I have been married 15 years and have 3 children with my husband.

I just found out that when he was supposed to be away on business- he had actually flown to another state to visit a "friend' he had been talking to via internet for the past year. I found this out after some investigation that was initiated by some suspicion that "something" wasn't right. He was busted in several lies, and after much nagging and harassment on my part he finally admits that he went to see a woman. He INSISTS that he never had sex with the woman, but he does admitt that he did have romantic/adulterous intent). Part of me thinks he didn't have sex with her, and part of me says "of course he did" - but even the fact that he wined and dined a woman in another state makes me feel insecure and distrustful as he continues to travel each week for job related business.

BUT- I don't get why he did it. I have in recent years been the IDEAL wife. Good, Hot SEX quite frequently- by his own admission. I am independent, but not so much that I cannot serve or submitt to my husband. I guess this hurts so much- because he did this during a time in which I know I have been the best wife I can possibly be. He says, he really didn't have a reason, other than curiosity.

If he had cheated during a time when we were having a season of strife, and constant bickering - then I would not have been so BLINDSIDED.

Now- I beleive in forgiveness, because the bible says that 'All have sinned and falled short of the glory of God." Since then we have reconciled - made love regularly, and had a peaceful dwelling, BUT,

I am secretly HURTING inside. And everytime something even REMINDS ME of the situation- I LITERALLY GET SICK. I get nausea and have to throw-up, or I get headaches, or i am overcome by a sad feeling of depression. I HAVE FORGIVEN HIM, BUT I CAN'T FORGET- AND i REALLY WANT TO FORGET. I feel like I can't be myself- because if I express that I do not agree with something, or if I do not "act happy" and like I have moved on, then maybe I will give him cause to do it again.

I have spoken with him about this- he says he understands that he must earn back my trust. He still apologizes for the hurt he caused me, SO NOW WHAT. I AM STILL HURTING. I am CRYING MYSELF TO SLEEP AT NIGHT, because I JUST CAN't GET OVER THE FACT tHAT IF HE Could do this when things were great between us---just because he had a "curiosity" plus time and opportunity - then what is to prevent him from acting on such a whim in the future?

He is tired of me bringing up the situation- and I am tired of obsessing over it - yet I can't KEEP THE IDEA out of my mind.

What do I do? How do I 'get over it'?

You have forgiven him, and that is a great start.
you will need to find a way to put it behind you, love him and be a good partner, if he has weakness, help him to get over it.

Why don't you stop having sex with him? tell him you want an 'emotional and intimate break' if that makes sense. I think you're still having sex just to keep him closer to you and not give him an excuse to be "curious". If you don't feel like it then don't do it.

Allow yourself to be angry and don't just swallow the pain and act like it's all good. I know it's good to forgive immediately and be happy again but trust me that's crap. If you're angry then be angry and don't suppress your emotions. If you're still disturbed about the incident then keep telling the man. Share your pain with him and he better not be "tired" of it.

Don't act happy just to please him. You're killing yourself if you're doing that.

Personally, when I'm angry I'm angry. My man has to deal with it. And any reasonable man knows that that's not a ticket to cheating again or walking out. Maturity requires that you deal with the issue together.

I know it hurts like hell but what can one do? Just try to be strong. Pray for God's peace and comfort. Believe me you'll be strengthened again and you'll gradually get over the pain but ermm. .u won't forget it o. Let's be sincere.  Sorry about your pain though. Take care

newakata:



Now- I beleive in forgiveness, because the bible says that 'All have sinned and falled short of the glory of God." Since then we have reconciled - made love regularly, and had a peaceful dwelling, BUT,

'To err is human, to forgive divine'. Let sleeping dogs lie!

[size=14pt]ouch, that would hurt[/size] But lemme tell u what ur body is trying to tell u. Do me i do u.
I don't think u'll let it go until u satisfy this same curiousity. Then when u fight over it, u will both be on the same page on the hurt feelings.

GboGboAye:

[size=14pt]ouch, that would hurt[/size] But lemme tell u what your body is trying to tell u. Do me i do u.
I don't think u'll let it go until u satisfy this same curiousity. Then when u fight over it, u will both be on the same page on the hurt feelings.

Not necessarily.

ouch, that would hurt But lemme tell u what your body is trying to tell u. Do me i do u.
I don't think u'll let it go until u satisfy this same curiousity.  Then when u fight over it, u will both be on the same page on the hurt feelings.

what makes her different from him,if she does the same thing he did? don't be ridiculous man.

It's always easy to forgive . . .but,really hard . .  and most times impossible!,to forget.
Time heals. . . You just gotta wait it out, till your hubby earns your trust again. untill then,i doubt theres anything you can really do. 
But you'll fine in the end. 

I CERTAINLY thought about cheating- but that isn't just against my husband- that is a sin against God, and a violation of my own body. basically that is cutting of my own nose to spite my face.


For years I was so naive to think my Christian husband would never violate our matrimony - since marriage is taken VERY SERIOUSLY in Nigerian/african culture in general. Unlike the haphazard way that many americans regard it. Was I stupid to expect my Nigerian (Yoruba) husband to remain 100% faithful?

I did knowmy husband looked at women now and then, but he is a man with eyes- even I can acknowledge when a beautiful woman is passing.

i thought he probably flirted a little when he went out with the guys- that's what men do- just as we women might prance a little or act coy when its Girls Night Out.

So I never required hime to be a SAINT, but I never ever ever ever thought he would actually stoop so low as to pursue a woman.

I think his best friends influence is partly to blame.

His best friend- I know for a fact is a cheater because he cheated on his wife (then fiance) with my own friend. i have known this guy and respected him- only because he is important to my husband. This so-called friend is a boyhood friend of his from Nigeria - and basically his only "family" beside me and our kids. So I understand and accepted the attachment- no matter how juvenile it seemed at times.

But EVERY SINGLE TIME he comes to visit us from his state - My husband ends up going to a strip club, or partying all night til 5am in the morning, or something else that creates strife between us later. for instance, even when he has been texting, talking or on the phone with this guy I know because my husband will always deal with me more harshly- and act like a STEREOTYPCIAL AFRICAN MAN. You know - "i am man hear me roar, stay out my way, feed me, do this, do that, bend over and give me some ynash when I call."

I TRIED to be understanding-- he rarely gets to see his best friend- and usually that means i only have to put up with this nonsense ^{once or twice} a year for just a few days - so I NATURALLY EXPECT they would hang out - go partying- but I also expected them to still remember they are married men, and not the bachelor's from their youth.


My husband has american, and other African (Non-nigerian) guy friends that hang out together and do guy stuff, but when his best friend is in town- then its always the damn strip clubs, phone calls go unanswered, staying out to the wee hours of the morning, and mysterious phone numbers on napkins.

My point is, [font=Lucida Sans Unicode][/font][color=#990000][/color]My husband told me - he met this woman at a club a year ago. This happens to be the SAME TIME his best friend last visited. I do partially blame his friend. My husband is grown and able to make his own decisions, but I also expect TRUE FRIENDS to lead you NOT into temptation. I expect DECENT FRIENDS to discourage such behavior.

I want to BAN this guy (the best friend) from my home- because he is a cheat and has always been one as far back as i can remember. His dad had four wives - and though he talks the talk that one wife is enough wahala - that does not keep him from being a habitual womanizer.
And I really think it has been his intent all along to get my husband to cheat also - so that he can tease my husband finally that his life is not as perfect as he always acts.

this guy is supposed to be his best friend- but he has always competed with my husband , even when my husband never knew there was a so-called competition in progress. If my husband got promoted on his job- the best friend would say "congratulations, but is that all they are paying you?" If my husband says he is picking out a gift for me- his friend would reply- "my wife won't go for that cheap stuff- she only accepts quality things."

If my husband is proud that I have lost weight - his reply was "I'm lucky o - i never had to stress about that - my wife has always kept her body tight".

I know I am rambling- again -sorry - I am just venting -

Do you think I am justified and within my rights to ban the best friend or require that we ALL Ago out together or not at all?

Why don't you see a therapist, that way you get it all out of your system. You still love your Husband and i'm sure you don't want to transfer negative emotions on your kids. If you keep the rage inside, nothing good will come of it and no matter how hard he works at gaining your trust, you'll never accept it.

I wouldn't encourage creating some kind of emotional distance, because i would think it might be the beginning of a more permanent separation. Do the best you can, and carry him along no matter what. Good luck ~

Your husband is a good man from what I read. He only gives you few of those headache once/twice a year when there are men out there you think are better that will make your head blow up giving you full doze drama atleast trice a week. Its only human to make mistakes and he admitted it. FOrgive him and move on. I dont see any reason you should try to ban his friend. Though you may stylishly and intelligently have a discussion with him. Not confront him like in fight. YOu can let him know how you feel everytime he makes your husband go to strip clubs.

I party but not strip clubs I know I'm not a saint myself and some situations are so bleeped up. THe only times I cheated are when my brains are so bleeped up in shit mess places/parties. And when I see my friend doing shit you know I can't be like I wanna drive home to get my own f*ck. So I tag along even could end up in a Bleep . And fucking make sure no paper trace. Its better and best to cheat perfectly then let your woman get bleeped over the taught after discovering.

To be candid sh*t happens!!!! I'm not trying to say what he did was right but damn there are uglier situations. Keep supporting him, pray with him and hope for the best. There is nothing out there. You might get from frying pan to fire for real. I think my baby mama would think I'm a perfectly cool good guy but if she ever know any of those up there happened what do you think she'll be thinking? I care 100% about her and the kids and always try to be there but the mess shit happened

it can take years to get over the pain of infidelity

it is well o.

Akata, you are behaving just like my girlfriend when she saw a text i sent to a girl on my sent list from my phone and then she started acting like the world has crumbled and has never trusted me again. The truth is that you women need to understand that cheating is a mans nature.I advice you to try as much as possible to forget about the incident and enjoy your marriage.

$ammy:

Akata, you are behaving just like my girlfriend when she saw a text i sent to a girl on my sent list from my phone and then she started acting like the world has crumbled and has never trusted me again. The truth is that you women need to understand that cheating is a mans nature.I advice you to try as much as possible to forget about the incident and enjoy your marriage.

'

HEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!

Please cheating is not good and I in no way support it but shit happens though. And when it happens you need to move on. Thats my point up there and not supporting a man/woman to cheat

Cheating is in a man's nature?!!

i think, that cheating- is like LOVE. BOTH of them are choices. You choose to love someone. You choose to fly across the fucking country to visit a girl - to cheat. This was no happenstance- like they were co-workers working late into the night on something-- This was a very deliberate act- and that is why it hurt.

But I will get over it eventually. I do choose to forgive him. I just don't trust him anymore. And, and sometimes I just get sad when something reminds me of it. like we are driving- and I see a hotel that is the same as the one he went to. Or if the city he went to was mentioned.

Anyways - Thanks for all your input. I will enjoy my marriage - and pray God heal my heart completely. Amen.

so u forgave him because,

I'm laughing really hard at this thread.

^^^^^^ So you are laughing at the thread? Thats all you can contribute- shove it down your arse hole if you dont have nothing to say, whats funny about someone's predicament?

Poster - remember, if men were God, noone will see His amazing grace, grace to forgive, grace to forget, grace to make heaven- you sure need that grace, seek for it, it is a great virtue.