By (a Nigerian residing in Canada)

August 2019

It is very easy for some of you Nigerians to want to sound posh and say "Plan for your retirement, your children owe you nothing."

Do you know that after the age of 18 years, your parents owe you NOTHING? Well, now you know.

1.
A parent can actually kick his or her ADULT child out of the house if he or she so wishes. It is assumed that as an adult, you should be taking care of yourself.

At the age of 18 years, I was yet to get into the University. I was still in my parents' home eating their food, spending their money, and living in their house. They owed me NOTHING but they allowed me.

When I was 20 years old, my father borrowed his one whole year salary (in advance) to pay my first year university tuition fees in the UK.

For more than a decade, my parents used a much larger percentage of their earnings on our education. So, how were they supposed to save for old age? Did I hear you say "You didn't ask them to give birth to you, so it's their responsibility?" That means you still don't get it.

My siblings and I were over 18 years old. We were ADULTS and the law in Canada permitted my parents to kick us out of their house. But they didn't anyway; they kept spending on us.

2.
Nigeria does NOT have a working welfare system. In the UK, Canada, USA and most developed countries, even though you don't have a child and you never worked your whole life; as long as you are a citizen, the government is responsible for taking care of you at old age. The government guarantees you the following:
1. Food.
2. Shelter.
3. Clothings.
4. Healthcare (as needed).
5. Protection.
6. Security.
7. Basic Human Rights.

Ladies and gentlemen, who guarantees you all these things in Nigeria? Even you who is an able bodied earning person in Nigeria, are you guaranteed all that?

Stop watching Hollywood and seeing SOME white people say they owe their parents nothing and start to copy. Your situation, orientation, background, socialization, upbringing and reality are a billion miles apart.

It would make sense if an average British or Canadian says "I'm not my parents' retirement plan."
You know why it would make sense?

Here is the answer: while you were still eating your parents' food and watching TV in your father's room; the Canadian or British person probably left high school at 16 or 17 or 18 years of age and started working because her parents expected her to at least contribute to the house bills or move out of their house and get her own apartment.
Go to McDonald's, Burger King, KFC etc and see high school leavers working as employees. They start work and start taking care of some of their bills as soon as they are 16 years old and after high school.

A typical British or Canadian who is 18 years old considers it a PRIVILEGE, & not a right, to still be allowed to live free of charge in her parents' home. While in Nigeria, 18 to 35 year olds are still in their parents' homes living free of charge and even collecting pocket money in some cases. Even up to January 2019 when I got sick and had to get out of work for a while, I still collected money from my mum and Dad. At my old age o o.

While my parents were borrowing their salaries to pay our tuition fees, some of my Canadian and British mates were signing their ways into hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt for college/University loans. Some of them who don't like the idea of college loans have to work a few years after high school to save up for University. And you Nigerian whose poor mother sold akara, sold her wrapper to train in school is saying you are not your mother's retirement plan? Are you sure everything is alright with you?

I have seen people whose parents used their retirement gratuity to send abroad or sponsor their education or start up businesses for them.

My cousins who came to Canada in 2015 were fully sponsored by their father. Their father received a retirement payout of about N20 million and used N15 million to sponsor his two children to Canada for further studies. They have graduated and got good jobs. Would it make sense for these my two cousins to open their mouths and say that they are not their father's retirement plan, even after their father used his retirement money to set them up in life?
Many parents gave up career to raise their children.

How many government-funded Elderly Care Homes do we have in Nigeria?

Nigeria is NOT a country where you can say you are not your parents' retirement plan. Except of course you are one of those unfortunate people whose parents were deadbeat.

But as a Nigerian, if your parents actually played their roles in your life, sacrificed for you, went wide and beyond for you, you'd be an insensitive child not to consider yourself part of their retirement plan.

Just like my father was before he died, my mum is in a career that will pay her good money in gratuity, then pay her her pension till she dies. She really does NOT need our money to survive at old age. But even at that, I'm still her MAIN retirement plan.

Whenever I want to buy a house here in Canada.... I mean my mortgage, I'll spare a room downstairs for my mum because she doesn't like it upstairs or basement. Yes! My mum will have a room in my house. I was planning same for my Dad but he didn't live long enough to see me get to that stage of my life.

See ehn... if you were born by nonchalant parents who cared very little or nothing for you, or who were deadbeat, or if you saw your father driving big cars while you were being chased out of your school for small school fees or if you had to struggle your way through life with very little or no assistance from either or both of your parents, then maybe it would make sense and be easy for you to say you are not their retirement plan.

However; try to understand that some of us saw our parents borrow, deprive themselves of the good things of life, sweat, work day and night, only to use EVERYTHING to fund the future of their children. It is difficult for any child who came out from my type of background to say he or she isn't her parents' retirement plan.

Personally, I feel that if I can't be my parents' retirement plan, then I've failed in life.

So true although sometimes, African parents over pressure their children maybe because of the money they have already invested in their children's future.

op just don't marry or get into any relationship, with everything you spelled out there.

It makes no sense for you to bring in another person to come between you and your mum.

Dedicate your time to taking care of her.

@ topic

In Nigerian culture, members are expected to work for the community, not personal interests. So, especially in Nigeria, any resources a person has (money, property, etc) is used for the benefit of the community, not necessarily or always their own children.

If children are not there, the parent will take up responsibility for someone else in need, so beating yourself up over how much you can repay your parents for all they did for you, does not mean they would not be ok without you.

It's a harsh truth but it is what it is.

Someone with a strong mind can insist on using his or her resources for his/her own offspring, many would just seek community approval while others would raise kids to have a strong sense of guilt towards them and the kids would forever be trying to assuage that guilt by compensating with over pampering the parents in order to feel loved and from a sense of obligation. There is no balance.

People live in their parents' house according to their individual situations and preferences, it's not always black and white or western versus African.



Many parents in Nigeria (I can't speak for the whole of Africa because I don't always know what obtains outside Nigeria) depend on their pensions from the government or what they can raise to sustain themselves, not every parent prefers to have to look to their children's whims for sustenance.

That's my own opinion.

It doesn't even paint a good picture of Nigerians if we are always depending on people for everything. If you help your parents, other folks don't need to hear, that's the sign of a well balanced child. Posting it online for everyone to know accomplishes what exactly? They are your parents, fulfill your duties to them as much as you can without involving the whole world.

Personally, I feel that if I can't be my parents' retirement plan, then I've failed in life.

It's unfortunate you feel that way, perhaps you should have reconsidered your decision to leave Nigeria if it would distance you from your parents.

God should help parents to be godly, and God should also help kids to be godly also.

There is no winning or losing here.

Also, parent is not only biological, as your non biological parent can also care for you.

Let's not be quick to copy all aspects of the western world - abandoning your parents to rot in a care home in old age is a very wicked, sickening and disgraceful thing to do.

The whites who practice such have descended into moral decadence. No roots, no culture - they die in misery and isolation.

As for me, I can never do such to my parents who laboured most of their lives, not just for their own gain, but also to propel me and my siblings into financial independence.

genq:
Let's not be quick to copy all aspects of the western world - abandoning your parents to rot in a care home in old age is a very wicked, sickening and disgraceful thing to do.

The whites who practice such have descended into moral decadence. No roots, no culture - they die in misery and isolation.

As for me, I can never do such to my parents who laboured most of their lives, not just for their own gain, but also to propel me and my siblings into financial independence.

Staying in Nigeria to care for your parents would provide them companionship without sacrificing their social well being.

I'd say don't leave the country if you feel the western world has decadent values and doesn't care for older people.

Nigeria has roots and culture, you shouldn't make your parents vacate that.

It's rather selfish when you say you support your parents but go away to further your own ambition instead of helping them by remaining physically around.

Op, you made a whole lot of sense!

Jman06:
Op, you made a whole lot of sense!

Comment on the preceding link please.

tpiar:

Comment on the preceding link please.

How does that relate to the op?

.

Jman06:
How does that relate to the op?

The op started both threads, so perhaps there are some challenges he or she has as per family which should be worked out .

[b]I just finished having a conversation with my dad about something similar.

My dad was an abusive father, you know the type that beats both his wife and kids without any remorse or mercy. He was a cheat, it got so bad that his girlfriend one of them anyways came to the house to fight mom. He was stingy, heck my dad stopped paying my fees in jss1 and he didn't care to know how my siblings and I will go to school. My mom took up responsiblity, going to the market to sell from there she registered in school, when she told my father she wanted to go to school it was met with "ASHAWO!ASHAWO! GO WHERE? Another round of beating but our church board came and asked him to let her go.

After school she got a job and she was earning over a 1000% higher than him but she still submitted everything still Mr man wasn't grateful. The beating continued for 23 years... Oh there was a time he hit her so hard and she landed in the hospital with brain trauma. Sometimes he would beat her and everybody and when the church or family members come my mom has to kneel down to beg.

My dad didn't care how we all went to the University, never saw the need to. My mother left finally in 2016. My siblings and I supported her fully and the man went about spreading rumors about my mom being a prostitute blah blah blah, na new thing? When he saw the blackmail wasn't working he wanted a share of the properties she bought.

So he called me today lamenting about getting old and no one to take care of him and all that. I knew he wanted to bring up my mother. I just told him I will call you back sir.



My father doesn't deserve to be taken care of by any of us, if not that I don't like being mean I would have asked him to contact those women he wasted his youth and money on but anyways am sure they wouldn't even let him come around them.


[/b]

Really - the most important thing is for Nigerians to stop having many kids. Max of three children should be enough. They spend their younger year having children that they forgot to live and plan for their old age. Not guaranteed anyone can take care of you and it shouldn't be that way anyway!
The poor one no dey hear!

You just described an average African man. Most of them -rich or poor.
Chick up and down, non caring attitude etc and in old age, they will be feeling entitled!
No, he doesn't deserve nothing...give if you can but don't make it a must do thing.
Please help your mom if you can... i see that as a great thing to do.
Learn a lesson from him and pass it on.

Mstick:
I just finished having a conversation with my dad about something similar.

My dad was an abusive father, you know the type that beats both his wife and kids without any remorse or mercy. He was a cheat, it got so bad that his girlfriend one of them anyways came to the house to fight my mom. He was stingy, heck my dad stopped paying my fees in jss1 and he didn't care to know how my siblings and I will go to school. My mom took up responsiblity, going to the market to sell from there she registered in school, when she told my father she wanted to go to school it was met with "ASHAWO!ASHAWO! GO WHERE? Another round of beating but our church board came and asked him to let her go.

After school she got a job and she was earning over a 1000% higher than him but she still submitted everything still Mr man wasn't grateful. The beating continued for 23 years... Oh there was a time he hit her so hard and she landed in the hospital with brain trauma. Sometimes he would beat her and everybody and when the church or family members come my mom has to kneel down to beg.

My dad didn't care how we all went to the University, never saw the need to. My mother left finally in 2016. My siblings and I supported her fully and the man went about spreading rumors about my mom being a prostitute blah blah blah, na new thing? When he saw the blackmail wasn't working he wanted a share of the properties she bought.

So he called me today lamenting about getting old and no one to take care of him and all that. I knew he wanted to bring up my mother. I just told him I will call you back sir.



My father doesn't deserve to be taken care of by any of us, if not that I don't like being mean I would have asked him to contact those women he wasted his youth and money on but anyways am sure they wouldn't even let him come around them.

[quote author=Mstick post=82143463]I just finished having a conversation with my dad about something similar.

.

Mstick:
I just finished having a conversation with my dad about something similar.

My dad was an abusive father, you know the type that beats both his wife and kids without any remorse or mercy. He was a cheat, it got so bad that his girlfriend one of them anyways came to the house to fight my mom. He was stingy, heck my dad stopped paying my fees in jss1 and he didn't care to know how my siblings and I will go to school. My mom took up responsiblity, going to the market to sell from there she registered in school, when she told my father she wanted to go to school it was met with "ASHAWO!ASHAWO! GO WHERE? Another round of beating but our church board came and asked him to let her go.

After school she got a job and she was earning over a 1000% higher than him but she still submitted everything still Mr man wasn't grateful. The beating continued for 23 years... Oh there was a time he hit her so hard and she landed in the hospital with brain trauma. Sometimes he would beat her and everybody and when the church or family members come my mom has to kneel down to beg.

My dad didn't care how we all went to the University, never saw the need to. My mother left finally in 2016. My siblings and I supported her fully and the man went about spreading rumors about my mom being a prostitute blah blah blah, na new thing? When he saw the blackmail wasn't working he wanted a share of the properties she bought.

So he called me today lamenting about getting old and no one to take care of him and all that. I knew he wanted to bring up my mother. I just told him I will call you back sir.



My father doesn't deserve to be taken care of by any of us, if not that I don't like being mean I would have asked him to contact those women he wasted his youth and money on but anyways am sure they wouldn't even let him come around them.

Damn.

This is deep.

Your father does not deserve any forgiveness.

My own dad left when I was 3 months. Whether he is dead or not I really do not care and I hope never to end up like him.

My kid(s) deserve a better dad and that is what I plan to be. So should you