As the thread title implies, this is basically a collection of short stories and one shots written by me, some new and some have been lying around for some years

I just figured it's time I share them.

I hope you guys like them, I may also sprinkle in some completed full stories I wrote up to a decade ago. You will know them when you see them

Feedbacks and criticisms are highly welcome, plagiarism and intellectual property theft, are not.

All Stories In This Collection Are Originally Written By Me.

*Short Story*

Uche Nwaefuna as Adaure

[img]https://static.wixstatic.com/media/b3442a_26ebce1a41624cb585a52bc6b40e932b~mv2_d_1262_1890_s_2.jpg/v1/fill/w_636,h_952/b3442a_26ebce1a41624cb585a52bc6b40e932b~mv2_d_1262_1890_s_2.jpg[/img]

Why do I do this to myself?

I knew it was a trap, I felt it the moment my mother called me up and spoke in a syrupy sweet voice, that some grand plan was in the works, to further drag me to the dredges of insurmountable embarrassment. I saw it coming, I could tell something awful was about to happen. I felt it in my gut, like the average male Nigerian youth who possesses an IPhone feels, at the sight of a police checkpoint.

Yet, like a lamb to slaughter, I blindly followed. Like Isaac and Abraham, I followed my parent, blindly trusting she wouldn't play me wayo. I'm dumber though, because, at least, Isaac didn't see his impending sacrifice coming.

I saw mine.

In the wise words of Chris Brown, albeit extremely differing circumstances, look at me now.

An intervention, I saw coming, but I underestimated my mother's ability to pull out her best impression of Patience Ozokwor in a Nigerian movie, and set me up this way.

I was on my knees, in the middle of a stream, somewhere in my mother's village, dressed in no more than a white sheet, feathers and some odd inscriptions on my skin, while her sister, who was dressed in a similar white wrapper, made some incantations, while circling a small, clay pot around my head.

A cocktail of emotions swirled inside me; anger, confusion, shame, disbelief, amusement.

What am I doing here?

The only thing missing in this scene are cameras and Ugezu. J. Ugezu, I half expected Chiwetalu Agu to jump out of the trees and drop one of his famous one-liners. Maybe, it would help make sense of why I looked so ridiculous.

I'm sure, at this point, you'd like to know my crime.

Well, I'm guilty of being unmarried at thirty-two and not caring enough, to do something about it.

My mother thinks there's a curse- it's kind of exclusive to me though, my younger sister is married with a child. She's fine. I'm cursed.

So, she decided she would intervene, by having her sister- who, I didn't know was understudying Professor Dumbledor and other renowned witches and wizards, until today- remove the spell, and lead my soulmate to me.

At least, I think that's what she said would happen.

I humored her; wore this ridiculous outfit, and drew these things all over me, because….and I kid you not, I thought it was all a joke.

I'm still waiting for my brother to come here, filming the entire thing on a camera I bought him for 'research', and laughing hysterically at me.

There is simply no way, this….ritual, is happening.

My aunt drops the calabash, and goes on to pour water from the stream, on my head...my head, that I fixed a thirty thousand naira weave-on, on, only four days ago.

Hei God! This has to be a test. I am being tested in the worst way, because if not, why?

"You are clean" my aunt declares, much in the same way the average pastor declares a person healed.

I certainly don't feel clean.

"He will come to you soon enough."

She has a large smile on her face, like she just ordered a man for me on Jumia, and he'll be delivered in seven working days.

If only she knew of all the shit I didn't give. After this ordeal, my mother will be hearing from me. I have indulged in enough of her shenanigans over the last few years, and this is where I draw the line. I will not be her little guinea pig.

I have a great job and a good life, a man is the least of my problems.


****

May a trailerload of cows fall on that stupid man.

I shut the door to my car angrily and stomp my way to my house. As if my woes in the village weren't enough, I have returned to Lagos, to trade words with numbskulls and entertain the warped beliefs of simpletons.

That such a turd, would accuse me of sleeping with a man to get my car, riles me up to no end. Can't I get a break in this cruel world?

I open my door, and walk into my house; it's a nice two-bedroom flat in Surulere. My three-inch heels are the first items to come off as I make my way to my bedroom.

As I step in, I turn on the lights, because it's a little after eight in the evening and the room is dark.

The sight that greets me causes me to scream loudly and stumble back, until I nearly fall on my ass

What the f*ck?

A…..MAN! Is sitting, right on my bed, in nothing but some version of underwear that surely, does not belong in the 21st century


(Young)Bryan Okwara as Amanze

www.nairaland.com/attachments/4360912_bryanshower400x600_jpeg4173b0d577865c213d687b23ccb307e9

He doesn't even flinch at my scream, rather, he sits there, a bit too comfortably, staring at me.

WHAT THE Bleep?!

How did he get in? Who is he? Why did I forget to buy pepper spray again?

"Who are you?" I ask a question I sincerely shouldn't care about. I should be asking how he got in here, who sent him. What is his mission?

He finally moves.

He rises to his feet, and I am floored by his size. This man is not an inch shorter than 6ft. 3", he is built, like, the guy has enough muscles to have me leaning against the wall for protection. He is….perfect.

Physically, at least. His mental state, leaves a lot to be desired.

His head is cocked to the side, in silent curiosity, as he takes a step toward me.

"Stay back!" I warn, waving the heel I just took off at him, as if my useless high heel will cause sufficient damage before this man can wring my neck.

It's enough to give him pause though.

He stops walking, his gaze wanders to the heel in my hand, and back to my face, the almost childlike curiosity in his eyes, is unwavering, "o gi si ka m'bia, okwa ya?" (You said I should come, right?)

What the...why is he speaking Igbo? Doesn't he speak English? And what is he talking about? I would know if I had ever seen a man who looks this good, and if I invited him over. I mean, I would be crazy not to, but I certainly have never seen this man in my life.

"I never asked you over. I don't even know you" I reply.

He says nothing to me, he's staring, as if waiting for me to translate...he doesn't understand English?

"Amarom gi, o buro mmu si k'i bia." (I don't know you, I'm not theee one who asked you to come) I reply, in a language he will understand

He looks confused, "Aha gi, o buro Adaure?" (Is your name not Adaure?)

He knows my name?

Okay, someone is certainly playing tricks on me. My birthday isn't until three months time, and April Fool is also three months away, who is pranking me in January? Such poor taste in jokes..I wish I could say the same for their taste in men

"I bu onye?" (Who are you?)

I don't even know if I'm ready for the answer, but I think we've had enough small talk, and it's only fair I know his name, since he knows mine.

"Aha'm bu Amanze, chi gi" (My name is Amanze, your guardian)

My what now? Ha! Why are the fine boys always the crazy ones? What is this one talking about? Perhaps, he smoked too much weed and just ended up in my house, somehow. Yes, a virgin Marlian, this must be part of his initiation rites. It fully explains why he has no belt on...or any other respectable piece of clothing item.

"I chori nu di, I kporom, na ngene, m bia" (you wanted a husband, you called me, at the stream, I came) he supplies further.

What is this…? wait...husband, river....Aunt Chinwe, ritual…

My eyes grow as wide as saucers and my only means of defending myself slips out my hand, as everything adds up….and doesn't add up.

How….

This would be such a great time to lose consciousness, and while such a reaction would be justified, the fear that I will be unconscious, at the mercy of a strange man, who is half naked, speaks and understands only Igbo, and claims to be my chi, from a world that Is defnitely not on this plane, is enough to keep me conscious.

What are the possibilities of summoning one's chi, in a bid to find a husband? Am I in a dream? Did I unknowingly fall asleep, while navigating Lagos traffic?

I have to call my aunt.


*Uche's picture attached, since the internet is too technical these days*

Following

****

I sat a distance away from my new house guest, watching him warily as he started at the screen in wonder.

I had handed him one of my oversized shirts, the fit was a little tighter than I expected, but at least, I don't have to contend with his broad chest and biceps any further. I put on the television and he was currently immersed in some movie. I don't even know if he understood a word they were saying, I mean, it's an English movie after all.

I couldn't be less concerned with that

I had called Aunt Chinwe and explained the situation. Granted, I sounded a bit hysterical the first time I called, so, she cut the call on me and called back, asking me to slow down. I calmed myself enough to tell her, whatever she had called upon, was sitting in my bedroom. I don't know if I expected her to call on the gods from the comfort of her living room, and tell them to take back their gift, but she did assure me that she would be at my house by the weekend.

The weekend is four days away.

In the mean time though, I have called on someone else, who understands me well enough and can provide an ear, if not some spiritual advice. She's, in fact my second best adviser, in my time of turmoil; Lolade

It's a bit late, but Lolade lives closer to me and can make it to my house in thirty minutes tops. Kevwe, the first person I would usually run to, is a married woman who lives on the island. There is no way, I can call her up for something of this nature.

An urgent knock on my door, alerts me to Lolade's arrival.

Amanze jumps, startled by the knock. I give him a sign to calm down, as I go to open the door. His eyes are drifting back to the television by the time I'm unlocking the door.

Lolade bursts into my house, "Babe, I came as soon as I could, what's the…." Her voice drifts off as soon as her eyes fall on Amanze, "...e-mer-gen-cy?" And just like that, she switches to her flirty face, "Hello there…" she begins, with a sweet smile and an even sweeter voice.

Bisola Aiyeola as Lolade

www.nairaland.com/attachments/5358187_instaimage5_jpeg933a6e7393025ff95564f08f39653b38


I wish I had time for introductions, but I just grab Lolade's hand and pull her rather unwilling self, to the hallway, "Come abeg" I say, under my breath

Once I'm convinced I and Lolade are out of earshot, I open my mouth to address her, but Lolade's lips move faster than mine, "Ha! Ore mi, you didn't tell me it's going down in your house now. So, is it condom that is your emergency? You're in luck, I always carry one in my bag…." She says, as she unzips her bag and begins to rummage through it, "...you know, konji is no respecter of places. I gotchu" she slips a condom out of her bag and my eyes widen almost comically at the sight.

See this crase girl o….

"My friend put that thing away, I didn't call you here for a condom" I slap her hand, causing her to drop the condom back in her bag.

She seems genuinely confused, "So, why am I here? You want me to take him from you? I won't mind o…."

"Lolade!" I say sharply.

The seriousness in my gaze causes her to zip her lips shut.

I let out a long breath, "Listen, I know this is going to sound a bit crazy, but I need you to believe me, okay?"

She nods slowly, "O….kay?"

Good enough for me

"So, remember how I told you I was going to the village last month?"

"Ehen..."

"Well, my mother had my aunty do this ritual thing for me at our village stream, to help me find a husband, they had me in a white wrapper and all those Pete Edochie kind of things. And, see ehn, I thought it was all jokes, only for me to come home this night and see that guy in my bedroom, telling me he's my chi, that I called, because I want a husband"

Recanting the story now, I see how crazy it sounds. So, I hold my breath and hope Lolade isn't as logical a person as I am.

"Wait, you're telling me, that your village stream, as in the same village you say you don't like to visit, produced that papi water?"

I'm not sure how to respond to her question. It wasn't the first question I expected from her. She isn't exhibiting any signs of disbelief of my story, which is almost a relief, "Babe, did you hear what I said?"

She nods, "I heard you now, you said your aunt summoned him for you during a ritual."

She says it so casually, I don't know if I should be scared of her as well, "And?"

"And it isn't the craziest thing I've heard. See ehn, I watched this movie one time, that the devil, sent one of his boys to Stella Damasus…."

"Babe, this isn't a movie, this is real life. Did you not see him there?"

She smiles at me, "Ahn ahn, I saw him now, dem dey miss that kain person? But babe, bobo yen ti fine gan o, ahn ahn" she stretches her neck, as if to get a better look at Amanze, and I am convinced Lolade has lost her marbles, "Shey me sef, I will not go to River Osun and ask how far, maybe the gods will look upon me with mercy and send me one of those packages? Abi, how you see am?" she wiggles her brows suggestively at me.

This is why she is my SECOND best adviser. Kevwe would never!

"Lolade! This thing is serious, do I look like I'm joking?"

She loses the smile on her face, "I'm not joking either, Ada." My pointed look tells her I think otherwise, " Okay, okay, no jokes. How far? Have you called your aunt?"

"Yes, she says she will be here by weekend. Maybe she will be able to send him back"

"Send him back ke?"

"Of course, send him back. What do you want me to do with him?"

"Pass him on abeg, if somebody had told me spirit husbands come in such fine forms, I would have stopped chasing these useless human beings and conjured one for myself"

Lord, how do I even know this girl?

"So, your aunty will be here by weekend, abi?"

"Yes"

"Okay" she wobbles her head, as if in thought, "That gives me about four days to go to the market" she says, thoughtfully. I wonder what her market trip has to do with my aunt's arrival, but she doesn't let me wonder for long. She fixes her gaze on me, "White wrapper and what, did you say she used to bring this guy for you?"

I'm definitely calling Kevwe first thing in the morning.

Hmmm.... captivating!.... started reading and had to finish!... now I can drive off.... and I know I'm going to be late. I should've known better than to start reading your stuff!

Na so d book end..... didn't boda asking 4 update

safarigirl:
As the thread title implies, this is basically a collection of short stories and one shots written by me, some new and some have been lying around for some years

I just figured it's time I share them.

I hope you guys like them, I may also sprinkle in some completed full stories I wrote up to a decade ago. You will know them when you see them

Feedbacks and criticisms are highly welcome, plagiarism and intellectual property theft, are not.

All Stories In This Collection Are Originally Written By Me.

happy new year first lady, we miss your contributions in the sport section

Seriously following. please I hope it particular story hasn't ended.

Are you going to continue?