Let me begin this article by giving you various definitions of the term 'Marriage'. Varying definitions would definitely broaden your scope,as regards your perception of the subject matter 'Marriage' According to merriam webster dictionary, it aptly defines marriage as 'the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law'. Lets take another definition, this time from dictionary.com . It defines marriage as 'the form of this institution under which a man and a woman have established their decision to live as husband and and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc'. Lastly,Wikipedia(although not a dictionary) says that 'Marriage , also called matrimony or wedlock , is a socially or ritually recognized union or legal contract between spouses that establishes rights and obligations between them, between them and their children, and between them and their in-laws. [1] The definition of marriage varies according to different cultures, but it is principally an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually sexual, are acknowledged. In some cultures, marriage is recommended or considered to be compulsory before pursuing any sexual activity'.
With those definitions in mind,how can the institution of marriage be strengthened while strictly adhering to the vows made by each spouse on that fateful day they were matrimonially joined together? More often than not,pertinent issues rock the marriage scene,but how can these problems be solved effectively considering all odds and extraneous events? I have the real life example of Isaac and Rose(original names have been substitututed) and what can be learnt from their case. All these and many more would be discussed in this article. I wrote this article out of the fact that i recently did a research on divorce and marital issues and my findings are quite shocking and alarming at the same time,and its sad. Whats wrong? Divorce rate keep increasing by the light of a new day and as it seems, most marrriages are heading for disaster. I do hope you enjoy reading this article half as much as i enjoy writing it for you. Lets begin with the case study of Isaac and Rose.
They actually met in school,and with time they fell in love. Now as time passed by ,it seemed more than average love,they were deeply in love with each other. Their friends and colleagues saw their love as an exemplary one. It was such that if Isaac was not with Rose,Rose was with Isaac and vice-versa. After two years or thereabout of dating intimately as it were,they decided to take ten steps futher. Your guess is right,they decided to get married. The ceremony was talk of town,i mean the love birds coming together to form a family and all. Wow! Let me reiterate at this point that before their marriage,they both had a vivid picture of what marriage entails. They each had sweet feelings of what would become of them together and how they hope to raise their lovely kids in a perfect family setting. Infact they both talked about this often. Rose deep down felt she had what it takes to be the ideal wife for Isaac. Isaac on the other hand felt the same way,being a good husband to Rose and a good father to their cute kids was what he really wanted for himself. Now,lets get back to their marriage. The first year seemed perfect in all ramifications,really felt like a dream come true. After the first year,things went well and all good. They seemed to know and do the needful,and that in turn added some serene sweetness and adventure to their union. Now things went on like this for a while until hmm things began to change,for the better? Nah,worse and worse things kept going. Sadly,the affectionate and intimate feelings they
initially had for each other gradually dwindled. The burning fire of their love started to reduce and reduce till the fire literally went off,and what more? They began capitalizing on each others flaws to the extent of deeply hurting each other,something they never thought of doing,something they rarely did at the inception of their union. Days rolled into weeks,weeks into months,and months into years and 5 years came by. By the 5th year of their marriage,they could barely look at each other in the eyes(it was that bad)without having a flash of what the other had done wrong.Aww,how sad. Isaac and Rose were not having mere or trivial issues with their marriage but rather major and serious issues. What likely went wrong? Though of course many other things happened within the space of 5 years which i am not going to include in this article,but the story still provides a good basis for our discussion. Now with their case at the back of your mind,what do you think might have been the problem?
Lets take a moment to critically look at marriage, looking at it for what it really is,considering various dimensions and earlier definitions.
Ideally,marriage(arguably,between a man and woman in this case) is intended for companionship,love,care,support,togetherness,mutual understanding and the like. It is supposedly a union whereby either party should be free to show and get love in return. Now permit me to state at this point that the focus should mostly be more on giving,rather than expecting to recieve. Strange right? I doubt. There is a popular saying which i very much agree with,and it says 'When you give,you tend to be happier than when you recieve'. This principle works perfectly fine in marriage and when
inculcated adequately by each spouse contributes in no small way to the success of your marriage. You probably before now thought marriage was supposed to be about YOU,make YOU happier,make YOU feel loved,make YOU feel good about yourself,make YOU more fulfilled,make YOU complete,make YOU better and so on. But the simple truth remains that if you are not happy,theres no way possible you can make another person(your spouse)happy. Thats how it is,it's just not possible. So i hope you get my point here. Love yourself well first,then you can gladly give love back to your spouse and the society at large. Be happy,and you can easily spread your happiness to others. Its only logical thay way. The more you love yourself ,there's no doubt you will love your spouse better. I guess you seem to agree with me on this one,that marriage is not really about what you get from it,but rather what you are capable of giving or contributing to the overall
success of your union. Now to be successful, or to make your marriage work out fine(mostly skewed to the positive side),you individually need to put a lot of conscious effort. We all watch movies,soap operas and the like that depict 200% perfection in marriage. Please and please,step out of their fairy tale and web of untrue fantasies and face reality. Marriage is not supposed to be noodles,instantly prepared,garnished with everything necessary in few minutes. Its 'really hard work',but if you put your mind at it,the 'really
hard' part of the sentence will become 'really easy'. Every now and
then,you need to sit down,talk about pertinent issues bothering you both and immediately work it out. Notice i highlighted the 'immediately',it has to be prompt. That seems kind of hard,unrealistic? No,no i doubt. As long as you are married,you are free to discuss anything at all,especially
issues relating to you both anytime and anywhere. . You dont also have to be complacent,i mean if things are better at the moment its wrong thinking it would be like that forever. I would at this juncture talk about 3 of the numerous things to do as regards improving the quality of your marriage. If i get positive feedback on this,i promise to dish out more ways to improve marriage in subsequent marriage related articles. But for now,the three i would discuss are as follows :
FORGIVE EASILY : I added easily to better qualify 'Forgive'. Reason is because i might forgive as it were ,but might be very reluctant to do so. If you dont forgive easily,more problems seem iminent. I cannot really guarantee you that your spouse wont do something to hurt your feelings,not once or twice but again and again and yet again...but do not make the big mistake of piling unresolved conflicts as a result of your not being willing to forgive. Rather,be willing to forgive your spouse easily (although realistically this might not be easy as it seems but just try okay?) and promptly no matter the cost or effect(s) on you. Let me reiterate again that you should not bring up past mistakes to the present scenario, it is highly unnecessary. Remember you've forgiven, so let it go. The issue is dead and gone. Lest i forget,dont you ever attempt to compare your spouse to another person(Mrs A is a better woman,or Mr B takes good care of his household better),it is wrong,very wrong indeed,and can add a cup full of salt to a minor injury. So as i said earlier,always remember to forgive how? Easily and promptly. Are you ready to do this? Then you are truly prepared to make your marriage work and strengthen the bond. And work out well it will.
EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION : Of course,communication will always take place but sometimes or most times(depending on your disposition),it is not always effective. Effective communication is much more better,thorough and result oriented. So talk about lots of things especially those ones that affect you both and make sure the talk is productive. Some things to talk about could include finances,plans for the family,plans for the future,your relationship with each other, sex and how you both can improve how you feel about and treat each other amongst other things. Remember, communication alone aint enough but rather make sure that whatever you discuss is effectual, and impactful. Its better that way.
CREATIVITY : Creativity is essential in marriage,in fact very essential. When you're quite creative in every aspect of your marriage, you tend to add spice to your union and what is more? You are on the right path to a successful marriage. Dont be easily predictable, change your style or approach to issues and keep your spouse guessing or anticipating happily your next move. Invest your time majorly into the success of your marriage.Some money can add but arguably,it is rarely major or basic. This is all from me for now. I am very sure you have learnt a thing or two to enhance and improve your relationship or marriage. I do hope to write on another important issue facing our society very soon,so keep in expectation. Before i round up,let me chip this in. Try as much as possible to be kind to everyone you meet. You know why? Simply put,each one is fighting a hard battle within. Till next time,have a splendid rest of the week. Again,thanks for reading.
To contact me on issues relating to the welfare and improvement of the society, send a mail to akinduyi@yahoo.com and i would be glad to share your views and acknowledge your feedback.