felt:
I grew up with a "2 parent" childhood. I say two because my parents have been together for about 30years and basically argued all through.. For about 15 years, have never slept in the same room.

Anyway with me, I struggle a lot because I don't have an emotional relationship with my dad. He never opened up about anything, not even his childhood, failures and all. He is well respected, so it always feel like a struggle to be as good as him. He is nicer to people outside and just cold at home. I don't even want him to be nice at this point because I am already used to him being cold, but I still hate it.


It may sound crazy but I can tell you all my life, I ve seen him laugh just once with us, and that day, I was shocked and confused how to respond to it. If I never saw him happy with his friends, I d have thought he was never capable of it.

He never congratulated me, instead compares us with others. Even when I finished sec school, the first words from his mouth with disgusting look was "no prizes" when he realised I didn't receive any graduation prize.

No one feels comfortable with him. We can't even be around close perimeter when he is around, we speak to him from a corner because of fear. It's extremely uncomfortable when you find yourself alone with him, because the only conversation is perhaps a complaint or talking about the future, and it is controlling.

Yes, he didn't really beat us, but he was and is still distant and extremely controlling. If he entered the sitting room, we all left. He watches (TV) news alone and even if we just weren't interested, he makes us feel worse by asking us questions and ridiculing us for not knowing. And not a joke type of ridicule, but plain... "Are you stupid" type. The first time he saw me watching a movie, he called me stupid for watching people make money. First time I genuinely asked him a question about something I didn't understand in my science book, he made me look so stupid. It made me doubt myself so bad and want to choke myself whenever I didn't understand anything. Bet then, how will I really fullly understand something I ve never seen. I remember I will read random abstract books online to force myself to understand everything, and go in a loop when. I can't. I m just slowly beginning to consciously tell myself that it is okay not to understand sometimes.

The atmosphere around him is horrible. Very horrible. I hate being around him, I do. I am closer with my managers at work than him. I tend to bond more to strangers than home. And I am by no stretch a failure, I have achieved things that people would have doubted I did, but he never congratulated me. Instead he makes me feel bad for not doing it his way or not doing better. He compared me with many people growing up, but now I am better than them, he never congratulated me.


I don't like him. People say they love their dad. I basically simply do not!. I only feel appreciation towards him and tbh, I d love to gather and return all the money I think he may have spent on me growing up, so maybe I will feel free. I don't just like him.

To our Older people here,.. Please help me...

I m getting past my mid 20's and this is troubling me. I don't want to say this, but tbh, I hate him, I hate the person he made me become. I do understand people have fights with their spouses but I question what we (kids) really did to deserve this. What was our offence

HarunaWest:

You mum has successfully made you to disdain your dad.

cchub:

Did he say anything regarding his mom turning them against the dad?
If you can't advice, don't jump into conclusions.
You and duro4chang

duro4chang:
You are here castigating your father here. You did not say anything about your mum. I know women are fond of turning the hearts of their children against their fathers. Have ever asked your mother what really happened?

felt:
My relationship with my mum is essentially dead! I live two worlds with her. Most of our conversations is about her fights with my dad and things I don't believe in. The only thing is that at least I can stand beside her while she talks.

Tbh, its a totally big topic with my mum, totally different, I don't want to say I hate her, but we are both non existent emotionally. None of them know anything about my

Like I said, the only thing I actually have with them both is monetary appreciation.


cchub
HarunaWest

Bola146:
Exact example of my father. My siblings hate him like a shit but I do tell them we don't have two fathers expect him. He gave someone #1.3m without telling his children, but he will always see us struggling with our education, my mother made us who we are today without his support. Two of my siblings are now PhD holders, I'm a university graduate too, all glory to God Almighty. I have promised that God should help me, I'll take good care of him even till 100 years. What if you don't have any parents, you will still survive. Kindly learn to love him, get closer to God, pray and fast for your future to be bright. I wish you best of luck

dominique:
I knew this topic wouldn't get up to 5 replies before they start blaming the man's failure at parenting at the wife. In reality we know what's happening. Most men don't bond with their kids, they feel the only thing they owe their kids is money, they push their kids away with too much strictness. Once the children are old and on their feet, they want to start getting close but it becomes awkward, they blame the mother for turning their kids against them.

Don't bond with your kids you hear, continue pushing them away because you can conveniently blame your failure at parenting at their mother. We're in the generation of woke kids, if you do anyhow you see anyhow. Let's even look at it critically, how can one person have so much power to turn you against your own parent? That further proves how much the father had failed in parenting.

dominique:
I knew this topic wouldn't get up to 5 replies before they start blaming the man's failure at parenting at the wife. In reality we know what's happening. Most men don't bond with their kids, they feel the only thing they owe their kids is money, they push their kids away with too much strictness. Once the children are old and on their feet, they want to start getting close but it becomes awkward, they blame the mother for turning their kids against them.

Don't bond with your kids you hear, continue pushing them away because you can conveniently blame your failure at parenting at their mother. We're in the generation of woke kids, if you do anyhow you see anyhow. Let's even look at it critically, how can one person have so much power to turn you against your own parent? That further proves how much the father had failed in parenting.

Gloriagee:
What's your gender? This is your father's true nature, unfortunately. Please try to do better when you have your family. Your mum sounds like a victim of emotional abuse. If you can get some therapy, by all means do. Otherwise cut yourself some slack, dont look for love where u cant get any n be deliberate about your choices and happiness.

duro4chang:
[s]You are here castigating your father here. You did not say anything about your mum. I know women are fond of turning the hearts of their children against their fathers. Have ever asked your mother what really happened?[/s]

HarunaWest:

[s]You mum has successfully made you to disdain your dad.Thats what women do, they are manipulative and you will grow up to be manipulated as well if you aren't careful. Many of you don't have an idea what many married men go through for their children's sake. It's a woman's duty to bring her children and father closer. Cos no matter what we say kids bond with their mum more than dad.
I used to beef my dad too until I grew up and realized that my mum was the one I should be beefing instead. [/s]

justosee:

Nigerian women hardly support their husband financially. How do expect men to balance work and family time when they are probably financing everything in their homes?
Majority of Nigerian men have little free time and they prefer to spend it on themselves. Things will be different if women support more.

justosee:

Nigerian women hardly support their husband financially. How do expect men to balance work and family time when they are probably financing everything in their homes?
Majority of Nigerian men have little free time and they prefer to spend it on themselves. Things will be different if women support more.

Mindlog:


Earning a living is not an excuse not to have time for your children. Ok, that little free time they have which they spend on themselves, what do they spend it doing?

Those women you see in the markets, by the roadsides and hawking around hustling to eke out a livelihood for their family, are they not also Nigerian women? Is that also an excuse not to have time for her child/children?

justosee:
Some of these women spend their money on themselves. They wait for their husband's money to buy even salt for cooking.
The man gradually become frustrated from too much, and he start pouring the anger on his home. He feel cheated because no one value all the time he spend working for the family. He takes refuge in the company of other men who are passing through similar problems.

CHoccolaTE:


That is a very big lie, countless times we have heard stories of how mothers single handedly sponsored their kids through school sometimes while the father spends his money on women or frivolities, apart from that a very large part of the workforce in Nigeria is made up of women, market women, hairdressers, tailors, food vendors, beauticians, party planners, even cleaners, nurses, teachers, lecturers, secretaries, PAs, doctors, engineers, etc.
So many professions women do to support the family while handing housework and childcare but they don't get any acknowledgement.

With the way Nigeria is hard its not possible for only the hubband to be in charge of providing, how much is the average salary earner getting?

So sorry for the side talk op. Please try and heal from the scars of your dad's harsh treatment and emotional abuse. Try your best to be financially independent so you can seperate yourself from him and heal emotionally. Trust me, he will grow old and lonely and start regretting how he acted towards you when he was younger.

Mindlog:


And we still get to hear so many stories of male and female graduates appreciating their mothers for seeing them through school? Some even go to where their mothers have been hustling to present them their certificates.

We first work for ourselves to give us a sense of value and identity before linking it to our dependants. A man abandons the ship he is supposed to be the captain and takes refuge in external influences then still expects that when he is old and grey, when those friends, women, alcohol etc have faded away, the wife and adult children to be his refuge?

justosee:

No one appreciate the man for sending his kids to school because it is normal. The rare cases of women seeing their kids through school always make the headline.


That the OP father paid his school fees and he is still being criticized should tell you how men are judged unfairly.

What if the man saved all his money instead of wasting it on food, accommodation and school fees?

justosee:

Men are normally the breadwinners in almost every Nigerian home. A few cases of women taking care of their kids does not change the truth.
Women earn lesser than men on the average and most of the market women, headdressers etc, spend their money on makeup and other personal stuff. some women prefer to send money to their siblings instead of helping their husband.


So your advice to him is that he abandon his father and make him feel lonely in old age? The man still paid OP school fees which is enough reason to treat him well.

cchub:

Did he say anything regarding his mom turning them against the dad?
If you can't advice, don't jump into conclusions.
You and duro4chang

Mindlog:


Then he has no business bringing children into this world, he can spend part of that savings in paying women who will provide him sexual release whenever he feels like without obligations after the act.

So you see with this way of life, he would not worry himself with baby diapers, food, school fees etc....he will be a free bird as long as his fluid did not result to a child.

justosee:


He has to bring kids into this world to fulfil all righteousness same way his parents brought him into this world. That he took care of you financially is enough reason to take care of him in old age.

CHoccolaTE:



It's not a few cases, in almost all cases women are co breadwinners, and they spend their money on the family. Who told you they spend it on only personal stuff? Are you the one buying the personal stuff for them?

Whether they earn lesser or not doesn't mean they don't contribute financially, they hustle morning till evening and still find time to care for their children, cook, keep the house clean.
Many fathers will return from work and balance in front of television and start barking orders at everybody without taking time to bond with kids or develop a relationship with them, then they turn around in future to blame their wives for everything.

I didn't ask op to abandon his father, if you read his post properly you will see where he said his father's presence is very scary and has traumatised him. If you read his post you would have seen where he said his father constantly brings him down and does not act friendly or show love to him. Why on earth should op hang around a person that ruined his self esteem and emotionally abused him?