How to survive the teenage years: a parents’ guide


https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/jun/30/how-to-survive-teenage-years-parents-guide

The Quentin Blake picture book, Zagazoo, tells the surreal story of George and Bella, who become parents after they unwrap a parcel containing a baby. The perfect baby becomes a baby vulture who screeches all night; in toddlerdom, he’s a clumsy elephant. When Zagazoo hits the teen years, he turns into a hulking beast who becomes stranger and hairier by the minute, and they hit breaking point. Blake’s illustrations get wilder. George’s hair turns grey. “Suppose it never stops,” Bella panics. “It doesn’t bear thinking about,” George cries. “What will become of us?”

It’s very funny, but it also conveys a powerful message about adolescence: that it’s something to dread, survive, tolerate – for children and parents.

But does it have to be this way? We asked the experts, from our own advice columnist to counsellors, writers and gaming gurus, people with professional and personal experience of the teenage years. The result is our guide to embracing your adolescent, understanding the very real changes they’re undergoing, comprehending the world they inhabit – and perhaps taking a look at yourself, too.
1 Let go

“Parents are biologically driven to protect their child, but in evolutionary terms, the protected child has to grow up and separate, and so the period of adolescence is there for that to happen,” says Nicola Morgan, who writes about teenagers.

Morgan says this process is easier for teens, because they’re biologically programmed to separate, while the parents are still in protection mode. “There’s nothing in the parent brain that makes it want to separate from the child. The trouble happens when we try to protect for too long – that’s where, often, conflict comes.”

“It’s OK to mourn the loss of the cuddly little person, but embrace the fact that they’re entering a new stage of life,” Relate counsellor Ammanda Major says.

But don’t think your teenager doesn’t need you any more. “They absolutely do, even though they think they don’t,” Major says. “It’s just that it’s different from when they were a child and you were in total control.”
2 Understand the biology

Hormones and seismic growth throw adolescent brains into overdrive – and they don’t finish developing until their 20s. This is pure biology, and it means adolescents gravitate towards certain behaviours: emotional roller-coastering, so-called “bad” risk-taking, lower empathy, susceptibility to peer pressure and weaker impulse control.

“Sometimes its immensely reassuring to know that there’s a biological reason behind some adolescent behaviour,” Morgan says. “If you’re in the thick of some challenging moments, keep that in mind.”

This development of the brain also means sleep patterns are affected. Put simply, teenagers aren’t ready for bed when you want them to be, and they might struggle to get up in the morning. It’s useless to get into arguments over bedtimes – things have changed since they were toddlers you could sleep-train. No amount of arguing and rule-setting can beat biology. Instead, help them to change their routine where possible to accommodate a new pattern of sleep – even if it’s only at weekends.
Dinosaurs
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Photograph: Kellie French for the Guardian
3 Don’t write off gaming

“Video games are a big part of childhood and teenage life, so getting to grips with them can be a window to understanding and engaging with your teenager,” says journalist and gamer Andy Robertson, author of Taming Gaming. “Clearly, if they play too much, or on their own in a bedroom, it can have an isolating effect.” His advice is to bring them out from the shadows, and make gaming more of a family-friendly activity. This requires getting involved early: “Avoid just setting limits when they are young – find games you want them to play.” Research the Pan European Game Information (PEGI) rating so you know which games are appropriate. PEGI ratings work like film classifications – from 3, suitable for three years old and above, to adult-appropriate 18s. There are also symbols showing what sort of content to expect, from scary scenes to sex.

“Games can instil amazing character traits like perseverance, kindness, cooperation and strategic thinking,” he says. “And gaming health is about a balanced diet. With food, we don’t worry about plate time, it’s what’s on the plate that matters. Similarly, it’s what’s on the screen that’s important.” In other words, aimless YouTube surfing isn’t the same as time spent playing a well-planned strategic game together.

“Also, don’t assume they don’t want you involved. Show some interest early, and you might have a connection for life.”

If you’re just not interested in joining in, you can still set limits. Discuss with them how many hours a day they think it’s appropriate to play, what kind of games you are comfortable with. Make sure it’s a dialogue and that, although you are the ultimate arbiter, they still have some say.
4 Keep lines of communication open

“There’s no doubt that the way you communicate will change,” Major says. “If you experience this, the rowing, the shouting, the melodrama or the silent treatment can feel very personal, but try not to take it as such.” Always keep the channels of communication open. Take the time to learn their language and when they might want to talk.

For example, a face-to-face sit-down conversation across the table will be too confrontational. You should try to cultivate moments where “sideways” conversations happen, such as in the car or while walking or doing household chores together; this way, things can be much more relaxed and they will often open up or be more receptive.

Major is also at pains to remind parents to continue to include an adolescent in everything they might normally do as a family. “A grunt might actually mean, ‘Yes, please’, so keep them involved. Don’t feel hurt when they reject you; enjoy it when they don’t.”

Annalisa Barbieri, the Guardian’s advice columnist, urges parents to see their children as separate beings from the word go. “What I don’t understand are parents who want their children to acquiesce when they’re little, but magically know their own minds when they’re a teenager – that’s where the difficulty seems to be.”
5 Set social media standards

Accept that the widening of the online landscape is probably the biggest difference between your own adolescence and that of your child’s. But remember, just as in real life, your teenagers will need boundaries in their virtual worlds.

Keep tabs on what they get up to, Morgan says. Educate yourself, if necessary, but develop a mutual trust. “Only when we engage with the positives can we negotiate and encourage healthy behaviours.”

Give them some tech responsibility at home – sorting out a dodgy Skype connection or, if they have younger siblings, ask them for help talking about online safety. Show trust where you can.

To help them see that life’s not all online, let them choose an offline activity you can do together. It doesn’t matter what – climbing, cake decorating, whittling, kite-flying, surfing. It’ll give them a rush, a new skill – and some good social media pics.

Finally, don’t forget to look at your own habits and set a good example. “It’s difficult to lay down the law if you can’t stop looking at your phone,” Morgan says. “Model good behaviour to them.”
6 Take mental health seriously

Many common mental health problems, such as depression, have their onset in early adolescence.

Natasha Devon, a children’s mental health campaigner and the author of A Beginner’s Guide to Being Mental: An A-Z, often gets asked when “normal” teenage behaviour becomes a mental health issue. “It doesn’t matter. What if your partner said to you, ‘Is this really serious, or is this just the menopause?’ How would that make you feel? If someone genuinely shows interest in you and listens to you, then that improves your brain chemistry. Just listen to what they have to say.”

“There seems to be a horrible divide between the generations, based on the fact that adolescents today are growing up in a technologically advanced age. What happens is parents end up telling their teens they should be happy because they’ve got more materially than they ever had. But material things don’t make you happy.”

This rather toxic attitude towards teenagers is something that Barbieri sees too: “I think teenagers are scared of becoming teenagers because adults talk about it in a way that is so scary.”
7 Your role

“Don’t forget your own partnership,” Major says. “Nurture each other. If you’re on your own, find some support. Act with your partner and don’t undermine each other.”

Consider whether your reaction to your teenager’s behaviour is coloured by your own experiences. Major says: “Maybe you toed the line when you were an adolescent. If you have a youngster who isn’t doing that, be prepared to be jealous of their gutsy response – you might wish you’d done the same.”

Revisiting your youth is important for maintaining your empathy and humour levels, Devon says. “Keep checking in with your teenage self – what would that person make of your adult life now?”

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