I am engaged to be married by December this year, my traditional marriage was supposed to be this month but my man shifted it, and said he was broke that he would be able to gather the money for the rites by November, when I met him I knew his salary amount and recently, he was promoted so his salary was increased by almost a 100percent . So I was surprised that before the month runs out he would complain of being broke.. Last week during my off day from work, I went to his village to visit his parents I noticed that he has started building a new house on his land that was meant to be our site for the building of our house in the village. We had planned together on having our own home all along, I felt so heartbroken that he kept it a secret from me. This is not the first time he is acting this way,we may be together now and he would tell me he is on his way to work and I won't know that he may travel to Lagos that same day and come back and I would never know. And eventually when I find out he would beg me that he is sorry dat he wanted to surprise me! That's also what he told me when I asked him why he was building behind my back. For a big project such as building a house?
Pls nairalanders, I need your opinions on this because right from the onset,I told him that I am not so comfortable with the location of that land it is a family land and his parents live there it is just divided with a fence, so I told him we can build there later on since it is his village but we should get a land in town and build there first because I would want privacy, although he is a wonderful guy, he is a mama's boy so I just feel he would lay down all my business to his parents wen we have misunderstandings as he has done most of the time in the past,I feel he hid his building project from me because he feels I am against it. And honestly I won't want to live there especially as newly weds.by right i am meant to encourage him on embarking on a project but the thought of living there after the wedding scares me and he is rushing it. we planned a 3 bedroom bungalow(but his mom told me that he is building a one bedroom BQ first so that we can move in there) but that was not what both of us agreed upon. I feel so sad about this.

xtassie: I feel so sad about this.

ehyyyaaa.. i feel sad too

If he lies now in the name of surprise, he would keep it up down the line.

If he tells mama everything now before marriage, he'd do it after.

My question is; can you live with his shortcomings? If not, the door is still open. Don't let your marriage be a negative statistic

You berra shine ya eye. If you aren't comfortable with things, you're less likely to be when married. You need to weigh your options and decide to either go along with it or call it off.

The signs are there...try to interpret them and project them into months away from now.


All the best!

Be prepared for a long walk that may be filled with "had I known".......


Your destiny is in your hands.

Its either your naturally dumb or just plain as childish (stupid).
So, after seeing all this signs BeFORE your marriage, your still looking for a prophet to tell you that your "marriage" if eventually it happens wouldn't be a happy one?
#neways.... Goodluck shaa...

Better seek out a grown man for marriage, the route you are heading will be quite thorny. Clearly he isn't mentally matured for marriage...



Did you say he reports you to his mum and you are still hers asking questions?

Na wah! Love done dey shine eyes these days. I can't tell u to quit cuz husband dey scares.

I'll leave u with the Nigerian solution: PRAY, PRAY and PRAY. All is well.

Get on your knees and give glory to God that you are not married yet. Your husband is still out there waiting for you to find him.

The signs are there for you to see.....very very clear
You can ignore them, but get ready to open many many more threads like this in future

I hope that's not your portion, wishing you the best

The annoying thing is how people begin to tell their partners things they don't like or expect changes after getting engaged. Do you guys just date for one month and propose? I don't get it.

I dnt know what you are still waiting for. The mere fact that he is even a mama's boy should shake the cells in your brain to know what to do. I fear for you. If you can't tell yourself the truth now that you have the chance then I dnt know what to tell you. Honestly ask yourself 'is this how i am gonna live for the rest of life'? Please use your brain. Its not rocket science.

Dygeasy: The annoying thing is how people begin to tell their partners things they don't like or expect changes after getting engaged. Do you guys just date for one month and propose? I don't get it.

This is our 5th year in the Relationship, he proposed last year, and yes when we started dating he was a mama's boy cos he just finished nysc and was still living with his parents so he was and is still really attached to his mom, b4 he moved out when he got a job but over the years he has changed, but right from time I had told him that we should get a land somewhere else to build and I believe in second chances because I am not perfect either I forgive easily and move on. My fear is the fact that if we move back close to his parents he may go back to being his old self. I just feel it would be a little selfish on my part to tell him to abandon the land he has just because I am scared of staying close to his parents and go and buy a brand new land. Thanks for your contribution

xtassie: I am engaged to be married by December this year, my traditional marriage was supposed to be this month but my man shifted it, and said he was broke that he would be able to gather the money for the rites by November, when I met him I knew his salary amount and recently, he was promoted so his salary was increased by almost a 100percent . So I was surprised that before the month runs out he would complain of being broke.. Last week during my off day from work, I went to his village to visit his parents I noticed that he has started building a new house on his land that was meant to be our site for the building of our house in the village. We had planned together on having our own home all along, I felt so heartbroken that he kept it a secret from me. This is not the first time he is acting this way,we may be together now and he would tell me he is on his way to work and I won't know that he may travel to Lagos that same day and come back and I would never know. And eventually when I find out he would beg me that he is sorry dat he wanted to surprise me! That's also what he told me when I asked him why he was building behind my back. For a big project such as building a house?
Pls nairalanders, I need your opinions on this because right from the onset,I told him that I am not so comfortable with the location of that land it is a family land and his parents live there it is just divided with a fence, so I told him we can build there later on since it is his village but we should get a land in town and build there first because I would want privacy, although he is a wonderful guy, he is a mama's boy so I just feel he would lay down all my business to his parents wen we have misunderstandings as he has done most of the time in the past,I feel he hid his building project from me because he feels I am against it. And honestly I won't want to live there especially as newly weds.by right i am meant to encourage him on embarking on a project but the thought of living there after the wedding scares me and he is rushing it. we planned a 3 bedroom bungalow(but his mom told me that he is building a one bedroom BQ first so that we can move in there) but that was not what both of us agreed upon. I feel so sad about this.

He has told you who he is. Take it or leave it. He is NEVER going to change

Sophyrocks: I dnt know what you are still waiting for. The mere fact that he is even a mama's boy should shake the cells in your brain to know what to do. I fear for you. If you can't tell yourself the truth now that you have the chance then I dnt know what to tell you. Honestly ask yourself 'is this how i am gonna live for the rest of life'? Please use your brain. Its not rocket science.

Thanks for your contribution, our earlier stage of dating was challenging cos he was too attached and tells all to his mom, not necessarily reporting but asking for their advice or I see it as he gossips me but he is has changed not 100 percent sha and I see him trying to make the effort to be better ,that is the only challenge I have with him other than that he treats me like a queen and I can honestly say I am happy in the Relationship that was why I was quite shocked when I saw the sand and blocks used for the building. All I want to know is if I was not considerate to him telling him to abandon a land he has on a platter of gold to buy from a nearby community,(I feel that was what made him start the building behind my back) I wouldn't mind if he was not so attached to mama ( his mom is Ill with a terminal disease) so I try to understand why he wants to see her all the time, but I fear is that he may go back to his being a mama's boy wen he moves since mom would be always around.. And I need my privacy

Just like someone has said earlier, you have to sit down and ponder on it. If you feel you can tolerate this attitude of his, then go on with the marriage plans. If not, quit it before it gets too late.
You'll be deceiving yourself thinking you can change him cos honestly, people don't change! The only choice you have again is if you can kill his mum, which I know you can't.

The reason why he treats you so nice is because his mother raised he was raised by a Queen.
Give your man some credit, at least when you speak out he adjusts, trying to cut him off completely from his mother is selfish and myopic. From the begining of your post see how you exaggerated if not for subsequent post which showed the real picture we would have bashed him taya.

Stop using the experience of othersto Judge him, so far apart from owning a land close to his parents he has done nothing wrong. If other people have horror stories about mother in laws close your ears and see yours for what and who they are.

My husband only moved out of his parents place when we married, he is very very close to his mom and instead of getting intimidated she welcomed me with so much love and I gladly accepted, these days I talk with her more than he does. Me and her will be on the phone for hours discussing all the little little things men dont have the patience to discuss.

I give her so much credit because if she hadnt raised him to be such a warm kind hearted man na me for suffer am. He is close to his mother, he treats you well, would you prefer he was distant from his mother and emotionally detached from you too so you and the mother go form lamentation support group?

My Mother In Law is a part of our lives because WE ARE FAMILY, there is no MY MOTHER YOUR MOTHER there are only nice relations and bad relations on both sides.

Stop being so paraniod, stop making him feel bad for being nice and close to his mother, stop making him feel guilty for owning a land. From what you wrote there is nothing wrong with your mother in law, she raised that man to treat you like a queen, dont use other peoples stories to ruin your marriage abeg.

The guy has a land in his village, You come in dictating for him where to buy land. Do you know the cost of land in town? How much are you going to contribute to the venture and fund your own advice?

What is wrong with us ladies really?
We have twisted our minds so much and created problems for our selves.

The man and his family seem okay from your other explanations, you are the paraniod one who has already created a problem in hermind and fed her fear to the man who may not have enough money to buy another land now and so has to secretely start building on the one he has something you both should have been doing.

Is it not this family upbringing that made this man the man he is today? If they were a terrible domineering family would you even enjoy the love and peace you currently enjoy?

Is it not this same family that keeps him grounded?

Like I said while I had my own place my husband lived with his parents till we got our own place, I never asked why or even make it an issue and one day he told me himself. With the resources at his disposal and the kind of city we live in, Living alone would have turned him into a nightmare as there is so much drugs, cheap se-x and what have you in that circle not that he couldnt affford it and its the money saved from not renting that funded part of our investment.

Stop steroetyping people abeg. This is a good man, deal with your own fear and stop making him panic over a non- existant problem jare.

When men dont give us trouble by womanising, drinking and acting out we start looking for how to manufacture trouble

I thnk girls need 2b supportive 2 there guys an not d oda way round. And dey should stop been authoritative in there dealings.

xtassie:
Thanks for your contribution, our earlier stage of dating was challenging cos he was too attached and tells all to his mom, not necessarily reporting but asking for their advice or I see it as he gossips me but he is has changed not 100 percent sha and I see him trying to make the effort to be better ,that is the only challenge I have with him other than that he treats me like a queen and I can honestly say I am happy in the Relationship that was why I was quite shocked when I saw the sand and blocks used for the building. All I want to know is if I was not considerate to him telling him to abandon a land he has on a platter of gold to buy from a nearby community,(I feel that was what made him start the building behind my back) I wouldn't mind if he was not so attached to mama ( his mom is Ill with a terminal disease) so I try to understand why he wants to see her all the time, but I fear is that he may go back to his being a mama's boy wen he moves since mom would be always around.. And I need my privacy

Lord have mercy his mother even has a terminal disease and you are here acting as if you are doing him a favor by "understanding" I dont even have words for you.
His mother may be dying and you are here typing selfish epistles. JESUS, honestly you need deliverance. Mothers need to fast and pray against Daughter in Laws like you. Somebody's mum is dying and you are here adding to his problems with your pettiness. Please LEAVE HIM you will be doing him a favor, you are to selfish for such a kind man

No spouse comes in a complete package like no man/women comes exactly in the way we want it. There is always something we probably won't like/or would have loved hence you often hear people say " my husband /wife is perfect except -------". It is good also to remember that most regrets in marriages today are what people already knew about their spouse.

The best and honest way to always go about this is to ask yourself if you can live with that shortcomings, if yes, go ahead if not leave the relationship. You only know what you can or cannot tolerate. People can tolerate different things. One woman can tolerate one thing and cannot stand another thing. I know a woman that cannot tolerate a husband that smokes ,but can tolerate one that womanises. Her reason is that the one that smokes appears irresponsible. It made me wonder if a man that womanises appears responsible. Another woman might just believe the opposite. Something that is a big issue to one person might be a small issue to another.

@ op
You have a man that treats you like a queen. You also have a mummy's boy who wants to live near his parents. You have to decide if you can live with that for the rest of your life because he may or may not change.

@Aisha2, I agree with most things you wrote but not every woman can live with their in-laws even if they are the best in-laws. Also not every woman can do mummy's boy.

xtassie:
This is our 5th year in the Relationship, he proposed last year, and yes when we started dating he was a mama's boy cos he just finished nysc and was still living with his parents so he was and is still really attached to his mom, b4 he moved out when he got a job but over the years he has changed, but right from time I had told him that we should get a land somewhere else to build and I believe in second chances because I am not perfect either I forgive easily and move on. My fear is the fact that if we move back close to his parents he may go back to being his old self. I just feel it would be a little selfish on my part to tell him to abandon the land he has just because I am scared of staying close to his parents and go and buy a brand new land. Thanks for your contribution

If you mean someone who reports you to his mum when there's a fight has changed, you my dear are in denial. If you continue consoling yourself like this you just might get the worse off and of the marriage.

I lost my mother to cancer, I was in my final year at university when she was ill. I moved out of the hostel to care for her. Most days I had to be forced off to school to write my final exams. I didnt mind having an extra year, all I wanted was to be close to her and do all it takes to make her all better.
Only God knows how I passed my finals as all my concern then was to help her scratch her body when itching, massage her pain, give her sponge bathes, carry her and love her. Even though we had hired care givers I felt I could do it better.
Till today I thank God for that opportunity as that was all I could give her back for all her love, care and sacrifices, she wasnt around to get my first salary or any thing but joy is that I did my best for her when she was ill.

May God help any silly boyfriend then who would have complained that I was spending to much time with her or call me a "Mummys girl".

Wow!! The mum is sick, abeg you just have to be considerate here. Leave the man to Care for his mother.

Yes, you're very selfish and inconsiderate! He has a land in the village but you want him to buy a land in Lag simply because you're scared of him being close to his mum. If his closeness to his mum really threatens you, then you need to reconsider and find out if you're really mature to enter into marriage! Yes, you, not him, you are the problem! You're the reason he is hidding things from you because you don't support him when he does! How will he ever tell you of his plans when you're simply going to kick against it?

I don't think you're matured enough for marriage. You prefer to continue paying house rent instead of support your fiancée to build? All because you don't want him to relate well with his mum?

And for those advising you to quit the relationship, please heed to their advice and save the man some troubles. But have it in mind that it won't take him 2 months to start a new relationship; and any girl she finds will most certainly stick with him like glue!

xtassie:

Thanks for your contribution, our earlier stage of dating was challenging cos he was too attached and tells all to his mom, not necessarily reporting but asking for their advice or I see it as he gossips me but he is has changed not 100 percent sha and I see him trying to make the effort to be better ,that is the only challenge I have with him other than that he treats me like a queen and I can honestly say I am happy in the Relationship that was why I was quite shocked when I saw the sand and blocks used for the building. All I want to know is if I was not considerate to him telling him to abandon a land he has on a platter of gold to buy from a nearby community,(I feel that was what made him start the building behind my back) I wouldn't mind if he was not so attached to mama ( his mom is Ill with a terminal disease) so I try to understand why he wants to see her all the time, but I fear is that he may go back to his being a mama's boy wen he moves since mom would be always around.. And I need my privacy

I hereby withdraw my statement above. Your guy needs to build his house inside his mum's compound if possible.

Meanwhile, you can iron out the surprises he usually give you. Let him understand you are not comfortable with it but for his mum's part, please don't go there. The mum should enjoy her last days with her loved ones including your guy.

simplex2: Yes, you're very selfish and inconsiderate! He has a land in the village but you want him to buy a land in Lag simply because you're scared of him being close to his mum. If his closeness to his mum really threatens you, then you need to reconsider and find out if you're really mature to enter into marriage! Yes, you, not him, you are the problem! You're the reason he is hidding things from you because you don't support him when he does! How will he ever tell you of his plans when you're simply going to kick against it?

I don't think you're matured enough for marriage. You prefer to continue paying house rent instead of support your fiancée to build? All because you don't want him to relate well with his mum?

And for those advising you to quit the relationship, please heed to their advice and save the man some troubles. But have it in mind that it won't take him 2 months to start a new relationship; and any girl she finds will most certainly stick with him like glue!

Bros this really makes sense,Girls of nowadays trying to play smart....Guys need to shine their eyes ooo..

@OP listen to this song...K. Michelle - Can't Raise A Man

Its just too late for you to start thinking of changing the man!

I would have said run but waitooooo

do you love him?
is he in love with you?

Apart from this, is there something else he does that you do not like and cannot tolerate?

I am not married yet, and i am not a marriage councilor but If a girl I'm gonna get married scored 75% character wise, i think I can tolerate 25%.

You cannot have it 100% you know? so map out the score you think you can tolerate. if this one is not among what you can tolerate please run because it will not stop.

Richy4: I would have said run but waitooooo

do you love him?
is he in love with you?

Apart from this, is there something else he does that you do not like and cannot tolerate?

I am not married yet, and i am not a marriage councilor but If a girl I'm gonna get married scored 75% character wise, i think I can tolerate 25%.

You cannot have it 100% you know? so map out the score you think you can tolerate. if this one is not among what you can tolerate please run because it will not stop.

I sort of agree with this. There's never going to be the perfect one. But a liar? I can do a lot but I cannot stand a liar. He is too comfortable with lies. He might be saying he loves her but he could be lying about that. If he says he will pay the children's tuition she would not believe it until he actually does it. How do you respect someone like that? My word is my bond and there's no other way but that. She will grow to not respect him. Most people cannot love someone they cannot respect. Eventually it will take a toll.

Any man dat report his wife or wife to be to his mother is not a man.

Xtassie It is difficult to find a good man and you have one who treats you well so hold onto him. Most ladies telling you to leave this man will grab him without a second thought.
Nobody is perfect including you.
Your man is grown now. According to you he is no longer a mum's boy so why fear.
The only problem with your man is that he is secretive(that if he doesnt lie too). He may be keeping info to himself if you are not the understanding type(i have been there). Be firm with him and tell him how uncomfortable you are with him not being open. That you want a soulmate who shares all necessary information with you. Let him know that he makes it difficult for you to trust him.