REMEMBER

All those times we could not wait to be with each other?

When we would dream of our wedding day

And fantasized about how we would run away to a distant place, away from all the troubles

Just Us… just the two of us

Ah! You were so eager to make me your wife, your life partner

In me, You saw your future. Words were not your strongest point, but I could see everything from your actions.


Mixed feelings
I was happy, elated is more the description of how I felt

That finally I found that person I could call mine

However, I was also terrified

Of the oblivion that is called marriage

My parents did not have the perfect marriage, but who does?

Some of my friends thought I was making a mistake, they believed I was rushing into it

Despite all of the above, changes were the biggest fear I had

I remember You always told me, “Changes are bound to happen”

One more thing I liked and hated about You is, You never pacified me with a lie

We had never lived together before

‘Do You really know him?’ I asked myself frequently

The butterflies would soon die down after marriage, was I sure of who I would see afterward? Would I still love and be crazy about him?

So many unanswered questions…
Yet we went ahead

Soon after, we became Mr and Mrs…

THE INCIDENT THAT CHANGED EVERYTHING

You always told me what you loved about me, but never what you abhorred. But I knew what you disliked was that I was too bottled up with my emotions. Why do you think I was like that? I never told you about the incident…

When growing up, I always thought that it was going to be impossible to find someone who would compliment me. You see, so many things happened that made me lose trust in people, especially men…

I could not find a soul who could look me in the eyes and know that something was wrong.

Well, maybe it was because even I did not know I had a problem at that tender age of 4. It only became clear to me gradually. And as it did, I became less outspoken, hence more withdrawn. However, I still wanted someone to dig deep inside of me and understand…..silence still.

If I told you what occurred that fateful day, maybe you would have judged me. Hell! you most likely would have told me that nothing happened, it only almost did. I did not see the need to bare my mind to you when it would get my image in ruins.

How could I tell you?
That the person who was considered a friendly and trusted relative was in reality, a child molester? a pedophile?

If you ask me why I did not defend myself, I would have told you that I was helpless. But would you have believed me?

The most nagging question I have to date is, why didn’t he finish the act? why did he let me go?

The picture still lingers in my mind
I miss myself, I mean the person I was before. So playful and curious. You could see the light in my eyes then.

I was innocent-hearted. How could I know that instead of giving me candy as he promised, he would tell me to lie down on his bed…

WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW

You may be reading this letter while I am gone. Separated for good or gone forever, I don’t know but I am not with you right now.

I may have looked and acted strong. But I need you to know that I had my weaknesses.

What are they, you ask me?

I needed attention, needed to be loved, hugged, and be given gifts and compliments too. Assurance is what I yearned, especially that I was doing the right thing. I know I didn’t make it easy for you. That is because I did not show you what it is I really wanted. But you have to know that I had my demons. Not the ones that make one want to kill, haha, but troubled waters. It was hard for me to bare it out.

In short, I beat the odds. I was a better person than my father used to be. I was not perfect, but I tried.

How I wish…
My father would know that he was my real mentor, not my mother or those teachers in school

he would stay home often just to be with me and my siblings

that he showed me how to be a man.

Now, a man
What exactly is the meaning of that word, man?

In my opinion, it is not all about having muscles or wooing girls. It goes deep, I know some people will disagree with me, especially men themselves.

I dreamed of a day my son would look at me and satisfactorily say, ‘Thank you, Father, for being there for us, when you could have chosen a different path’.

Wonder what I mean by a different path?
I have watched an adventurous path as an example.

He told me one thing, then he did another.

I am truly surprised that I aspired to be a family man.

Or maybe I wanted to tell myself that I could be a better person than he was. But I didn’t know it would be a struggle. One that required me to understand myself better and fight those demons I already told you about.

It was a fight between who my mind was trained to see and be and the goal of being a different person.

COLD FEET

I have heard this several times before. I would always be tempted to touch the person’s feet when he/she nervously uttered ‘I think I am beginning to get cold feet’. Perhaps the reason for this idiom is that your feet (well, in reality, your mind) gets frozen and you wonder why you made a decision in the first place and if you are ready for what lies ahead. It could be any decision you made, to study for a degree, job application, marriage, etc.



Marriage
All the sacrifices, the thought of being stuck to one person for the rest of your life, and so on.

The thoughts of trials and the challenges also make your heart beat faster, thump, thump, thump…

Well, I experienced the cold feet after you did, on our wedding day, in the early morning. Yours made me furious, you told me your friend said you could turn back, it wasn’t too late ‘Does this mean he doesn’t love me, or he still wants to have ‘fun’?’ I searched myself for answers.

I cried and cried that morning of our wedding. It’s funny because this was the day I was supposed to be rejoicing. But no, my eyes were bloody red. Or was it just hormonal? because I cannot fully explain the tears up till now.

I had pictures flashing through my mind, of us breaking up, of you cheating on me, I think that was the greatest fear for me.

But you know what?

That was when I stopped crying. I thought to myself ‘I have God (who has me all the time), I have myself’.

Did I need you? We both know the answer is Yes.

But did my life depend on you?

Absolutely not!!

I was alive and well before I met you, not to forget I also had my issues.

This self-discovery woke me up
I wiped my tears immediately. I was determined at that point. To love you no matter what and try my best throughout our journey together. But I would never let you take away my dreams or intimidate me.

I had the best dress and make-up in the whole world on the day I said ‘yes, I do’ to you.

And that was how the beginning of the end started for us.

THE CALL

‘Hello’

‘Hello?’

‘Heloo…am I speaking to Mrs…?’

‘Yes? mmm.. who is this, and why are you calling at this time of the night?’ wondering why I picked the call in the first place

‘Ma, I am sorry oo, but you have to come here right now, it is an emergency’ the caller was sounding impatient

Long pause ‘Are you sure you know who you are speaking to?’ starting to get annoyed at that point

‘OK, there has been an accident and you were the last call I saw on his phone. I cannot talk much right now, please. Just hurry and come to the location, I will send a message immediately’ beeeeeppppp..long silence.

And that was when my eyes cleared, it was you. Something was wrong.

So many thoughts, or not
Was I really thinking? I think not. I was numb. Amnesia had befallen me, I didn’t care if it was temporary or forever. But I wish it covered the most real and recent part of what was going on, that you were gone.

Then it fell on me again, you were no more, the remaining memories came flooding in. I could not hold the tears.

I am sorry for being selfish, but I was not thinking about you at that point. In my head, a gallery of pictures was playing, of all the times that I hated you.

Then I started praying, so hard I could feel my lips trembling

What you needed and still need are my prayers. I prayed like never before.

The pictures kept coming, the tears couldn’t stop.

Where were you now? I wondered. Did you ever know how much I loved you? All the unsaid words?

Should I call what I feel regret?
We had so many moments of laughter and tears. Yet, there were so much of our pasts buried inside of us, this bit may have made us perfect for each other.

I wish I had trusted you more.

Forgive me for that.

I wish I told you more about how much I loved you. I should not have waited for you to be the first to tell me all the time.

What about the walks you promised me by the beach? I cannot do that alone now.

Who will go miles to just to see me laugh now? eh?

I should have talked to you more. No, this was our fault. We should have talked more.

I miss you, you were the love of my life. We were two imperfect beings and I could not have had it any other way.





Thank you for reading guys. I truly hope that you enjoyed the story series- Remember.
Nafisah NK