BismiLLAH, AlhamduliLLAH

SHE CALLED HER, "SELFISH FIRST WIFE" !!!

●How exactly did we expect the first wives, who are also Muslim sisters to live when all we do is to call their pain "unreal" when all we do is to forsake them while the only thing they truly need is understanding, a shoulder to cry on, someone to tell them, "take heart, sorry, after hardship surely comes relief, don't worry ALLAH will relieve you of this stress and pain."

Aren't we senior hypocrites if we pretend to care so much about the Muslim Ummah yet we only allow ourselves to see the pain of the single lonely sisters, the poor widows and divorcees but the pain and hardships of the first wives is invalid, according to us, it shouldn't even exist, in fact the first wives must be mad to experience that.

Imagine a first wife crying extremely profusely to me and asking me to recommend a dua'a that can heal her pain. She said she believes that there is no hardships that ALLAH cannot bring an end to, she laments that she only needs *comfort* and an end to her pain. So I recommend the dua'a of prophet Ayub to her.

So how come the hurt of these women does not count, how come? You throw a Muslimah into an endless bout of hardship because you seek to end the misery of a Muslimah, yet the Muslimah you threw into an endless bout of hardship shouldn't feel that hardship somehow, abi?

I have seen a woman who sought divorce from her husband after he took a second wife, then she went ahead to be a second wife *immediately.* That looked like madness to me, so I asked why?

She said; Ever since her husband took a second wife her life has lost happiness and the happiness was replaced by extreme and excessive unbearable hurt and pain.

She continued by saying: "Did you know what worsens this? My former husband's second wife called me a transgressor when she caught me crying and lamenting due to my difficulty in polygyny. All the people I ever know said to me: 'Your difficulties are signs of weakness in faith, how could you be in pain! It is not permissible to be in pain!' I wondered what they are all talking about it was only my Mum that said 'I know this is difficult, May ALLAH grant you ease' those simple words are a great deal of comfort to me, ALLAH used those words to save me from an impending mental health break down, everyone kept informing me of how selfish I am for not wanting happiness for my sister in Islam.

By ALLAH my pain and hardships in polygyny is nothing compared to the pain and hardships of the cruel words coming out from the mouth of everyone that I seek human comfort from, it was like a knife is been used to stab an open wound, definitely that is more painful than the initial wound.

*No one*, I mean absolutely no one cared for me, they kept on breaking me down more and more with every opportunity they get.

My former husband is the worst human being I ever know, he would call me a disbeliever and a selfish woman while I cry. He would say, I should want for my sister what I want for myself. What confuses me is that I heard that Sheikh Salih Al Fawzaan said in one of his tape that, "the difficulty and hardships of women in polygyny is only natural and it is not a sign of depletion in Imaan"

By ALLAH, I only need comfort from my husband, he describes the pain of my lonely cowife to me and he said I am a devil for feeling pain because he has helped a poor lonely sister. I looked around me and I found out that the only person people cared about is the poor lonely sister. I see my cowife enjoying the bliss of marriage while I am condemned to sadnesss that will probably never end, and I am just 36 years of age. I just wondered, will I remain sad for the remaining of the decades that remains for me in life? I am desperate to feel loved, and be cared for.

One morning I just woke up to find my neighbor whose husband got a second wife complaining about how difficult her life is in polygyny. I tried to convince my husband that my pain is not selfishness and it is valid because I heard my neighbor describing the exact same thing that I have been going through.

Interestingly, my husband said "stupid ungrateful first wives depressing each other, RUBBISH!!!" For a seconds I almost started crying again but all of a sudden I picked myself up and his statement made sense to me, that was when I realized that being a first wife is a curse and I demanded for divorce immediately and I was granted I was so happy when he didn't even try to revoke the divorce.

I think he was shocked to see that I demanded for divorce and he doesn't want to bruise his male ego by convincing me to stay. Whatever his reasons were to grant me the divorce with so much ease I don't even care, all that matters to me is to also be pampered and cared for and that is why I insist that being a second wife is the only reason I will be cared for in this world hence I pursued my dream.

Immediately I got out of the marriage I started stopping by every Masjid and groups of Muslims I could find, I started telling them that I am available to be a second wife. Before I know it, the influx of attention I got made me angry at myself for choosing to be a first wife in the first place. I was so much enjoying myself, with the multiple interest shown in me. I don't even care about the first wife of the men that are flocking around me. As much as I am concerned I am not the one that cursed them to be a first wife. In fact I made my choice with no rushing at all. And to be honest I don't care about what anyone have to say because as you can see I am now enjoying my life."

And that was the story of a first wife turned second wife. I however asked her what about the kids? She said "I fought with reckless abandon to gain their custody, and I gained it. I don't care about anyone anymore, my life as a first wife taught me to *only* care about myself because no one else will care for me"

I asked, how did you manage to see a man to marry you with kids? She replied; "I took them to my Mum, my Mum love my kids and my Mum has been lonely since my Dad's death, so that arrangement worked out great for everyone"

By ALLAH beneath all those rugged exterior I can sense a bitter woman. A woman that has been transformed from a gentle innocent soul to a difficult human being that only cares for herself even if that means destroying other people's lives.

She laughed an evil laugh when I asked her, is she not truly selfish now? She said, "you know what? If people call me selfish now, I will gladly answer. It hurts to be accused of selfishness when I am honestly just hurting and I need comfort. It is like accusing a good person of theft, the sorrow from wrong accusations can lead to an early grave. But if you call a thief, a thief, it makes no difference. Call me selfish now and it makes no difference because I am unapologetically selfish now. I only look after my own happiness nowadays."

The last question, I asked is that; "don't you think that it will be better to divorce and look after your kids, why do you think it is a must to marry again before you will be happy?"

She said "Will my kids kiss and cuddle me?"

So I just kept quiet.

________________________

While I do not agree with her belief that being a first wife is a curse and her choice to be selfish, I however understand the depth of her pain.

My point exactly is that there are alot of problems going on in our society today because we choose to insist that a natural difficulty must not exist.

Anyone who has read my article titled "The nature of polygyny" will understand me more. Does the fact ALLAH permits circumcision and child birth makes them less painful? Polygyny is permissible in Islam but it comes with it difficulties.

Women who give birth with no difficulty whatsoever are the exceptions to the norm, not the norm. And as such we should not judge women who experience difficulties in polygyny because there are some women who do not experience any form of hardship in polygyny, these women are the exceptions to the norm but they are not the norm.

We should learn to admit the validity of the pain of the first wives by learning from the story of a sister who narrated that; for first three years in polygyny she was always in and out of the offices of mental health specialist because of the excessive trauma she is going through. She said her husband is her pillar of strength, her supporter, her comforter and her sabaab for complete healing.

She said she admired the commitment of her husband, because while he was trying to ensure that she gets better, he was also giving the second wife her rights.

She has been in polygyny for 11 years, the first three years were very rough but outside that she has been enjoying a blissful marriage after those first three years of hardship, she said she thought she will never get better but she did get better.

I met this woman on a forum, she always advocate for polygyny. I was interested in her and I got to know her story.

Can we also compare her husband with men that call their first wives SHAYTANA because of their natural pain?

As long as we insist that polygyny must not cause hardships for the first wife we will continue to have problems as an Ummah. As much as it is not possible to tell a woman in the labour room not to hurt, it is insanity to ask a first wife not to hurt in polygyny.

Just last week a woman messaged me from The Philippines asking me to suggest the best therapist to visit because she is desperate to get over her difficulty in polygyny. I told her, I am in Nigeria and I know nothing about therapists in the Philippines. That is another example of a first wife who is trying to get over the difficulty that according to some people shouldn't exist.

Even if it shouldn't exist it is existing so what can we do to manage it? Being cruel? Definitely not! I think kindness to first wives is also required as much as lonely sisters need it.

Finally, I am not trying to make light of the hardships of lonely sisters. I am only trying to ensure that we do not cause more problems while trying to solve a problem. Polygyny is permitted by ALLAH, as much as it solves major problems in the society it comes with its own hardships.

● In case you have read my article titled "In the depth of heart" and you feel that I am an advocate of second wives, suddenly you read this one too and you are wondering; Is she an advocate of first wives? Know that, Hamidah does not advocate for, nor against polygyny, I am only interested in polygyny as I am interested in agriculture.

May ALLAH grant us understanding.

© HAMIDAH BINT ABBAS

@ hamidahbintabbas.com

A beautiful article indeed, may Allaah ease the affair of the women that are going through the hardship of polygyny......

AbdelKabir:
A beautiful article indeed, may Allaah ease the affair of the women that are going through the hardship of polygyny......

Amin

.

BismiLLAH
In case you will like to read all my published articles, visit this thread:
https://www.nairaland.com/4112695/polygamy-polygyny-should-live-second

BismiLLAH, AlhamduliLLAH

*HE ASKED!

"Hamidah, what makes you interested in polygyny?"

I replied,

"Curiousity!!"

The same curiosity bestowed by ALLAH that made me interested in Agriculture as a child while most people hate it. The same curiosity that made me interested in STOVES, without any reason.

///Read more from me on: https://mobile.facebook.com/hamidahbintabbas/?v=feed&_rdr ///

Did you know that I was once curious about a country full of mountains of Ice - glaciers, that country is called GREENLAND located in the continent - North America.

I read so much about this country to the extent that I mastered their map, I know every street and corners of their country. I am extremely versed in their current affairs. I connect with their citizens from the internet.

In fact curiosity does wonder. One of my teachers. Mallam Rasheed Hashim (May ALLAH preserve him) do call me - "The ever curious girl"

Polygyny is just one of those things I am curious about. The fact that I write on it has nothing to do with my background nor emotions. People ask me, "Are you married?" "Are you the first or second wife?" "Are your parents polygynous?" Kindly know and note that all these are not necessary. This is just a girl reproducing the information she has gathered during her curiosity inspired research on polygyny.

I have been curious about so many things so why am I writing specifically on polygyny? I am writing specifically on polygyny because I have come to realize that 99% of discussions on polygyny are totally in opposition to my findings during my days of research on polygyny. I am writing on polygyny so as to benefit people with the correct perception on most aspects of the subject that has been misunderstood grossly in our society. I am writing on polygyny so as to present information that will address most of the societal ills caused by the abuse of polygyny.

I can also choose to start writing on Greenland as well. But I have no societal ill to prevent if I should write on Greenland. The difference between my curiosity on polygyny and Greenland is that information gathered while researching on polygyny can solve a lot of societal ills while information gathered while researching on Greenland will only entertain.

I don't know why it is so difficult for people to believe that my works on polygyny is born out of pure curiosity, no emotional attachment nor detachment. Just spelling it out as it is.

I have gathered so much information on the subject. I have interacted with so many women in polygyny. I have read from a very large number of women in polygyny. So whenever I make submission on the subject kindly note that it is informed from data collected from more than seven years of relentless research. Passive research since 2009 and active research since 2011 up till date. You can call me precocious if you wish.

The point I am trying to drive in is that when I make submissions on polygyny it is not based on wishful thinking it is actually based on actual information gathered. Take for example, in one of my articles, I stated that some women are exited about their husband's second marriage, they celebrate it and they are sincerely happy about it. A sister in Islam got extremely angry with me. She told me to Shut up! She said, "Are you even married?" What do you know? There is no woman who will celebrate her husband's second marriage, they can just be pretending"

What she doesn't realize is that, I have actually read from women from across the globe through the internet that are jubilant about their husband's second marriage in my years of active research. I can sense the pretense of the pretenders and I know the originality of the jubilant when I meet them. One thing that is common between all the women that are jubilant about their husband's second marriage is that they are involved in the selection process of the new wife. To them polygyny means adding a sister to the family, it doesn't only mean their husband is getting a second wife. They call the woman "sisterwife" That is she is a sister to them and a wife to their husband.

This practice is common among HEBREW ISRAELITE and SOME Muslims. Hebrew Israelite are not ISREALIS if you call them Isrealis they will not like it. They follow the Torah and there are very great similarities between them and Muslims. They are neither Christians nor Jews. But they are not popular at all.

They build a family with the "sisterwife". They usually love their sisterwives. They do everything together from cooking to upbringing the children together. They eat together as a family. To them if their husband have intimacy with their sisterwife they will be happy that two important people in their life are having a nice time. To them if you ask them to name their family members they name their sisterwife before they name their husband or children.

To buttress my point, let me narrate a tale; There is a woman who is very angry with her husband because he has refused to be polygynous. She cried that he is denying her "the blessings of a sisterwife" But the husband argued that he can't imagine himself in an emotional intimacy with another woman, he said can't his wife have a sister without involving him in it. He believes his life is perfect as it is, he said, the thought of an additional marriage is completely overwhelming. Because it means a new set of emotions to deal with. He said he thinks it is his wife who wants a relationship with the sisterwife, he will only gain an additional sex partner, as for the relationship he is not interested.

Interestingly, his wife called him "selfish" for not wanting happiness for her because she needs a sisterwife in her life to truly feel complete. When asked for the reason behind her desperation to have a sisterwife. She said she has always dreamed of another female in her family, who she will share her life with, not just a friend but a family because friends will invest more in their family. She said she is the only daughter while growing up.

That is a tale depicting the reality of some other people. Another entirely strange dimension to polygyny. It is strange but it is the reality of some other people.

Whenever I present the results of my research, I get asked: "Are you even married?" I beg to say I don't have to be a fish to know how to swim. In addition, Must I be a Greenlander before I will be qualified to talk about Greenland? Does the fact that I am not married invalidate the data I have gathered? Will it make any difference if a married human being have gathered the same data?"

For those who query the validity of the information I provide, with this article I will like to make it clear again that all the information I provide while I write on polygyny is based on the data from my research and it is detached from emotions because it is born out of PURE curiosity. You might wonder, "How is that possible?" Well, that is a mercy from ALLAH.

Please whenever you see anything on polygyny from me please know that it is a piece written with the intention to educate and stabilize the society. It has nothing to do with attacking men and women in polygyny.

I have published this piece because of the need to make my intention for writing on polygyny very clear so that people will read with the right mindset. A lot of people have been asking me my ORIGINAL aim for writing on polygyny. Lolest. My aim again is to solve societal problems by educating on the concept. May ALLAH grant us understanding.

In conclusion, for those asking me to write about me, I will write in Nursery school format. My name is Hamidah Bint Abbas, My Dad's name is Dr Abbas bn Adetunji, my Mum's name is Hajia Asiyah Bint Adepoju. I am blessed with shinning siblings. I was born on Yaomal Ar'bia, 22, Rabiu thanni, 14? Hmmmmmm that is a secret. A graduate of the blessed Al-Hikmah Nursery and Primary school, Olorunsogo Ibadan. A graduate of Ummul-Qura High School, Amuloko Ibadan. A fellow of the world Bank of Agricultural Excellence, Federal University of Agriculture, Abeokuta, FUNAAB Pre-degree program. A 300 Level student of the department of Plant Physiology and Crop Production, FUNAAB. A student of Umm Hameedah's school of life. A student of Abu Hameedah's circle of learning. An explorer of Shaykul Internetee, Al-Google bn Google.

With this I hope I have been able to convince you and not to confuse you about myself. May ALLAH increase His blessings on my parents.

© HAMIDAH BINT ABBAS

@ hamidahbintabbas.com

I want to appreciate you all for the comments and stories.

I want to be brief about my relationship issue. Dating my gf about 7 years ago was mad fun because we always want to be around each other and sex live was dope. Now we are married and I always be the one to ask for sex and If i don't ask for days she won't bother. The new excuse she gives now is that she is tired I should allow her to sleep. She knows from onset that i love making love and that is one of the reasons i decided to spend the rest of my life with her. I do the working and she stays home taking care of the children. I don't complain about anything because I love her with my life and I can't afford to cheat on her. Some months ago I was tempted to the point of cheating on her that I even ask for friends with benefit on BOM but I couldn't do it because of my conscience. Whenever we make love its always on point but before the sex I have to beg. I don't know if she doesn't love me as she used to. I take good care of her and I always treat her like the queen that she is. Always go on vacation during holidays Europe and America. Buy her what ever she wants but I still feel am losing her. Pls advise BOM on what to do and I know she doesn't cheat on me or have any relationship out there. We are still young am 32 and she is 30. i still love my wife and don't want to loose her. pls keep my ID private.

The hardship Many women feel in polygamy is the same nhardship they feel in other abusive marriage. Women need to stregthen themselves to face hurdles of life. Do not go through life planning to lean on anybody. Why many of these women are breaking down is because they are unrealistic in their expectations. If they had married muslim men with realistic expectations, they will not be o affected by the other marriages. There are many second and third and fourth wives that go through depression in polygamy - all because their expectations were unrealistic. Another fact you got wrong is that men marry more wives to help the single lonely women- that unfortunately is a very wrong assumption- most men marry to satisfy their lustful desires and not out of altruism. Polygamy no matter how colourful you try to paint it is a dysfuntional family structure- reason why the prophet saw stopped his son-in-law from marrying another wife while his daughter was alive.

The hardship Many muslim women feel in polygamy is the same hardship other women feel in other abusive marriage. Women need to stregthen themselves to face hurdles of life. Do not go through life planning to lean on anybody. Why many of these women are breaking down is because they are unrealistic in their expectations. If they had married muslim men with realistic expectations, they will not be affected by the other marriages.sadness in polygamy is not the exclusive preserve of first wivea.There are many second and third and fourth wives that go through depression in polygamy - all because their expectations were unrealistic. Another fact you got wrong is that men marry more wives to help the single lonely women- that unfortunately is a very wrong assumption- most men marry to satisfy their lustful desires and not out of altruism. Most polygamous marriages today are preceded by adulterous relationships. Polygamy no matter how colourful you try to paint it is a dysfuntional family structure- reason why the prophet saw stopped his son-in-law from marrying another wife while his daughter was alive.

That is why they are violent. They need someone to take out their frustrations on.
I'm sure they'll be relieved of their pains if the husbands put themselves in the shoes of their wives.

animalistic thread

The blame lies solely on most husbands. Most of them fail in their duty and selfish amidst the suffering of the first wife. Both the husband and the second wife should fear Allah.

The first wife is a human being for God's sake. Like you pointed out, she needs to be loved, cared for, show appreciation too. Speaking kind words to her would go a long way in bringing her succour. That he married a second wife does mean that he should neglect the pains of the first wife.
The second wife has part of the blame too. She should fear the day her husband will marry a third wife.
Also, there are polygny marriage not experiencing trouble. I have witnessed it.

boo hoo cry us a river

Nice article.

Just on point. Truly most men use excuse of having a second wife only to fulfill their lustful desire.

After 2 or 3 kids the wife might not be as responsive sexually as she use to be to the husband , he therefore feel rejected and dejected and

Might resort to a second wife to fullfil his carnal needs

uloewa:
Polygamy no matter how colourful you try to paint it is a dysfuntional family structure- reason why the prophet saw stopped his son-in-law from marrying another wife while his daughter was alive.

This is one part of Islam many Muslims lie to themselves about. Polygamy is very very dysfunctional and you only need to take a look at all the stories of step mothers beating and even killing step children and maltreating them. Or wives fighting on a regular basis and employing diabolical means to destroy their co wives happiness.
If a Muslim woman wants to go into marriage and tells her husband she can't share him so no polygamy after tying the nut, Muslims will rebuke her and say she is going against Allah's will and forbidding what Allah has permitted but here is the Prophet of Allah doing the exact same thing just to favor his daughter.

He knew very well that no normal woman is OK with polygamy so he restricted his son in law from having any other wives apart from Fatima.
His reasons were because polygamy would hurt her and what hurts his daughter also hurts him.
What on earth kind of prejudice is that? I mean it wasn't even based on a revelation or anything supernatural, he stopped it simply because he didn't want his daughter to suffer the pain of polygamy but he had no problems asking other men's daughters to stay in polygamous marriages and encouraging other men to marry many wives.

There is no way a woman will love a man and still be at peace watching him shower affection and love on another woman no matter how altruistic she is. It will break her heart every time she witnesses it until she succeeds in killing her love for him.
But why should we care about what women want? Men's desire to sleep with multiple women is more important than their wives peace of mind and happiness.

Islam was not made for women to enjoy ! Women just deceive themselves because they v been indoctrinated with the fear of hellfire and fear of ostracism! The prophet said women were lacking in intelligence , were deficient in religion , would be the majority of people in hellfire , their witness is half that of men , their blood money is less than that of men , could be beaten by their husbands , their sexuality or sexual needs are completely ignored - whereas in Islam men can have four wives and countless slave concubines ( and we all know the more wives a man has the less sex each woman will get ! Yet Allah gave everyone sexual desires ! The list goes on and on . The only reason women point to show how Islam regards women is that men used to bury their female children during the pre - Islamic era and women were not allowed to inherit ! There is absolutely no proof of this except what Islam says - since we know fromislamic history that khadija , the prophets wife inherited from her father/ husband and was one of the richest individuals in pre - Islamic Mecca !

Rchibs:
I want to appreciate you all for the comments and stories.

I want to be brief about my relationship issue. Dating my gf about 7 years ago was mad fun because we always want to be around each other and sex live was dope. Now we are married and I always be the one to ask for sex and If i don't ask for days she won't bother. The new excuse she gives now is that she is tired I should allow her to sleep. She knows from onset that i love making love and that is one of the reasons i decided to spend the rest of my life with her. I do the working and she stays home taking care of the children. I don't complain about anything because I love her with my life and I can't afford to cheat on her. Some months ago I was tempted to the point of cheating on her that I even ask for friends with benefit on BOM but I couldn't do it because of my conscience. Whenever we make love its always on point but before the sex I have to beg. I don't know if she doesn't love me as she used to. I take good care of her and I always treat her like the queen that she is. Always go on vacation during holidays Europe and America. Buy her what ever she wants but I still feel am losing her. Pls advise BOM on what to do and I know she doesn't cheat on me or have any relationship out there. We are still young am 32 and she is 30. i still love my wife and don't want to loose her. pls keep my ID private.

Talk to her about it, let her know exactly how you are feeling.

That is sure to help, make sure you explain it to her diligently

THE DEATH OF MERCY

By Hamidah @ https://mobile.facebook.com/hamidahbintabbas/?v=feed&_rdr

BismiLLAH, Alhamdulillah

ALLAH created us in pair, and for each human whether male or female, he created a spouse. Verily we need a companion in life, humans are created co-dependent, hence ALLAH tells us in His Majesty in Quran 30: 21 ( Suratur - Room) that He has created a spouse for us so that they can be a source of tranquility for us and he has placed love and mercy between us.

Ponder it, ever wonder why the first of mankind Nabi Adam Alayhi salaam never felt complete? Ever wonder despite having everything in paradise he still felt terribly lonely and incomplete? He felt alive and complete for the first time when ALLAH created a wife for him from his mercy. He gained a sense of tranquility that can never be described efficiently enough. In his wife did he find a companion and source of comfort.

Why am I speaking in parables? An incidence came to my hearing wherein a wife built a whole house from foundation to roof without the knowledge of her husband. Why has mercy died from her heart? How could she have done something of such to her spouse. How could she have lived with herself having done such to her companion, her other half.

Why am I furious? I am not furious because the woman has built a house in fact building a house is such a rigourous project that demands so much sacrifice, and anyone successful should be commended. How could she do something so important in her life and her other half have no idea. Should my sister have straight A's and her friend knows before I do? I would feel very hurt that my sister confided in a friend before me. A spouse would be more hurt. Definitely her husband is hurt beyond repair. He insisted that he will divorce her yet he didn't divorce her. His insistence on divorce was not due to the fact that he does not love his wife anymore, it was because his trust was broken and he feels it can never be mended again. He couldn't just understand why his wife would do such a thing to him. He has always celebrated her success with her, he always prayed for more success for her. He has never felt jealous of her achievement rather he has been proud of them. Yet despite his loyalty the only reward his wife gave him is to shut him out of her life completely.

When the wife was asked "why?" She said "I fear he will be hurt, I fear he will be jealous, I fear he will do this, I fear he will do that"

Excuses, just excuses, it will never make sense in my hearing. You should have been realistic and know that, no matter how hurt he might be if you have told him the truth, the betrayal and hurt he would feel if he gets to find out himself will be more. There is no way he will not find out later.

Such is the pain of a man whose wife technically betrayed. Perhaps if we pay more attention to the feelings of our spouse we will try to amplify our mercy a little bit, maybe just maybe we will make a better choice.

Once upon a time there was a man who married a second wife in secrecy. With no doubt whatsoever I am certain that mercy is dead in the heart of this man. Did you know what made matter worse? When his first wife found out and cried her heart out, he barked "the deed has already been done, I have done nothing wrong in Shariah, you lack imaan for crying, seek repentance and accept the decree of ALLAH"

Inalilllah wa ina ilayhi rajiun, in place of this man's heart there is stone. Mercy is dead, buried and had decayed in his heart. How could someone be so cruel? Already polygyny is a technical institution, it is a source of difficulty, pain and hardships for a number of women. The difficulty of women in polygny is not a sign of depletion in imaan, it is just natural- Sheik Salih Al Fawzan.

Marriage is meant to unite two spouses, it makes your life revolve around the life of your spouse. In marriage, no one should be close to your spouse as much as you are, and your spouse should not be close to anyone as much as he/she is close to you. But polygynous marriage creates a situation wherein your spouse will have a completely different intimate life that you will be shut out from. He will have a separate marriage different from yours. So technically he will have a separate world, a separate life that he is not sharing with you at all. That alone is a source of difficulty but ALLAH is more aware of the difficulty yet he permitted polygyny in perfect wisdom. We can only understand from this that despite the pain of circumcision, ALLAH permitted circumcision, despite the pains of child birth, ALLAH makes child birth part of life. The fact that ALLAH permits polygyny does not mean it doesn't bring difficulty to a certain number of women.

To every woman enduring any level of hardship due to polygyny be certain that ALLAH will not leave you except that he will reward you abundantly from his mercy because no hardship will touch a Muslim except that he will have rewards for it

Polygynous institution is an institution that brings difficulty to women, so therefore men please kindly accompany this naturally painful transition with mercy for your first wife. BE MERCIFUL PLEASE.....

Being cruel and lacking mercy is not permissible in Shariah especially to your wife. Accompanying the pain of polygyny with the pain of betrayal of trust is cruelty. Fear ALLAH, please fear the last day. No matter your excuse, it is not acceptable. Imagine excuses like; I don't want her to hurt, I don't want to see her cry. Please know that she will still hurt no matter what, so please kindly say the truth from the beginning and deal with her tears. It is better that way than complicating issues and raising the power of her pain to a million. Note that it is a must to be merciful to your wife (Hadith No. 2871, Silsilah Saheehah)

In conclusion, to all heart that have experienced the death of mercy, turn to ALLAH through the Quran, by ALLAH, there is no better cure for your condition than that. To all heart that have been broken remember that verily in the remembrance of ALLAH will the heart find rest.
May ALLAH soften our hearts.
And ALLAH knows best

© Hamidah Bint Abbas
@ hamidahbintabbas.com

BismiLLAH, AlhamduliLLAH.

BUT I WANT TO MARRY HIM!

This is the full gist; she wants to marry a man whose first wife doesn't want polygyny.

Counselor: You will have a marriage with him if you marry him but will you have rest of mind and matrimony?

We have to be REALISTIC once in a while. You want to marry a man whose current wife will MOST LIKELY create domestic wars. Someone who clearly doesn't want polygyny? Someone probably with this kind of thoughts going on in her head: "Hummmm, she would pose a threat by marrying my husband? Well I will show her hell also"

Remember, this discussion is not about the validity of the behaviour of the current wife, it is about YOU! — The one who wants to be the second wife.

You may argue that the current wife will accept Qadar and move on after the marriage has taken place but this is not always true. You might argue that she is only destroying her akhirah if she should oppress you. Well, that is the truth but remember while destroying her own Akhirah she will get your own dunya destroyed also. I think there is something called WISDOM because I don't understand the purpose of a marriage with no tranquility.

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