The people of Nineveh were having a great time, which usually pisses off the Great Lord Yahweh. The Most High desires utmost attention and focus.

Lord Yahweh doesn't like sin, he strongly detests it - it is rumored he spends most of his time updating a special SINBOOK, where he records all the violations everyone who has ever lived has. Rumor has it the SINBOOK uses a divine 'above-the-cloud' server, but surely that's just rubbish talk. The Lord knows all things.

Anyways, Nineveh's sins stunk up to the heavens, spreading sadness and despair, bringing back memories of Sodom and Gomorrah, those twin cities he had burnt down ages ago.

Something had to be done. And had to be done quick.

'Whom shall i send?'



------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------
------------------------
-----------------------------------
------------------------------------------



Jonah, son of Amittai, woke up that morning to an email from Lord Yahweh.

'Dear Prophet,

I receive your praise in advance.

Get on a bus to Nineveh, tell the governor that his people are looking for my trouble. I go do them wetin I do Gomo and Sodo.

Find enclosed two blessings. Goodness and journey mercies follow you.

Yours sin goodcerely,
Lord Yahweh.'



Jonah refreshed his tab twice. The email didn't disappear. He frowned.

'Wetin come be this one na?'

Jonah was in no mood to be an errand boy, and decided to escape from the city. He went down to the ship port and boarded a boat to Tarshish, a land far away from Africa.


Now, Lord Yahweh is a jealous God. And it's pure folly to try escaping from God - he's got a million GPS trackers following your very hair follicles. So when Lord Yahweh looked at the yellow blip on his radar heading towards Tarshish, he knew something was wrong. Very wrong.


Like Zeus, Lord Yahweh could ski on water. From heaven, he dove into the deep blue sea, rising in great majesty like a great whale, waves crashing around him as his glory moved towards the boat on which Jonah was sailing.

Up on the boat,the captain stared through his binoculars to see dark clouds gathering...

"Boys, better rain one fall o..."

He put on Fela's "Water no get enemy" on the speakers, alerting sailors and passengers of the danger ahead. They say God's wrath is like a raging storm - that evening, it was not just said, it was seen. Great waves rose high and crashed thunderously upon the boat, lashing it on each side, threatening to overturn the boat.


The sailors were scared.

"We need to lighten the ship", the captain announced to his men. "Move now."

The men rushed through out the ship, casting overboard luggages, boxes, new blenders, generator sets, TVs, laptops, and cannabis.


There was a small silence. The seas calmed.

"Phew... that was clo..."

A huge bolt of lightning struck the mast, setting it on fire and melting the words of closure coming from the captain's mouth. Fela's "Overtake don overtake overtake" came on the speaker.

The sailors began to speak in tongues and call upon the Gods of their ancestors. Though the waves rocked their ship, their faith never wavered. The captain was less superstitious, and walked down the hull to the storage room to see what he could salvage. Abandoning ship was the only option now.