You know sometimes, it’s an awful crime to be born ugly. If you think not, then ask yourself why the suspects that the Nigerian Police always parade on NTA news look hideous.
But I feel sorry any time I go to weddings and see that both couples are ugly. (Like the last one that every body was talking about some weeks back! I won’t mention names because some folks may not have Mercy for me. . .). Such weddings make me feel so emotional. It brings tears to my eyes, for the wrong reason-not that they might be wedded and live happily every after-but because I wonder about the state of affairs of the poor kid that they will bring into the world. Some of the babies already know their fate even before they grow old enough to know better. Once they have been delivered the baby first takes a look at its Daddy, hmm. Then its waits for it to be shown to the Mother. Ah! No hope! That’s when it starts to cry. The more the mother smiles at it, the more the baby wails! The reason behind the baby’s unrelenting howls is that with the Revelation of the faces of both parents, the child needs no Judges to tell it that there is no way its own face will fare any better and hence the baby’s Lamentations. Amen.
There is this incredible story I heard about a mother who was in the labor room and about to give birth. Unknown to her, she was about to give birth to the ugliest baby born to mankind.
So the doctor was called, as usual to deliver what he thought was a normal human child.
“Push, madam, push!” the doctor implored her. And the woman pushed and pushed and pushed.
It’s a pity that when babies are born, it’s their head that comes out first. If only it were the other way round, then maybe the poor mother, the doctor, the nurses, the cleaners, the hospital staff, the pastor, the church members , the bystanders , the people, the government, the nation and indeed the world (not excluding space and the other eight planets in our solar system), would ALL have been saved the trouble. But that was not to be.
So the baby’s forehead started to come out.
“That is good madam, the baby is coming out. Push!” the doctor urged her on. Eventually the head came out.
“Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I rebuke you! Go back!” screamed a nurse before she collapsed on the floor to die. The doctor immediately jumped out through the window not caring about where or how he would land. Everybody in the delivery room took off!
“What is the matter?” yelled the mother. Nobody responded because the room was empty. There was no one to deliver her baby!
Desperate, she managed to get up and walked out of the hospital with the baby’s head dangling beneath her. All who saw her ran for their dear lives when they saw the baby’s face. As we mentioned earlier, it was the ugliest baby born to mankind, hence all the commotion. Whereever she went, she was greeted by screams and prayers for protection.
“It’s a monkey” cried a bystander.
“No, monkey fine pass this one, na demon be this!” howled an area boy.
“That’s nonsense” stated a highly learned school professor who happened to be passing by, “There is a perfectly suitable scientific explanation for this rare phenomenon we are highly unfortunate to witness.”
“Okay sir, what is it? Explain for us!” wailed the crowd that had gathered at the scene.
“It an extra-terrestrial life form from outer space that has come to our galaxy to invade our species!” the professor answered.
The crowd fell silent, looking at the academician with blank faces. Then they all turned back to the area boy.
“Guy, wetin you talk make sense. Na demon be that!” they all declared. “Let’s call Pastor K!”
Immediately Pastor K was on his way, in his private jet. As they neared where the incident was unfolding, the clergy man said to the pilot, “Decrease the vertical elevation of the levitating automobile to such a depth as would decrease the unrelenting gravitational force that is being imposed on it at the moment in time”.
“Pastor, sorry you say what?!!” asked the confused pilot.
“Okay, lower the plane”.
“Ah! Was that it sir? Pastor, that one is simple now!” and the pilot began to lower the plane.
“Yes, decrease altitude”, ordered the pastor. “Decease, decrease. . . ”
But when the plane got low enough for the pastor to see the face of the baby, he screamed, “Abeg, pilot, carry this thing go up, upper, up-est now, now, now!”
To which the pilot replied, “Correct! Na now I dey feel you Pastor K”
“Pastor, are you leaving us?” cried the crowd.
“No, this is the work for the Angels in heaven. I will summon them for you with prayer!”
And so the pastor did call the angels. And the angels did come. Even unto the earth, even unto the continent of Africa, and even into Nigeria where this calamity was unfolding.
By now, both local and international press had the news. As usual the NTA, the largest TV network in Africa, was there. On the scene was a reporter ready to air the news for the NTA. He started:
“This is Tunde Adeleye reporting the news of the woman and the strange creature for NTA news live from outside somebody’s house where we are viewing the incidence through his sitting room window on his flat plasma 14 inches TV with DSTV showing the CNN news channel and yes, we are still the largest TV network in Africa.”
Our reporter continues:
“Yes in the sky, they are 2 angels coming down from Heaven. How they made it past airport security I don’t know, but I guess that’s where divine intervention comes into play. . . Okay. Yes. . . they are flying to the scene of the incidence. They have landed. Yes, the Nigerian Customs and Immigration Service are already with them. How they got there no one knows, not even the angels from heaven. Okay . . . the customs people are asking them for their Visas, believe it or not. Yes, they say they are only doing their job. The angels are explaining that they just landed from heaven via a prayer call by Pastor K. Yes, they are still explaining. . .”
“And oh! Someone is blocking the TV. Okay my producer is sending someone in to tell the person to move away from the TV- that is in his own house I should add. Yes, our man has gone to the gate. He enters. He is running out of the house. Yes, a fierce looking security dog is pursuing him seriously. Yes, my producer has also run away, yes, that is his shoe you are seeing there in the picture. Ah! The dog is looking at me now. Yes, its teeth are shiny and sharp. Yes, very healthy looking dog. Hmm. It is coming towards me now. Yes, I am going away from it now. Okay, our camera man has just told the dog that his name is Okon, from Calabar. Wonderful! The dog has taken off! It has even overtaken my producer on the way! How the dog knows Okon and Calabar, we shall never know.
This is is Tunde Adeleye reporting the news of the woman and the strange creature for NTA news live from outside somebody’s house who has just blocked his TV screen now, and yes, yes we are the LARGEST TV network in Africa!”



Hmm, that’s where the rumor I heard stopped. Maybe I will find out later how the story ended. . .

Next time make it brief and exact.