hello famz
how is you all doing
am starting dis thread for posting the largest collection of funny stories in nairaland
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so just sit down
cuz is gonna be a long ride

{During se×}
Girl: Yeeaahhh mmmm yeahhhh
Me: Who's your daddy?!!
Girl: Youu babyy...mmm it's youuu
Me: *turns her around*... Get down here
Girl: Babe wait....*opens drawer and brings out rope*.... You promised me we'd do BDSM this time.
Me: oh yeah... *lies down on the bed*... Anything for you baby.
Girl: *ties my hands around my back, very tight...brings out another rope and ties my laps and legs*... You like that?
Me: I love it!
Girl: *rubs my nipples and licks my chest*.... Tell me you like that.
Me: mmmm... I like that!
Girl: let's make this IittIe monster stand...*startsgiving me hañd job*
Me: *moans*
*After 2 minutes*
Girl: Perfect...*tightens the rope and opens drawer again, then brings out cane, candle and matches*
Me:
Girl: *strikes matches and lights the candle*
Me: B..ba...babe?
Girl: There's no pleasure without pain honey... don't worry, I'd just pour some wax on the tip of your blggie... I promise, it won't hurt.
Me: B..bab....
Girl: *flogs my chest and brings the candle closer* ... Do you like that?? Tell me you like that..
Me: Ndidiamaka I want to go home, I'm the only son of my parents.

. THE INVILGILATOR
*During Maths WAEC exam*
External Invigilator: This is not ordinary schooI exam. I want to remind you all that you're writing WAEC and I won't tolerate cheating.
Me and my mates:
External Invigilator: Ask around about me, aside invigilating, I tear exam papers for a living. Try me and see
Me and my mates: *still writing while sweating*
External Invigilator: Hey you! yes you at the window! You think I'm joking?? Hehe, it's like you want to walk out of this hall before your mates. I will repeat myself again for the last time. I don't condone cheating!! and I don't accept bribery. I believe in doing it yourself...so if you're hoping on your teachers to save you, hehehe then your plan has failed!
*Principal walks in*
Principal: Good morning sir, I want to see you
Invigilator: Okay sir, hold on... Students, If you try any nonsense while I'm talking, I will know. I have eyes everywhere.
*Principal and invigilator talks for ten minutes and then he goes back to his sit*
Invigilator: *sits down and clears throat*
*some junior students walks in with a tray of rice, beans, stew and two turkey alongside Eva wine, Gulder and 5 alive..then drop it on the invigilator table*
Invigilator: *smiling*...Ahnahn, this is too much nau, thank you o.
*Maths teacher walks in with an exercise book*
Maths teacher: We don't have much time. I will attend to the objective questions first. No 1. C. No 2. A. No 3. D ....
Me: Ahhh...but sir, the invigilator sai...
Invigilator: There is no time o, you people should write fast... Listen to your maths teacher. Na invigilator wey never chop dey dey strict for exam Hall

THE ARMED ROBBER

Armed robber: Your money or your life!!! Any sudden movement, you dle!
Babe: *screams*... please don't kill me!! please don't kill me!!...*hurriedly picks up her phone and dials my number*
Me: *picks the call*... Hello, queen?
Babe: I've told you not to pick my calls...you know I don't have airtime o. Mtchew, call me back johr, arm robber is in my house.
Armed robber:hia chineke naa o

[color=#000000][/color]

THE GAME

Me: Babe, let's play a prank on our friends
Babe: What kind of prank?
Me: Give me your phone fess... We'll call our friends and prank them that we're getting married, let's see their reaction. The phone will be on loudspeaker.
Babe: *laughs out loud*... Stteevvvvee!!! This will be hilarious!!
Me: *dials her friend's number*...sshh sshh, I'm already calling Patricia
Babe: *closes her mouth and struggles not to laugh*
Patricia: Hello babe?
Babe: Hello, Paty baby!!
Patricia: This one wey you call this morning, hope no problem.
Babe: *trying to hold her laugh*...Babe I'm getting married!!!! Finally!!!
Patricia: Ahnahn...to who??
Me:
Babe: what kind of question is that na?? My boyfriend, Ste...
Patricia: Which of them?? Emmanuel?? Frank?? Victor?? Who later proposed first?? Abeg gist me!!!
Me:
Babe:
Patricia: Babe talk na!!
Babe: It's St... Stephen
Patricia: Mtchew... Nawa ooo. That one go use mouth odour finish you for house.
Me hia ehh, iz finished

THE PROPHESY

Pastor: You in black
Me: Sir...me or him?
Pastor: You. The one who looks poor, stand up
Me: Okay Daddy
Pastor: You are a young man
Me: Yes sir
Pastor: You have been suffering since you left your parents house
Me: Yes daddy
Pastor: You have near Success syndrome. When you're about to achieve something, it fails.
Me: Yes dadddyy!!!
Pastor: The other day, you manager said he will promote you at work. The next day, before he could do it, they sacked him and you still remained where you are.
Me: Ahh!! Yes sirrrrr!!!
Pastor: Have I met you before??
Me: Erhmm...
Pastor: Talk to anybody??
Me: Sir?
Pastor: How did I know you were not promoted??
Me: b...
Pastor: Celebrate grace!!!
Me: But Daddy, I told you this same story in our last guidance and counseling session
Pastor: I know. Na story wey person tell me, I wan dey use as prophecy now.
Abi u wan make i stress holy ghost

TOASTING GONE WRONG

*In abroad, when you see a lady with her friend in a bar and you try to toast the lady*
Kevin: I bet you 100 dollars, you can't talk to any of those girls over there bro.
Dwayne: *smiles*...makeit 200, and I'll bring one of them back to my seat.
Sam: I make it 400 dollars bro...you ain't finna do notin!!
Dwayne: Alright...*smiles, stands and walks up to the lady*... Hi, I've been looking at you for a while back there and I couldn't take my eyes off you. My name is Dwayne, yours?
Lady: You're so funny, please excuse me
Dwayne: Oh I wasn't talking to you, I'm talking to your friend...*turnsto the friend*...Hi, I said I'm Dwayne, please what's yours?
Lady:
Friend: *blushes and tried to hold her laughter*...Oh I'm sorry, I'm Catherine.
Dwayne: It's nice to meet you, Catherine...care to have a drink with me at my table?
Catherine: Oh of course...*turnsto her friend*...I'll be back in a while, dear. *walks away with Dwayne*
{Meanwhile in our motherland, at a bar with your friends then you guys see two ladies standing at the counter }
Solomon: Guy I fit swear say you no fit meet any girl there follow am talk.
Me: *smiles*...how much you want put?
Solomon: *laughs*...I put 5k, you no fit do am!
Me: Make am 10k, I go bring back one of them here
Timothy: Ahnahn, See Stephen ooo...I put extra 10k, you no fit!!! Nawa ooo
Me: *laughs*...oya na...*walks up towards the ladies*... Hello beautiful, I've been staring at you from my seat and I couldn't help but wonder, who is more hotter? You or the afternoon sun?
Girl: Mtchew
Me: *smiles*...I wasn't talking to you dear, I'm talking to your friend behind you.
Her friend: *laughs*...Youraudacity is taller than you. Aside education, you look like you need money. Send your account details, dear
*
*
5 mins later Solomon, Timothy, waiter and Dj still dey pour me water.

*CHILDHOOD MEMORIES*
*9 year old me and my mother visits her friend, Mama Nkiru*
Me: Good morning ma
Mama Nkiru: Ahnahn, Mama Stephen!! Stephen!! Hian! Welcome! Enter enter, come and sit down
Mum: Nne thank you jare
Mama Nkiru: This one you came to see me today, hope I'm safe?...*laughs*
Me: *smiles and sits down*
Mum: *laughs out loud*... nwaanyia sef... Its because of that thing we talked about yesterday evening na. Remember I told you I'll come today, let us finish everything.
Mama Nkiru: Oh oh, okayy..oya na. Stephen boy, how are you?
Me: I'm fine ma..*smiles*
Mama Nkiru: Nkiru and David are not at home now o, David followed his daddy to his shop while Nkiru went for children's prayer.
Me: Oh okay ma, it's fine
Mama Nkiru: Wait, there's Jollof rice and beans with fish I cooked this morning. Let me bring small for you my dear.
Mum: Ahnahn...Mama Nkiru, this boy just finished eating at home before coming here?...*looks at me*
Me: *smiles with fear*
Mama Nkiru: And so?? Is he not my son again? He will still eat my own food as long as he came to my house na...that's how we do it, I'm his mother too.
Mum: *laughs dangerously*...Mama Nkiruuuuu
Me:
Mama Nkiru: Abegiii... Stephen boy, you like it with Fanta abi??...I'm coming
Me: T...thank you ma. *Smiles*
Mama Nkiru: *enters kitchen*
{ 7 minutes later}
Mama Nkiru: *comes out*... Nne what happened? I was hearing noise from outside, I even thought my TV fell down because I heard glass broke
Mum: *laughs*...Hmmm, I did not hear anything o. Maybe it's those small small children playing near your window.
Mama Nkiru: Nna ehn, those children can playyyy!!... Stephen boy, take the rice first let me go and buy Fanta, I'm coming.
Me: N...no thank you ma, Jollof rice use to do me vomit vomit

LONGER THROAT
*When our neighbour, Okechukwu comes back from Lagos*,
Mum: Heeeiii!!! Okechukwu is back from the city!! Ha!!!
Okechukwu: *smiling*... Mummy, good evening ma
Mum: Good evening nwa m, welcome back
Me: Brotherly, welcome bro, we missed you.
Okechukwu: I missed you guys too, brotherly. Mummy take, this is for you.
Mum: Heeeiii, Okechukwu bought bread for me. Nwa m, God bless you
Okechukwu: Amen ma
Me: Oga me nko
Okechukwu: You be my guy na, no worry, tomorrow I go flex you
Mum: See your mouth like me nko... instead of you to also buy for me something, you are busy dragging the one they bought for me
Me and Okechukwu: *laughs out loud*...maale, no be so
Mum: Abeg jare... welcome back again, Oke, thank God for journey mercy. I want to go and sleep small, we are going for vigil this night.
Okechukwu: No problem ma
Mum: Stephen won't you go and sleep? I don't want to see you sleeping inside church this night o
Me: maale, don't worry, there's still time. *We all laugh as she enter inside*...Omo bro hwfa na, how Lagos??
Okechukwu: Guuuyyyy, everywhere hard!! Ahh!! Make I gist you
{Later that night during the vigil}
Pastor: That woman at the back there
My mum: Sir? Daddy, is it me?
Pastor: Yes, you. Come here
Mum: *walks to the altar*
Pastor: How are you?
Mum: I'm fine sir
Pastor: Mummy, do you know anybody called Okechukwu?
Mum: Yes sir!!
Pastor: and your son knows this person too?
Mum: yes sir, he's our neighbour...himand my son grew up together and ever since his parents died, I've been like his mother to him.
Pastor: Mmhmmm... Do you know he joined occult?
Members: *whispers silently*...Heeeiiiii!! Ahhh!!! Blood of Jesus..*snaps finger*
Mum: No daddy, I don't know, he just got back home from Lagos where he went to visit his uncle.
Pastor: Yes, it was that uncle that put him inside occult. They have him a mission. For him to make money, he has to sacriflce the person he loves most...and mummy it is you he loves most in his life.
Church members: *starts whispering*...Heeeiii!! Because of Benz!!! Ndi Yahoo yahoo, ndi ogwu ego..tufia!
Me:
Pastor: They gave him bread to give you to eat. Once you eat that bread, you run mad the next day by 3pm. Once you run mad, he starts making money. Did he give you any bread when he came back?
Mum: Y...yes daddy but I have not eaten it, I kept it in my kitchen and wanted to use it and drink tea this morning.
Church members: Heeeiiiii!!! Chineke nna!!! Naso this woman suppose dle leave her pikin for this world!! Nna ehn, people are wicked!! See as God just save this woman!!
Me:hia ehh am finished
pastor: ogini? What is it
Me: i bought beans and used it to eat the bread when my mother was sleeping
church members: chia ehhh , brethren rest in peace in advance oo
pastor: mama solo abeg go find 6 feet casket, dis mata dn tire holy spirit

MY WEDDING

*When Ebuka Obi Uchendu attends my wedding uninvited*
Chief bridesmaid: Cindy, look!! Ebuka is here!!! Ebuka!!!
Cindy, my wife-to-be: Ebuka? Who's Ebuka??
Chief bridesmaid: Big brother Naija Ebuka na!!! See!!!
Me: Ebuka ke? In my wedding??...*looks at the door where people are gradually gathering round a person*
Cindy: *screams and runs to meet Ebuka*... Oh my gosh!!! Ebuka!!! You came!! How When?? What's going on??
Ebuka: *smiling*...it's so nice to meet you, Cindy.
Me: *walks up to them*... Hello, bro
Ebuka: If it isn't the man of the moment!!! You must be Stephen, sir...the groom!
Me: *smiles*...Yes I am, my bro...it's an honour to have you, a celebrity here. But I can't help but wonder how? If you don't mind me asking, who invited you?
Ebuka: *laughs*...it'stotally fine, really. It was your bride, actually.
Cindy; Me?
Ebuka: *laughs*...yeah, she just randomly commented on a post I made some days ago, asking that I attend her wedding, then she dropped the invitation card in the comment section. I knew she was actually catching cruise but then I decided to surprise her.
Me: Oh wow
Cindy: OMG!!!! OMG!!! Ebuka noticed my comment!!! My crush noticed me!!!
Ebuka: *laughing out loud*
Me:
Cindy: God! Today is the best day ever!! I am so excited!!
Ebuka: *laughs*...calmdown, please. Oh before I forget, happy married life, Cindy and Steve
Me: Thank y...
Cindy: Oh we're not officially married yet, dear.... we've not said the vows yet...
Me: y...yeah, we will soon begin the wedding proper
Cindy: *laughs*... B...but I'm still single partially...*laughs out loud while talking*... waiting for you...sorry, my prince charming...I'm joking!!! I'm kidding with you!! *Laughs Jezebelly*
Ebuka: *laughs*...you had me there for a moment
Me:
Female wedding guests: *whispering*..." Is that Ebuka from bbn??"... "My God! He's so handsome!!!"...."Man is hot!!".... "He even looks like he's the one doing wedding today".... "I swear, him and Cindy fit so well" "Abeg he's married ooo"..."and so?? The guy na spec abeg" "Stephen nko?" "That one na spectacles"...*everyone laughs out loud silently*
Me:
Cindy: Reverend father has not even come sef, I don't know if this wedding will still hold o, nawa...Ebuka your so fine!!
Ebuka: Thank you dear, you look stunning too
Me: How's your wife, Ebuka?
Ebuka: Oh she's actually fine..she would have come but she's busy
Me: Lovely
Chief bridesmaid: Cindy, the makeup artist wants to see you...she wants to do that finishing touch she talked about.
Cindy; Oh, okay...oya na Ebuka, we'll talk later after the wedding. *Slowly walks away*
Ebuka: No problem, my dear.
Me: Erhhmm, my bro...be like you go begin go back house o
Ebuka: Oh why?...,any problem?
Me: Not really...just that the food here is already calculated and we didn't include you inside, so I...
Ebuka: Oh it's fine, I'm filled up already and besides I didn't come for the food.
*A wedding guest enters with her child and walks past us*
Me: Welcome ma, this way
Her child: *whispers to the mother while they're entering inside*...Wow! Mummy the husband is too fine!!!
Wedding guest: No o, that's not the husband. It's Ebuka. The husband is that one that greet us.
Her child: Oh, ehya...he try sha.
Me: Come, Ebuka dey go house
Ebuka: *laughs*... Chill bro, she's just being funny
Me: Shey she resemble sabinus? Abi you see my teeth? No use your fine hand touch me ooh, oya dey go house

LESSON TEACHER

Me: Omo bro I don tire for that lesson teacher job wey I dey do
Solomon: That boy again??! Wetin happen??
Me: Guy, this boy no dey respectful at all. He lacks manners, they did not train him well. If you see the way this small boy dey always insult me!!!
Solomon: wait, which class the boy dey??
Me: Jss1 ooo, Solomon!! Jss1!!!
Solomon: Omo!!! Beat the werey na abi shey you no dey carry cane go that hin house??
Me: You won't understand bro, I no wan beat am, I no wan touch am...very soon he go realize wetin he dey do.
Solomon: Naso you dey always talk since, oya quit the lesson job, no teach ama again.
Me: No na, the boy needs me...you know say he no sabi maths and my aim na to make am understand maths. They even need an English teacher for him. The boy na olodo wey no get respect but I'll do my best to make him know maths....don't worry, you will not understand.
Solomon: You be mugu! Big one! God know say if na me, I go don quit the job tey tey, God punish am!
Me: *laughs*...Solamon!!! Abeg no finish me with laugh. Omo, I wan dey go hin house, time for lesson don almost reach.
Solomon: make I follow you reach there, make I see the werey face.
Me: Oya na, but no react or do anyhow if the boy insuIt me ooo
Solomon: No problem
{15 minutes later, we got to the boy's house}
Me: Good afternoon na
Boy's mum: Uncle Stephen, you're here.. welcome, oh, you brought a friend along too.
Solomon: Good afternoon ma
Me: Yes, he's actually my...
Boy's mum: It's fine it's fine...you both should enter, Kingsley has been waiting for you.
Me and Solomon: Thank you ma
{Few minutes later, I start teaching Kingsley}
Me: So whenever they say 3-5, don't say it cannot go, you will d...
Kingsley: You're a fooI!!!!
Solomon:
Me: *smiles*
Kingsley: Sir, you don't have sense ooo.
Me: *smiles*...I know
Solomon:
Kingsley's mother: *comes out of the kitchen with two plates of fried rice, turkey, Salad and malt*.... Uncle Stephen, you both must be tired, please just manage this one from us.
Solomon:
Me: *smiles*...it'sno problem ma. *Collects the food*
Kingsley's mother: Ehen, my husband has finally gotten a three bedroom apartment for you like we told you the other day. We'll be paying your rent yearly and also support you whichever way you want.
Solomon:
Me: *smiles*...God bless you both ma
Kingsley's mother: He's even driving your new car back home for you as we speak.
Solomon:
Me: Wow!! God bless you ma!! I can't repay this!!
Kingsley's mother: Stop uncle Stephen, you're repaying it already. You're the only lesson teacher our son has. Here, take this #70,000 and use for your transport today.
Solomon:
Me: Ahh! Ma please, this is too much.
Kingsley's mother: Don't worry, you can share it with your friend here.
Solomon: I'm sorry ma, I'm actually he's colleague, Mr. Solomon. I'm an English teacher and graduate.
Me:
Kingsley's mother: Wow!! And we've been looking for English teacher since!!!
Kingsley: Uncle Solomon, you're very stupld!!!!
Kingsley's mother: KINGSLEYYYYY!!!!
Solomon: *smiles*... Oh please ma, no need to shout at him. He's just a kid, I understand him.
Me: jesus nwa davido

THE HOUSE PARTY

Me: Omo guy that una house party yesterday night, e make sense dle!! Thanks for inviting me
Solomon: I tell you na...na why I talk say make you and Timothy follow me go.
Me: Why Timothy no follow us sef?
Solomon: The werey talk say he dey tired
Me: That boy ehnn... meanwhile, I just like the way you dey vibe with those your guys.
Solomon: I dey tell you bro!!! Upon say all of us just meet two months ago for the radio school, now we don graduate con do after party, dey vibe like say we sabi each other from small.
Me: Brooo!! Aswr!!...even the girls sef for this una set!! Omo!! Jesus Christ!! My eye aImost tear!! You know say l knack one for midnight na.
Solomon; You??
Me: *laughs*...you no trust me again??...but na even the girl con meet me ooo, and me sef don dey eye am since, Omo that girl sweet dle!!! Ahh!! We go like 8 rounds sef
Solomon: *laughs*... Makanaki!!!!...I just like as how everybody have fun for there. Aside doing the after party to celebrate our graduation, we also do am cos of Agnes, our classmate...very fine girl. She revealed to us some days earlier that she contacted HlV from her boyfriend. We notice say the thing con dey make am depressed, we con organise this party in a way wey be say she must have fun.
Me: Omo!! Una try jare...funny enough, the one wey me and sleep together, her name sef na Agnes. She too sabi!!
Solomon:
Me:
Solomon:
Me: S...Solo...una get t..two Agnes for class abi
*
solo: bro R.I.P in advance cuz ur own dn finish
Me : mummy oo....

*Most used words in Nigeria gather and argue about who's been used most by Nigerians*
E choke: *shouting angrily*...You people don't know what you're saying, do you know how many times these people used me?? Una no know wetin I pass through!! So spare me this nonsense argument...e no suppose be argument at all, na me Nigerians use pass!!
Japa: See as you dey shout like say true true na you win the award. When I'm here?? Do you know what I pass through daily in the hands of Nigerians because of their country?? You know wetin I don see regularly in the hands of these people. So if dem dey talk about who dem don use pass among all of us here, make una no follow me drag am!!
God abeg: *Laughs silently*... You're talking about being used everytime because of the situation of things in the country, you sabi how many times these people don shout my name?? Even when dem wan use you, Japa, dem go first shout my name like twice...
(have flashback of Nigerians using him)
Nigerian 1: *discussing with his guy*...Guuuyyy,I wan Japa. I don tire for this country, God abeg!!
Nigerian 2: Mtchew, egg wey be #30 before na #150 now. I don tire bro, If I see money to japa, I no go think twice at all...Ahh, God abeg na!! God abeg!!
God abeg: *stops remembering* So you kids should sit down and give honour to whom honour is due.
Idan: *tries to talk*.... I don't t...
Sapa: *interrupts Idan*...If...IfI slap you!! You see your mate for here?? Better no make me use vex change am for you...Ehen, Speaking of giving honour to whom it's due, you sabi how many people dey use me on a regular basis?? Workers ooo, students ooo, graduates ooo, under graduates ooo, as long as say you dey this Tinubu Nigeria, dem no born the person well not to use me.
(A mysterious figure sitting down starts laughing quietly)
Japa: *looks at the person fearfully*
E choke: T...this guy dey here since??
God abeg: *scared and breathing heavily*
Sapa: *trying to be bold*
*The mysterious figure raises his head and it's "Omo"*
Omo; *still smiling*.. Sapa you get point sha but all of una wey dey here know say dem no fit use una without me.
*Have a flashback memory of a Nigerian answering a call while on the way to the airport with his travelling box*
Nigerian 1: *answering call*...Yes this country don tire me my brother, I dey japa like this. Omo I don tire!!
*Another flashback*
Nigerian 2: egg wey be #30 before na #150 now. I don tire bro, If I see money to japa, I no go think twice at all...Ahh, God abeg na!! Omo!!
Omo: *stops remembering*...So you see, I am the king, yesterday, today and fore....
*Immediately a guy forcefully opens the door and tries to enter the room*
Japa, God abeg, E choke, Sapa, Idan, Omo: *looks at the person with confusion*
A-thon: *crawling on the floor and trying to enter inside*...H...help me, Pleeasseeee... Help me
*Nigerians rush inside shouting and drags A-thon away*
A-thon: *starts having flashbacks of "Cook a-thon" "Sing a-thon" "Kiss a-thon" "Lecture a-thon" "Dance a-thon" "cry a-thon " "laugh a-thon" fliers*
*
so which do u think its the most used slangs?

Babe: Steve, I don't think I can continue with this relationship
Me: W...why? what happened, babe?
Babe: I don't know, I just don't feel your energy in it.
Me: I don't understand, love...what did I do??
Babe: You're too serious, you never laugh, you never play in our relationship...you're just always serious. I'm not enjoying it at all
Me: But baby, you know I...
Babe: I understand Steve, it's your character and I perfectly understand you. Ladies need someone who matches their vibe, Someone who plays with them, pets them, makes them laugh, always calls, playful, jovial, clingy, fun to be with..not just stiff...I want you to act like a child sometimes, you know?? we women love that....I shouldn't be the only one doing it everytime...that's the beauty of a relationship.
Me:
Babe: I'm sorry, Stephen. I hope you find the one for you soon....*walks out and closes the door*
Me: *cleans tears*..I understand what ladies need in a man now. *sniffs catarrh*
*Six months later, I meet a new lady and we start dating*
4 MONTHS LATER
Babe: Stephen, let's end this relationship.
Me: W...why?
Babe: I'm tired
Me: *cleans the makeup on my face*... Philomena, what do you mean?
Babe: You're too playful...my God! you act so immature, so clingy, you're always calling me for God's sake!! you act like a child, Steve, not like a man...not like my man.
Me:
Babe: You know sometimes, when we go out with my friends and you're always laughing and cracking jokes, do you know they always ask me if you are this playful?? Steve, tell me the truth, did you play at all when you were a child?
Me:
Babe: Cos I don't understand why a grown up man like you would be doing this!! You even wore my make up on your face today!!
Me: I...it's play na..I thought you'd like it and it'd make you laugh.
Babe: It's funny, but still immature. Stephen, be serious for once naaa!!!
Me: But I thought you people like us this way??
Babe: God forbid!! Abeg! Ladies love their men mysterious, don't give us too much attention, don't be too clingy, don't do all these things you're doing now...it's us that's supposed to be doing it everytime. that's the beauty of a relationship.
Me: Okay babe...I swear I can do it, I'm like that sef...that's my main character.
Babe: Lovely, you'd do it for your next babe in the future cos we've broken up like this, I can't be with someone like you.
Me:
Babe: I'm sorry, Stephen. I hope you find the one for you soon....*walks out and closes the door*
Me: *sniffs catarrh and cleans tears*...My breakup just be like deja vu...Women!! I know what they want in a man now.
*8 months later, on a date with another lady*
Me: So what kind of men do you like??
Lady: *smiles*... I don't know why you guys always ask this question, it's so funny *laughs*
Me: Nne don't blame me o, biko...e get why
Lady: Oookkayyy...*sips drink*... I like my men tall, muscular, dark, mature but not too mature, clingy but not too clingy, playful but not too playful, let him not sha call me too much but let him always check up on me...
Me: oya dey go ah no dey do again

Solomon: Bro you don hear about the reunion?
Me: Which reunion?
Solomon: The reunion na...our secondary school mates dey plan reunion for next month.
Me: Oh, I wasn't aware
Solomon: and you be our headboy ooo
Me: *laughs*..baba how many years now?? forget that thing jare. Besides, why dem dey plan reunion?? to come show off Abi wetin??
Solomon: I no know for them o... you dey go abi?
Me: Go where?? abeg abeg...so if I dey trek come, I go con see Ijeoma or Yemi for their Lexus as dem dey pack. for school gate. While others dey pack their car, na slippers I go dey dust.
Solomon: *laughs out road*... guuuyyyy!! no reason like that johr. The reunion isn't that expensive. You remember Tayo na, abi? yeah, he's the one organising it...we all just have to contribute 10k and he'd take care of any other stuff required.
Me: Omo...even 10k sef, I no get bro. You no dey see pap wey me and you dey drink now?? sugar dey inside??
Solomon: Guy stop this na...you suppose dey this hangout. You were our headboy for crying out loud!!
Me: Hmmm
Solomon: wetin be 10k?? me sef know say you get up to 10k, bro
Me: make I no lie, the money dey okay sha
Solomon: Yes na
Me: Tayo get sense...shey he just marry this January??
Solomon: Yeah, na sharp guy
Me: Oya na...I dey on board...but omo, I dey shame to see my mates them like this guuyyy!!
Solomon: Abeggiii...I'lladd you to the group chat this night
Me: Oya na, thanks boss.
*Later that night, I'm added to the WhatsApp group*
Me: Good evening, everyone
Blessing: Yayyy!! Stephen is finally here!!
Ijeoma: Steve, hi
Frank: Headbbooyyyyyy!!!
Tayo: Welcome bro
Me: *laughs*... How have you guys been?
Ijeoma: Fine oooo
Chisom: I'm okay, just here..my baby doesn't want to let me sleep
Ifechukwu: I'm good bro
Tayo: I actually wanted to call you this night, my guy but Solomon said he had already spoken to you.
Me: Yeah, it's no problem bro. He told me about the reunion. The money we're to contribute is 10k each, right?
Tayo: Yes bro... everyone said I should give them at least till next Monday to send theirs.
Me: Okay...which account are we sending the money to?? Send it, let me quickly send mine.
Tayo: You want to send the 10k now now??
Me: *smiles*...yes na, is anything wrong??
Frank: Headbbooyyyyyy!!!!
Michael: Guuy, show us the way!!
Blessing: I always knew you had a bright future, Steve. I'm still single though
Me: *laughs out loud*...wetin be this?? you all should stop this abeg...Asif say 10k na money
Ifechukwu: Ahh!! 10k no be money for Stephen side??.. Stevvooo!!!
Me: *laughs out loud*...stop na abeg. Tayo, send the account number please.
Tayo: Alright, thank you so much, bro. You have dollar account abi??
Me: mmm??
Tayo: Dollar account na..
Me: Dollar account for 10,000 naira??
Tayo: No..it's 10,000 dollars, bro...we're doing the reunion in U.S na.

*
2mins later
*headboy left the group*

Me: Guy see as I just dey yawn since morning, no food for house.
Solomon: And person no even get money, chai God
Me: Guy werin we dey do with our life?? What is our plan?? Me, you, Timothy, Modestus and others...wetin be our plan to go forward
Solomon: Omo person wey dey plan na person wey don chop abeg. Like this now, my plan na to chop food fess.
Me: Hmph, I'm too broke guy. Shi Shi no dey my pocket or account. Omo
(Immediately, my sister Theresa walks in crying)
Me: Theresa!!! Why are you crying Who beat you?? What happened??!!!
Theresa: Brother good evening, Brother Solomon, good evening.
Solomon: Good evening, talk to us..what happened!!
Theresa: *sniffs catarrh*... It's Emmanuel, we broke up today.
Me: Hmmm
Solomon: Mtchew
Me: Solo...
Solomon: *looks at me*
Me: Theresa, I thought you guys just finished settling another quarrel last two weeks.
Theresa: *cleans tears*...Yes brother but Emmanuel doesn't love me, what he did to me day before yesterday and today hurt me so much.
Me: You caught him cheating on you?
Theresa: No ooo, he's loyal but the thing is Emma never cares about me, never!! You know day before yesterday was my birthday
Me: Yeah, I wished you happy birthday na..even Solomon and Timothy sef.
Theresa: Exactly, brother!! Exactly!!...canyou believe that Emmanuel did not even call to wish me a happy birthday? Even yesterday, I said I will not call or text him and he didn't even call.
Me: That's not good na, he didn't try at all. As his girlfriend, he's supposed to even be the first person to wish you.
Theresa: Then he came to visit me today after ghosting me for two days. He came with a big teddy bear, smiling and singing happy birthday to me.
Me: Are you sure he truly loves you?? Or does he think it's by bringing teddy bear?? Here na Lee Min Ho country??
Theresa: I was just looking at him until he finished singing the happy birthday song. Then he unzipped the teddy bear's clothes and brought out 10,000 dollars, saying it's my birthday gift.
Solomon: *sits up*
Me: Wow!
Theresa: Before he could continue anything, I collected the money, entered kitchen, poured kerosene and burnt it to ashes, every single thing!! Then I ended things with him. What does Emmanuel take me for Does he think I'm a girl of gifts I want a man that gives me attention and quality time, brother!!! I don't care about gifts, I just want you!! Is that so hard to find brother Brother Solomon, Is love hard this way
Me: 10,000 dollars .....?
Solomon: To ashes
Me: bia theresa from today hence forth i have disown sorry i have disister u..... Idiot

*Goes to ShopRite*
Me: Shey make I still buy this body spray or leave am??
Timothy: Guy see this babe, see this babe!!
Me: Who?
Timothy: That one wey dey struggle to bring down that juice
Me: Guuuuyyyy!!!
Timothy: l sweaarrr!!! The back is backinnggg!!
Me: I dey come
Timothy: *laughs*...Change your ways guy!! We don comot university since 6 years now, but dem no fit separate you and woman.
Me: Woman na joy giver my bro...*laughs and gives him the cart then walks towards the girl*
Me: *easily brings down the juice from the top shelf*
Lady: *smiles and collects the juice*...Thank you. I was actually waiting for my mother to come and help me but she went to get oil from the other side.
Me: You know, why God made me too tall is so that I can be helping you at home bring down Maggi and other ingredients when we get married. Our heights compliment each other.
Lady: *laughs*... Really?
Me: Ahh, see how you look when you laugh. If I'm the one that starts laughing, I'II transform to a horse. I'd have said God is unfair but seems he knows what he did because he knew we'd end up together.
Lady: *laughs out loud*.. God I'm laughing so hard! You're too good. You do know how to make a girl smile.
Me: Well, I wouldn't want to just make you smile here, I'd love to be the reason you smile everyday and the first step to making that happen is having your number on my phone.
Lady: *smiles*...Awwnn, okay...090
Me: Hold on, *smiles and brings out my phone*.. okay, 090...
Lady: *calls out her number for me*
Me: Well I'll give you a call later today.
Lady: *blushes*...I'll wait for you. Call me in the midnight ooo
Me: Oh, I see you're a nightwalker like me
Lady: *smiles*... Yeahhh but that's the time I'm free from my parents cos they'll think I'm reading.
Me: Reading?
Lady: Yeah, they want me to read and pass junior waec since I'm entering ss1 next term. You know how parents are na. You nko, what class are you?
Me:fada lawd which kin wahala be dis nah?

*After sex*
Me: Jesus!! Wow!! *breathing heavily*
Girl: *smiles*...you loved it?
Me: Love? I enjoyed it! God you too sweet!! sorry, not you God...you, Josephina! Ahnahn!!
Girl: *smiles*
Me: I honestly didn't want us to stop! I enjoyed the way you rode me, held my mic, I enjoyed eating you whole!! I honestly didn't think Edo babe sabi this thing like this!!
Girl: *blushes*..oh please, Olaka stop johr
Me: I'm serious I swear! see how you set! see curves! when I was hlttlng from behind I was just admiring yansh. God finish work for where you dey! I don't understand how your ex boyfriend saw all these and still left you!
Girl: You even made me orgasm.. something he never achieved throughout our relationship.
Me: Omo that your ex no get sense ooo..big mumu
Girl: He's a fooI!!
Me: *wears trouser*... well, his loss my gain. Baba doesn't know what he missed and I just enjoyed it!
Girl: He's a big ldlot!!! An animal!!!
Me: Face the air my dear, shout at the air, insult him...he will hear you wherever he is! na mumu!
Girl: Ahh!! *hits hand on bed and gradually starts to cry while shouting*... Ahh Elijah!!!
Me: His name is even Elijah...fear those kain guys ooo, nothing dem sabi
Girl: *bites her finger and cleans tears*... Ahh!! Elijah you thought since you gave me HIV and ran away, I'll be depressed?? Hehe, see me na, another man still finds me attractive and loves me for who I am!
Me: H....H wetin??

*On the day of my matriculation*
Dad: Now that you've entered school, I don't want you to lose focus.
Me: Yes sir
Dad: Bad friends, women, cuItists, bad gangs, night parties, women again..my son, women again!!! Stay away from all these things.
Me: Okay sir
Dad: When I was your age, I was too focused to even notice these things around me. You should be like me, Stephen. Focus on your studies and you'll graduate with 5.0 CGPA like your father.
Me: Okay sir
Dad: I am very intelligent and I know you took after me. Don't just read to pass, read to learn like I did. It'd make you remember all that you were taught in school. There is no question you'll ask me now that I don't know, that's same thing I want from you.
Me: Okay sir.
Dad: Omekannaya!! Like father like son. I trust you
Me: Thank you sir.
{Immediately Jojofalaniwalks towards us with his mic and camera man}
JoJo: Good afternoon, daddy
Dad: Good afternoon
JoJo: Daddy, I just dey go around dey ask random parents questions wey dem go answer.
Dad: Questions?
JoJo: Yes sir, academic questions..so the young generations go see say our fathers and mothers sabi book till now e go con motivate them to also dey serious for school. Na the camera be that.
Dad: That's lovely, same thing I was just telling my son here. I was intelligent during my time and made my father proud, so he should also make me proud.
JoJo: Oh na your pikin be this?
Dad: *smiling proudly*...Yes
JoJo: Okay na, daddy, make I ask the question. Daddy, someone who treats and cares for our eyes is called what?
Dad: Cares for the eye?
JoJo: Yes sir, person wey dey help us recommend glasses we go use see well and also give us medicine so our eyes no go spoil...wetin dem dey call am?
Dad: *laughs proudly*... An Optimist
Me:
Camera man:
JoJo: Optimist na doctor for eye?
Dad: *smiles*..Yes
JoJo: Daddy, chop knuckle
Dad: *chops knuckle proudly*... because I don't look intelligent, doesn't mean I'm not intelligent.
JoJo: Naso daddy, you too sabi. *Looks at me*...Na your papa be this abi?
Me: noo.... Me i be orphan

So this evening I returned from work and realized that our bedroom bulb stopped working. My wife was not home. So I decided to replace them.
When I got to the shop, I discovered that the white bulbs had added price. They were now sold for six hundred naira. I am not a fan of yellow bulbs. So I asked him to give me red bulbs instead. Those ones were sold for hundred and fifty naira. Since it was the bedroom, I wouldn't have any problem with it.
I returned and fixed the bulb and everywhere was looking red. It was just like a clubhouse, or bear parlor.
Then it struck me.
I decided to play a trick on my wife. I lighted candles in the bedroom. We had some old ones in the cupboard. So I formed a circle on the floor with them. I picked a fowl from the poultry behind the house and tied its legs. I placed it in the center of the candle.
Our bedroom was now looking like a shrine. The red bulbs made the whole scene even more colorful.
When I heard my wife's voice, I hid in the toilet and peeped through the keyhole.
My wife opened the door and walked in. She saw the red room. She saw the lighted candles. She saw the chicken. She dropped her bag on the bed. Picked some things from her box which I did not see and walked out.
This woman was not even scared. She did not even call my name to know where I was. I decided to make things scary. So I tied a red towel on my waist and ran back to the bathroom.
After hiding in the bedroom for a while without seeing my wife, I stepped out of the bathroom to search for her. That was when my wife was also entering the bedroom.
I quickly shut my eyes and started screaming.
"Alaganja Alaboma."
My hands were lifted high up like a ritualist.
My wife did not reply. I knew she was looking at me.
So I screamed even louder.
"Alaganja Alabomaaaa! King of darkness."
My wife did not even call my name.
I started wondering what she could be doing. I opened my eyes and saw my wife's hair covering her face. The red bulbs had turned her hair red. She was tying a black wrapper and holding two knives in her hands.
She was doing like a fish.
My heart skipped seven times.
Fear gripped me.
"Sankilabama!" She shouted.
"Wait honey, which one is Sankilabama? What are you doing with knife first?"
My wife started walking slowly towards me.
"Sankilabamaaa!O Goddess of the sea." She shouted again.
Just then, the rumbling of thunder sounded. The wind started blowing our curtains.
"Jesus! Honey stop this joke na. Which one is this one again? Small Joke I am playing with you, this is how you will be doing."
My wife did not answer. She kept walking slowly with the knives.
"Honey I will pour you hot water o. Stop this thing na. Please. I beg you in the name of Jesus."
"Sankilabamaaaaaa!" She shouted louder.
Nepa took light.
I started screaming and shouting in the bedroom. I was running and jumping close to the wall.
Then the light turned on.
The door opened. My neighbor's wife walked in laughing. My wife started laughing too.
It occurred to me that she was the one controlling the switch from outside.
Sweat covered my face.
I was holding curtain behind the open window.
"Oga Olaka"
"Mama Titus."
"So you the fear like this na im you wan come make your wife fear?"
"Mama Titus, na small Joke I say make I play with her. Na im she go carry knife."
"Praises I want to show you that I pass you in everything." My wife laughed.
"See let me tell you. It is these two knife that you carried o. If not for the knife you think I will shout?"
They all laughed.
I carried the fowl back to its poultry feeling defeated. She has not seen the last of me. I shall be back with another.
I just need better planning and a better trick.

I will not forget what happened with my first girlfriend
My girlfriend always complain that I don't satisfy her in bed
I'm not a sex freak, I can go 20 minutes, 33 minutes max
I'm this detailed because I always time myself ever since she started complaining that I don't last in bed
She began by masturbating immediately after I cum so she can cum too. It was very embarrassing.
Next, she started comparing me with her ex'es, telling me how her friend's boyfriends last hours in bed, labeling me a 1 minute man.
No man wants to be compared to his lovers ex especially over his sex life. That's the worst thing you can do to a man, make him feel like he's not enough down there.
One day, she left her phone unlocked and out of curiosity I snooped
That was my biggest mistake
I read how she was telling her married ex that she misses him and his co*k, that no man has been able to match his prowess in bed and she wished he could take her and ravish her one more time
I was shocked
My first instinct was to hit her and push her out of my house and life like the ho* she is, but shame and the thought of her telling her friends and mine that I'm not good in bed or I'm a one minute man made me humble.
I dropped her phone and pretended like I didn't see anything
Immediately I called Yusuf
Yusuf is my gee. He's the baddest guy in the neighborhood. The kind of friend parents warned their sons not to be friends with and their daughters to avoid like a plague. A very bad influence and my best friend.
Yusuf was at my place in minutes
He gave me a concoction to drink.
Raw garlic mixed with banana, milk, groundnut and dates and some aboki herbs mixed with weed
He smiled and left
But fruits and weed didn't made me feel safe enough. I needed something strong to teach my girlfriend a lesson and dump her. I wanted her to suffer, so I went to the chemist near my house and talked to the guy there.
He told me about viagra, cialis, tramadol and agbojedi and asked which one I wanted, I asked for all. He screamed and asked if I wanted to kee someone's daughter.
I took all and left.
I went home and quickly took the weed, garlic, banana, milk, groundnut and dates solution and called my sexfreak girlfriend
Then I brought out all the pills and took all at once against the chemists prescription then I washed it down with agbojedi
In seconds I was sweating and my pen#s stood up like a military general. I had an erection like a horse and I felt like penising someone's daughter and breaking her waist. At that moment, if my erection hit someone's head it'll break the head.
My girlfriend entered and without wasting time I rushed her and carried her from the door and ran to the bedroom while she giggled and laughed like a hyena.
I threw her on the bed and in seconds we were naked.
I didn't even bother with kissing or handling her breasts. I just spread her legs wide and lowered my head between her legs
I needed her wet and dripping, so I brought my A-game.
I sucked and licked her between the thighs till she was trashing her legs and biting her lips in ecstasy
Then I climbed ontop her and inserted my fully erect 6 inches inside her and watched her eyes open wide with excitement and surprise.
Then I started pumping her up and down, left and right, front and back, sideways and all ways. By jove I fuc*k*d the living daylight out of her.
I was a sex machine. I did all the styles known to man. I hung her legs up and we did scissors, spooning, 69, non-penetrativemissionary, cowgirl, doggy, butterfly, Countertop, Soap ‘n Grope.
She kept screaming and shouting, "Oh daddy, Fu**k me daddy, tear it, destro.y it, Oh yes, yes, I'm cumming, should I cum, shoulaaaa, ooohhhaaaa ooohhh ooosshhh, Ooh la la. She moaned and cried in pleasure, and for the first time in our relationship she came before me.
1 hour later, and I was just getting started. I was still pumping her.
2 hours later, she started crying, and begging me to stop. The more she begged and cried, the harder I got and thrusted her even more.
3 hours later I finally came, roaring like a lion as I held the bed and squeezed my eyes shut. My goodness, the feeling... I had never felt like this in my entire life.
Quickly, in a flash, she pushed me, screaming and jumping out of the bed like she was being chased by demons. Then she ran to the sitting room with her clothes and I started laughing at the sight of her running away like a criminal.
I laughed and laughed, then after a few minutes, I was still hard so I decided to go and get her again for round two.
Today, she will know who's the boss, and by the time I'm done with her, I'll break up with her and let her know I know she's a ho* and she can go back to her married ex!
I got up and went to the sitting room, she was crying and shaking, and putting on her clothes, her hands were shaking and her legs too, infact she fell while putting on her clothes then she started peeping out the window maybe to know if the neighbors heard her screaming
'Baby, what's wrong with you,won't you come for round 2?' I teased while stroking my erect co*k
She ignored me like I wasn't there and very nearly bumbed into me, all the while acting like I was invisible. She went instead to the door, opened it, peeped left and right again and literally ran outside in lightning speed.
I laughed out loud again and then decided to call any available babe to come over, and as I walked back to my room to get my phone, I saw a shadow on my bed
Someone was sleeping on my bed
The hairs on my body stood and I had goosebumps all over
I walked slowly in fear and looked again at the shadow on the bed, it was indeed a naked man with a fully erect pen*s sleeping on my...
Oh my God...
What's this, it was not just a naked man?..
It was me!!!
I turned and looked in the mirror and saw nothing.
I screamed and disappeared

_______JOB INTERVIEW V
INTERVIEWER: So Mr Olaka Uka, I have read through your qualifications and i must say they are really impressive.
Olaka: Thank you sir!
INTERVIEWER: But your personal profile is what I'm yet to understand...
Olaka: What's the problem sir?
INTERVIEWER: AGE, you wrote "under 40"
Olaka:
INTERVIEWER: Is it that you don't know your age or what?
Olaka: I will recheck my birth certificate when I get home.
INTERVIEWER: LIKES, you wrote "Stolen chicken"
Olaka:
INTERVIEWER: DISLIKES, you wrote "My Landlord"
Olaka:
INTERVIEWER: HOBBIES, you wrote "Vawulence"
Olaka:
INTERVIEWER: Do you really want this job?
Olaka : Yes sir... I want this job!
INTERVIEWER: Hmmmm. The gender section of your profile is the worse, you were just answering rubbish!
Olaka : How do you mean sir?
INTERVIEWER: What is your sex?
Olaka: Sex is when a man and a woman remove their...
INTERVIEWER: I didn't say you should define, I said what is your sex as a human being?
Olaka: okay, Male.
INTERVIEWER: So why did you write "Missionary"?
Olaka : hia village people abeg nau

_____________INTHE CELL
***
PRISONER 1: Guy, wetin carry you come here?
PRISONER 2: Omo! na long story
PRISONER 1: Wetin happen?
PRISONER 2: I go smoke Igbo for the first time o
PRISONER 1: Igbo? so wetin come later happen?
PRISONER 2: I no know when I run enter station come begin twerk for officers o
PRISONER 1: So you no see bank or market? na inside police station you go dey twerk?
PRISONER 2: Na so my brother. Na so I take twerk enter cell o
PRISONER 1: Hmmm
PRISONER 2: You wetin carry you come here?
PRISONER 1: Omo na sh!t o
PRISONER 2: Sh!t?
PRISONER 1: Our soakaway been full since two weeks ago so I come begin sh!t for nylon come dey fling am throway for the next compound...
PRISONER 2: Wait, you do wetin? bros you get conscience at all? so wetin come later happen?
PRISONER 1: I don fling am successfully for like three days, not knowing say na DPO zinc the thing dey land.
PRISONER 2: You mean dis thing?
PRISONER 1: The fourth day own wey I fling, the sh!t go land ontop DPO motor. Na so DPO carry the sh!t for hand begin trace me come my house.
PRISONER 2: Wetin him do you?
PRISONER 1: The man use vex flog the sh!t for my head o, come begin beat me. After him beat me finish, him come give me ladder to take climb go remove all the sh!t wey hang for him roof... but as I climb reach up I come discover say na like 30 different nylon of sh!t dey there...
PRISONER 2: That means no be only you dey fling am
PRISONER 1: Exactly!
PRISONER 2: But you for tell am say no be only your sh!t dey there na
PRISONER 1: Omo I tell am o, but the man vex begin beat me again. Na so I take land here o
PRISONER 2: Hmmm Nawa for you o
PRISONER 1: Guy, you know wetin pain me pass?
PRISONER 2: Wetin?
PRISONER 1: Where I dey busy dey park the sh!t, na so another fresh sh!t from nowhere come land for the roof...
PRISONER 2: Chai
PRISONER 1: DPO say I go rot inside here

*AGBERO WIFE*
Women can hide their true characters from you for years and you won't find out anything except what they are showing you.
When I was dating Dorcas', she was all meek, soft and tender like someone who can't hurt a fly.
The day I went for introduction with my family to my inlaws house to ask for their daughters hand in marriage, as tradition demands.
I was sitting with my family and in-laws too in their parlor when I spotted through the door someone who looks exactly like my fiancee pounding akpu outside.
I thought it was my fiancee's elder brother manifesting strength with such heavy blows and pounds in a big mortar filled with akpu.
But this person looks so much like my fiancee, same hairstyle. I was confused between the facial resemblance and strength that was used to pound akpu.
No, my Dorcas' can not be violently and aggressively pounding akpu like a bouncer in that manner. So I tapped my father inlaw-to-be and asked him, Daddy is that your son pounding akpu outside?
Father inlaw said "Noooo my son, that's my daughter, your wife to be. You don't recognize her again?"
I shocked, swallowed saliva and my jaw dropped.
"It's a lie." My eyes opened and i could feel my heart shifting to my neck.
"No, that's your wife to be." My mother in law added and I stared at her in disbelief.
I looked at my mother, my mother looked at me, my uncles who came with me that day- they all looked at each other before looking back at me again. Everybody was just looking.
I didn't say anything further and we continued with what we were discussing earlier concerning the matter that brought me to my inlaws place.
We were still talking when I looked outside again and saw somebody chasing a male fowl with bare feets. I didn't see the face of the person but i was hoping it wasn't who I was thinking.
But I stood up from my seat to take a closer look and guess what, my Dorcas' was the person chasing that fowl. When I thought it was a boy, my future wife was chasing fowl with all seriousness and stamina.
She chased a local fowl and caught it single handedly-on her own oh. Something I can't even do.
I turned back and looked at my mom and uncles again, they looked back at me without saying anything.
Even one of my uncles said "its well."
A week after we got married, nepa came to cut our light prior to accumulated bills of two months, while my wife and i were out of town for our honeymoon somewhere in Abuja- our neighbor called and told me about it.
A week later, we were back home to begin our lives as a new couple. My wife noticed we were the only occupants on our street without light.
Immediately, she walked straight to the electricity pole and climbed up to fix our light.
And guess what, she climbed the pole withoutt using ladder. And guess what again, she didn't use plier- she used her teeth to cut and join nepa wire and electricity was restored back to the house again.
River s people gave me an agbero as a wife

HOW OMAH LAY WRITE HIS LYRICS
Omah Lay: Baby please talk to me, why? What's going on? Why do you want us to stop all of a sudden??
Jennifer: Stanley I've said it already, I'm just not feeling it again. I'm not feeling you, I'm not feeling us. Our relationship doesn't have that spark it did in the beginning.
Omah Lay: I understand babe, I understand but we can work things out. There are stages like this in a relationship, I read about it. I know how we can fix it.
Jennifer: You just don't get it, Stanley. It's over!! O.V.E.R, over!! Between us. This is the best solution right now.
Omah Lay: B...but I love you, Jennifer.. please *almost crying*
Jennifer: *opens door*... I know, but the love I have for you isn't just there anymore. Take care, Stanley. *Closes door*
Omah Lay: *collapse on the chair*...Ahh
{Two weeks later, Omah lay's friend, Terry visits him}
Terry: Guuuyy!! Hwfa!! See as you don thin!! Omo, na still because of Jennifer??
Omah Lay: *sips Hennessy*
Terry: Omo, guy that girl was a bad influence to you!! You gats comot mind from am. Do something else oga!!
Omah Lay: Mtchew
Terry: You know what??...*brings pen and book*...take, you be bad ass musician guy!! Who no sabi Omah Lay!! Stanley didia!! I feel say wetin go make you comot mind from this girl matter na to think of song to write. Any happy song abeg.
Omah Lay: Hmmm
Terry: Just try am, imagine say you dey honeymoon with fine babe, oya write my guy. Comot mind from Jennifer jare, she no worth am. As you dey write, dey sing so I go dey give you beat for the song.
Omah Lay: Hmmm...*collects the pen and book*
Terry: Oya
Omah Lay: *starts writing*...I'm rolling on your wheel now...
Terry: Maaadddd...naso!!
Omah Lay: *sniffs catarrh*......I'm drinking Hennessy now, I hope you see now...
Terry: Wait who? Why you dey sniff catarrh?? Na tears I dey see so?....*removesthe dark shades eye glass Omah Lay is wearing*... Guuuy!! Why you dey cry
Omah Lay:See you don burst my eye glass...
Terry: N...na mistake bro
Omah Lay:You don scatter my plans, See my eye I don prass, You put me for ambulance, See what you made me bltch, See what you made me be, See what you did to me, God save me please...... *Sniffs catarrh*
Terry: Na me you dey follow talk abi na Jennifer you dey talk about??
Omah Lay:....Cause the doctor said I burnt my liver, I've been drinking, Smoking cigars used to sing and play my guitar, Now I'm lost in this sambisa aaahh aaahh aaahh ...*Sniffs catarrh and clean tears*...Everything I do am, Everything way you talk I do am, Everything way you ask I do am...
Terry: Guy e don do e don do!!! Tears don wet the book finish, abeg!!...*quickly collects the book and pen from Omah Lay*
Omah Lay: *continues playing guitar*...See you don burst my eye glass...You don scatter my plans, See my eye I don prass, You put me for ambulance, See what you made me bltch, See what you made me be, See what you did to me, God save me please...
Terry: Omo God go save you guy, e don do, gimme the guitar.
Omah Lay: *cleans tears*... How the s...song dey?
Terry: E no make sense guy! I don tell you say make you forget this girl matter. We go redo another one later
Omah Lay: No, upload this one
Terry: Ehn?
Omah Lay: Upload am, make she hear am...make her conscience judge am. *sniffs catarrh*
Terry: Hmph...oya na, na you get song.
{2 years later}
Terry: Number 1!!! Omo!! My guy just go UK con fresh!! Omah Lay!! My number 1!!!
Omah Lay: *smiles*...my guy, hwfa
Terry: I dey as you take leave me o...you just dey give us back to back hits. You don even cut your dreads, bad guy
Omah Lay: *smiles*...nasona
Terry: How Sophia na?? She no follow you come?
Omah Lay: She dey fine...she break up with me last month
Terry: Omoooo, guy I'm sorry...and na just 5 months ago, you and Benita break up abi?? You con see Sophia con dey joke say she go take away the pains wey Benita give you
Omah Lay: you don see am na...*laughs sadly*
Terry: Na why you never drop song since be this?
Omah Lay: Yeah but I don come back now, e get one song wey I recently write. Na my beat producer, Big D, be this, I go release am soon.
Terry: Oh, nice nice...make I hear am
Omah Lay: Alright. Big D, abeg play the beat for that Soso song.
Big D: Alright boss....*startsplaying the song beat*
Soso take my pain away, Soso take my pain away...
Terry: *claps hand, 1..2*... Guuuuyyy, Omo!! *dances and claps hand again, 1...2*
Omah Lay:shibiri, shibiri, uh...They are talkin' shi-shibiri....Water no get enemy...'Til you fall for Oshimiri..
Terry: Word!! *claps hand, 1...2*
Omah Lay:I poto, poto my eyes, Ten shots, high rise, Touch God, I cry, Offshore, cut my Dreadlocks
Terry: *stops dancing*
Omah Lay:Girlie, me I don pray, maami.. I don break, commandment
Terry: Ahh God!! Mtchew
Omah Lay:Come and ginger me, Only you dey feel my pains...Give me vitamins wey go take these pains away...Soso, oh, Soso, Soso take my pains away...

WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF THE PRODIGAL SON SQUANDERED HIS MONEY IN THIS MODERN TIME
{The prodigal son cleaning the pigs body, then his master's friend, chukwuma visits}
His master: Ahh! Ahh Ahh!! Are my eyes seeing clearly??...Odogwu, kedu.. this one you visited me today hope all is well?
Chukwuma: *laughs*...is it a crime for me to come and see my own friend, ehn Nna? I came to check up on you
His master: It's not a crime ooo but you know it's been more than 5 months you came to my house, so don't blame me. *Laughs*
Chukwuma: You like trouble...*laughs out loud* How are you na, nna?
His master: I'm fine ooo, just here trying to make money as usual.
Prodigal son: *still cleaning pig*...good afternoon sir
Chukwuma: Yeah, hello. Good afternoon. *turns to his friend*...Nna, that person looks familiar, who's he?
His master: *laughs*..mtchew. Do you remember that boy that came to our town some months ago.
Chukwuma: No
His master: That boy that had big money na...that was even richer than us. That one that dashed Mazi chima 200 thousand
Chukwuma: Oh oh oh .... Ookkkaayyy!!! Jesus!! What happened!
His master: Village people...*laughs out loud*. The small boy spent all his money on drinks, food and women. When he lost everything, he decided to come and work for me here in my pig farm.
Chukwuma: Ahh!! Why didn't he just go back home??
His master: I told him same thing but he said he's scared of going back to his father. The money he was spending was actually his inheritance that he used force to collect from his father. Now he has finished everything and Bobo doesn't know how to face his daddy.
Chukwuma: Ahh...this is too sad. Nna ehn, children of nowadays!!
Prodigal son: *walks out of the pig sty and towards chukwuma and the master*... Good evening sirs, Oga I don finish.
Chukwuma: Nna, how are you??
Prodigal son: I'm fine sir
Chukwuma: How are youu?
Prodigal son: I'm getting fine sir?
Chukwuma: How are youuu?
Prodigal son: I'm fine sir
Chukwuma: You are a bad boy
Prodigal son:
Chukwuma: You are a very bad boy!!
Prodigal son:
Chukwuma: My friend here told me why you don't want to go back home to see your father. What is your name?
Prodigal son: R...Romanus sir
Chukwuma: Have you heard of Happivibe Services?
Prodigal son: No sir
Chukwuma: It's my company, I built it myself. A calling service company. We help people make calls to their loved ones, partners, relatives and whoever they want. We wish happy birthdays, make apology calls, love calls and so on at an affordable rate...the basic call is 1k...the premium call is 3k and the exclusive call is 5k. I make the exclusive calls myself.
Prodigal son:
Chukwuma: Why am I telling you this?? I want to reconcile you with your father. I will help you call him and talk to him this night...for free
Prodigal son: Thank you sir...thank you so much sir *drops pig sponge and bucket, falls down and starts crying*
Chukwuma: It's okay it's okay...stand up please. I just need his phone number, name and small details about what he likes. Once I'm done with the call, I'll get back to you.
Prodigal son: Thank you so much sir. God bless you
Chukwuma: Amen, God bless happivibe too, nna. God bless happivibe.
{Days later after chukwuma made the happivibe call to the prodigal son's father, chukwuma takes the prodigal son back home}
Prodigal son: *crying*...D...daddy
His father: Romanus?...nwa m
Prodigal son: Daddy I'm sorry...*sniffscatarrh and still crying*
His father: *runs and hugs him*...it's okay Roma, it's okay... Happivibe has told me everything already. You should have come back home na!!
Prodigal son: *cries on his father's shoulder*...daddy I missed you. *Sniffs catarrh*
His father: I missed you too, Romanus...*still hugging him*... Chu, thank you. God bless you, thank you so much.
Chukwuma: It's okay sir, it's my pleasure. I have to leave now. I'll visit some other time. *His phone rings*
Jonah: Hello?
Chukwuma: Yeah, hello?
Jonah: Am I speaking with chukwuma from happivibe services?
Chukwuma: yes sir
Jonah: Okay, my name is Jonah. Abeg I want make you help me call God...tell am say I no wan go Nineveh na, I no do again. I no want, Ahh...na by force?? How much for the call abeg?
Chukwuma: ogun punish u ijiot

Yesterday I boarded a vehicle going to town.
I sat in front and spread my arms wide.
The driver didn't inform me that he would carry two people in front, so when we got to shoprite junction he stopped to call someone.
"Oga shift, na two I Dey carry for front." the driver said.
"Oga pilot, you no tell me this thing, I no dey shift." I responded.
"Oga shift, I no dey like rough play, everybody know as country be now, shift shift, shift abeg or I shift you." He said.
"Oga calm down, shift me as how. No worry I go pay for two seat." I had forgotten transport fare was now 500.
Mumu me.
"Everybody hear you now o. Make you no do anyhow o." He put the gear in drive and zoomed off.
I balanced properly and put in my earpiece and started enjoyingwho's your guy? Na only me walahi, see as we dey like beans and riceI was thinking of Dorcas.
I didn't know when we got to the junction.
I was still nodding my head and bubbling.
"Oga where your money?" he asked me.
I checked my pocket and that was when it dawned on me that there was no money there. I checked my other pockets.
I got out of the car, then I didn't find my wallet.
This is not good o, what can I do, what can I do?
"Oga can I do transfer to you?"
He called his account number, I sent the money, Zenith bank reversed it immediately.
They have caught me o.. Chai.
I am following the man to his house to wash his car and wash plates
which kin wahala be dis

About two years ago something happened to my friend emeka
He got bliñd misteriously with out any explanation to the cause of the bliñdness
Today our neigbhour's wife was taking a showerwhen she
heard a knock on her door. "who is it?" she asked.
"It's me Emeka," my friend answered .
"Oh im coming, wait a second." she replied.
she wrapped a towel around her then openned the door,
Since Emeka is a blind neighbour, so she didn't cover herself very well,
she was nàked,she sat on the couch applying lotion.
"So, what made you visit me today? it's been a long time since i saw you, like two years ago." she said.
"well, i wanted to invite you to my party." said Emeka
"oh,what party!?" she asked
"I went for an eye operation and now I can see clearly."Said Emeka .
"Nice body,by the way

I like ur bwess
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*Me and Solomon living together*
{Me alone in the parlour, then Solomon comes back home}
Me: Bro, hwfa...see when you dey come back house
Solomon: Mtchew...*flings nylon on the bed and sits down*
Me: Baba wetin happen? Why your face dey like this?
Solomon: Mtchew, oga leave me
Me: Which one be leave you?? You carry bad mood enter house, I dey ask wetin happen, you say make I leave you. Talk johr
Solomon: You no go understand bro. Food dey?
Me: Food? Food dey when you comot??...*checks nylon*... We no get food for house, you go dey buy soap. Shey you wan baff the hunger comot?
Solomon: Hmph...guy this money issue don tire me. Mtchew. See as we big reach, we no get even garri to drink for house. Omo!!...*Lies down on the bed*
Me: Oga talk to me na.. na wetin make your mood dey like this?? I think say you comot go find work?? Gist me na
Solomon: I wan sleep bro...later
Me: Solomon!! Solomon!! Solo!!
Solomon: *sleeps off*
Me: Ohhh...na like this abi??...no wahala, carry on...*lies down on my own side of the bed*
{Next morning}
Me: *wakes up*...Ahh, Solomon don wake up comot already. He no even wake me or tell person say he dey comot. No wahala...make me sef comot my own.
*Enters bathroom to bath*
Me: e good as he even buy soap sef, at least make person dey smell nice as hunger dey wlre am....*hangs towel and starts bathing*
{My phone rings twice, no answer...then WhatsApp message enters}
Me: *still bathing*...Omo who dey disturb me like this??...*stopsbathing and opens WhatsApp message*
*WhatsApp message*...Solomon: Bro, sorry for how I take treat you yesterday night. Many things just dey my head, I dey really sorry bro. This no money issue don too much my guy. That yesterday wey I comot go work, no be work I go. Timothy carry me go meet one Baba like that for Osun. The Baba gimme soap say make I use am baff, if I baff finish l go run mad forever but my family no go lack money. Na the soap I carry come back so con dey think about am like that.
Omo this morning, I finally decide not to baff with am again. If we wan make this money, we go make am in a Godly way, no be for person to baff with soap con run mad. Who go con chop the money?

Me: jesussssss
*
abeg if u see any new mad man for una street nah me o

*In my Secondary school ex class mates WhatsApp group chat*
Lanre: Merry Christmas everyone
Micheal: Happy Christmas guys
Me: Same to you
Kingsley: Guys, I've been thinking... It's been over 10years now we saw each other last. What do you think about us seeing tomorrow?
Evans: 26th right? E go make sense
Yemi: Yes, at least let's reunite and Celebrate Christmas. e don tey wey I see all of una
Lanre: eeishh.. I wish I could come but I'm taking my wife and kids out and I'd be using our car.
Uche: It's no problem, I'm currently not in Lagos but I'd fly down from Abuja. We really need to see each other.
Me:
Esther: Awwnn, it's lovely. I would have gone out with my boo yesterday. we planned on going to see my parents but it won't be bad if I post pone it just to see how you guys are doing. 10years is not 10 days.
Jude: Esther don turn big girl na... always snapping in front of mirror with her iPhone 11 pro.
Chisom: She's not the only one o...have you seen Kingsley's Instagram? Kingsley is over fresh and always posing with his cars.
Kingsley: hahaha....I plan to even use one and come to the reunion tomorrow.
Me:
Collins: You guys don't know how amazing this is. We'd meet and talk about our progress and failures in life.
Evans: Sorry I haven't said anything since, I have an appointment with my car dealer tomorrow...there's this car my mother says she likes. But then, I've been calling him to reschedule our meeting to Monday, let me hangout with my guys and chill.
Kingsley: If possible sef, we can all book our flights separately and come down to Abuja and have fun at Relax and Chill.
Me:
Ijeoma: Yeah! that won't be a bad idea at all...I agree.
Yemi: I agree too...we'd chill in both lag and Abj. Hold on guys, our head boy hasn't said anything. Stephen, where do you think will be better? Lagos, Abuja or Both?
Me: I won't be available tomorrow o... tomorrow is Sunday, I'm going to church to praise God for life.

LETTER TO MY LANDLORD
Dear Able Landlord, It's me victor, the tenant you gave double quit notice the other day. I don finally pack. Yes! I pack today. But e get small confessions wey I wan yarn you laidis:
1. Ireti your daughter don get belle! Yes you read that right, and na me give am belle... no vex!. The way e happen sef I no fit explain, e even shock her sef... we no plan am like dis. You be my fellow man and I hope you understand say na accidental discharge... e fit happen to anybody, but I promise say e no go happen again. I for like be ur son-in-law but you're a bad man. Yes!
2. Bingo your dog no lost, na chop we chop am!
I know say dis one go shock you pass bcoz we follow you search for am. No be only me chop bingo, we dey three. Me, your caretaker and one other hausa man. Oga LandLord, bingo sweet die!... I use am cook soup, cook rice, cook stew, even use am cook beans. Omo! the dog get natural oil for body... And i know say you go dey plan to lay curse on me, the curse no go work, bcoz I pray before I chop am. I know say I bad, but you see that your caretaker? na evil man. Him get liver collect the lion share despite say na me bring up the idea... can you imagine?
3. Oga Landlord, I know say when you
return from your journey you go dey find your keke. The thing be say I sell am dis morning. Money bin no too dey my hand and I suppose settle one or two agent for this new compound I wan park into, no too reason am.
The iron condemn man bin dey price am 25k but I say nooo. How I go sell Keke wey still dey in good condition for 25k? e no good na.
So Las Las I come add ur wheelbarrow make everything be round figure. So the iron condemn man come later pay me 30k for everything. Na the money I use transport myself, and na from there I go take cook soup when I reach.
I drop 2k under your door mat, so when you come you carry am hold body. E no good say I sell your property without dropping something, my conscience no go allow me rest.

*Approaches a girl in a bar*
Me: Hey beautiful
Girl: *smiles*... Hello handsome
Me: I've been watching you for a while and I couldn't get my eyes off you, my name is Stephen Joel
Girl: *smiles harder*... Awwnn, is that's so?
Me: Yeah...what do you say I buy you a drink and we get to know each other, better
Girl: I don't mind
Me: waiter!! two moet chedon please...
Girl: Ohhh, I love your taste
Me: *smiles*....areyou single?
Girl: Fortunately, yes...and I'm fortunate cos I've met you now.
Me: *smiles harder*...na me dey toast you, na me dey blush
Girl: Awwwnnn...you beautiful boy
Me: *smiles and blush*
Girl: *rubs my cheek*
* Random guy walks in with his friend*
Guy: Cassandra, so this is what you've been doing behind my back??!!
Friend: Bro, calm down, calm down abeg
Me:
Girl: Ebube I've told you times without number, stop disturbing me!! stop it!!
Me: Babe, who's he??
Girl: He's my ex ooo...my ex that I left cos of how dirty he was and how he always treats me.
Me: Hmmmm
Guy: *tries to touch her*.. Cassandra, pl....
Me: *holds his hand*... Bro, please leave her alone...as you can see, she doesn't want to be disturbed
Guy: Chai God...you touched me??
Friend: Ahh
Me: l hate seeing men treating ladies this way, you're supposed to do better bro
Friend: Yeeeeeee!!!
Guy: Brroooooooo!!! comot for here, make I speak to my woman!!!
Me: She's not safe around you bro, how do you expect me to leave her alone
Girl: You know what, Ebube just leave! please leave!!
Guy: *still standing and looking at her*
Me: *pushes him*.... please leave bro, you heard her. She's beginning to feel uncomfortable.
Friend: Bro abeg, abeg make we dey go... free the barnie
Guy: My guy, call your mama today, tell am say you love am cos I promise you, you no go reach house today!!!...*leaves with his friend*
Me: It's this kind of life and baseless threats that made her leave you, bro. you're supposed to do better...I hope you will.
Girl: Goooooodd!!! that guy irritates me!!
Me: It's okay dear, it's okay...there are people like that
Girl: I know he loves me so much but I don't like the fact that he's in cult. Does he expect me to take a cult person home to see my dad??
Me: mmm??
Girl: Always wearing his black berret and yellow tie..any small thing, his guys will start hailing him 001, seven star general!!! Lord of the seven seas and other nonsense like that. Gosh!!!
Me (runs after the guy) broda broda abeg no vex nah play oo