NIGERIANS CAN BE NEGATIVE SHA! (PART 2)


It’s 12.30pm. We are outside the ATM machine of a well-known old-generation bank. The midday sun is roasting the people on the queue like they are bole (roasted plantain). I am among them. Once in a while we turn uncomfortably from side to side as if to ensure that we are properly cooked by the heat. Some have sought shelter within the small shade provided by the ATM’s plastic roofing. There are five ATM machines but only one is working. A middle aged man walks up to the queue. His first words:

“Is the ATM working?” (No Sir, we are all waiting for our Sun tan to be complete then we disperse).

Someone nods in the affirmative and the man joins the queue. He watches someone withdrawing and then says

“I hope the money won’t finish o.”

There is a deep sign among members of the queue. Some turn to stare at the man with daggers in their eyes. He smiles at no one in particular and keeps quiet. But it is too late, he has set off a chain reaction.

“This bank they always keep small money in their ATM.”

“Let it not finish before it gets to me oh.

“Oga why are you wasting time there? Is it not working again?”

It is working in Jesus name, I mutter under my breath.

The man at the ATM calmly withdraws his money. He ejects his card and strolls away majestically. A middle aged woman comes next. She puts on her glasses, and someone in the queue sighs in exasperation.

“Chei, we go dey here today.”

“And I have where I want to go ehn…”

“We should have entered the bank.”

“For where, they will just send you out again. All of these banks are useless.” ( you have account in ALL the banks)

The woman is carefully entering her pin. She reaches where the ATM asks if she needs a receipt. She pauses for a few seconds to think.

“Madam receipt no dey. This machine never print receipt one day since dem bring am.”

“Push ‘No’ ma.”

“Is like you have not withdraw before, can I help you ma?”

The woman ignores everyone and pushes ‘yes’. The machine informs her that receipts are not available, would she like to continue. She pauses for a few seconds. The gasps and sighs from the crowd shows that some people have committed murder mentally.

“The system will soon go down o.”

“This woman should hurry up nah.”

“I’m going to be late ehn.”

“Mommy, is the ATM still working?”

The woman finally withdraws her money. She turns glaring around and the whole crowd goes quiet. She stalks off and a young hausa boy with a bagco supersac walks up to the ATM.

“Ah! Aboki wait o!”

“Make other people withdraw abeg!”

‘Aboki’ ignores everyone and deftly punches in numbers. The ATM spits out N20,000 and asks if he wants to withdraw again. He punches “Yes.”

“This money will soon finish...” The last man declares.

“I cancel your words, it won’t finish in Jesus name.” I mutter under my breath, but I too, am becoming anxious. ‘Aboki’ withdraws N100,000 in total and ejects his card, and then proceeds to bring out another ATM card from his purse!

“This money will soon finish!”

I turn to face the man, “Do you want it to finish? Do you want it to finish?!”

“Why are you facing me bros, I be aboki?” The man responds chargined.

“It’s his turn, he can withdraw N1million if he wants. We will all withdraw. Stop speaking negatively!”

“Forget that thing bros! Do you know how many times the money has finished before it gets to my turn in this place? I know what I am saying!”

“Have you considered that maybe it’s your constant confessions that it will finish before it gets to your turn that makes it finish before it gets to your turn?”

He looks at me like I’m crazy. Then he laughs.

“Bros I tell you say make you forget that thing. E get as I dey take measure am! E go finish!”

The woman besides him nods her head in agreement.

I give up and begin muttering holy incantations under my breath. Please let it reach me. It won’t finish, let it reach me. I will withdraw, I will hold my money in my hand, I will withdraw…

See me see wahala, praying for ATM again!

The aboki finally leaves and the next person makes a quick withdrawal. Then it is my turn. I punch in N20,000. The ATM whirrs, clicks and pauses. Then whirrs and clicks again.

“E don hang abi?”

“Chei, after all this time!”

“The system too dey hang.”

“It’s network, the network is bad.”

“Check that they have not deducted from your account oh!”

“That machine is always deducting from my account without paying me!”

“Nonsense bank!”

I hold my breath and wait as calmly as I can. All this talk and the delay has not been up to a minute. The ATM clicks again and spits out my money. I grab it and collect my ATM card. The woman after me goes to withdraw as I head for the roadside to wait for keke.

There is a sudden commotion and I turn to see people hissing and cursing as they disperse. The man walks up to me.

“You see bros, I told you it will finish before it gets to my turn!”

I express my condolences and stop a passing keke. I enter and it zooms off leaving the man still muttering to himself. I’m so glad I got my cash. The negativity missed me by a few hairs!

Nothing like that you say?

Pure coincidence?

Maybe.

But I make a mental note to counter any negative comments I come across again at the ATM queue or anywhere for that matter. This is Nigeria, surely a little positivity won’t hurt.

Lol.

So bros no vex wetin u want make we do so?

Op u are just a regular spiritual or should I say Religious Nigerian.

Speak it into existence they say.
But sometimes what will be will be sha.
Que Sera sera

Nicely written.