WHEN GOD SENDS HIS ANGELS TO BE WITH PASTORS
God: Micheal, you'll go and stay with Pastor James Green. Hold his blessings for two months, before you give it to him and the members of his church.
Angel Micheal: Bless you, almighty.
God: Kapal, you'll go down to Pastor Daniel Olukoya and stay with him. Hold his bl...
Angel Kapal: Ehn?? Please my Lord..change me! please. You can give me any other person except Olukoya, abeg father.
God: Why is everyone running from Pastor Olukoya?? I tried giving him to Gabriel, but Gabriel rejected and is currently with St. Andrew's Catholic Church.
Angel Kapal: Ahh!! Gabriel get sense!!! Please my Lord, please... I d..
God: I have spoken!!!! My word is final! You will hold his blessings for seven months, before giving it to him and the members of his church.
Angel Kapal: Chai, na that hold blessings own I dey dodge. *wipes tears*... Yes my Lord, Bless you almighty.
God: It's okay...you all may go now.
******
At Pastor James Green's Church in America
Pastor Green: Brethren, let's bow down our heads and pray to the almighty Jehovah. He is the king of Kings and Lord of Lords. Call him those names you know him with. Praise his name and your blessings will come to you through our guardian angel, Amen.
Angel Micheal: *sitting on church window and fanning himself with the heavenly handfan*... Peace and quiet, everywhere.
****
At St. Andrew's Catholic Church
Reverend Father: Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world, hear us O Lord. Glory be to the father, to the son and to the Holy Spirit...As it was in the beginning, now and forever more, Amen. Lord my God, send your angel to bless us in due time, Amen.
Angel Gabriel: This church too dey give me joy... I too like this church, thank you Father. *flaps wings, shakes his leg and continue smiling*
God: You're welcome, Gabriel. I wonder why Kapal was scared to go down to Olukoya's ministry. Let me see how he's doing.
****
At Mountain of Fire ministry in Osogbo
Pastor Olukoya: YOU PEOPLE ARE NOT PRAYING OOO!!!! I SAID MY FATHER!!!! MY FATHER!!!!!
Members: MY FATHER!!! MY FATHER!!!
Pastor Olukoya: ANYBODY HOLDING MY BLESSINGS!!!!!
Members: ANYBODY HOLDING MY BLESSINGS!!!!!
God: Ahhh
Pastor Olukoya: BE IT MAN OR WOMAN, ANGEL OR DEVIL, LET THAT PERSON DlE BY FIIRRRRRREEEE!!!!!!!
Members: DlE BY FIIRRRRRREEEE!!!!
Pastor Olukoya: I SAID RELEASE MY BLESSINGS AND DlE BY FIRRREEEYAYAYAYAYAYA!!!!!
Angel Kapal: oh lord . Into ur hands i put my soul

*Me and babe preparing to go on a date*
Babe: Dear, I'm confused on what to wear...do you think this red gown will fit me better or the black one?
Me: I love the black one, it'd look so perfect on you. I'm already imagining it, God! you're so beautiful!
Babe: Hmmm...but it's the red one I like better sha. Is it not okay?
Me: That one sef will look beautiful on you just like the black one but I love the black one more.
Babe: It's the red one I want to wear though
Me: Okay babe, you're still gorgeous regardless. Mehn! I'm proud you're mine.
Babe: Hmmm...but you already like the black one more than the red one na. If I wear this red one now, my color will shine brighter and it'll match with my bag.
Me: You were the one who asked me to choose one na...oya just wear anyo...
Babe: You know what?? I'll wear the black one since you prefer it. Although I won't be happy in it.. *sniffs catarrh and walks back inside*
Me: Babe!! Babe!! Babe wait! you're getting me wrong!!
Babe: *ignores me and bangs the door*
{15 minutes later}
Babe: *walks out in the red gown*.. Babe, do you think I should pack my hair or leave it to fall on my shoulders??
Me: You later wore the red gown, I thought you said you'd wear the black one?... See how beautiful you look!! My God!!
Babe: *stops smiling*... You want me to remove this one and wear the black one??
Me: Am l mad Don't please. This one is even far better than the black one
Babe: You seee... I told you!!
Me: *smiles frustratingly*
Babe: So hun, my hair...packed or leave it long??
Me: Leave it long... You're perfect that way! Nna ehn! You're so beautiful!!
Babe: I don't like it long johr... there's this style of packing I want to do...trust me, you'd love it. I tried it inside the room and I couldn't stop staring at myself.
Me: Okay babe...long or packed, it won't still affect your beauty.
Babe: I just finished telling you how the packed one makes me look prettier but you still want it long...God!! Men!!
Me: Ahh!! But baby how?? I said long and you said you want it packed. I told you no wahala, you're still beautiful either way and now you're shouting. If you've already made your choice, why are you still asking me na??
Babe: Cos you're my husband and I want your opinion!! is it that hard??!
Me: I am giving you my opinion na and you're shouting... abi make I no answer you chai God!
Babe: You know what?? Let's just leave the hair long since that's how you want it. You don't care about what I want!
Me:
Babe *cries and walks back to her room then bangs door*
Me:
{30 minutes later}
Babe: *walks out smiling with her hair packed*... Babe, should I wear this golden color heels or the black one??
Me: Yes
Babe: Huh??
Me: Yes babe...*smiles in agony*
Babe: Yes for which one?? The gold own or the black one?
Me: Wow! wow! the shoes are fine
Babe: I know right?? *smiles widely*...The black one goes with my outfit and I lovvvvvee it a lot!! the golden one is just so perfect and I can't remove my eyes from it!!..so which one babe?? Black or Gold??
Me: CHIMAMANDA, THE SHOES ARE FINE NA!!! PLEASE, I BEG YOU IN THE NAME OF GOD, THE SHOES ARE FINE!!!

I saw posts online about Sperm cramps and people think they're joking. This is really sad.
They don't understand what we go through until they experience it themselves.
Imagine not being able to sleep at night, you try to close your eyes and force yourself to sleep yet all you do is roll around on the bed and groan in agony.
You don't where exactly the pain is coming from, your belly aches, your thighs are paining you, no matter how you keep your leg, it still feels uncomfortable. You try to cry but why would you?? Men don't cry! That's the societal conditioning of everyone.
You just go through your pains alone, for four days, hoping that the horror you're experiencing, will be over soon.
I did not even talk about the mood swings, feeling of vomitting, pregnancy scares and all other stuff.
Do you ever have that few minutes of your life where you pray to God to see your sperm perlod and promise you won't sIeep with your partner next time?? That is the worst 15 minutes of our Iife.
We men are really strong.. we just don't show it to the world like the other gender that gave us apple.
# cramps
# spermcrampsisre al
# giveusmoneyforc ramps
# Inogetwetintous edohashtag

One event I'd never forget was when my mother said I shouldn't go out but I disobeyed her.
I was nine years old then, my mum was about to go to market and I was just waking up, around 2pm. Na by that time sef Uchenna one of my friend dey always bring out hin bicycle and we go dey do turn by turn.
So she warned me as usual that I shouldn't go out and if I do, I'll see pepper and all that, I was just nodding head but meanwhile I've already gone out and ride bicycle like ten times in my mind.
So she left, at first the holy spirit almost succeeded in making me obey her o not until I started hearing uchenna and my mates them laughing, shouting and arguing on who to ride next. Omo I jakpa from house and went straight outside to meet them.
I quickly claimed the third person that will ride and we stood in line waiting for the other person to come as usual. Body don dey sweet me and I wan show my guys them say I fit ride with one hand...you know na, all these styles.
I was standing and using one eye to be checking for my mother, but she never show face, I no even see her shadow. Then it reached my turn, I quickly jumped in and started riding asif na power bike I dey drive, e dey sweet me and they were hailing me too.
We were to ride to the bus stop and back to our gate. So na, I was riding and while I reached the bus stop, a bus stopped in my front and my mother came down from it with what she bought.
Our two eyes jam, I kukuma do her oyoyo with tears in my eyes and I helped her carry what she bought while I rode the bicycle back. When I reached, they were still hailing me but immediately they saw what I was holding, they con realize say wahala dey.
I told them bye bye and some were already pitying me while others were advising me to wear plenty boxers. My mother was still at the back... I rushed inside, wore like six boxers and knelt down while waiting for mum.
She came back home later and when she saw me on the ground, she calmly told me to go and bath that I was dirty..I was surprised Sha, because na back hand slap I suppose chop first before the main beating. I thanked her joyfully and pulled all my clothes.
While I was bathing, soap was already in my eyes when spiritual forces started wiping me...I couldn't dodge or run, na bathroom I dey and I dey naked... It was only God that saved me that day, all I could hear while I was been flogged was "next time if I say don't go out, don't go out!" Pia! Pia! Pia!

Me: Guy! omo I don tire for that girl
Guy: Who? Patience??
Me: Yes bro...that girl na rascaI!! she dey loud too much! she too dey shout! Any small thing, "Patience of Warri!!" "Patience of Warri!!!" "Who deeyyyyy??"... she go con dey tell me story wey I no ask am about oo, dey talk dey shout. nawa!!!
Guy: Hmph...so wetin dey your mind now?
Me: Omo na to end things with am ooo, I don tire. Sometimes I go dey wonder if na agbero or woman I dey date
Guy: So you don decide to end things with Patience of Warri?? *laughs out loud*
Me: You dey mad! Your father! *laughs out loud*... chai! you see as e dey sound abi? Imagine me and my babe dey walk and person go con ask am her name, she go reply "Patience of Warri!! who deeyyyyy??"...For my front ooo
Guy: *still laughing*
Me: Omo, abeg..this night I go tell am. Baby I don't think I can continue with this relationship.
Guy: Chai...I don already dey feel for the girl sha.
Me: That's how it is, bro.
{Later that night, while watching a movie}
Me: Hey, I want to tell you something
Patience: Ahnahn, babe wetin happen?
Me: You're still speaking pidgin, you promised me the other day that you'll work on speaking English more.
Patience: *laughs*...Sorry my love, you know say na pidgin I use grow. Oya, What's wrong baby? what happened? Did anyone made you angry today?
Me: Hmph... Patience, I...
Patience: Omo!! see as this man kee this guy, he no even smile or laugh. Baba no get heart ooo.
Me: Yeah, he's a popular actor. He always features as a villain in his movies. He's too wlcked.
Patience: Guuuyyyy, as I see am sef, I know!! the way he take kee this man! I just remember when my ex break up with me...omo!! l Chuk am knlfe ehhnn!! l stab stab am!!!
Me: Mmm?
Patience: You know say I get hot temper na...as I hear "we can't do this anymore"..ahhn!!! emi?!!! you wan break up with me?? Patience of Warri?!!! you no fit na...I quickly comot pocket knlfe stab hin soul comot. Who deeyyyyy?!!
Me:
Patience: Police almost catch me that year sef but I con talk say na self defense. We thank God sha. At least I've changed now, forgotten my past and moved on with the love of my life who's calming me down and teaching me proper English ..*holds my hands*
Me:
Patience: Ehen, you wanted to say something
Me: M...my love, W...will you marry m..me?

How ladies bath
1. They get to the bathroom and remove their towel.
2. they hold the wall and check if their àss is getting bigger, then use hand to press it to know if it still soft
3. They check if the breàst is still standing, then twist the nípple small
4. They practice those cràzy dance they can't dance in public (20mins)
5. They start singing Rihanna song then on the shower and peè on their body
6. Still singing Rihanna song while sponging their two hand if they get to their lap they changed to christian song.
7. Once they stop singing christian song just know they are washing their CPU
8. They use soap to rub their breàst and play with the breàst(20mins)
9. They on the shower and start singing Rihanna song again.
10. They wash their pañties
11. They come out of bathroom like saint with dirty towel
kaam pe

The girl I crushed on back in sss1 many years ago, never looked
at me for one day. Although I was intelligent but I noticed she didn't fancy me the way I fancied her.
I created many ways to approach her but it never worked out well. This girl dey always snub me and my letter... one time she threatened to report to our form teacher... Omo I almost lock up o but I continued after two days..no blame me, you sef suppose mumu pass me assuming say you see the girl back then.
I later got to discover from her friends that she was attracted to guys that keep their hair. And me back then, na lowcut I dey always barb, as per aspiring head boy. But after Dem give me this hint, I started planning a way I'd use to catch her attention. I decided to barb punk that year at the end of the year Christmas party, I go carry the punk come school..God punish am make she no freak for me...naso Timix talk after he don advice me to barb punk.
I imagined myself carrying punk and all I saw was an angel..ahhh, Patricia must to freak out.
I got home that day, happy... next three days was the party. I don budget to go material(my barber) shop go barb hair tomorrow. As I enter house, my family give me bad news...my grandfather died. I was sad when I heard the news, I was close to Grandpa..but wetin con make me confused na when my papa talk say we go barb our hair skin, say na family tradition.
I wasn't understanding, hoowww?? Na me die? How my hair take cause papa death? Which kain nonsense be this one?? Patricia nko?? Infact all my wails that day was in vain, I tried to convince both my parents that we can barb the hair after party but these cultists no hear.
To cut the story short, my papa call Mallam Bala the next day to come barb me and my brothers head. Mallam Bala na one retired farmer wey dey barb old men hair and na my papa personal barber... anytime my father returns from his place after barbing hair, we no dey on Gen..my papa head go turn bulb. That was who he brought to barb our hair.
Dem dey barb my hair with razor and water, I dey cry..as I dey cry, people dey sympathise with me, think say na Because my grandfather die, na why I dey cry.
I shamefully carried the hair.. sorry, head..hair no dey there at all. I shamefully carried it to school on party day and Timix saw me, my guy use style dey yab my hair but I no talk. I was stylishly looking around for Patricia, but I noticed she hasn't come yet.
Hours later, weather changed and rain was about to fall, everywhere turn dark and Patricia never come. We went inside the class to avoid rain and that was when Patricia entered, everybody start to dey hail am Because she fine, her dress fine, her shoe fine and her face fine. Immediately she stopped and said "ahnahn"..then everyone asked her what happened?
Patricia: is the school Gen on?
Everyone: Nooo naa
Patricia: but there's light shining at the back seat there

*
nah small tin remain make i commit sucide dat day

The girl I crushed on back in sss1 many years ago, never looked
at me for one day. Although I was intelligent but I noticed she didn't fancy me the way I fancied her.
I created many ways to approach her but it never worked out well. This girl dey always snub me and my letter... one time she threatened to report to our form teacher... Omo I almost lock up o but I continued after two days..no blame me, you sef suppose mumu pass me assuming say you see the girl back then.
I later got to discover from her friends that she was attracted to guys that keep their hair. And me back then, na lowcut I dey always barb, as per aspiring head boy. But after Dem give me this hint, I started planning a way I'd use to catch her attention. I decided to barb punk that year at the end of the year Christmas party, I go carry the punk come school..God punish am make she no freak for me...naso Timix talk after he don advice me to barb punk.
I imagined myself carrying punk and all I saw was an angel..ahhh, Patricia must to freak out.
I got home that day, happy... next three days was the party. I don budget to go material(my barber) shop go barb hair tomorrow. As I enter house, my family give me bad news...my grandfather died. I was sad when I heard the news, I was close to Grandpa..but wetin con make me confused na when my papa talk say we go barb our hair skin, say na family tradition.
I wasn't understanding, hoowww?? Na me die? How my hair take cause papa death? Which kain nonsense be this one?? Patricia nko?? Infact all my wails that day was in vain, I tried to convince both my parents that we can barb the hair after party but these cultists no hear.
To cut the story short, my papa call Mallam Bala the next day to come barb me and my brothers head. Mallam Bala na one retired farmer wey dey barb old men hair and na my papa personal barber... anytime my father returns from his place after barbing hair, we no dey on Gen..my papa head go turn bulb. That was who he brought to barb our hair.
Dem dey barb my hair with razor and water, I dey cry..as I dey cry, people dey sympathise with me, think say na Because my grandfather die, na why I dey cry.
I shamefully carried the hair.. sorry, head..hair no dey there at all. I shamefully carried it to school on party day and Timix saw me, my guy use style dey yab my hair but I no talk. I was stylishly looking around for Patricia, but I noticed she hasn't come yet.
Hours later, weather changed and rain was about to fall, everywhere turn dark and Patricia never come. We went inside the class to avoid rain and that was when Patricia entered, everybody start to dey hail am Because she fine, her dress fine, her shoe fine and her face fine. Immediately she stopped and said "ahnahn"..then everyone asked her what happened?
Patricia: is the school Gen on?
Everyone: Nooo naa
Patricia: but there's light shining at the back seat there
everyone : hahaha nah steve head o

*
nah small tin remain i for done kill my self

Back then in my primary school, I was the chief head of class A.k.a Headboy. No be that kain Headboy wey dey your mind so, it's not the prefect own... I be olodo, always backing the class up in their positions at the end of every term.
Timix na my partner, the id!ot no Sabi book but based on say my brain na akamu and hin own na indomie, my olodo thick pass hin own. Anytime I carry 64 out of 64, Timix dey always dey my front, with 63 out of 64.
If eventually, Timix carries 64 out of 64, me I'll carry 64 pro out of 64. Our result never be the same at all, he always passes me in Yoruba...and me wey suppose dey pass am in Igbo, I proudly fail the subject woefully. Forget, I was proud of my olodo then...e no easy to be olodo boy wey still get big yansh like girl. I was severely body shamed.
That wasn't the problem, the problem was my father. He always ridiculed me and my brainless brain. I'm always the talk of the compound every end of the term that I returned home. This became too much and I knew I had to do something about it, even Chinyere my crush dey always laugh me back then because of my father.
That fateful day, second to last day of third term, they shared our results for us and I carried my usual position, 65 out of 65. Yes we later turn 65, one new boy join us back then so my position con add plus one. Na Timix carry my 64.
Earlier that day, I spoke with Timix concerning how I'd face my dad at night and he said I shouldn't worry, that he had a plan for me. After they shared our results, Timix carried me to the back of our school, brought out his pen and miraculously changed my 65th to 2nd. I no know how he take do am, I no know how he manage copy our teacher handwriting but wetin I know be say, I carry second for class..for the first time in eight years!!
I had already created a story for my dad as to how I came second. He came back home that night and was so proud of me, I was happy, he was happy, my mother was happy... Even Mama Taiwo was happy.
Taiwo na my mate wey dey go another school. The boy Sabi book very well!! In fact he no dey read book, na book dey read am. While his mother was congratulating us, she asked my father if my school told me to represent them in an inter-state school quiz competition. My father said no... She went on to say that Taiwo was chosen with another girl to represent their school and my school is supposed to be aware because the competition na for all schools wey dey Lagos State.
My father wasn't happy, he expected my school to pick me since I did very well that term. He shouted, banged his hand hard on the table and complained that my school was partial. I tried to calm him down but this man no gree. Shey na him get the result abi na me?? Asin I was trying to understand if my father was a student of my school too?? Something wey he suppose forget, he dey shout anyhow.
When I became finished completely was the next morning. My father woke up early...(Ahh! Mama Taiwo, that thunder I said that should fire you back then, it will fire you again!)
My father woke up early, dressed up and went to my school to complain about why I wasn't chosen to represent them in the competition. This man no gree forget matter and I no go school that day, me wey carry 65 out of 65 ...I dey house. Na Timix be the dev!l for this story, this boy happily carried his 64 home.
My father later came back home that night with a sack of cane and Aboniki balm. Let's just say that what happened that night, made me understand that there are several ways to remove an olodo spirit aside prayers.

Yoruba be like "babe my number is sero, hate, sero, sis, sis, for, won, tri, tri, for, hate.
That's my empty, hen, line
*
abeg nah joke o
b4 una kill me here

*FOOTBALL VS S*X*
1. *Going to ur boyfriend or Girlfriend's house without being invited = Offside*
2. *Dating a girl today and having sex on the same day = Free kick*
3. *Condom = Defender*
4. *Abortion = Red card*
5. *Condom breaks = Penalty*
6. *A girl with lot of energy = Captain*
7. *Having sex without condom = Own goal*
8. *Taking a lot of time without cuming = Man of the match*
9. *Sexing three girls in one day = Hat trick*
10. *Having sex with ur Ex = Friendly match*
11. *Eight years of sex without getting a child = Arsenal*
12. *After two rounds and u request for more = Extra time*
13. *Taking it gently when having sex = Fair play*
14. *Biting ur girlfriend's nipples = Suarez*
15. *Two legs on the shoulder = Throwing*
16. *Asking her "how do u want it?" = Taking instructions from the touchline*
17. *A lady using pills after sex and later she still gets pregnant = Defensive error*
18. *A girl getting pregnant = Goooooal*
19. *Having sex with ur girlfriend and ur mum opens the door = Injury*☹️
20. *A guy who impregnated the lady = Active striker*
21. *A girl telling u to stop = yellow card*
22. *Divorce = Barcelona and Messi*
23. *Awwwnsh, awwwn, more babbby, harder harder* *asssshh!..=dribbling in process*
*24..Ohhh yeeeahhhhh: =game over*
*
no be me talk ooo...

Just passing

Back then in my primary school, I was the chief head of class A.k.a Headboy. No be that kain Headboy wey dey your mind so, it's not the prefect own... I be olodo, always backing the class up in their positions at the end of every term.
Timix na my partner, the id!ot no Sabi book but based on say my brain na akamu and hin own na indomie, my olodo thick pass hin own. Anytime I carry 64 out of 64, Timix dey always dey my front, with 63 out of 64.
If eventually, Timix carries 64 out of 64, me I'll carry 64 pro out of 64. Our result never be the same at all, he always passes me in Yoruba...and me wey suppose dey pass am in Igbo, I proudly fail the subject woefully. Forget, I was proud of my olodo then...e no easy to be olodo boy wey still get big yansh like girl. I was severely body shamed.
That wasn't the problem, the problem was my father. He always ridiculed me and my brainless brain. I'm always the talk of the compound every end of the term that I returned home. This became too much and I knew I had to do something about it, even Chinyere my crush dey always laugh me back then because of my father.
That fateful day, second to last day of third term, they shared our results for us and I carried my usual position, 65 out of 65. Yes we later turn 65, one new boy join us back then so my position con add plus one. Na Timix carry my 64.
Earlier that day, I spoke with Timix concerning how I'd face my dad at night and he said I shouldn't worry, that he had a plan for me. After they shared our results, Timix carried me to the back of our school, brought out his pen and miraculously changed my 65th to 2nd. I no know how he take do am, I no know how he manage copy our teacher handwriting but wetin I know be say, I carry second for class..for the first time in eight years!!
I had already created a story for my dad as to how I came second. He came back home that night and was so proud of me, I was happy, he was happy, my mother was happy... Even Mama Taiwo was happy.
Taiwo na my mate wey dey go another school. The boy Sabi book very well!! In fact he no dey read book, na book dey read am. While his mother was congratulating us, she asked my father if my school told me to represent them in an inter-state school quiz competition. My father said no... She went on to say that Taiwo was chosen with another girl to represent their school and my school is supposed to be aware because the competition na for all schools wey dey Lagos State.
My father wasn't happy, he expected my school to pick me since I did very well that term. He shouted, banged his hand hard on the table and complained that my school was partial. I tried to calm him down but this man no gree. Shey na him get the result abi na me?? Asin I was trying to understand if my father was a student of my school too?? Something wey he suppose forget, he dey shout anyhow.
When I became finished completely was the next morning. My father woke up early...(Ahh! Mama Taiwo, that thunder I said that should fire you back then, it will fire you again!)
My father woke up early, dressed up and went to my school to complain about why I wasn't chosen to represent them in the competition. This man no gree forget matter and I no go school that day, me wey carry 65 out of 65 ...I dey house. Na Timix be the dev!l for this story, this boy happily carried his 64 home.
My father later came back home that night with a sack of cane and Aboniki balm. Let's just say that what happened that night, made me understand that there are several ways to remove an olodo spirit aside prayers.

A mad man saw a brand new car 4x4 car parked in front of a house.
He said "wow the owner of this car is very dump
Simple 4x4 he cannot solve....
he then took a stone and wrote on the car =16.
The owner of the car got so angry and went ahead to spray the car new....
The mad man did it again...
The owner was so angry this time that when he finished spraying he ordered them to Write 4x4=16.......
This time the mad man came around. looked at the car, nodded his head, smiled, picked a stone and mark it correct....

OAM4J, prof800(m), UjSizzle(f), Mynd44, lalasticlala(m), Seun(m)