hey, i pride mysekf as a humor writer, having the ability to write some fun into everyday situations. this is an account of a date i had a few months ago. enjoy

it was a sort of blind date, I hadn’t seen the girl in about 8 years, so i’d say it was more of a cataract date. the venue was the popular e-center at yaba. I am goin to skip the awfully embarrassing things that happened before the meeting and skip righ into the juicy parts of the meeting.
i arrived first of course, even though the girl had sworn on her mother’s yet to be dug grave that she was already on her way while I was still dressing up. girls and their sense of timing are a discourse for another day. I had never been to the place and commited the idiocy of asking the bike man who dropped me right in front for the main location of the complex.he looked at me curiosly abd pointed behind me. I turned back and immediately assumed a picture of sheepishness. I thanked him and quietly stode into the place. I placeda call to the girl and nearly went into cardiac arrest when it rang without being picked. I briefly thought about what the girl wud look like, it wasn’t much of a thought cos I cudnt remember a damn thing about her except her eyes. I replaced her mental image with the stuff of fantasy and steeled myself for a minor shock.

the place was big and intimidating. just inside a woman was setting up what would be a chocolate fountain. it was airtight and really nice looking. I spied an escalator to the far end of the first floor and an elevator directly in front of me. now I have never been in any of these things so I calmly looked for the stairs. I feel foolish for using the word look cos the stair were right in front of me while I searched everywhere else.
before climbing an actress strode in and came strgight to me before asking,
“hi. please what is this place for?”

i immediateky took note of my surroundings and began
“it’s a supermarket, chocolate fountain stop, eatery and cinema all in one”
i hoped she would be impressed by the expert i’d become.
she nodded, said a thank you and moved off to explore herself. that was close!.
i climbed up to the second floor and into a world of colourful adverts, perfume shops, unisex salons and all the fancy things people with bulging pockets spend their money on. I put another call to my date.she told me she was there and that I should come outside. drat! I had wanted to have the advantage of watching her walk in so i’d slip out the back door if I didn’t like what I saw. she had played me again. well, there’s always a first time, I thought, after which voice reminded me that it was the second actually(then I fancied the voiced cleared its throat, but it could have been my imagination, right?)
i walked out feeling like very confidently. I was aware she wud be looking at me from wherever she was so I endeavoured to find her ans break the status quo. I began unconsciously looking for slim young girls. I saw a lot of them of course only they were rushing to a point behind me. I saw a girl coming out of a taxi a few yards away and decided she was uche(daz her name). I wanted to go around the chubby figure infront of me so I could get close, but that was not to be.
as I made to move to the side, the figure in front called.
“chidera”.
my native name. I looked down at the slightly shorter figure. the first graphic idea I got was of an upright pig with housefly eyes bound with a g-string made of steel. but behold, it was a she!.she looked like she was gonna leak from her clothes unto the pavement. ok, maybe not. on closer inspection I realised she was putting on huge shades. I made a separate connection to the effect that this was my date. I wiped the stunned look off my face and managed a smile. now don’t get me wrong. she was a beautiful girl, really. I just hadn’t expected she would come in a bag. I didn’t know if I should hug her or something. my eyes were drawn to her body. hugging her would make me look like an amateur Sumo wrestler looking for a hold on his opponent, so I made do with a whispered “hi”. lights were goin off in my head. surely this mammoth(ok, maybe not) would eat like a, well, mammoth. or dinosaur. dinosaur’s good.

Sequel coming up

Hi "Chidera",

Good try.
You may make a good writer, but some words of advice.

- Slow down. You seemed in too much of a rush to get to your punch-line that the writeup became verbose (too many unnecessary words)
- Humor can come without resorting to the grotesque. The danger in this approach is that, once the ideas dry up, you may find yourself resorting to extremities of description and imagination to elicit the same amount of "humor" - alienating a section of your audience in the process.

But you do have a future. You may also wish to read more classics. These give words with which to "dress" up ideas.
Good luck!

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