My dad died when I was two. I don’t remember him at all but I have pictures. My mum married my step father when I was 5, so he was the father I knew. My life was a privileged one, I grew up with drivers and cooks and absent parents. It was just me and maybe my cousins sometimes. This meant I could do anything I wanted.

At the age of 17, I started attending private parties. I haven’t lived in Lagos but in Abuja, this was a regular thing amongst rich kids. We grew up too soon and mostly entertained ourselves but at 17, I, like every over exposed teenager was already bored and needed a new way to keep ourselves occupied. A friend’s brother introduced us to this private parties where everything was available from all types of drugs to exotic alcohol. It was fun.

One day, as I got back home from the party, I tried to sneak in through the kitchen, I saw my step-dad sniffing perfectly laid cocaine. Of course I knew what it was, I had seen it many times at the party. He didn’t panic, he just looked through me as I walked away to my room. I didn’t know what to think, I didn’t know if i should tell my mum what I saw, So I slept off.

I still don’t know what time it was but I woke up to my him slightly tapping my feet. I was immediately alert and he told me to “relax”. “Don’t tell your mum what you saw in the kitchen, I’ll give you some if you promise to keep quiet” He opened his hand to show me a small sachet almost filled with white powder. Did I want some? I wasn’t sure but if my dad was offering cocaine to me, it couldn’t be as bad as people said. So I took it from him. He said, “go ahead, try it.” So I put some on my index finger and sniffed it like I’ve seen people at the party do. I had seen people at the club rub some on their teeth too, and in the movies as well, so I did the same thing. It didn’t taste nice and my mouth and the back of my throat went numb. I waited a while but I didn’t feel any high as with alcohol.

My step dad asked me to try it again, so I repeated the routine. He did the same and after a while, he started kissing me. It didn’t feel right but my muscles had become really relaxed and I remember he asked me “are you a virgin?”. I said “No, I’m not”. We had sex, I was numb but I knew what was happening. That first night, he chanted “I love you. What we’re doing is special, every father does it to the daughter they care about. what we’re doing is special. If you tell anyone, you will die”. This continued for 4 years, (even when I knew I wasn’t going to die if I said anything to anyone), every night when I was in Nigeria and every time he visited me in school abroad. I used cocaine with him and without him. I became an addict, I didn’t care. I felt like filth and the only way to not think was to keep using.

Nothing significant happened, I just woke up one day and knew I had to change my life. So I went to my aunt (who was my guardian abroad) and told her everything. The next day, she put me in a rehab and visited me everyday but all I wanted was my mum. I spent three months in rehab and sent my mother a mail every day without getting a response from her. My aunt told me she said she could never forgive me. But she was still with my step dad, that really confused me. How can she forgive him but not me?

It’s been over 5 years I got out of Rehab, I’m doing great at my job with means to do drugs if I wanted but I’m not going back there. I am super proud of myself. my mother has still not spoken to me. My step father sent me two emails threatening me which I forwarded to my mum. Still, silence from her end. It’s okay, life goes on, one thing I know for sure, I’ll do better with my child.

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