We’ve been together for three years now and we love each other so dearly. He’s so caring, affectionate, easy going ,brilliant and humble. He’s a complete gentleman and he cares so much for my family. We have a blissful relationship, but problem is his mum. She has this hold over him and he can hardly go to the toilet without her consent. Being an only child,I thought it was ok at first, since the dad is late. But even his family and friends said the only decision he’d ever taken on his own is his decision to marry me. We both fasted and prayed for her to endorse it! Anytime we are in Nigeria, we stay in the estate with her. She forces us out of our flat at ungodly hours. She calls her son 3-4 times daily on phone, and she speaks for at least 10mins each time! My fiancé is a doctor and she's always complaining about one ache or the other. Anytime he’s in naija, he becomes her driver and escort. She’s always hanging around us,home and abroad.

With prayer, fasting and my mum’s support and encouragement, I was able to convince him to start a building project. We both agreed on the design of the house and even started it before traveling back. But to my shock and horror,after we left, she asked the construction workers to bulldoze the foundation and she gave them another plan, erected the foundation, though with her money, but she robbed us of our dream house! That day I cried. At times, I feel like opting out of the relationship but one look at my guy’s tearful eyes melts my heart. My family and our friends are always encouraging me to look at the love between us.

We both traveled home for our Introduction last month and the wedding is coming up this December. The problem now is; she’s taking her dictatorship too far. She wants us to wear blue(her favorite color,not mine) for the traditional wedding, she wants her “pastor” to officiate at the wedding in my church! My mum isn't happy with that, and my fiancé had pleaded with her, but she refused. We’ve already been told that she has this spiritual strong hold over him. What do I do? This woman is 58 years old and doesn’t look like she’ll die soon. My patience is running out .

Honestly,I think you should pray harder if the problem is spiritual. However,it may not even be a spiritual hold.Try and understand that she might be feeling lonely since she's a widow and her only child lives abroad,let her feel you guys anytime you are in town.
On the issue of pastor and wedding dress color,i suggest you wear the color she wants i.e blue and let your mum discuss with her on the pastor thing,your pastor should join you guys together.

@ cutey01

i love your thoughts

@ sweetthang

i get you sweetheart, yes i do but look at it this way

he's her only child, she's a widow, he's probably the only one that has been there for her since, he lives abroad which makes the distance a long one,

darling, i know she might be taking it a little but too far, but no one can blame her (there's nothing abnormal or unnatural about it, she's just taking hers a little bit across the boarder)

it has always been a known fact that mums bond to their "only child" or "only son", esp.if all through his growing up, she's been the one making decisions for him

yes she should have let go by now, but every mum loves differently. When a habit is grown, its not that simple to let go

You live out of the country, and the only time she bothers you guys is when you're in the country, right? then you're one of the lucky ones.
Hun, try and see it from a positive side, would you have been happy if you were engaged to a guy that was at logger-heads with the mum? aren't you a bit happy that the mum loves and cares for him so much and he feels the same for her? well actually, every mum prays and dreams that they bond a good relationship with their kids

She accepted you in, which is a good thing. You'd have been singing a different song if you came in to find out she disapproved of you.

Everything and everybody in life needs time to adjust to certain situations, you have to give her time to realise that her son has found another woman who will now gladly take over the taking care of him and other things she did
Get close to her, make her see that you're capable of taking good care of her son, let her slowly give his hands to you, believe me, she [b]will eventually.

Some families have some established "way of living", and it might take a little bit time to get it adjusted

we all say, "no ooh, i won't be like that ooh", and sometimes we end up to be worse
[/b]
Sit your husband down and talk to him, tell him you'll also like to be a part of the planning when it comes to your future family, you can't blame the woman alone, obviously its been fine with the son. He alone can make her see things from a different perspective.

Let him talk to her, mother-to-son, tell her that he's now grown-up, that he loves her with all his heart, will adore her for the rest of his life, and that he is where he is today because God chose her for his mum
gently and with love, he has to win her attention, then break it softly. He would now tell her that she has to let go (a bit), he's about to get married, and would like his wife-to-be to be able to partake in the decisions of "your" family

You guys can make a compromise to decisoins, give her the honour of deciding some and then you and your husband can decide some. Everything she does, she does because she loves her boy so so much, she means no harm. This guy obvioisly loves you very much, but he loves his mum too!

Good luck, you found a good one (family) dear, make it yours. Many would kill to be in your shoes, don't wish it away

This woman is 58 years old and doesn’t look like she’ll die soon. My patience is running out.

Lmfao.

This is pretty much the reason why I can't date a dude who's a single child or only male of a household. Unnecessary garbage because the mother doesnt have anyone else cept him to constantly bother.
But in a way you do feel sorry for them because like you said he's the only kid and her husband is dead, who else does she have

However this nonsense about her giving constructors a different plan is just ridiculous. See that's the thing I hate about Nigeria, ONLY in Nigeria can some random person come along and tell people "blah blah this is my son's house and this is the way it is supposed to be done" and someone would actually listen to that crap. No law no document, nothing. shio
Did you fiance even talk to his mother when that happened? That's some bull.

Anyway you two are based aboard arent you? You wont have to put up with that after Dec.,.guess you're going to have to be patient til' then. Also you have to tell her that you are NOT feeling the whole "blue" thing for the occassion. I mean it's supposed to be YOUR day so no one should take that from you, if you can't, explain to your husband and make him see how bothered you are and hopefully he'll have a serious discussion with your mom about it.

I read your replies and I feel so light now,how true is the saying that a problem shared is a problem solved,at least half way. . .
Honestly,I almost didn't have the nerve to post something this personal for fear that people won't take it seriously,but thanks for your lovely responses so far. I'm trying my best but it seems this woman is just too possessive,always there,you understand?she's a pain in the a**!

cutey01:

let her feel you guys anytime you are in town.On the issue of pastor and wedding dress color,i suggest you wear the color she wants i.e blue and let your mum discuss with her on the pastor thing,your pastor should join you guys together.

She's feeling us o and we are feeling her(not the same way she's feeling us ) The second part of your post i.e the part that I should wear blue lace,isn't it ridiculous? i hate blue(powdered blue is fine but not her shade of blue) and my guy knows that!
@cute-ass,are you married? you sound soooo sweet! thanks,i think i agree with you somehow and i've always doubted that it's a spiritual strong hold,don't think she's that bad.Will try snd i've tried some of your suggestions,will keep trying.She disturbs usme everytime,home and abroad! Right now,i'm not in naija and i've spoken to her three times today!

@thiefofhearts, You are soo right! it's just not so cool to date,let alone marry an only child! I'm just managing the mum,you know,she's so young! if she were like 70something,i'll say she can die anytime,but she's so strong and healthy

ThiefOfHearts:

However this nonsense about her giving constructors a different plan is just ridiculous. See that's the thing I hate about Nigeria, ONLY in Nigeria can some random person come along and tell people "blah blah this is my son's house and this is the way it is supposed to be done" and someone would actually listen to that crap. No law no document, nothing. shio.Did you fiance even talk to his mother when that happened? That's some bull.

Yes he did and they didn't talk for over 2 months and that was the most beautiful two months we had together(with mama and son keeping malice,no disturbance) 
we both live abroad at the moment,but from dec,i'll be staying more in naija!!! and i'll be seing more of her

sweetthang:

This woman is 58 years old and doesn’t look like she’ll die soon. My patience is running out .

Wishing her dead is not the solution but prayer.I don't see anything spiritual in all you've said,don't let no pastor come between you and her.Try to be close to her so your man can be happy.As for wearing blue,I suggest you mix blue with your fav.color,believe me you'll both be happy instead of saying no.Let your guy convince her to use your pastor since you are the woman i think it's you that should choose the pastor.
God bless you sister and congrats on your new life

sweetthang:

@cute-ass,are you married? you sound soooo sweet! thanks,i think i agree with you somehow and i've always doubted that it's a spiritual strong hold,don't think she's that bad.Will try snd i've tried some of your suggestions,will keep trying.She disturbs usme everytime,home and abroad! Right now,i'm not in naija and i've spoken to her three times today!

lol . . no ooh dear, not yet

well one of life's constant fact is that nothing, absolutely nothing can be perfect. We just have to choose the option where the good weighs more than the bad

in your situation, your good is triple the size of the bad. When your wedding and building construction is over, what else will she have to be "cheif of the armed-forces" over? lol.

Before something else comes up, she'd have been taken by other things e.g grand-children

Don't worry dear, it shall work out fine

ThiefOfHearts:
This is pretty much the reason why I can't date a dude who's a single child or only male of a household. Unnecessary garbage because the mother doesnt have anyone else cept him to constantly bother.

I don't see anything wrong with dating an only child or only son or whatever,it's upto you to put up your best bahavior.

Mychoice:

I don't see anything wrong with dating an only child or only son or whatever,it's upto you to put up your best bahavior.

seconded!!!

lol whatever.

best behavior indeed. Im sure the OP is question isnt a "horrible" person yet look at what she's going thru. Nonsense.

ThiefOfHearts:

lol whatever.

best behavior indeed. I'm sure the OP is question isnt a "horrible" person yet look at what she's going through. Nonsense.

@ ThiefOfHearts

dear, ok, maybe the "behaviouor" theory wan't the real thing but there's absolutely nothing wrong in dating an only child or only son. Every situation whether dating the only boy or dating one of 5 boys, there's no guaratee to hapiness. You have to create your hapiness in whatever situation you find yourself.

Love is a feeling, feelings cannot be controlled. Are you saying you'll turn your back on love and hapiness only because the guy in question is an only son.

Come to think of it, you can become a daughter to the lady, playing your cards right because she sure wouldn't say no to a daughter. But not every daughter-in-law can be a daughter

Mychoice:

I don't see anything wrong with dating an only child or only son or whatever,it's upto you to put up your best bahavior.

yes nothing wrong with dating him, but , there is a big BUT

best behaviour lmao, it can only take you so far, some mothers will never see the good in you, even if you died and came back as Mother theresa

I tend to run from risks, cute_ass dear. 

Sure not ALL single children have annoying parents that will hound their marriages but I rather not stay in a relationship to find out whether such would happen or not. Notice I said "that is why I cant" and not "you should not"

Of course, its unfair to say you can't make your own decisions. We're all different, so are our choices

Except you want to kill her, her death date is X - unknown.

As per the Pastor stuff; simply speak to your pastor who inturn will make it clear that in your church only the pastors do the joining but her pastor could be given a role as part of the officiating team - Bible reading, sermon, song calling etc.

As for the aso-ebi, you and your husband should use the colour you both like and later change to her color sometime during the event; you are entitled to change as many times as possible. Alternatively you may consider wearing her choice during the thanksgiving ceremony. Otherwise, your friends could use the colour you like, her family use the colour she likes and your family choose their own colour. All three could be reflected in the colour code.

Apron strings are man-made. Prayerfully and tactfully loosen the apron string, that's one of your challenges as iyawo. Diplomacy will come in handy.

We all have a right to personal opinions,but personally I don't think there's anything wrong in dating or marrying an only child/son.Some mothers-in-law are just like that,no matter how hard you try even if your husband is the 2nd of 10 children.From the post,I think the woman in question is just jealous,believe it or not.She can't imagine another woman taking such active role in her son's life.I tell you,if this woman has 10 boys,she'll probably do the same to all their wives.All you need is prayer and prayer and you really have to go out of your way to please her and avoid having any trouble with her.
As per the wedding runs,i love night angel's suggestion,it sounds fair enough.

sisimose:

yes nothing wrong with dating him, but , there is a big BUT

best behaviour lmao, it can only take you so far, some mothers will never see the good in you, even if you died and came back as Mother theresa

you are right sisimose,very right,some are just like that!

But you mentioned a BUT,what is the BUT in marrying only sons o?

@ Topic you seem to have had valued advice on here and there's nuffin i feel ave been left out,hope you get to celebrate your big day with a happy smile and reach some form of compromise w/your mother-in-law! Best wishes and may your marriage be Blessed!

Thank you all for your wonderful contributions. I have read through your responses and I feel so blessed. I believe I am not a bad person,I try my best to be kind to this woman,i know she loves her son and because i love him too,i have had to put up with so much,but she seems not to appreciate it!

As for the aso ebi,me and my fiance will not wear her color for the main thing but immediately after the engagement we'll wear hers,what do you think? my pastor also said her pastor will be one of the officiating ministers that day,and she said she'll have to talk to her pastor first. Yesterday,she called to tell my fiance to pay some money into her account so she can buy our aso ebi. I have plans to buy them myself. . .i told her so and she said,ok o,have it your way,obviously she was angry!

@sweet
Thank God oh! You are on the right track. Goodluck with everything and all the best.
what Night-Angel wrote is actually very helpful.
Take care

@Mychoice
make we leave the but, i no wan spoil sweet mind as she is on the right track so far.

Diplomacy!

Next time she appears angry simply say "ah Mummy k'on se be o, ore mi or ore "your husband" (not your mummy, not your husband) kan ti send awon samples kan si wa won de nice gaan, t'eyin na ba ri e like e, a ti e ti fun ni balance. Mi fe ke tun fi stress aso ti wa kun gbogbo nkan to wa n'ile bayi. Se k'on se p'e bi nu o?

Let your pastor handle the officiating part; don't say a word to make her feel better, it will only make her feel worse. The best you can do is "e ma worry, ko si bi won se ni je ki pastor yin participate, ojo ayo yin ni". If your mum were to get this way, how would you handle her? Handle his mum in like manner.

I wish you a day of joy that marks the beginning of other joys.

@night angel,
I must commend you on your wonderful posts! To say that you are not even a woman! Honestly your suggestions are working wonders for me here o,thanks a million times, didn't know we have guys like you here.

i agree with all your responses but that of wearing blue colour for her wedding against her wish is just RUBBISH[/color]-absolute NONSENSE[color=Black].I can't do that and can't advise anyone to do so. Marriage is a once in a lifetime affair and shouldn't be compromised for any reason at all.

My aunt told me a rather funny story like this. A friend of hers was asked by the mother-in-law (on her wedding) day to give them space to take a 'family picture' ! Is the bride and the other sons and daughters-in-law not part of the family? This same woman will not allow any of her sons' wives to enter her kitchen because she doesn't allow visitors in to her kitchen,even after two years of marriage into the family!
Some people have hearts of stone and there's no way you can soften them except through prayers. Thank God,your case is not that bad.Just thank your stars!

My Dear,

I am in a similar situation and i want to tell u that what you know you can't bear till the end, don't even start it, if u think your Fiance's mum will let you be when you guys get married,you are wrong because what she is doing right now is just an intro. My marriage is at the verge of breaking up because i have a mother in law that won't let us be.When we were preparing for our wedding, she wanted everything done in her way and taste, i gave in to most of her them  so that she would be happy and that was number 1 mistake i made and then number two was agreeing to live in the family house for just a few months which has turned out to be 14 months of hell. you know the adage "give someone an inch and the person takes a mile". That is what i ve been experiencing in my marriage, before we embark on any project, we have to seek her approval and if she doesn't approve, we don't do it. we spend more time with her than we spend with each other just to make her happy,(she has other children o!) we eat her food most of the time but the day i decide to cook for my husband it becomes a big fight.I personally have done evrything i could do just to make sure everybody is happy, of course everybody is happy but i am not cos i don't have a say in the house anymore,don't even have the right to tell my husband to spend time with me. if i venture try to complain, they would enage in a cold war with me. if we are in our own apartment, she will call or flash her son to  come and stay with her in the main house, its that bad.

So what I am saying is that,though you have a great relationship with your Fiance now, but if his mum keeps interferring in your affairs, sooner or later, you will start having problems with him because when you are married things change and it takes the grace of God to keep your marriage. The bible that says a man must leave his father and mother know that if a man doesn't leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, there must be problem in that marrige. Open your eyes now and take your stand from now, plan your wedding the way you know will make you and your husband happy, wear what you want to wear, start running your affairs from now because once you get into the marriage and try to take your stand as the wife, everybody, including your husband will say your behaviour has changed because you think you are now fully in the family, they will never take side with you except your husband is really a man that can stand with his wife, come what may.

Most importantly pray earnestly so that that your Fianace can detach from his mum and make up his mind to start his own family with you. Respect her and play your role as the wife, visit her when you have to but do not allow her run your home, if you do, i am sorry but you will just be unhappy in your marriage. [b]One of the joys of being married as a woman is to be able to run your home and make decisions with you husband that will count, not just sitting there and answering MRS somebody and your presence is not felt in the home because mother in law is in charge. [/b] All the best.

Nite Angel:

Diplomacy!

Next time she appears angry simply say "ah Mummy k'on se be o, ore mi or ore "your husband" (not your mummy, not your husband) kan ti send awon samples kan si wa won de nice gaan, t'eyin na ba ri e like e, a ti e ti fun ni balance. Mi fe ke tun fi stress aso ti wa kun gbogbo nkan to wa n'ile bayi. Se k'on se p'e bi nu o?

Erm, please kindly translate this part for other non-speakers of the language. Thanks.

But on a serious note, sweetthang why don't you guys settle in another city? If your mother-in-law lives in Lagos, I beg make una move go Abuja. If she lives in Ibadan, then choose Port-Harcourt as your base.

Finally, don't you have caller ID? Just switch your phone on to voice mail, when her calls become too frequent. If she calls three times a day, pick up the phone once, and let the other two calls go into voice mail. Chikena!

I honestly think it's the guy's responsibility to untie the strings from his mom's apron and tie it to his wife's.
I understand it may seem uncaring and unappreciative to the mother, but for the sake of his own nuclear family (the mother becomes an extended family from the day he says i do).

My fiance is the only male in his family plus the father left them since he was 2 years old, so he's the mom's husband(like the yoruba's say omo eni loko eni). To be fair, the mother gives us our space but i think its because of how my fiance deals with the situations. He loves his mom to pieces but he tells me he loves me more. If she calls his phone, he tells me to pick the call, only if she really has smthg to tell him that he'll collect the phone n talk with her. otherwise he'll call her himself later to say hi. He'll buy credit and ask me to send it to his mom on my phone, if he wants to give her some money, he'll ask me to go get it and give to her. When she sends a txt to either of our phones its hello ''mr and mrs'' because she knows we'll both get to read it.

so i think the lady should pipe low, stay in the background whilst the hubby detach himself carefully and attach to his wife.

What u won't accept later, you'd better start refusing now. press the button (ur hussy) and he'll be the spokesman.

We're getting to say i do in december too.

laudate:

But on a serious note, sweetthang why don't you guys settle in another city? If your mother-in-law lives in Lagos, I beg make una move go Abuja. If she lives in Ibadan, then choose Port-Harcourt as your base.

We don't even live in the same Country,praise God.

laudate:

Finally, don't you have caller ID? Just switch your phone on to voice mail, when her calls become too frequent. If she calls three times a day, pick up the phone once, and let the other two calls go into voice mail. Chikena!

I do that a lot,even the son does it more than me. Infact,for the past few days,he's not been picking all her calls. We pick like two out of five calls these days.

titilayomi:

I honestly think it's the guy's responsibility to untie the strings from his mom's apron and tie it to his wife's.
I understand it may seem uncaring and unappreciative to the mother, but for the sake of his own nuclear family (the mother becomes an extended family from the day he says i do).

Honestly, he's trying his best to do that. The problem is,he started rather late. He grew up obeying her and I was the first reason for him to defy her and I'm trying not to push too hard. She's really nice to me,but she's a pest. I think it's more of nature. Obviously,your guy's mum is not the domineering type but mine is, that's the difference.  

@st domain, I feel you and I'm trying my best to run my home the way I want, difficult as it is! I can see light at the end of the tunnel .

I think you should definitely take St.Domain's advice since she obviously knows what the situation is like.

@sweethang, since your fiance is trying his best, then i believe its a matter of time, and she'll get it in that, he's someelse's husband now tho he remains her son. My own lil advice is that you should stay in the background of it though, don't do the untying vividly with your man or else she might think you're all out to steal him away from her and then she'll want to fight more, tooth and nail to have him to herself. I feel the woman too, you know it aint easy letting go of an only child. . .

shalom.

quote from sweetthang

She's really nice to me,but she's a pest

I feel you girl, maybe my mother in law and yours are sisters, they come to you so nicely that to resist them is hard cos it seems like they are after the interest of everyone whereas they just want to stay close to their son and be in the picture of every decision you guys make. She will say something like " i just want to advise you, it's not a must that you take it" but in actual sense she is indirectly commanding you to do what she wants. My girl shine your eyes o! these women are very smart  and they know how to get what they want, so you too has to be very smart to out smart her in such a way that you won't offend your guy.You have to be tactful. When she says something that you disagree with just jokingly tell her your mind.

I wish you the very best.

@sweetthang, How are you and your "sweet" mama-in-law?   hope she's feeling nairalanders' advice take care girl.