I'm an Igbo woman in my mid 20s,born in the states and have lived here for all of my life. My father died when I was a young teenager and it has been my mom that has had to support me (the oldest) and my siblings ever since. What makes things even more difficult is that one of my siblings is special needs. My mom is strict, as many African parents are, and I feel it has caused strain in how we talk and relate to one another.

I wanted to move out of my family home to find independence and be able to focus career-wise, but my mother takes it as a disrespect/betrayal. I have just finished school and will be starting a new job in a few weeks. I am with a man I have known for almost a decade and we want to get married in a couple of years, but my mom disapproves because he an American black man,but I know this person to be reasonable, supportive and caring. He is currently pursuing his masters and does what he can to help me focus on my own education and career. He wants to know my family, but my mom says that I won't marry him. She wants me to marry an African man, but she shows no interest in hearing what I have to say about the matter.

I respect my mother and her advice, but I feel that I must respectfully disagree with the way she is treating the idea of moving out and marriage. She is very strong in the head and adamant that what she says goes. I did not want things to go this way, but she is taking things to an extreme that is unnecessary. I'm not out to do drugs or drinking or what have you - I just want to progress as an adult, but I don't want that to mean that I sacrifice a relationship with my mother because of it. At the same time, I don't want to resent her if I drop my plans to move (there is already money put down and everything), because I feel that will happen.

Could anyone help me get insight on how to deal with this situation, especially when my mother refuses to discuss this issue in a sit-down type of way? Thank you.

Hmm its going to be hard since she is not the "sit down lets talk" type of mom .
Is there anybody she holds in high esteem and respects ? , talk to that person .


But why are we Nigerians, like this, we claim white people are racist, but we are worse.
A yoruba man ,sees an igbo man as shit and vice versa ,these two see hausa people as nonentities .
For crying out loud the guy is even black from your story, even if he is white whats wrong in that .
I think as humans we should start focusing on the quality of other humans, how they behave, the attitiude they have before we consider skin color,race or tribe .

I hope she listens to you .

I have talked a few times to a couple my mother's siblings about the situation. One of those siblings are older, one is younger and they have also tried to talk to my mom, but she seems very firm in her mindset and doesn't want to hear what I have to say. My relatives seem to have some reluctance about the whole thing, but a reasonable amount, to a level that one can reason/discuss with. Ultimately, they just want to make sure that I'm moving and marrying for the right reasons and that I'm sure of my decision. My mom's military-like reaction to this whole thing now makes me hesitant, but I will regret giving in to that pressure she gives when involving a big life decision. It is not that I want to leave the house because I don't value my mom and the work she has done to keep the family from going without want, but she is taking it that way. My mom had said bluntly that if I was to step an inch out of the house the time I want to move, she would disown me. I am lost as to why it is taken to this extreme.

@OP, you need to take it easy with your mum... She could be seeing what you couldn't see
I think she prefers a black guy who has a "touch of African culture", if you know what I mean, for you...
Someone who will respect her, will raise her grandchildren just the way she raised you, etc...
I wouldn't advise you to move out without her consent because if it boomerangs, she's the one you will run back to...
Maybe you should find a way of hearing her out if she has a different plan / someone for you to get married to...
You can take it from there

LuminousLace:
I have talked a few times to a couple my mother's siblings about the situation. One of those siblings are older, one is younger and they have also tried to talk to my mom, but she seems very firm in her mindset and doesn't want to hear what I have to say. My relatives seem to have some reluctance about the whole thing, but a reasonable amount, to a level that one can reason/discuss with. Ultimately, they just want to make sure that I'm moving and marrying for the right reasons and that I'm sure of my decision. My mom's military-like reaction to this whole thing now makes me hesitant, but I will regret giving in to that pressure she gives when involving a big life decision. It is not that I want to leave the house because I don't value my mom and the work she has done to keep the family from going without want, but she is taking it that way. My mom had said bluntly that if I was to step an inch out of the house the time I want to move, she would disown me. I am lost as to why it is taken to this extreme.

Hmm , this one is strong .
I understand how you feel .
The truth is, a time comes in our lives when we have to respectfully stand up to our parents and make them understand that we are adults , I think that time has come for you .Just make sure he is a good man , because you are about to make a sacrifice that would backfire if he ends up not being good enough. Besides you are going to your own apartment its not like you are going to live with him .

Please leave the house , tell your mum you love her , but you have to start standing on your own now .
I know its hard , but the way I see it and from the way you narrated who she is , this is the only way .

She can't disown you , she would even be missing you sef, when you leave just make sure you keep in touch with her and call her everyday if you can, to tell her how much you love her and miss her.
Mothers love is strong joor , use that to your advantage .

Akious2k2:
@OP, you need to take it easy with your mum... She could be seeing what you couldn't see
I think she prefers a black guy who has a "touch of African culture", if you know what I mean, for you...
Someone who will respect her, will raise her grandchildren just the way she raised you, etc...
I wouldn't advise you to move out without her consent because if it boomerangs, she's the one you will run back to...
Maybe you should find a way of hearing her out if she has a different plan / someone for you to get married to...
You can take it from there

@bolded , did you just say that sir ?. Why should a parent choose who their children gets married to ?

LuminousLace:
I'm an Igbo woman in my mid 20s,born in the states and have lived here for all of my life. My father died when I was a young teenager and it has been my mom that has had to support me (the oldest) and my siblings ever since. What makes things even more difficult is that one of my siblings is special needs. My mom is strict, as many African parents are, and I feel it has caused strain in how we talk and relate to one another.

I wanted to move out of my family home to find independence and be able to focus career-wise, but my mother takes it as a disrespect/betrayal. I have just finished school and will be starting a new job in a few weeks. I am with a man I have known for almost a decade and we want to get married in a couple of years, but my mom disapproves because he an American black man,but I know this person to be reasonable, supportive and caring. He is currently pursuing his masters and does what he can to help me focus on my own education and career. He wants to know my family, but my mom says that I won't marry him. She wants me to marry an African man, but she shows no interest in hearing what I have to say about the matter.

I respect my mother and her advice, but I feel that I must respectfully disagree with the way she is treating the idea of moving out and marriage. She is very strong in the head and adamant that what she says goes. I did not want things to go this way, but she is taking things to an extreme that is unnecessary. I'm not out to do drugs or drinking or what have you - I just want to progress as an adult, but I don't want that to mean that I sacrifice a relationship with my mother because of it. At the same time, I don't want to resent her if I drop my plans to move (there is already money put down and everything), because I feel that will happen.

Could anyone help me get insight on how to deal with this situation, especially when my mother refuses to discuss this issue in a sit-down type of way? Thank you.

All mums are this way, they act this way when their little pet feels its time to leave the nest.

She genuinely loves you and fears because you've never left the nest before, and going all out isn't an easy pill for her to swallow ( forget your college experience ) You say you know the brother for about a decade, that's good enough for marriage.


Look for people she holds in high regard and speak to them to persuade her, tell them someone one knows for a decade is safer in love and for the long distance, than someone one knows in a short time frame just to satisfy culture.


I strongly belive that guy and you will make a good team, hold your ground, negotiate with mum, that okay you wont leave home, but you keep your man and she accepts him, if you both can agree to this deal, it'll be great for all parties involved. Good luck !


Cc : Oyindidi Belafonte Ubunja Sagamite Zicoraads Hasbydiamond Lefulefu

LuminousLace:
I have talked a few times to a couple my mother's siblings about the situation. One of those siblings are older, one is younger and they have also tried to talk to my mom, but she seems very firm in her mindset and doesn't want to hear what I have to say. My relatives seem to have some reluctance about the whole thing, but a reasonable amount, to a level that one can reason/discuss with. Ultimately, they just want to make sure that I'm moving and marrying for the right reasons and that I'm sure of my decision. My mom's military-like reaction to this whole thing now makes me hesitant, but I will regret giving in to that pressure she gives when involving a big life decision. It is not that I want to leave the house because I don't value my mom and the work she has done to keep the family from going without want, but she is taking it that way. My mom had said bluntly that if I was to step an inch out of the house the time I want to move, she would disown me. I am lost as to why it is taken to this extreme.

Don't let your mum separate you from that brother, no matter what happens, hold your ground. If she doesn't bail, jump ship. You'll both reconcile in the future...

LuminousLace:
I'm an Igbo woman in my mid 20s,born in the states and have lived here for all of my life. My father died when I was a young teenager and it has been my mom that has had to support me (the oldest) and my siblings ever since. What makes things even more difficult is that one of my siblings is special needs. My mom is strict, as many African parents are, and I feel it has caused strain in how we talk and relate to one another.

I wanted to move out of my family home to find independence and be able to focus career-wise, but my mother takes it as a disrespect/betrayal. I have just finished school and will be starting a new job in a few weeks. I am with a man I have known for almost a decade and we want to get married in a couple of years, but my mom disapproves because he an American black man,but I know this person to be reasonable, supportive and caring. He is currently pursuing his masters and does what he can to help me focus on my own education and career. He wants to know my family, but my mom says that I won't marry him. She wants me to marry an African man, but she shows no interest in hearing what I have to say about the matter.

I respect my mother and her advice, but I feel that I must respectfully disagree with the way she is treating the idea of moving out and marriage. She is very strong in the head and adamant that what she says goes. I did not want things to go this way, but she is taking things to an extreme that is unnecessary. I'm not out to do drugs or drinking or what have you - I just want to progress as an adult, but I don't want that to mean that I sacrifice a relationship with my mother because of it. At the same time, I don't want to resent her if I drop my plans to move (there is already money put down and everything), because I feel that will happen.

Could anyone help me get insight on how to deal with this situation, especially when my mother refuses to discuss this issue in a sit-down type of way? Thank you.

Sorry to say, your mother is out of order.

Go ahead and do what you want to do.

It is your life, you are making what appears to be good and reasonable choices. She is the one making unreasonable demands.

Sorry to say, I have no tolerance for things like this. God knows my father and mother can't tell me what to do when it comes things like this. They would not even try it. My insight on how to deal with the situation is just do what you want to do.

If it was my parents, they know what I would say to them after I do it. It is a Yoruba saying: "Eni to ba wu ko be" (Feel free to puff up in anger till you bust).

They know their son, I get pissed when things that don't make sense is being imposed on me. Then the person would see the other dismissive side of me.

Tooks2008

Tosyne2much

Checkout this thread....What do you have to say bro?

Donald3d:

Hmm , this one is strong .
I understand how you feel .
The truth is, a time comes in our lives when we have to respectfully stand up to our parents and make them understand that we are adults , I think that time has come for you .Just make sure he is a good man , because you are about to make a sacrifice that would backfire if he ends up not being good enough. Besides you are going to your own apartment its not like you are going to live with him .

Please leave the house , tell your mum you love her , but you have to start standing on your own now .
I know its hard , but the way I see it and from the way you narrated who she is , this is the only way .

She can't disown you , she would even be missing you sef, when you leave just make sure you keep in touch with her and call her everyday if you can, to tell her how much you love her and miss her.
Mothers love is strong joor , use that to your advantage .

Madamé. Go with this advice. I know a lady here who also did same thing. Thing is, hers was so bad that the Mom finally accepted after two kids. But boy was the husband loving and supportive. So be very sure of him. Be very very sure of him. For in the end, your mom may go cold on you for a while. The only person who would be supportive then is your man. Make sure he is really worth it.

All the best.

Donald3d:

Hmm , this one is strong .
I understand how you feel .
The truth is, a time comes in our lives when we have to respectfully stand up to our parents and make them understand that we are adults , I think that time has come for you .Just make sure he is a good man , because you are about to make a sacrifice that would backfire if he ends up not being good enough. Besides you are going to your own apartment its not like you are going to live with him .

Please leave the house , tell your mum you love her , but you have to start standing on your own now .
I know its hard , but the way I see it and from the way you narrated who she is , this is the only way .

She can't disown you , she would even be missing you sef, when you leave just make sure you keep in touch with her and call her everyday if you can, to tell her how much you love her and miss her.
Mothers love is strong joor , use that to your advantage .

Hmm This sounds like a good advice but also difficult.I know so many youths with Igbo Background and none of their parents supported them marrying outside the tribe.I even know one right now that is seeking his Dad for forgiveness after the Dad cursed him for marrying lady of another nationality.It is their thing over there and if you care about your future and happiness,Then OP should listen and obey her mom .im sorry you are in this kinda of situation.

LuminousLace:
I have talked a few times to a couple my mother's siblings about the situation. One of those siblings are older, one is younger and they have also tried to talk to my mom, but she seems very firm in her mindset and doesn't want to hear what I have to say. My relatives seem to have some reluctance about the whole thing, but a reasonable amount, to a level that one can reason/discuss with. Ultimately, they just want to make sure that I'm moving and marrying for the right reasons and that I'm sure of my decision. My mom's military-like reaction to this whole thing now makes me hesitant, but I will regret giving in to that pressure she gives when involving a big life decision. It is not that I want to leave the house because I don't value my mom and the work she has done to keep the family from going without want, but she is taking it that way. My mom had said bluntly that if I was to step an inch out of the house the time I want to move, she would disown me. I am lost as to why it is taken to this extreme.

You have been seeing this guy for a decade and your mom is now knowing about it or what? How come she is opposing it now. Explain.

It's very dicey, on one hand u can go ahead and move with this guy, but if u do that be ready, subconsciously u will expect a lot from him since u have sacrificed a lot in this case your mom for him which may be unrealistic or sudden for him. I also see a greater propensity for him to misbehave and expect you to put up with since you won't have anyone to run to now that you have no one "technically".

On the other hand you can listen to your mom and stay put and marry an African man. Honestly it may take time to find yet another like you have but it would be very possible, luckily time is still on your side.If you pick this however then know your mom will forever dictate to you, especially on the crucial decisions in life which will essentially mean u have no life, because who are we if not the decisions we make.

Bottom line make a choice whichever one and be prepared to live with the consequences, things would have been easier if you knew your mom's stance earlier before u committed.

Donald3d:


@bolded , did you just say that sir ?. Why should a parent choose who their children gets married to ?

I said that on purpose... For her mum to disapprove of the man she brought, maybe she should just hear her mum out if she actually has someone else for her... At least, for her to be sure that's not why her mum is against OP's wish