this is the story please read and give criticism where necessary.
Here is a preview of the Story....



.....ANYA

CHAPTER 1 (Against all odds)
The luminous celestial body had lost its intense heat and was slowly retreating behind
the distant mountains, leaving a gentle breeze that caused palm trees to sway. Men
and their sons once armed with implements as at sunrise, marching with gaiety
towards their means of livelihood could be seen in their rags slowly returning to their
various homes with souvenirs of fruits, raw foods, bush meats or pieces of woods from
felled trees. The hullabaloo at the market square had withered and diffused further into
the rest of the village, with groups of at least 2 women with babies clung to their back
and loads of commodities on their heads discussing on virtually every topic that
presents itself as they retired to their abode. At this moment, the ecstasy from children
playing reached its peak till the sight of approaching parents restored normalcy and
paved way for a peaceful evening, void of virtually every activities obtainable earlier on.
Soon the call for prayers, Ikota was now practically deserted, pestles were busy
making a mold of cassava in almost every compound, all thanks to Mothers and
Daughters whereas men mostly in flowing gowns and caps, holding chaplets trooped
to prayer places closest to their houses for the Sunset prayers, it was a typical evening
in Ikota save for three villagers who didn't quite fall in place. Mallam Aminu and Osas
stood facing each other, combat ready. Abu had taken refuge behind his father who
had brought out his cutlass and was being very cautious attacking this total stranger, a
younger Osas, unarmed and quick in movement. The item in contention was a haunted
squirrel Osas had wounded and trailed only to discover that Abu had caught it. Osas
had been furious upon discovering that Abu was admiring the squirrel he had
wounded, he had wondered why the trail was lost. He demanded for the animal with a
gesture of his hand due to difference in languages, Abu declined with a scowl and got
pounced within the twinkle of an eye. Osas didn't waste time arguing with Abu as he
made a quick dash for Abu's waist, lifted him and slammed his opponent on the grass,
sitting on his belly and pinning both hands of his opponent with his knees. Abu flung
his legs aimlessly to the air, shouted "Baba! Baba!!" and lost the Animal very easily.
Mallam Aminu who was packing his implements and some tubers of cassava that had
been harvested, heard his son scream. Alarmed, he dropped every other thing and
picked his cutlass then quickly head towards the direction of the voice. Initially, it felt
like separating two children fighting so he hoisted his cutlass, but when he tried to
touch Osas and witnessed an unbelievable movement that brought Osas behind him
Page 1 of 40

ANYA

and he on top of his son, he knew this was game on. Osas didn't run for fear of being
pursued, he knew his sense of sight would fail him in a run, he was hoping Father and
son would give up and scram so he resolved to cause enough jitters to compliment the
late hour, his dreadful sight and the quiet bushes around the farms. Unfortunately for
Osas, men are factory fitted with pride, especially before those who seek favors from
them, worse still his spouse or child, Mallam Aminu unexpectedly damned every
consequence and drew the first blood. Osas's mind began to work very quickly, he
wished they would understand his language when he prove the animal belonged to
him, on the other hand, he was a stranger in the land of Ikota, what chances would he
have? Giving the animal away wouldn't be an option as well for he had spent 6 days in
the bushes at Ikota, feeding on fruits and water from the stream, his empty tummy
really needed something solid this moment. A thought struck his mind, darkness was
gradually descending, he would put on an act till then, he smiled afterwards, he hadn't
spent days in the bushes for nothing, he had a plan, unfortunately, his opponent had a
plan too. Mallam Aminu made a sudden mad rush at Osas, thrusting his cutlass, Osas
focused on the encroaching cutlass, trying to duck and didn't know when he was
swept off his feet, he landed in a heavy thud on his back and received a huge blow
with his face. In an attempt to get up, the blunt end of the cutlass targeted all the
major joints of Osas's frame and temporarily crippled him, Mallam Aminu wasn't
prepared for another show down for it was dark already. Abu snatched the Animal from
a groaning Osas in a sneer and returned to his father who was taking dust off his body
while engaged in another battle of whether or not to leave this young chap who might
be of the same age with his 14 years old Abu in the bush. He thought of the cassava
he intend to carry, the pieces of wood Abu would carry, then the dinner of fufu and
vegetable soup that awaited him if only they could arrive home with these items and
concluded that the mysterious skinny young chap, very light in complexion with dark
parches all over, who dared threw him to the ground, wasn't worth his concern, "Kai!
Mu tapi gida" he said to his son.
Jumai was putting in a whole lot of efforts to have control over herself, she was
fidgeting, pacing about the compound and faked a smile when Aisha checked up on
her. She was fighting the temptation of asking the neighbors of her husband's
whereabout or sharing her feelings with any of the neighbor's wife for her husband
completely frowned at this. She had asked her last son who was patiently waiting for
his elder brother to go pray the last prayer for the day alone and made sure he
returned immediately the prayers was over, she warned him to be the first to arrive
home if he didn't want to be spanked, not because of his safety, but she wanted to be
sure Abubakar her first child, who goes to farm with the Dad in the morning wasn't at
the Mosque too before she activated panic mode. Aisha came out again, this time with
a burning lamp and offered to her Mum since she had refused to come inside the hut
Page 2 of 40

ANYA

and it was very unlike a woman from Ikota to be outside the home at this time of the
day, people would wonder why her husband or father would allow that and this rare
news could trend in the market square the next day. Aisha was about returning with
the lamp when Usman returned to the compound panting, both women's heart
skipped beats as they yelled together "mai ne ne?" Abu halted abruptly and was
bewildered too, "Ba komai" he replied. The Mum suddenly frowned upon realization
that he was probably heeding to her warning whereas Aisha asked him to get inside in
annoyance, the fact that he returned alone prove neither Abubakar nor his father
prayed at the Mosque, this was the limit for Jumai. She went into her hut and was out
in no time, "Don't answer anyone that comes knocking" she said to Aisha in Hausa as
she set out on a quest to ascertain the whereabout of her Husband and Son, she wore
a Hijab and carried along an unlit lamp and matchbox then headed towards the
mountainous bushes of Ikota, she would light the lamp when she passed Baba Sagir's
compound for she was certain no one in the other houses close to the farm after this
house would recognize her. She had barely gone far when she saw a silhouette of her
husband and son against the dimming light of the moon returning vie the bush path,
she felt a blanket of warmth in relief and a thought of running back home before her
husband saw her crossed her mind but she dismissed this with a blush. She lit her
lamp to reveal her identity so as not to startle them and said "ALHAMDULILLAH!"
Lifting her free hand in praise. She relieved Mallam Aminu off his load and asked why
they had returned late, she got a sketchy gist of what happened and was shocked
upon realizing that they had left the boy there. She was disappointed at her husband
and insisted that they go back and fetch him, she couldn't imagine a child helplessly
lying in the dark bush at the moment, miraculously, her husband didn't relent, he still
felt guilty after all so they searched around for anything they could use to tie him up,
with a lit lamp, they returned to the bush, heading towards the exact spot they had left
Osas.

He slapped his legs again with the little strength left as insects tormented his skin, he
had tried to get up to locate his make shift shelter further in the bush to no avail, his
legs just wobbled under him so he always ended up in a sitting position. He felt weak,
tired, hungry and sick, he had only a vague idea about death but often wondered how
long unpleasant situations lasts. He wasn't a stranger to woes, the only difference was
the fact he couldn't move his limbs, this irritated him and made him feel helpless.
Another insect buzz pass his ear, he closed his eyes and waited for the next sting, he
wasn't disappointed, in exasperation he laid on his right arm on the grass that was
going moist from the evening dew and forced his mind away from the insect attack.
His mind drifted into oblivion, a voice sounded from a hut where a man and woman
knelt down tending their little daughter who had been struck with a strange disease,
chicken pox.
Page 3 of 40

Wow. Nothing? I trust this forum to disappoint. I'll read it and post a review before the day runs out.

[UPDATE]
I read it. The story was nice. The only innocuous problems were the use of present tenses where the sentence showed the event was already past and a few typos here and there. In its form it makes for good nairaland reading. I enjoyed every bit of it. If you're not a writer you're on a good way to becoming one unless someone wants to tell me writing is an easy skill to pick up.

Am loving this story already pls keep the good work going

meobizy:
Wow. Nothing? I trust this forum to disappoint. I'll read it and post a review before the day runs out.

[UPDATE]
I read it. The story was nice. The only innocuous problems were the use of present tenses where the sentence showed the event was already past and a few typos here and there. In its form it makes for good nairaland reading. I enjoyed every bit of it. If you're not a writer you're on a good way to becoming one unless someone wants to tell me writing is an easy skill to pick up.

thanks for that. I can send you the rest, to get a full review.

Good work op.

You asked for criticisms, which I think is cool and you/we are all learning, so here goes.

1. Your tenses, someone already mentioned it. Past and present are mixed in a few sentences. I am sure they were mistakes you failed to note while editing and it shows the importance of reading through completed works repeatedly.

2. Parches? Always check the spelling of words in a dictionary if you are unsure, even for common words.

3. In the beginning you tried with your sentences but as you wrote on, long sentences crept in and they can bore your reader. When you become a successful and established writer you can bend writing rules however you deem fit but for now it won't hurt to read about the basics of fiction writing.

Good work, really.

Viserion:
thanks for that. I can send you the rest, to get a full review.

You'll have to give me five full days to complete it then.

Well done for actually putting something out there for people to critique.

Depending on your reasons for doing this, check your tenses.

The formatting needs to be looked at as well. I.e spacing of sentences.

I know a poster noted that no one commented on this topic
The literature section does not get a lot of traffic, however it's a good place to pick up good skills.

In this age of limited attention spans, you need to pay a lot of attention to format and spelling to compel people to read your stuff.

Don't give up though, keep on writing