Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin - Family - Nairaland
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| Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by Nobody: 4:03am On Jan 12, 2011 |
It is a long but good read. Having viewed and posted on a few threads on Nairaland especially in the family section,alot of questions kept coming into my mind and I believe comments here will help people that are questioning their relationships find answers. Alot of ladies come on here asking questions to know if they are in the right relationship or not, some wanna know if they have met the right person or are just wasting their time, some wanna know how long a courtship should last before the BIG question of "will you marry me" pops out ,Some are asking questions and wanting to find out if it is a woman's duty to carry the financial burden in their relationships for a while, some men think a man shouldn't offer a woman money if she hasn't offered him some as well. Some men wanna act superior and hate feminists but would complain when their female partners expect alot of security from them While some men find taking money from their GF's and wives kinda odd and weird. This thread should be like a tree with so many branches because my questions are going to go back and forth. The questions I wanna ask us first off is this [size=14pt] ARE YOU FOR FEMINISM OR AGAINST FEMINISM? WHAT DO MEN AND WOMEN REALLY WANT FROM/IN A RELATIONSHIP? [/size] Others are as follows: 1. Can you tell just by a few minutes after meeting him/her that he/she is the one for you? 2.[/b]Can you tell a husband/wife material just by spending a day/a few hours with them? [b]3.How long do you think a good courtship should last? how long is too long? 4.Men/women would you rather be in a 50-50 relationship or have one person play the part of the "head of the home" ? 5.Men: Do you think taking money from your GF/wife makes you a lazy person? Especially those in a relationship and not yet married do you really think accepting money from your GF makes you a lesser being?is it right to take money from your GF? Women:Even during courtship do you feel bad accepting money from your Lover? or do you feel it is your right to have a man be a man in the relationship and provide for you no matter how little? will you accept money from a lover when he offers you some? (How come I feel I know the answer already)    Some ladies/men actually told me once that they knew they had met their life partner the very first day they came in contact with that person, Some said it took them months to actually realize that they have met the right person. How true is this? What do you think? comments please.  |
| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by 190: 4:07am On Jan 12, 2011 |
Hi, Jenny Its been a while, Happy new year!!! |
| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by Nobody: 4:10am On Jan 12, 2011 |
Thanks sweetheart, happy new year. How's Europe? |
| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by 190: 4:25am On Jan 12, 2011 |
 how did you hear jennykad-ry, the iron lady!! |
| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by Nobody: 7:09am On Jan 12, 2011 |
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| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by playmate(f): 9:24am On Jan 12, 2011 |
These questions are many o!  Brb. . |
| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by blank(f): 9:45am On Jan 12, 2011 |
Okay, let me try. I DON'T believe in feminism in d home. Don't beat me up but this is my own view. My husband is d head of d house n no arguments about it. However, in any other setting especially in d workplace, I am more dan any man's equal. People av called me all sorts of names ranging from aggressive 2 dat I won't find a man 2 marry me. Dats dir own business cos I am very happily married n I know I am better dan a lot of guys out dere. From d first point I set my eyes on my husband, I knew he was d one. He just needed time 4 him 2 see d same thing. I was stuck on him n thus couldn't date any other person. He was my first and my last date. Even on Nairaland, u can tell. Once u converse with someone, depending on your personal beliefs on what makes up husband/wife material, u will know. My husband and I courted for 6 almost 7 yrs (my decision not his). However, it depends on people. I will say like 1yr of constant communication n fellowship is ideal. In a relationship 4 me, dere's no 50-50. He is d head and I am willing to be d neck. Lol. This one was a tough call 4 me 2 make. My dad brought us up with the notion that we should never ask anyone 4 money neither should we collect. So while in school, I never had an aunt or uncle send me money. However, I used 2 save almost any penny I got. I never bought new clothes except my parents gave me n was never frivolous. I saved up enough 2 buy as many shares as I wanted and different other business investments. When my dad saw my share certificate, he was so shocked dat I had dat kind of money. While I was serving, I got a part time job. My husband liked d fact dat I was careful with money and dat I didn't accept gifts from people especially guys. Like one dat wanted 2 buy me a camera phone when they just came out. Told him I could afford any of my choice n didn't need his help. He was livid n threw d phone on d ground. However, as d relationship progressed n we knew it was heading 4 marriage, he wanted 2 shoulder more responsibilities by providing 4 me. It was a big struggle but he insisted dat it would make him feel more of a man. It was really tough but I finally accepted. When he was a corper, he used 2 send me 2k out of his 7k allowi. I don't know how he used 2 survive but he did. I would use d money 2 buy a gift 4 him so dat my conscience will not prick me. |
| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by blank(f): 9:49am On Jan 12, 2011 |
Kai, na me write all this epistle? I no believe. I can only talk out of my experiences n can't expect people 2 agree or share my sentiments. Pls, no arguments or insults on me o. I av a tender heart. Lol. |
| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by Orton10(m): 10:11am On Jan 12, 2011 |
jennykadry: |
| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by ifyalways(f): 10:19am On Jan 12, 2011 |
Dayokanu must be at the sidelines taking notes. @Topic,Feminism means different things to different people.My grandmother expects her husband to mend the roof,cultivate and give her yam,defend her while she pounds fufu for him daily,cultivate vegetables and take care of the homefront and If grand-dad fails in any of his duties,failing as in just grew lazy overnight she wud refuse to pound fufu or even use s.ex as her weapon . . .does that make her a Feminist Feminism def. wont mean same thing for a 35 yr old lady and a 23 year old babe. Personally,Im not ur modern day feminist . . .old-skool,maybe. I expect,demand and want the ffg from my man;same as CC listed. 1. Can you tell just by a few minutes after meeting him/her that he/she is the one for you? No,but there were pointers. 2.Can you tell a husband/wife material just by spending a day/a few hours with them? same as 1 3.How long do you think a good courtship should last? how long is too long? It depends.You guys can meet online and be friends for say 2 yrs before u are opportuned to meet real life,then maybe do the real dating for another 2 yrs,wud the first 2 yes count?NO? Some folks start dating as early as 18 or so,finishing sch. and getting started in life takes quite some time,does it count as too long?No? IMO,as long as both parties are above 23 esp the girl,5 years shld be maximum. 4.Men/women would you rather be in a 50-50 relationship or have one person play the part of the "head of the home" ? Lets not get deceived,Men are still the head of the home. I refuse to accept this 50/50 thingy,its really twisted and aint helping matters and im specifically referring to 'marriage' . . .you dont expect equal eguations every single day. For dating . . .each man to his/her own.Nothing is at stake here. 5.Men: Do you think taking money from your GF/wife makes you a lazy person? Especially those in a relationship and not yet married do you really think accepting money from your GF makes you a lesser being?is it right to take money from your GF? Make Dayokanu come ansa dis one. I personally never gave any BF cash.If u have financial problems,pls sort urself out somewhere else.I wud give u every other form of support during those hard times but NEVER cash. Im not against giving either,whatever works for anyone. I also never asked BF's for cash,wont share my financial problem with u either.I have hands to work.I remember though,when i was in sch.i was selling stuffs and it was sort of affecting our relationship then;i hardly had time for dinners and hanging out,my BF asked and i told him twas cos i have runz to attend to,he was already on his feet so he begged that i let him give me a certain amt each mth so i can stop my runz and spend more time with him i still somehow do my runz.where does that leave me?a leech?lolz |
| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by Nobody: 10:29am On Jan 12, 2011 |
Haba Jenny, this one na 21 questions oh! Anyways, this is my 2 cents . . . What do I want from a relationship? Now that’s a big one! I only want from a man what I can’t get on my own . . . companionship and the stability/security that comes from having a man in your life. I don’t believe in love at first sight . . that to me is an illusion (and believe me, I’m talking from experience). However, after being with a guy for at least 6months, I should be able to know if he’s the one or not. So NO, I don’t believe in long courtships and my reason is simple. If I can ‘court’ with him for 3years, then I can spend the rest of my life with him. If I don’t want to marry him, then I don’t need 3years to realize that! When decisions affect me directly, I always want to have a say . . . I don’t believe in the head of the home theory. That’s why most women end up in bitterness. My submission to my husband will come from the realization that he can take better decisions based on his previous experiences or his knack for always being right, not because he’s the ‘head’! Personally, I believe in individuality and if I have to suppress who I am in the name of submission, then I can NEVER be happy in that marriage. Call it feminism if you like, but I believe the family will stand a better chance if husband and wife worked as equals and not as head or tail! I do not feel bad (in any way) accepting money or gifts from my spouse. And yes to a certain degree, I see that as his responsibility. I’m not saying I’ll dump a good guy because he’s too broke to provide for me, but I can’t stand a stingy man. If I’m engaged or married, it’s my husband responsibility to ensure that I lack nothing, financially. On my own part, I believe it’s also my responsibility to contribute to the family financially. I see nothing wrong in giving my man a loan or helping him financially when he’s down. I see nothing wrong in buying a house for the family if my husband is not financially buoyant. I see nothing wrong in feeding the family if I have the means. What I will not do sha is to be ‘dashing’ money to a boyfriend. Mba! Once bitten twice shy! |
| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by Nobody: 10:33am On Jan 12, 2011 |
ifyalways: Lol, Ify you sef . . . . You too like better thing. Anyways, I don't think u were a leech. As far as I'm concerned, he was doing his job! |
| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by ifyalways(f): 10:45am On Jan 12, 2011 |
Ujujoan:lol.Uju. Some school of thought might disagree. |
| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by iice(f): 10:53am On Jan 12, 2011 |
ARE YOU FOR FEMINISM OR AGAINST FEMINISM? I agree with Ify. Feminism means different thing to different women. Certainly age does play some effect on it. Am i independent? Yes. . .i was raised thus and i would still prefer to be raised so. WHAT DO MEN AND WOMEN REALLY WANT FROM/IN A RELATIONSHIP? - Others are as follows: 1. Can you tell just by a few minutes after meeting him/her that he/she is the one for you? No. I'm too cynical to believe in the good of people. They are devious. I have to know who he is for him to be someone. 2.Can you tell a husband/wife material just by spending a day/a few hours with them? No. Same as the first one. 3.How long do you think a good courtship should last? how long is too long? For the most part, i agree with Ify. Depends on the people involved and what goes for them. It can be anywhere between 2 to 10yrs. 4.Men/women would you rather be in a 50-50 relationship or have one person play the part of the "head of the home" ? I wouldn't say 50-50. He is the head but he should also be able to make compromises and give me leeway when i'm right. It shouldn't be all his way nor should he have to shoulder all the responsibilities no matter how broad his shoulders are. He is human after all. 5.Men: Do you think taking money from your GF/wife makes you a lazy person? Especially those in a relationship and not yet married do you really think accepting money from your GF makes you a lesser being?is it right to take money from your GF? Women:Even during courtship do you feel bad accepting money from your Lover? or do you feel it is your right to have a man be a man in the relationship and provide for you no matter how little? will you accept money from a lover when he offers you some? I can give cash. I'm like blank on this. Never receive, will not accept. My father raised me not to ask and not to accept. I rarely spent money when i was a younger. If i cannot afford it then i made do without it. I will not die for lack of it. My exception is food Yes he can buy me food anytime  |
| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by Nobody: 11:18am On Jan 12, 2011 |
ifyalways: I know! Wait till Dayo comes with his Gold-digger tirade! |
| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by Nobody: 11:32am On Jan 12, 2011 |
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| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by Nobody: 11:54am On Jan 12, 2011 |
Madam CC: You know the things you just listed are what I call a man’s contribution to the family. It doesn’t necessarily make him ‘in charge’ . . It only puts him in charge of his own responsibility to the home. For example, does your husband know the type of pampers your children use; how much has to go for buying food stuffs and buying children’s clothes; what the menu for the day/week/month is; how/when the curtains gets washed; how the laundry gets done and the house gets cleaned . . . that to me is your own responsibility and your own contribution. It doesn’t make you less in charge. Okay why does you hubby have to consult with you on the color of the roof? He recognizes the fact that in as much as he’s doing his part, you are doing yours too . . . he has no right to lord over you or proclaim himself the ‘head’! I don’t have a problem with letting a man take care of the things he should, but I won’t want to be regarded as a door post either. |
| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by jaybee3(m): 12:01pm On Jan 12, 2011 |
Walks in and zooms right out |
| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by Nobody: 12:20pm On Jan 12, 2011 |
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| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by Jenifa1: 12:32pm On Jan 12, 2011 |
I think personality comes into play there. I know many women that I cannot picture being submissive. And I know many guys that I cannot picture being effective leaders either. what is best is for a Type A personality male to be with a Type B female and vice versa. It shouldn't be based on gender. but if culture comes into play, the couple can always switch role when they go to public outings to save face or hide the fact that the wife wears the pant in the house. I know many couples like that and the husband are totally fine with it. You can even tell from interacting with them and knowing their personalities who has what role or makes the decisions in the house. to answer the question, I am definitely for feminism. but there are different kinds of feminists out there with the worst being the radical and extremist types. |
| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by jaybee3(m): 12:51pm On Jan 12, 2011 |
1. Can you tell just by a few minutes after meeting him/her that he/she is the one for you? She might come across as the one but it's very important to know if we are going to be compatible. This is why courtship is always advised. 2.Can you tell a husband/wife material just by spending a day/a few hours with them? It's somewhat dangerous to conclude without proper analysis. We are talking about a life long commitment so I'd expect to over-analyze on this issue. I need to know her bad habits and see if i can overlook them 3.How long do you think a good courtship should last? how long is too long? This depends on where the man or woman is at the time they meet each other. I wouldn't expect to court a woman for years if I'm in my middle or late 30's but will be required to if I'm in my early 20's. It's hard to place a minimum duration on it but one thing is a certainty, if you spend good quality time together then surely the good/bad/ugly will come out and it's now left to the parties involved if they wanna take it a step further 4.Men/women would you rather be in a 50-50 relationship or have one person play the part of the "head of the home" ? I am a strong campaigner for the 65/35 sharing ratio as i have a great need to feel I'm the head of my household and doing 50/50 (equal relationship) might just throw up problems in the long run especially in this western world. Although, even with my preferred sharing ratio, I'd still make sure life changing decisions are discussed and both inputs taking into consideration according as i was never brought up in a dictatorship environment 5.Men: Do you think taking money from your GF/wife makes you a lazy person? Especially those in a relationship and not yet married do you really think accepting money from your GF makes you a lesser being?is it right to take money from your GF? Yes it will make me feel a lesser man if i had to depend on the money. |
| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by Nobody: 12:56pm On Jan 12, 2011 |
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| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by jaybee3(m): 1:05pm On Jan 12, 2011 |
Just ma preference Mrs CeeCee |
| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by Nobody: 1:15pm On Jan 12, 2011 |
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| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by jaybee3(m): 1:23pm On Jan 12, 2011 |
A typical household The man should pay the following: Mortgage Children's school fees The woman should pay for the following: Council Tax Food Children's upkeep Utility bills Land line phone & Satellite TV If it's not a big mortgage then the man can had the council Tax to his list. |
| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by Busybody2(f): 1:24pm On Jan 12, 2011 |
[s]Yes, yes, yes, thats what i'm talking about, this is my Jennykadry, listen up everyone jennykadry is Busy_body, Busy_body is Jennykadry, i knew i had it in me @topic Oh, why na, why do we have to start using our brain so early on in the year  [/s] Will be back |
| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by Nobody: 1:30pm On Jan 12, 2011 |
MY OH MY nice responses. I am at work now but will reply CC maybe I should complain about work and get my hours cut down or better still go casual . I must complain of back pain today  I agree with the passport part, he holds on to my passport whenever we travel together. I seriously don't believe in the 50-50 thing, there are some things I can do that my hubby isn't good at ,vice versa. Every gender's got it's use. My part is to teach my daughters how to become responsible women when they grow upand my hubby's part is to teach her what to expect from a man when she grows up. For my son my hubbys part is to teach him on how to become a man and handle women when he grows up. There are somethings I wil wanna buy and I know I can afford it but won't until I get MR JK's consent, some women see this as weak but I see it as keeping a peaceful home. 90% of men at some point in their lives love submission, and when a woman submits to a man she gets him eating from her palm. If I can afford something and MR JK tell me not to get it I just keep calm and let it be because I know in a few months time(after trying me I am sure ) comes back home with that same thing I wanted to get for myself without me paying a dime.I believe in a woman being incharge from the rear, you can control a man without actually rubbing it in. There is this popular saying of "behind every successful. . . . " I am going to explain it this way, that word behind to me is a key word, there is nothing my hubby does today that he does not get consent /advise from me, I just stand back and let him do his things and know that if I don't want him to do anything I just tell him and he won't do it so really who is incharge here? There was a day I went to MR JK and asked him to pay for my hair which he did, he knows that I can afford atleast to make my hair without coming to him, but believe me deep down inside of him that request kinda uplifted his manhoo[i]d[/i] and gave him a self of importance and worth knowing that his babe came to him and asked for something as little as that. I cannot do 50-50 because there are so many things he does that I cannot do, men have got broad shoulders and believe me that shoulder of theirs carries so much burden that we women cannot imagine, their shoulders were created for tough work mine wasn't,the more reason why I can lean on it, cry on it and relax on it knowing fully well that it is broad enough to accomodate some of my issues especially the emotional ones. |
| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by Nobody: 1:32pm On Jan 12, 2011 |
@Ify No you are not a gold digger, I expect my hubby to provide for me 24/7. BB will you sharappp diaaaaa olodo rabata |
| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by Nobody: 1:40pm On Jan 12, 2011 |
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| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by jaybee3(m): 1:46pm On Jan 12, 2011 |
Food should be less than 300 quid a month based on a family of 4 If the combine monthly bills => £3K, I would expect her to cough out £1.1K monthly. You have to agree with me that 'em figures are fair. I CANNOT and WOULDN'T marry a woman that will be totally dependant on me as i simply won't respect her. For her to have a say then she gotta contribute |
| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by MissyB3(f): 2:29pm On Jan 12, 2011 |
jennykadry:Like Ify rightly stated, Feminism means different things to different people. I'm for mutual respect and recognition of equal importance. That is not to say I do not recognize some of the roles generally known to be reserved for men, in a union. jennykadry:I want everything- material and immaterial- that is beneficial to me jennykadry:There is no particular person for anybody. Plus, No, it's impossible to KNOW if it will work out with a certain person within just few hours/minutes of meeting him/her. You can only hope. jennykadry:No. A day is too short to [b]know someone. It takes much longer. jennykadry:No specific duration. Just when you're certain, after weighing every factor, you're good to go. jennykadry:50-50. I have a problem with allowing another person [man or woman] handle my responsiblities. Moreso, 50-50 makes the 'work' easier. jennykadry:Which kain tricky question be this? Feel bad accepting money ke? If you feel bad, you won't collect na, No? Well, I never ask but if he thinks I deserve a gift - in the form of money or whatever- and offers, I never say No. To do so would be rude, you know. And God help him, if he doesn't give me gifts [IN WHATEVER FORM]. Trouble! I nor ask, but use your church mind.  jennykadry:I'D rather we first answer the question ''what makes one the right person?''. Walking down the aisle with him/her makes him/her the right person? If the marriage crumbles after 2 months, S/he's still the right person? |
| Re: Can You Tell?How Long Do You Think It Should Last?Singles/Married . . interestin by Nobody: 2:17pm On Jan 13, 2011 |
@Blank Did you think at some point in your relationship think that dating him for 6 yrs and still going was too much? Were you trying to know him some more or is it because he was still a student then that you had to wait for 7 yrs? If you weren't so into him would you have stayed on for 7 yrs?Dating him for 7 yrs you obviously know a few if not alot about him,but do you really think you know everything about him now? @Ify I have to agree with you a whole lot with you when it concerns old skool feminists like you put it 3. One thing I'd like you to clarify is the 23 yr old thingy, I agree a 23 yr old guy shouldn't be even thinking about marriage but what about a gurl who is not up to 23 yrs? why do you think she can't settle down at the age of 20/21/22 or even @19? do you think she cannot keep her home? or marriage is such a big big university that will swallow her as she's doing her studies? 1. Can you tell just by a few minutes after meeting him/her that he/she is the one for you? What were the pointers? is it his body language, his words his personality e.t.c what exactly did he do that made you feel at some point after a few minutes of meeting/talking to him that he might have some qualities you want in your man? @UJU
What stability/security are you talking about? so are you trying to say that a woman cannot be safe on her own until she gets herself a man?
So in other words you don't believe in submission, in your own definition or int he way you see this word called submission, can you define it? if a man caters for you, you know provides almost everything you need , don't you think you should like come down a little under him and let him do his thing without you trying to like rub shoulders(in terms of intelligence, or wisdom e.t.c) with him because you don't want him to be the head? Do you believe submission can get you whatever you want from your man without stress, or do you think by being submissive you are degrading yourself and kinda feel inferior? If you don't believe in 50-50 why do you find it difficult to submit (not stupidly) to your man? I mean for someone that believes in 50-50 I can understand but for someone that expects her man to provide everything for her financially is kind of like difficult to understand. Explain Uju |
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