Hello Nairaland Community...

I am always reading on this Website... but never posted anything. So, because I have a topic to discuss... I decided to register now.

As we are already heading forward to another December very fast and requests are going all around...

I would love to understand something...

Many stories starts like this...

A man who lives abroad (e.g.germany), starts talking to a woman at home... tells her, that he lives with a german woman since years, have a kid with her - need more, but at home....

We all know what the question of the day will be at the end...

Coming home for Christmas, the man will let her know, that he will financially take care of her, they accept to do the traditional Wedding that same December, they try their possible best, to get her pregnant AND THAN, HE LEAVES back to abroad...

Eventually they will see every December from now on... maybe every 2 years... only God knows...

The woman knows, she will surely not live under the same roof with her new husband for at least, the next years...

Again, she knows, as he leaves, he will continue enjoying his life in germany... while she will feel lonely...

So all she see from her husband... is some text, some phone calls , some money every month... and she will live from year to year, with the hope to spend 4 weeks to spend with her husband - and after that, it will all repeat itself ...

How can a woman look for a marriage like this?
Is "a financial caretaker" really making her happy?
Does she really intend, to be loyal to her husband?
Or is it the hope, to follow him abroad one day?

I mean, once you are traditionally married to him, having a child for him... you can't easily change your mind again and Look for another man!?

If it is the idea, of him coming back one day... how will you know, if this man, that u just know for 4 weeks in a year- will make you happy, by that time?

There are so many nice guys at home - what makes them to close their eyes for these men and wait for a so called "Fast December marriage"?

I would really love to understand these women...

And would be glad about some answers out of experience...

And I would also love to know, how this kind of "arrangement" can fullfill a man's heart!?

To know, that a woman choosed to spend her life like that, while you are living abroad... and "worst case" even enjoying family life there with another woman, while your wife at home is just lonely....

Happy New week everyone...

Loveofmylife15:
Hello Nairaland Community...
Coming home for Christmas, the man will let her know, that he will financially take care of her, they accept to do the traditional Wedding that same December, they try their possible best, to get her pregnant AND THAN, HE LEAVES back to abroad...

I think you partly answered the question here. She gets an easier prepaid life. Also, long distance relationship works for some people, and when you consider that there are single mothers out there living their lives to the fullest, then it makes sense that there are women who may be ok with their husbands staying miles apart. People are different, in short

"I mean, once you are traditionally married to him, having a child for him... you can't easily change your mind again and Look for another man!?".......So wrong, traditional marriage is the easier to end, as in many communities, it entails refunding the bride price paid to the intending ex-husband in comparison to the one done in a registry.

Such marriage is transactional, the man wants a wife and children in Nigeria as back up while the "wife" in Nigeria wants steady income and most times still have sex with other men while still being "married".

I know a Nigerian man who is married to a Dutch and based in Amsterdam, he did go back to Nigeria to marry a lady from his place and now have 2 children. The man got the information that she is steadily sexually active with a guy and she didn't deny it, he threatened to throw her out of his house in Lagos while she threatened to report him to the Dutch Embassy in Nigeria for bigamy as it is a criminal offense in Netherlands, which would get the man prosecuted and spending some time in prison....Uncle, has now kept quiet despite the pressure from his family in Nigeria to throw her out of "his" house.

Loveofmylife15:
Hello Nairaland Community...

I am always reading on this Website... but never posted anything. So, because I have a topic to discuss... I decided to register now.

As we are already heading forward to another December very fast and requests are going all around...

I would love to understand something...

Many stories starts like this...

A man who lives abroad (e.g.germany), starts talking to a woman at home... tells her, that he lives with a german woman since years, have a kid with her - need more, but at home....

We all know what the question of the day will be at the end...

Coming home for Christmas, the man will let her know, that he will financially take care of her, they accept to do the traditional Wedding that same December, they try their possible best, to get her pregnant AND THAN, HE LEAVES back to abroad...

Eventually they will see every December from now on... maybe every 2 years... only God knows...

The woman knows, she will surely not live under the same roof with her new husband for at least, the next years...

Again, she knows, as he leaves, he will continue enjoying his life in germany... while she will feel lonely...

So all she see from her husband... is some text, some phone calls , some money every month... and she will live from year to year, with the hope to spend 4 weeks to spend with her husband - and after that, it will all repeat itself ...

How can a woman look for a marriage like this?
Is "a financial caretaker" really making her happy?
Does she really intend, to be loyal to her husband?
Or is it the hope, to follow him abroad one day?

I mean, once you are traditionally married to him, having a child for him... you can't easily change your mind again and Look for another man!?

If it is the idea, of him coming back one day... how will you know, if this man, that u just know for 4 weeks in a year- will make you happy, by that time?

There are so many nice guys at home - what makes them to close their eyes for these men and wait for a so called "Fast December marriage"?

I would really love to understand these women...

And would be glad about some answers out of experience...

And I would also love to know, how this kind of "arrangement" can fullfill a man's heart!?

To know, that a woman choosed to spend her life like that, while you are living abroad... and "worst case" even enjoying family life there with another woman, while your wife at home is just lonely....

Happy New week everyone...

Hypergam nah! Hope you know the meaning.

Even you ,if any abroad guy comes today that he wants to marry you, you won't think twice before you abandon ur guy of 3 years that u re in relationship with.

......Quickly u will be thinking of how u go dey do shakara for your fellow friends and ur exes.

The two partners know that they are going to have the freedom to live a carefree life as there will be no accountability in the marriage. It is more or less a contract marriage!

It's even better for her because the men we have back home have nothing to offer, expects you to bring to the table and still use you till you start looking old and hagard with no benefits. At least, with the man not being around most of the time and giving you space to breathe and also keep sending the money to take care of yourself you'll have time to recoup, look good and enjoy your space before he comes back.

As for feeling lonely, forget that one. Many women living with their husbands are still lonely and loneliness is relative. you can choose to be lonely or not, he doesn't need to be there physically for marriage to be. Provided he's sending the money for upkeep, no qualms. It's just that some women cannot do without sex and that's where I know many will feel bothered. Someone like me, I don't care.

Money. Olosho will marry anyone anywhere for the sake of money

Mindlog:
"I mean, once you are traditionally married to him, having a child for him... you can't easily change your mind again and Look for another man!?".......So wrong, traditional marriage is the easier to end, as in many communities, it entails refunding the bride price paid to the intending ex-husband in comparison to the one done in a registry.

Such marriage is transactional, the man wants a wife and children in Nigeria as back up while the "wife" in Nigeria wants steady income and most times still have sex with other men while still being "married".

I know a Nigerian man who is married to a Dutch and based in Amsterdam, he did go back to Nigeria to marry a lady from his place and now have 2 children. The man got the information that she is steadily sexually active with a guy and she didn't deny it, he threatened to throw her out of his house in Lagos while she threatened to report him to the Dutch Embassy in Nigeria for bigamy as it is a criminal offense in Netherlands, which would get the man prosecuted and spending some time in prison....Uncle, has now kept quiet despite the pressure from his family in Nigeria to throw her out of "his" house.

Would make a good Nollywood movie:

Marriage by duress parts 1 - 4

@OP:

Part of the whys include

Having the benefit of the status of marriage without the accompanying problems 'Nigerian' husbands are known to bring;

Hope that she & kids would japa;

The financial returns;

The bragging rights etc.

Unfortunately, what they have is a 'contraption' and the woman cannot have the support marriage should provide.

While the man is just a financial sperm donor.

I believe it is just baby mamaism 2.0

bukatyne:




Would make a good Nollywood movie:

Marriage by duress parts 1 - 4

Marriage by duress indeed!

She is "securing the bag" through her knowledge of bigamy as a crime in the Netherlands and can imagine the man living under fear.

goodamerican:

He deserves no sympathy. He probably married the Dutch woman for papers and she most likely isn't aware of this or that he has married another lady in Nigeria, smh. I hope the Nigerian lady continues to show him pepper.

The Dutch wife is unaware.

Mindlog:


Marriage by duress indeed!

She is "securing the bag" through her knowledge of bigamy as a crime in the Netherlands and can imagine the man living under fear.

I imagine the ensuring horror if he manages to 'break free'.

Anyways, ole gbe, ole gba.

I know a friend's ex girlfriend who got married to a man who lives in scotland. The man only came back about three years ago, did the entire marriage process on hot foot and left. Since then, he hasn't come back to meet his Nigerian wife.

Now, she's lonely and living in the mansion her husband built here. Sometimes, she sneaks out to sleep with other men, including her ex who's my friend.

How long would she continue doing that? I'm sure she knew what was involved before going into such marriage, but her sense of reasoning was beclouded by hypergamy.

It is not always so as you think, my younger sister is married to a man who stays in USA and didn't rush their wedding planning but took it step by step. This year alone he has come back 2 times and is planning to return this week. People are different and do things differently. He has successfully processed and gotten American passport for 2 of his children and about to get same for the remaining 2 and his wife.

Thanks for some opinions and also for some experience stories from friends...

Well, at this point, I would like to open up - about how this very topic came to my mind...

I am in this kind of Situation myself.

My husband and me have been living together abroad and separated for 2 years due to some hardships. We have a kid together and have always been close to each other - but no Sex anymore - during those 2 years of beeing apart.
A big part of this is, that I cant get pregnant in natural way anymore.

Last December, he went home.

As he came back, we became closer and closer to each other again and started picking up the pieces - meaning, we are fully back together.

After short time, I started having bad dreams, feeling somehow and at a point, I was sure, he married at home, the time he travelled.
Did some little research because of my feelings and was right.

I asked him for a quiet time to talk and so we did.

I asked him, if he married and he said - well, not really marriage... but traditional etc point

The woman is pregnant and his child with her will be born soon.

I asked him, why did he come back to me, knowing what he did at home and now hurting me with it, as all my feelings for him has been awake again...

He said, that he is sorry, he didn't want to hurt me ... didnt expect, that we will come back again - but cant deny himself or anyone the love he have for me.

So I now asked him, what he expects me to do and what is his own wish...!?

He said, he cant force me, but he would love us to stay together... after all... we have 11 months together and the highest time he spend at home is 4 weeks in a year...

I asked him, what of her? Did she know?
So he said... before he did the traditional marriage with her, he told her, that he has a family in Europe already... so, its up to her, to accept the traditional marriage or not. And so she accepted.

I asked him... so, how do you want things to be?
He said, if I will like, I can even get to know her (because I mentioned, that I will never be able to go home with him anymore)

I also asked, what he things where all this will lead to - because anything we achieve - like building a house together and so on... will automatically be for her- as she is at home and living in the house and such....

He said... it will still be for all of us... but I can't really be happy with that thought.

Anyway... my own feelings apart ...

I am just crazy about what to do...

I love him with all my heart and I was overhappy that we are full back together... not expecting something like this to come up.

Still... I feel so much for the other woman at home...

I want to be happy with him... but having a lot of thoughts...

I am sure about his love for me, I understand, that he needed more kids, as he dont grow younger... but still, I am not really ready to be the reason for another follow woman sadness (if she will be sad at all- because a friend of mine told me, that she at home might might be happy, that at least, he only have one woman here.. instead of many for fun) and of course, the idea, of knowing - that any time he goes home now, he will not just be looking at her only...

Am REALLY confused... for my own part...
Trying to understand the other woman, why she would accept all this...
Praying for God to give me the strength to bear all this and put things in a way, that everyone will be happy...

Sometimes, I think like "maybe one day she will get tired of this her December marriage and find her own husband and I will have him for myself again...."

I always said before, if such happens to me... I will run... but now that I am into it... I find it hard to friend the idea of leaving him...

Can someone relate?
Any ideas of what to do!?

He gave me time to think and decide.... but I am just having Million thoughts and asked him, to let's just continue beeing happy and see what happens with time... but at the same time, my heart is really paining me....

Things like this are common in the East. But it is Alien in other part of this Country.

OP, I see no one to blame here. You and your husband separated for 2 years, with no sexual relationship. The man thought that was the end of the marriage and you people will end in divorce.

He needs more children and decided to go home and marry someone else. The lady in Nigeria has many reasons to marry him at that point cos he was not with you at that point. Many women in Nigeria will jump into that opportunity, trust me. Apart from financial benefits of monthly sending of hard currency, there is hope of living abroad one day for them and their children.

My advise for you is this. If you can live with polygamy, continue your marriage with your husband but understand that he now has more responsibilities at home.

If you cannot put up with polygamy, you can proceed to seek divorce or separate from him.

If you decide to stay, please don't put blame on the poor Nigerian lady. It is even possible that she is also not happy that her husband is back with you. Seek peace and fairness going forward in this situation.

Thanks...

Well, as you can see from my words...
I didnt blame anyone neither...

Because - yes, we have been separated during the time he wanted to move on....

The only thing I dont like, that he came back to me first and than told me about all this, after I was feeling, that something is wrong.

Before going back into anything with me - he should have told me first...
And also... it surprised me, that he didn't tell me, while we were still not together again...

Well, I dont wish anyone anything bad... Also not her...

I still wonder, why she will put herself into this (although I understand the reasons, like someone taking care of her financially and so on...) - because he told her from day 1 - that he is still with me and the kids and she accepted that he has a intact family abroad. (According to him - thats why he left open for me, to get to know her....but that sounds crazy for me at the moment)

I never supported poligamy and I have always been against it...

But now that my heart is involved, I am trying to check myself very well... if eventually I could come with it... but oh Lord, help me... its so hard form me to know what is the best for everyone... and do the right thing ...

I feel like, I should Set him free for her... because I pity her already.... still, it wouldn't change the fact, that she wouldn't live under one roof with him and so on..

I was getting myself during the 2 years we were not together... but it took me very long to cope with it... still not happy, still loving him and having hope... but at a point not suffering too much anymore, because of missing him..

If we break up again now, after our love has been so sweet again... oh nooooo....

At the same time... I dont want to miss anything...

Because no matter what... I do love him and I know I will never stop loving him.... but that's also exactly the reason why am not really ready to share him...

May God help me to control the Million thoughts in my head and get myself clear - in order to live a happy life again �

Loveofmylife15:
Thanks...

Well, as you can see from my words...
I didnt blame anyone neither...

Because - yes, we have been separated during the time he wanted to move on....

The only thing I dont like, that he came back to me first and than told me about all this, after I was feeling, that something is wrong.

Before going back into anything with me - he should have told me first...
And also... it surprised me, that he didn't tell me, while we were still not together again...

Well, I dont wish anyone anything bad... Also not her...

I still wonder, why she will put herself into this (although I understand the reasons, like someone taking care of her financially and so on...) - because he told her from day 1 - that he is still with me and the kids and she accepted that he has a intact family abroad. (According to him - thats why he left open for me, to get to know her....but that sounds crazy for me at the moment)

I never supported poligamy and I have always been against it...

But now that my heart is involved, I am trying to check myself very well... if eventually I could come with it... but oh Lord, help me... its so hard form me to know what is the best for everyone... and do the right thing ...

I feel like, I should Set him free for her... because I pity her already.... still, it wouldn't change the fact, that she wouldn't live under one roof with him and so on..

I was getting myself during the 2 years we were not together... but it took me very long to cope with it... still not happy, still loving him and having hope... but at a point not suffering too much anymore, because of missing him..

If we break up again now, after our love has been so sweet again... oh nooooo....

At the same time... I dont want to miss anything...

Because no matter what... I do love him and I know I will never stop loving him.... but that's also exactly the reason why am not really ready to share him...

May God help me to control the Million thoughts in my head and get myself clear - in order to live a happy life again �

You have two options before you, you either embrace being part of the polygamous setup or you officially end the marriage.

How will giving birth naturally be the reason you both had to separate? You are abroad, where there are suberb medical experts, can't you use other options available? Except he is an archiac man, I see that natural birth excuse as weird.

All I'll say is love yourself, value yourself, and find happiness with yourself, no one can make you happy except you, hold yourself in very high esteem and have self dignity and respect, be aware of your breaking point when it comes to marriage and emotions, do not manage, do not endure, do not suffer.

Lastly, ask him what his reaction would have been if you were the one that was involved with another man and got pregnant during your separation period, his answer should determine your next action.

Loveofmylife15:



Because no matter what... I do love him and I know I will never stop loving him.... but that's also exactly the reason why am not really ready to share him...

May God help me to control the Million thoughts in my head and get myself clear - in order to live a happy life again �

I can see you both share something special, special love, in the phase of this challenge.

Believe me, it's not an easy situation for all involved.

I will add that you don't rush to make any decision yet. Allow time for the initial emotional shock to pass, where you can reason better to consider many perspectives, the love you share, children involved, your happiness, etc.

Jovialjune1:
How will giving birth naturally be the reason you both had to separate? You are abroad, where there are suberb medical experts, can't you use other options available? Except he is an archiac man, I see that natural birth excuse as weird.

All I'll say is love yourself, value yourself, and find happiness with yourself, no one can make you happy except you, hold yourself in very high esteem and have self dignity and respect, be aware of your breaking point when it comes to marriage and emotions, do not manage, do not endure, do not suffer.

Lastly, ask him what his reaction would have been if you were the one that was involved with another man and got pregnant during your separation period, his answer should determine your next action.

She said they separated "due to some hardships". Not primarily because of child bearing difficulty.

Helpout12345:


She said they separated "due to some hardships". Not primarily because of child bearing difficulty.

I am obviously particular about the childbirth issue since she specifically mentioned it.

Jovialjune1:
How will giving birth naturally be the reason you both had to separate? You are abroad, where there are suberb medical experts, can't you use other options available? Except he is an archiac man, I see that natural birth excuse as weird.

All I'll say is love yourself, value yourself, and find happiness with yourself, no one can make you happy except you, hold yourself in very high esteem and have self dignity and respect, be aware of your breaking point when it comes to marriage and emotions, do not manage, do not endure, do not suffer.

Lastly, ask him what his reaction would have been if you were the one that was involved with another man and got pregnant during your separation period, his answer should determine your next action.

@bold:

I hope the OP doesn't ask this question.

@Loveofmylife15:

Interesting turn of thread.

I don't believe his capping about love; you have a kid and you are both abroad. If he wanted more kids & you couldn't after exhausting all options, there is surrogacy.

Sit down and analyze what value you bring to the table that your husband couldn't let go. Also decide if you are magnanimous enough to let his polygamous ass keep enjoying it. (Sex during separation is adultery).

If you decide to continue in the marriage (which I think you would), DON'T BUILD anything with him in Nigeria (except you want to do charity).

And his Nigerian wife is going nowhere.

I wish you all the best.

bukatyne:


(Sex during separation is adultery).

including 2 year separation ?

Helpout12345:


including 2 year separation ?

Yes.

bukatyne:


Yes.

I think the lesson learned here is that long time separation is risky to a marriage and anything can happen within that separation time.

Hmmn, some men though.

Mindlog:
"I mean, once you are traditionally married to him, having a child for him... you can't easily change your mind again and Look for another man!?".......So wrong, traditional marriage is the easier to end, as in many communities, it entails refunding the bride price paid to the intending ex-husband in comparison to the one done in a registry.

Such marriage is transactional, the man wants a wife and children in Nigeria as back up while the "wife" in Nigeria wants steady income and most times still have sex with other men while still being "married".

I know a Nigerian man who is married to a Dutch and based in Amsterdam, he did go back to Nigeria to marry a lady from his place and now have 2 children. The man got the information that she is steadily sexually active with a guy and she didn't deny it, he threatened to throw her out of his house in Lagos while she threatened to report him to the Dutch Embassy in Nigeria for bigamy as it is a criminal offense in Netherlands, which would get the man prosecuted and spending some time in prison....Uncle, has now kept quiet despite the pressure from his family in Nigeria to throw her out of "his" house.

Lol... What audacity from that insidious woman. He had better do a DNA test on his 2 kids in Nigeria.