we respect the marriage instituition very well and moreover it is an individual thing, that is why he needs a vacation before he does something drastic like divorce!

//

tshepiso:

dear i already have a great nigerian man!thanks but no thanks!i am just recommending he takes a vacation not necessarily south africa.abi na village you wan make him go?abi you like wetin dey happen to the man,and you no need to dey rude to me at all.na wa for you ooo!person like you fit do those kind thing to your man.

Really? On d contrary,I think you are a husband snatcher (hope u knw who a husband snatcher is). Plz leave married men alone if u must go far in life!

tshepiso:

dear i already have a great nigerian man!thanks but no thanks!i am just recommending he takes a vacation not necessarily south africa.abi na village you wan make him go?abi you like wetin dey happen to the man,and you no need to dey rude to me at all.na wa for you ooo!person like you fit do those kind thing to your man.

Really? On d contrary,I think you are a husband snatcher (hope u knw who a husband snatcher is). Plz leave married men alone if u must go far in life!

^^^ Easy on her. She is a married woman, married to a Nigerian. its on her profile.

^^and?

@oam4jenny

And so? Why SA like Cc said?

jennykadry:

@oam4jenny

And so? Why SA like Cc said?

lol @ oam4jenny; let Muki or my lovely Spikey grab you, your Id and IP will be banned PERMANENTLY 

Anyway, I just reason that if she is already married, she is probably not looking for another husband, and if she is not having it good with her current Nigerian husband she will not be looking for another naija to snatch.

As per her choice of SA, could be that is the only place she knows or she is just being patriotic by promoting her country tourism/hospitality. I might be wrong, but am just giving her a benefit of doubt.

@ oam4jenny that is true i am very happy with my husband,i stay in south africa and it is a huge coutry with diffent provinces i did not say he should come to me,maybe another province to set his mind straight!you cannot be married 21 years and let it go just like that!

U'v bin married for 21yrz? Congrats!

tshepiso:

@ oam4jenny that is true i am very happy with my husband,i stay in south africa and it is a huge coutry with diffent provinces i did not say he should come to me,maybe another province to set his mind straight!you cannot be married 21 years and let it go just like that!

I get your point.

BTW, i am OAM4J not OAM4Jenny. Jennykadry is madly in love with me and she wants to have a child with me at all cost, that is why she is calling me oam4jenny.

@odunnu

she is referring to the OP's marriage. she made a typo of 21 instead of 20. her age is only 23, she couldn't have been married for 21yrs.

OAM4J

If I catch you ehn, you go smell your yekini who wants to have kids with you? you have not finished paying your child support fee for them 5 kids we had together, why would I wanna have more with you?

hahahahaha 

how many times did I do the thing, wey u dey count 5 kids for me? No be you they beg me say make i come do am, say my yekini too sweet. na DNA test go settle the mata.

I beg no spoil my romance with Muki and Spikey with these your allegations o. Small time now you go open thread say i be 419, or did I ever say to you "I want to marry you and am serious abt it" 

OAM4j

Which yekini sweet? that one wey dey miss him target anytime e dey for action

I hate it when people come on here to tarnish my image, the image it took me over a decade to protect I hate liars, don't foget to tell them say all your kids get big heads courtesy of your genes

@ Betrayed

Let's look at this scenerio from anoda angle. I feel that your wife has not been at peace with herself, hence her telling you. Probably she confessed in order to unburden the secret she has been keeping to herself alone. She might feel her hiding this part of her life from u is not worth it after 20 yrs of marriage.

Come to think of it, I dont think she thought abt d pain her story was going to cause u. Of course, she knows she can't go back to the old flame and i dont think she wants out of her marriage. At least no reasonable woman wuld want to jeopardize her 20yrs marriage just for a man who ditched her to marry someone else.

I understand that no man likes being used as a 2nd fiddle/citizen, but at the same time dont let ur emotions cloud the msg she was trying to pass across. I'd rather say dt u should conclude without u knowing the exact reason 4 her belated confession.

As u've been advised, communicate wit her. It's a pity she didnt apply wisdom in her presentation. Indeed,hmm, "widom is profitable to direct"

Dude, this is harsh news. If this is real, I never personally knew anyone in this situation. It sucks!!!

What I learned is that after 20 years, you wife is selfish. She should have just lived with ther mistake, take it to the grave.

This is why I tell young men, in todays age, you need to be selfish yourself with a selfish woman. It balances out the relatinoship. You need to be selfish and do what is best for you.

Period!!!!

With the benefit of hindsight, most of the problems and quarrels we had early in our marriage was because she would want me to do things and behave in ways that this man normally would and I wouldn't cause we are just different people. I also did not know about him, so I didn't even know where all those issues and interest were coming from, and we were just quarrelling for nothing. She was trying to see this man in me which obviously was impossible. She took me through that stress for nothing.

I am not married yet,but i think the above is exactly the source of d revelation. Ur wife had always wanted u to behave like her ex so that there wud be no reason to regret not marrying him.U know women,they like this i better pass u think.So take it easy with her and dont ruin ur family with this.I am a young man and practically understand what ur wife is talking about.I currently v a gul who doesnt want to leave me just because she is so convinced that i will b great,but d irony is dat am not interested in her.Should her convictions come to pass she wud probably feel like ur wife.

Though she wudnt v told u,but ur inability to yield to her demands(as par behaving like her ex) pushed her to do so just to c if u cud change.She is just being naive.Dont kill her.

wow

I must commend your courage to bring this mind bugging issue of urs to NL, i can't particularly claim to know how u feel, but ur lines tell me u are very bitter and sour about the situation, considering the fact that you have invested so much energy and commitment to the marriage, and now u feel sooo insecure and doubt the future of the union.

First of all i would advise u to change your profile name (Betrayed) its one step to forgiving your self, we must understand that life is too short and is becoming shorter by the day to live in misery, u are obviously putting so much pressure and this could make u feel responsible for the situation and could lead to Depression.

Secondly call your wife like every sane adviser would advise, u have been married to her for 20yrs now and i don't think anyone knows her better than you do, ask her why she kept it away from u before the marriage and also ask her if there are other secrets she has been keeping, keep in mind that you must be willing to forgive her, also inquire from her if there is anything about you she would like to know. communication in marriage is inevitable.

My uncle and mentor who celebrated his 50th marriage anniversary last month, always advised intending couples who came to him that, they must accept that at one stage of the marriage one party is bound to fall out of love, but patience, perseverance, commitment and most importantly forgiveness would make them fall in love again,

You would be fine,

Husbands have this premonition that they'll die b/4 their wives. Take for example,

1.They like marrying wives who'll take over from when they're not there.
2.They write their Wills & Temperaments in favour of their wives, etc.

How's it around you, and/or your locality. Is this actually working against men? If it's true, why is it so? Let's interact positively & maturely.

^
Like WTH has this got to do with this thread?

Betrayed
If U are Xtian find a good Pastor and speak wit him
If not talk wit a marraige counsellor

NLanders won't giv U d advice U need
This is deep and hurting but I think its redeemable. Talk wit a counsellor

No need to worry over something you have not proved. Trust your wife. She has brought up this issue without any coercion so she means well. That's water under the bridge, sit down with her and let her iron out 'the dark areas'. Please, no divorce.

@ OP, I don't believe your wife actually did what she said, it may just be a way to get back at you over what you may have knowingly/unknowingly done to her.

Have you at any point compared her to anybody (mother,sister, friend etc) for any reason?. The fact that she's aware of your feelings and yet  gives no damn about it shows that she's enjoying herself while you're at one corner giving your BP a boost. That you're away most times may also be a reason for not knowing another(dramatic) part of her. If she didn't say the man was a renowned womanizer known to you, then, she wouldn't have achieved her aim,would she have said he's a pastor or a priest?. Think about it, if she also told you he's one pauper around the corner,you wouldn't have felt the pain. BELIEVE THIS,YOU'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING.

My sincere advice to you: pretend not to have heard what she said or worse still, be making jest of her with it and you'll know the true position.
We (women) can go to any length to ease our pains irrespective of whose ox is gored. Please relax and take it ease,nobody's worth killing oneself for.

I am sorry that I will be very frank and candid. Please pardon me if I hurt you further, but just know that I will say the truth from my perspective, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So help me GOD.

Why postpone the evil day? This evil has already happened. Do a DNA for your children and you will find out that your are not the biological father. Just face the truth and let GOD console you. You married the wrong woman who has been sleeping with other men for several years. It's so unfortunate, but I know that GOD will see you through the dificult moment.

@ simpleseyi, are you building or scattering?. What do you stand to gain if this union hits the rock?.
Please don't add salt to injury in the name of unconfirmed "truth". Thread softly when giving advice to hurting couple, if you're married, you should understand better.

A DNA is a must if you want to be sincere with yourself. It is better you find out yourself than for one man to appear from the moon and say that he is the bilogical father of your children.

I support what is good but I abhore evil. Adultery is evil.

Dear Sir,

Married for 20 years with 5 kids? and you want to divorce because of a past event? No sir, For the sake of your children please don't. As the Yoruba would say, Beheading cannot be the recommended solution for headache,

personally im not quite sure as to what i would do but speaking from my point of view and perspective in marriage you should only be one with another and not be spiteful or vindictive if you did do something that irritated her by accident and she told you this its obvious she doesnt value the meaning of love or marriage as love is doing all you can to create happiness for your other half not grief or strife the women in this group defend her as if it is right to do so nay you are wrong and no offense you have the wrong value you should never solve a misunderstanding but hurting someone is childish and evil @rose_75 if you do so ladies then you have to change, as for the calmly speaking to her about this i support but as you can see the man's wisdom of trying to seek opinion on how to handle this situation is pristine , quite different from how the wife chose to do, now onto my true purpose for this message sir please talk to her tell her everything thats on your mind leave no questions unanswered so u leave no doubts, if you want go get the Dna testing cse it is your right to know and no one can say otherwise, what you decide to do from there on out is up to you and God please pray you arrive at the right decision i will also include you in my prayers