broken up with his Yoruba gf before we met, so between both of us I don't even know who is more detribalised. The only thing I miss is not traveling to my village every Christmas

I like this.Your husband should try and work something out for you to spend your Christmas in the village at least once in 3yrs.

freshvine:



Development started in the early 80s and migration and integration among tribes began. It is not as if this started 200 years ago so finding an igbo man in the east and marrying same is not a big deal.

Have you heard an igbo man marrying a yoruba woman in 1914?

Inter tribal marriage began in the 80s with most families still not accepting it nowadays for the children.

I have to say you are grossly wrong and misinformed in that assumption. Just because it was not recorded does not mean it didnt happen.

For example I am from benin. But i have distant relatives in Akure. My great great grand father ( a bini man) settled there having vast cocoa plantations. My great grandmother came to benin frequently for trade, and got married to a benin man in one of those visits and remained there.

Do your maths and you will find that her father's relocation was in the late 1800s.
A good number of his children settled in akure, marrying local people and some even changing their names. And many of their decendants not knowing that their fore father was a bini man!

In my earlier post, about my cousin and her igbo family, she speaks the language, her children speak it, she has embraced the culture as her own. If this was in 1914 as you so put it, would there be a recorded history that she was not igbo? 3 generations down the line may not even know the origins of their family.

Many people in that time traveled around for trade, fleeing persecution and many other reasons and a good number settled in foreign lands. Many changed their names in order to blend in or their names changed over time due local pronounciaton and assimilation.

Even the portuguese traded with the peoples of the south of nigeria as far back as the 16th century. Or do you think some ibo and eket people that are very fair with green or hazel eyes just mutated due to planetary alignment? Some distant relative had gotten jiggy with a "potoki" sailor. Hence the features that are seen in some people from that area.

So please educate yourself well in history before you make such statements that intermarriage only began in the 80s. It only became more widespread due to advances in technology and transportation which made travel and integration far easier than using a herd of donkeys or a dugout canoe!

AlphaHandMaiden:


My sentiments exactly!



Cc. Freshvine.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to marry someone with whom you have the same cultural values but Unless one can trace their bloodline back to Amadioha or whoever is the main character in their culture's creation story and confirm that there has been no form of 'mixing' whatsoever, any talk of being "pure bred igbo" or any claims of ethnic or tribal purity is well.... quite laughable!.

Cultures that want to preserve their bloodlines or have a pure breed have been known to marry within the same family with a lot of inbreeding... ie. Between Cousins, and even siblings!

In most nigerian cultures you cant even "cut eye" for your hot 3rd cousin without you having to sacrifice goat and bath in the market square to appease the gods and cleanse your family of the curse your roving eye has brought down on them!

Guilty as charged,don't judge me

EfemenaXY:


I think it really depends on the personality of the person one intends to marry and the family.

There are marriages from hell where both the husband and wife come from the same village / street, and there are enviable marriages made in heaven where the couple come from completely different backgrounds / countries / continents.

Cc: Mindfulness, Ngokafor, Damiso

I agree with you. Humans naturally tend to feel comfortable around people who speak, look sound and behave like them. However it will work if all parties come into the union with a mind-set that is willing to compromise and is open to the fact that this person/family might do things differently from me.