Brothers and sisters! Ever since I made pap for my family members on saturday, they haven’t said a word to me. I understand the lumps inside the pap was big enough to clog up their esophagus. The lumps inside that pap was literally bigger than the akara balls we had bought to eat with it.

That faithful Saturday, I had woken up hungry. This happens when i am offered food in my dream, and just when I have washed my hands to savour the first morsel of the delectable meal, my Sis knocks on my door saying it’s time for morning devotion. Worse part is, when she doesn’t get any sign that I am up from my bed and doing all the yawning and stretching, she starts to sing alarmingly. Her favorite song to sing in such situation is an igbo song which translates to:

Wake up from sleep, Jesus is calling you. Wake up from sleep, he is telling you to wake up!

Because Jesus is reputedly calling me, I have to abandon the food in my dream and wake up empty bellied. When I think about my spiritual food and who might be eating it in place of me, I start getting angry. In a split second, my anger metamorphoses to hunger & I start to vibrate. Let me add that when in vibration mode, I don’t talk to anyone or pick calls b/cos I can swallow you & give you a million reasons why your harmless ‘good morning’ is very harmful to me!

You may be calling to tell me about the fuel scarcity in your province and i’d be telling you how Bakassi boys killed one of my uncle’s in 1997 and how i feel he deserves it b/cos he never bought me anything, not even an okirika shoe pad. You may be calling to ask if I have so so person’s number and i’d be telling you how i wish I was born during that time there was a wedding in Canaan b/cos I feel the attendees didn’t do enough justice to the jollof rice that was served since emphasis were only made on the water which later turned to wine. This is exactly how the chain goes. From interrupting my spiritual meal to me getting angry, and then physically hungry. Last Saturday was one of those days!

After hours of chores that Saturday morning, I cooped up my sis and told her I was really hungry. I tried to speak in hushed tones as i didn’t want her husband to eavesdrop. He had ealier said I ate all the food in the house, yet it wasn’t showing on my body. It really does hurt b/cos i now have to eat low key, when he’s not watching in order to avoid his judgments. So, let’s say we’re all seated in the parlour and a plate of Suya,goat meat, turkey is on the center table, I cannot go for it b/cos he’s there. I don’t want his subconscious saying ‘Yes… I knew it…i knew she would go for it.. Always eating up everything.. Lord have mercy! See how she’s tearing the turkey o.. Poor turkey! Yeah there she goes again…she’s devouring the goat meat now.. eh eh eh… She’s on the suya now. It’s in her mouth..Gbam! She has swallowed it! This girl is a lioness o! She doesn’t even chew before swallowing’, and then, the next morning, he’d look at me like ‘damn! i knew she wouldn’t add 1 flesh even after all that food. what a waste of food’!

Anyways, my Sis looked into my eyes, saw i was genuinely hungry, then asked me to go make pap for everyone. Everyone’s pap is that kinda pap you make in an oversized bowl. I hesitated and told her I couldn’t. I don’t like making pap as much as I love to drink it. It’s easier making pap for just myself because I can drink it anyhow, but making pap for everyone? It’s hard! you cannot make pap if your emotions are not together.


Following my refusal, my Sis started preaching & Schooling me. She told me I would never pass the wife material test if I cannot make perfect pap. I told her my future husby wouldn’t drink pap. She refused to listen to me. She insisted I made it. she said I wouldn’t be the one to change tradition because according to her, the Israelites had drank pap on Saturday’s too. I was tired of arguing with her so I went into the kitchen, hence the end result!

A family meeting will be held this weekend on the reason I cannot make pap at my age and secondly, why I had let my pap disability affect my sister’s children. It was alleged that since they drank the lumpy pap, they haven’t been able to poop. My mom already called to say how disappointed she was at me. All my generational uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces and aunts had texted to ask if the story was true. At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if Amadioha video calls me on the issue Cos I’m certain he already heard it. What I don’t understand is the reason these people are making it a big deal or am I the only person in this world who cannot make pap?

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Hahahahaha � � �, I actually stopped at this first paragraph, you can't come and kill me early this morning with laughter abeg... I'll continue during the day... Lol.�.