Dear Familylanders,
I look forward to sincere advice and criticisms from notable contributors on this mind-boggling issue as you guys always do.
I had to create a new monicker for this 'cos of its urgency. I am in a relationship with one of the few good men we have left in the world today..I am not ready to trade him for anything that might want to pose as a threat to" US" so am willing to clear "obstacles" our path.
Now, my BF is a courteous, dedicated, nice, intelligent young man who was brought up to have good moral values and respect for people. One of his weakness is that he is a people-pleaser. Also, He can be influenced easily. When I met him, I prayed to God for revelations about him and God showed me in the dream that an older woman was holding him in a discussion, the older woman was talking me down before my BF. When I woke up I couldn't place the meaning of the dream..I informed him about it and he couldn't understand too.
My BF is also a final year part time student and he's really proactive in his studies.this has earned him lots of admiration from many students. Now there's an older married lady he met in school who he's been close with he refers to her as his "school mother" he helps her out with assignments, tests and run menial errands for her.in turn this lady also doles out gifts to him, once housed him for months when he had accommodation issues. They got really close that the woman discusses her marital issues with him(her husband is a sales rep who travels a lot), they would gist and gist all day back when he was squatting there.All of these my BF told me about her but I dint see any harm in it.
When we newly met and my BF introduced me to her, the next day, this lady warned my BF against showing me much affection and bla bla ..I still didn't regard it to be an issue and the understanding of the dream I had was not still clear. Because they are close, my BF at the slight opportunity to ward off boredom, would go to her house and pass the night there and they would gist and gist like no tomorrow and resume at work d ff morning.
and she often request that my BF also come around and "play with her"
Recently, heard she was ill and they were to start exams and the lady needed some materials for d exam,she asked my BF to come drop it. I was even the one that kept reminding him to go and check on her and to also go say thanks for the foodstuff she got for him. And on the fateful night, we had some argument over the phone on his way to her house which lapsed till late night.
My awakening came when I asked after her and she answered at the background that she's preparing for exams and can't talk! What da heck? I only asked after her and did not request to speak to her. I quickly ended up the call and engaged my BF in a chat instead and the chat was really tense..that night, the Holy Spirit reminded me of my dream about an older lady and I was shocked.I informed BF about it and we eventually resolved our issues.
Eversince that re-awakening, I developed resentment in my heart at the sight of this lady rather than the usual respect. Now my BF sensed it and is trying to be defensive/diplomatic when it comes to her matter. I feel my BF and this older lady have some emotional affairs. BF kinda sees her as " a model for his specs" but trying hard for me not to notice this. This woman's got a strong grip on my Husband to be. Its troubling me. I want to release her strong grip on him. He's such a good material for a Husband.
Please Familylanders, I welcome ideas, criticisms and lashes to reset my BF's mindset to see the concequences of engaging in emotional affairs.

CC: tea roses,
Efemenaxy,
Ewuro4,
Myloveforhim,
Thorpido
5minsmadness and all Familylanders with great inputs on the family section.y'all should help me pls!

No two ways about this.Your boyfriend and this woman have an emotional attachment that goes beyond just being a 'school mother'.
If I may ask,does her husband know about this relationship?His passing the night in her/his house?
There's no doubt this relationship will take a toll on your own relationship with your boyfriend.As it stands now,it's a love triangle.Your boyfriend will be struggling to divide his attention.

You need to have a talk with him and threaten to quit the relationship if he will not put a stop to this relationship.I wonder how he sleeps in the house with a woman whose husband is often away for days/weeks and 'someone is not knocking on the bedroom door deep in the night'.

If he won't put a stop to this relationship,I'm afraid all you have is a love triangle that won't end until the relationship ends.Can you wait till then?

thorpido:
No two ways about this.Your boyfriend and this woman have an emotional attachment that goes beyond just being a 'school mother'.
If I may ask,does her husband know about this relationship?His passing the night in her/his house?
There's no doubt this relationship will take a toll on your own relationship with your boyfriend.As it stands now,it's a love triangle.Your boyfriend will be struggling to divide his attention.

You need to have a talk with him and threaten to quit the relationship if he will not put a stop to this relationship.I wonder how he sleeps in the house with a woman whose husband is often away for days/weeks and 'someone is not knocking on the bedroom door deep in the night'.

If he won't put a stop to this relationship,I'm afraid all you is a love triangle that won't end until the relationship ends.Can you wait till then?

Its clearly evident that there's more to the "school mother" syndrome. The kind of boldness that comes up on him whenever he's in her house is second to none. He picks on me on the phone easily it has happened twice or thereabout. I have u told him point blank that he must never pass a night in that house anylonger and I asked him to choose btw me n her..he promised not to but I am sure another day is awaiting him..the closeness is such that he had an ex that whenever trio go to the library to read, they sideline the 'ex' and they would exchange notes esp the woman, would now be gossiping the 'ex' on a piece of paper..u can imagine that! I need measures, strategies to release this woman's grip on him!

Talk to God about it.Ask Him to reveal to you if this man is His will for you.If you get a conviction about him,ask God to shatter the relationship between them.

Tell your boyfriend you might be stepping back from the relationship if he won't put his acts together.

I asked if the woman's husband knows about the affair and his passing the night in the house?

thorpido:
Talk to God about it.Ask Him to reveal to you if this man is His will for you.If you get a conviction about him,ask God to shatter the relationship between them.

Tell your boyfriend you might be stepping back from the relationship if he won't put his acts together.

I asked if the woman's husband knows about the affair and his passing the night in the house?

Thanks for contributing. I'll go on my knees again to God. BF claims he's a friend of the family and that her husband knows him well. The hubby impregnated someone according to the woman who narrated the story to my BF. she shares her pains with him and prolly BF too does likewise of his past hurts and she keeps 'advising' him.

elevatedbeing:

Thanks for contributing. I'll go on my knees again to God. BF claims he's a friend of the family and that her husband knows him well. The hubby impregnated someone according to the woman who narrated the story to my BF. she shares her pains with him and prolly BF too does likewise of his past hurts and she keeps 'advising' him.

Hmmm................until they find solace in each others' arms.The fact that her husband impregnated someone else is a 'good reason' for her to seek solace somewhere else.
He may be a good man as you say but he's as good as his commitment to your relationship.
If God says he is your man,He will separate them and make him focus on you.If however,he is not the 'one' it is better to let him go.His relationship with this woman is toxic.

thorpido:
Hmmm................until they find solace in each others' arms.The fact that her husband impregnated someone else is a 'good reason' for her to seek solace somewhere else.
He may be a good man as you say but he's as good as his commitment to your relationship.
If God says he is your man,He will separate them and make him focus on you.If however,he is not the 'one' it is better to let him go.His relationship with this woman is toxic.

I'll consider ur advice..thanks a whole lot

Am open to more suggestions and advice...pls keep ur viewpoints coming in! @madam yieldings pls comment o

You aren't yet married to him but already entangling yourself with something that needs releasing. Is a steep road from where you are girl, too early for kabashing/uprooting mehhnn.


You were even sending him to go say thanks, are you really that naive?

Infidelity/cheating comes in two complexions:

1.) Emotional infidelity: When one invests more than appropriate time and/or energy in a member or members of the opposite sex other than one's partner. One could also be said to be emotionally unfaithful if one has a stronger emotional bond with someone other one's better half. Many of us are guilty of this or at least were, but never thought it was a form of infidelity. We must have at some point deposited more emotional coins in the piggybank of one other than our lover. Yes? No? Perhaps we met him-her on the internet or at a party and it so happened that we synched perfectly with them. Yes? No? Any takers?

2.) Physical infidelity: This is the deal-breaker; the form of infidelity which involves sexual intercourse, kissing, and every other physical act of intimacy that you can think of. This usually happens when the excesses of emotional infidelity are not checked. Well, some never bother with the niceties of emotional bonds before they go rolling in the hay with someone other than their partner.

...

What's the point of this little lecture? The point is your BF is still in the first stage -- so breathe in some air of relief.

To salvage the situation, sit him down and blurt out your concerns in no uncertain terms. Tell him you're insecure...whatever at all! Just make him understand you're uncomfortable with his relationship with the woman in question. Tell him your wish is not that he chucks her out of his life, but that he draws a clearly defined line on how far his relations with her can go.

Howbeit you must remember that you met the woman in his life, and that her intent may not be as underhanded as you think; my advise?, tread with the shoes of wisdom and caution.

Good luck.

thorpido:
No two ways about this.Your boyfriend and this woman have an emotional attachment that goes beyond just being a 'school mother'.
If I may ask,does her husband know about this relationship?His passing the night in her/his house?
There's no doubt this relationship will take a toll on your own relationship with your boyfriend.As it stands now,it's a love triangle.Your boyfriend will be struggling to divide his attention.

You need to have a talk with him and threaten to quit the relationship if he will not put a stop to this relationship.I wonder how he sleeps in the house with a woman whose husband is often away for days/weeks and 'someone is not knocking on the bedroom door deep in the night'.

If he won't put a stop to this relationship,I'm afraid all you have is a love triangle that won't end until the relationship ends.Can you wait till then?

Spot on...

Assuming you succeed in terminating this emotional relationship; how does it guarantee that throughout the 50+ years you guys would be married (I am assuming he has proposed since you refer to him as your husband-to-be) he wouldn't get himself emotionally entangled with someone else, since by nature he is a 'people pleaser'?

How certain are you that this is the best man you could get? See, when it comes to marriage, you really cannot use human wisdom to detect who a husband material is. God's leading & direction is what you need; fortunately for you, God reveals hidden things to you, so ask him to reveal if this guy is your husband or not

@Op; WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? For goodness sake, when are you going to wake up and smell the coffee? You ain’t even married to him yet and you are already fighting off another woman from your man due to he’s cheating ways; oh please. Make no mistake, your BF is cheating on you emotionally as it’s not only when someone is caught red handed that it’s termed cheating.

Take a look at a few threads here on family section where the complaint centres on married individuals that are still attached emotionally to other people who aren’t their spouse. I tell you, it all started from not letting go of the individual before they say "I DO". In most instances if not all, the culprit still remains in close contact with the person they are emotional attached to even whilst they are married and because of that selfish action, they continue to hurt their spouse.

The question is, are you ready to fight this long and drawn out battle? Take note that THE ONLY PERSON THAT CAN STOP A CHEAT IS NO ONE ELSE THAN THEMSELVES. THEY ONLY STOP WHEN THEY WANT TO AND NOT BECAUSE YOU OR ANY OTHER PERSON TELLS THEM TO STOP. EVEN IF THE CHEAT CAN CLEARLY SEE THAT THEY ARE HURTING THEIR PARTNER BY GETTING INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE ELSE, IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE TO THEM AS ALL THEY DO IS MAKE SILLY EXCUSES TO JUSTIFY THEIR IRRESPONSIBLE ACTIONS.

If your BF chooses not to let go of his current fling, then think again if you are ready to share him with the other woman. YOUR CHOICE. One simple advice I would give you is to NEVER EVER GET MARRIED TO SOMEONE WHO YOU KNOW IS EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED TO SOMEONE ELSE. AS YOU WILL ALWAYS BE REGARDED AS A SECOND FIDDLE. ITS ANOTHER BALL GAME IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW; BUT IF YOU KNEW AND YOU STILL WENT AHEAD AND MARRY THEM, THEN YOU HAVE NO ONE ELSE TO BLAME BUT YOURSELF. DON'T ALLOW DESPERATION TO PUSH YOU INTO AN UNHAPPY SITUATION WHICH YOU COULD HAVE AVOIDED..

I won’t say whether you should carry on with your BF or let him go as that decision is entirely yours and yours only. Whatever decision you make, you will live with the consequence(s). I know that what I have written is a bit harsh but pardon my harshness as I just don’t want to see you say HAD I KNOWN AND CRY OVER SPILLED MILK. If you're ready to continue to fight for the attention of your BF from the other woman/women, then all the best to you.

I rest my case

Modified

@elevatedbeing, from your response to me, you mentioned that their conversations are that deep; now that says a lot; as this is now gradually turning into a love triangle.

I'm not saying that you or your BF shouldn't have male or female friends; far from it; but being emotionally attached to that friendship is another kettle of fish that shouldn't be ignored nor allowed to foster. There needs to be clear boundaries set and adhered to so as to avoid stories that touch. In your BF's case, the emotionally attachment to this woman is way too much, too strong and far gone from what you've described from your write-up.

You said the lady is pregnant, I hope that pregnancy is not for your BF. I'm not trying to scare you, but do yourself a favour and do your due diligence.

A woman with 5 children from her partner got involved with another man emotionally and she ended up having a child for that man. Another woman I know had 2 children for her husband and again ended up being attached emotionally to another man and she had a child for that man as well. This can happen to men as well as I know of a man who has 2 kids with his wife and ended up being attached emotionally to another woman and that woman now has a child for him.

Sadly, strange things do happen and when you don't have a grip of your emotions against someone who isn't your partner, things can go the wrong way. Don't ignore these clear signs and say it's just a phase that will pass; as you may be right as well as wrong.

I'm just trying to imagine if this were you in this situation and were attached emotionally to another man other than your BF, I wonder how your BF would have felt and how he would have handled the situation. Think about it.

toksbisola:
@Op; WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? For goodness sake, when are you going to wake up and smell the coffee? You ain’t even married to him yet and you are already fighting off another woman from your man due to he’s cheating ways; oh please. Make no mistake, your BF is cheating on you emotionally as it’s not only when someone is caught red handed that it’s termed cheating.

Take a look at a few threads here on family section where the complaint centres on married individuals that are still attached emotionally to other people who aren’t their spouse. I tell you, it all started from not letting go of the individual before they say "I DO". In most instances if not all, the culprit still remains in close contact with the person they are emotional attached to even whilst they are married and because of that selfish action, they continue to hurt their spouse.

The question is, are you ready to fight this long and drawn out battle? Take note that THE ONLY PERSON THAT CAN STOP A CHEAT IS NO ONE ELSE THAN THEMSELVES. THEY ONLY STOP WHEN THEY WANT TO AND NOT BECAUSE YOU OR ANY OTHER PERSON TELLS THEM TO STOP. EVEN IF THE CHEAT CAN CLEARLY SEE THAT THEY ARE HURTING THEIR PARTNER BY GETTING INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE ELSE, IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE TO THEM AS ALL THEY DO IS MAKE SILLY EXCUSES TO JUSTIFY THEIR IRRESPONSIBLE ACTIONS.

If your BF chooses not to let go of his current fling, then think again if you are ready to share him with the other woman. YOUR CHOICE. One simple advice I would give you is to NEVER EVER GET MARRIED TO SOMEONE WHO YOU KNOW IS EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED TO SOMEONE ELSE. AS YOU WILL ALWAYS BE REGARDED AS A SECOND FIDDLE. ITS ANOTHER BALL GAME IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW; BUT IF YOU KNEW AND YOU STILL WENT AHEAD AND MARRY THEM, THEN YOU HAVE NO ONE ELSE TO BLAME BUT YOURSELF. DON'T ALLOW DESPERATION TO PUSH YOU INTO AN UNHAPPY SITUATION WHICH YOU COULD HAVE AVOIDED..

I won’t say whether you should carry on with your BF or let him go as that decision is entirely yours and yours only. Whatever decision you make, you will live with the consequence(s). I know that what I have written is a bit harsh but pardon my harshness as I just don’t want to see you say HAD I KNOWN AND CRY OVER SPILLED MILK. If you're ready to continue to fight for the attention of your BF from the other woman/women, then all the best to you.

I rest my case

Many thanks Toksbisola...this would go a long way in shaping my decisions. Its actually not yet a fling...their emotions are involved but way too deep..emotional attachment hurt even more than physical infidelity. They share too deep convos that are meant for lovers only if they've gotten to the physical infidelity stage is what's unclear to me..all the same I appreciate this!
Pls keep the criticisms coming in! It will help me do away with the rel asap.

4tunebest:
Assuming you succeed in terminating this emotional relationship; how does it guarantee that throughout the 50+ years you guys would be married (I am assuming he has proposed since you refer to him as your husband-to-be) he wouldn't get himself emotionally entangled with someone else, since by nature he is a 'people pleaser'?

How certain are you that this is the best man you could get? See, when it comes to marriage, you really cannot use human wisdom to detect who a husband material is. God's leading & direction is what you need; fortunately for you, God reveals hidden things to you, so ask him to reveal if this guy is your husband or not

Thanks 4tunebest, he's emotionally vulnerable and that's a red flag truly. The H/S revealed that to me in no time that there's an older woman out there but I couldn't place the meaning of the dream for a long time until recently when she gave me dt attitude on the phone. I believe in Him to do more revelations..Thanks once again

DarkRebel101:
Infidelity/cheating comes in two complexions:

1.) Emotional infidelity: When one invests more than appropriate time and/or energy in a member or members of the opposite sex other than one's partner. One could also be said to be emotionally unfaithful if one has a stronger emotional bond with someone other one's better half. Many of us are guilty of this or at least were, but never thought it was a form of infidelity. We must have at some point deposited more emotional coins in the piggybank of one other than our lover. Yes? No? Perhaps we met him-her on the internet or at a party and we synched perfectly. No? Yes?

2.) Physical infidelity: This is the deal-breaker; the form of infidelity which involves sexual intercourse, kissing, and every other physical act of intimacy that you can think of. This usually happens when the excesses of emotional infidelity are not checked. Well, some never bother with the niceties of emotional bonds before they go rolling in the hay with someone other than their partner.

...

What's the point of this little lecture? The point is your BF is still in the first stage -- so breathe in some air of relief.

To salvage the situation, sit him down and blurt out your concerns in no uncertain terms. Tell him you're insecure...whatever at all! Just make him understand you're uncomfortable with his relationship with the woman in question. Tell him your wish is not that he chucks her out of his life, but that he draws a clearly defined line on how far his relations with her can go.

Howbeit you must remember that you met the woman in his life, and that her intent may not be as underhanded as you think; my advise?, tread with the shoes of wisdom and caution.

Good luck.

I hinge my conviction about this older woman's evil intent on the revelation I had when I first prayed about BF..It was clear! That her intent may not be as underhanded is a big lie. The Holy Spirit showed that to me as the warning sign of an existing "other woman" in his life. Thanks for analyzing physical and emotional infidelity, and thanks for the advice.

byvan03:
You aren't yet married to him but already entangling yourself with something that needs releasing. Is a steep road from where you are girl, too early for kabashing/uprooting mehhnn.


You were even sending him to go say thanks, are you really that naive?

Byvan, I couldn't see any of her moves as threatening, the gifts et al until I had this lil disagreement with him while she was there. She gave the attitude that awakened me and my Revelation from God starred at me in the face that she's the woman that's posing as a stumbling block btw us...thanks I am happy u conveyed ur tots to me.

elevatedbeing:

I hinge my conviction about this older woman's evil intent on the revelation I had when I first prayed about BF..It was clear! That her intent may not be as underhanded is a big lie. The Holy Spirit showed that to me as the warning sign of an existing "other woman" in his life.
Thanks for analyzing physical and emotional infidelity, and thanks for the advice.

You're welcome.

...

I don't really believe in dreams and prophesies, but if you're certain a divine revelation has warned you to guard against this woman, then who am I that I should meddle in the affairs of God? Instruct him immediately to chuck her out!

I just hope it's a valid revelation and not your mind dribbling you with one of the tricks up its tweed sleeves.

Your boyfriend is a _pussy.

No offence

-

How do you define an older woman?

How old is she? Is she a young wife? Married to a young man, with kids or without kids?

All these school mother, school father, school husband, school children sef....
Where did the idea of this school family start from?
School mother in the University too?

you need to calm down.... if you want to keep this relationship you need to act smooth, calm like never before.... dont argue or fight 'cause its only going to kill the relationship if you act like you want them to scatter NOW...
guys are funny people when you hold on to them very tight they want to be freed..... when you act like you cant be bothered you just dont care.... they start asking questions like does she still love me

i would advice you to be silent like silence is a very powerful tool... dont act like you can see them...

Yieldings:
Gurrrl...


I've a lengthy reply for you, but questions, first:

-Do you think you're in a God-ordained r/ship? Or have you received divine confirmation that this guy is yours?

-Are you afraid to lose him? This question might seem simple but it's even more important than the above.

The divine confirmation that He's mine?- No, only rev of "another woman"
If I am afraid to lose him, I am not sure of my feelings about that but I won't be left with any choice than to leave him cos I can't imagine a triangle rel involving me and the older lady...I await ur lengthy reply. thanks

Acidosis:
How do you define an older woman?

How old is she? Is she a young wife? Married to a young man, with kids or without kids?

This woman in question should be btw 32-35 yrs with four kids already and even preggy at the moment. Her first kid is 9yrs old..

Winneygirl:
All these school mother, school father, school husband, school children sef....
Where did the idea of this school family start from?
School mother in the University too?

@ winneygirl I tire for university school mother syndrome ooo! That's how he puts it to people. God help person o

Ishilove:
Your boyfriend is a _pussy.
No offence

_ pussy monger right? Funny but just true!

baddestchic:
you need to calm down.... if you want to keep this relationship you need to act smooth, calm like never before.... dont argue or fight 'cause its only going to kill the relationship if you act like you want them to scatter NOW...
guys are funny people when you hold on to them very tight they want to be freed..... when you act like you cant be bothered you just dont care.... they start asking questions like does she still love me

i would advice you to be silent like silence is a very powerful tool... dont act like you can see them...

Hmmm at calm down...ok. thanks

elevatedbeing:

This woman in question should be btw 32-35 yrs with four kids already and even preggy at the moment. Her first kid is 9yrs old..

Do you really think your man can go as far as sleeping with a pregnant 35 year old woman with 4 kids?


Like you said earlier, he's not financially buoyant. He might be helping out with household stuffs, assignments, tutorials for her kids, and other related tasks.

How sure are you that your man will survive, financially, if he quits?

What if the woman decides to employ him officially as a P.A?

Acidosis:


Do you really think your man can go as far as sleeping with a pregnant 35 year old woman with 4 kids?


Like you said earlier, he's not financially buoyant. He might be helping out with household stuffs, assignments, tutorials for her kids, and other related tasks.

How sure are you that your man will survive, financially, if he quits?

What if the woman decides to employ him officially as a P.A?

What are u saying Acidosis? What's not possible on this earth? We talking about a lady whom he's been close with and lived under the same roof for close to 6months(. Prolly before the pregnancy)..the hubby hardly comes home.hubby is in a scandal of impregnating another woman too. Where do u think she'll get her solace from other than the man she sees everyday for 6months? BF has a job now and is not depended on her but back then he wasn't working so he might v depended. Now, This woman only entices with the gifts and company (miss u stuffs) Nothing is impossible under the sun ke.
The ish is actually on emotional cheating.they've gotten deep into sharing deep stuffs but I still keep wondering how a woman would be relaying her marital life with a guy and would not be emotional about it.women burst into tears easily and BF could v just "pacified" her someway.

elevatedbeing:

Byvan, I couldn't see any of her moves as threatening, the gifts et al until I had this lil disagreement with him while she was there. She gave the attitude that awakened me and my Revelation from God starred at me in the face that she's the woman that's posing as a stumbling block btw us...thanks I am happy u conveyed ur tots to me.

Consider every female that isnt blood related a potential threat .