Guy dies and finds himself in hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon,
Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca,  we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great!
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You know it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie- you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow, that's, awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why, yes I do.
Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever,  If you go Bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?,
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gaay?
Guy: No,
Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."




After wandering for two weeks in a forest, two ants came accross a pleasant cave. It was wet but it was a welcome change from the jungle.
The first ant decided to go in and check things out. Shortly after he entered, a worm crept into the hole and began to hit him. He fought for his life until after giving the worm a vicious bite, it vomitted white blood and withdrew.
Sweating and panting , he managed to drag himself outside to meet his brother.
'Why didn't you help me when that worm attacked me?' he accused.
'Just a worm?' the second ant asked. 'I was assaulted by two giant balls outside!'




A bank manager got confused with his calculations, so he asked his secretary to help out, "I have $23,000,000, what will you take off to get 25%" And his secretary replied "Sir, honestly, I will take off my blouse, my skirt, my bra even my pants!!




Dirty Whale swimming with girlfriend
Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend, Monica, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, Willie says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"

Monica says, "Oh, I don't know, "

"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!", says Willie.

Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue.

As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"

To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the bl0wj0b, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."






A COUPLE THAT HAS BEEN MARRIED FOR 20YRS WERE BOTH RECENTLY DIAGNOSED OF HAVING DIABETES,  FINDING LATER SHOWED THAT THEY BOTH CONTACTED THE DISEASE AS A RESULT OF THE NAMES THEY CALLED EACH OTHER,  LIKE: HONEY PIE, SWEETIE, SUGAR, SWEET HEART, HOT CHOCOLATE, E.T.C

SO PLEASE PREVENT DIABETES BY STARTING EARLY, BY CALLING YOUR SPOUSE NAMES LIKE: YOYO BITTERS, CHLOROQUINE, PEPPER FRUIT, ALABUKUN, OTUTUPOYOYO, ATAWEWE, SWEDISH BITTERS, BITTER LEAF, BITTER LEMON, DONGOYARO, OROORO, OROKI, EPA IJEBU, ASETU, E.T.C

HAVE A HEALTHY AND SUGAR-FREE ROMANTIC LIFE, LOOOL





There were two friends one name peter and other paul.
peter borrowed  paul some money, paul refused to pay
so,they were fighting [meanwhile a man was watching their fight]
paul killed him self so that he will not pay,peter killed himself so
he can collect his money the man watching found the fight intresting
so he killed himself so he can see the end of there fighting .





The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"




What do women do all day?
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and 20 wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, and so the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, break fast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife, He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys thrown over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and tooth paste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went,

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it, "




Poetry In Bed
A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say, "I'm really hungry and thirsty too. It was freakin' freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink.

After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed.

They both think for a while when the guy says, "Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine".

So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."

Mormon seated next to Irishman on a flight
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Woman caught speeding

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.




Greek and Italian discussing who had superior culture

A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

John
John had been in prison for only three months when he got into a fight with another prisoner who sliced off John’s ear with a knife. A short time later he got tonsillitis and had his tonsils removed. Then John got a mouth infection and had to have six teeth extracted. Soon after that,his hand got slammed in a door & he had to have the tips of three fingers amputated. A few weeks later John had appendicitis and his appendix was taken out.

It was at this point that the prison warden went to the Governor of the Prison and warned “I think John is escaping bit by bit.





Drunk men
Three drunk men entered a taxi. the taxi driver knew that they were drunk,so he started the engine and turned it off again. He told them.

“We have reached the place.

The first guy gave him money and the second guy said “thank u.” The third guy gave the driver a slap.The driver was shocked, thinking the their guy knew what he did. But he asked “what’s that for?.” The third guy replied, “CONTROL your SPEED NEXT TIME. YOU ALMOST KILLED US!

Nice jokes. U almost hav ma ribs cracked

mufuteee u 2 much, keep it up

A man returns home from work and enters through the kitchen door.

He sees his wife on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor. She only has an apron on, so the husband gets a big hard on and starts humping his wife d0ggy style.

When he is through he pulls out and at the same time hits her real hard on her head.

"What was that?" the wife screamed, "Here I am being so nice to you, and letting you really enjoy yourself. What did you hit me for??"

The husband looked at her and angrily says, "For not looking back to see who it is"






The teacher at the beginning of the class says:

"OK kids, we are going to talk about sexual education today. First we'll talk about how the human reproduction goes on, "

Immediately, little Johnny raises his hand, and desperately tries to get the teacher's attention. But the teacher, knowing how little Johnny is about these things, goes on,

", First, a man a woman have to be in love, " But little Johny keeps his hand up, waving it up and down, and from one side to the other one.

The teacher ignores him, ", They have to be very much in love because, "

But now little Johnny even starts making noise with his feet, so the teacher decides to acknowledge him:

" OK, little Johnny. What do you want to say."

Little Johnny then stands up, and says:

"I just wanted to ask, Those of us who have already bleeped, can we leave?"





Girl says: It’s unfair that if a guy fcuks a different girl every week, he’s a legend, but if a girl fcuks just two guys in a year, she’s a slut.
Guy responds: If a key opens lots of locks, then it’s a master key, but if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it’s a shitty lock.





A bartender in a gay bar was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!" The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!". The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, "Alright, now give me a Mouth Gig!". "Anything!", cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!". The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends might walk in!".





A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"

With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight." That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife.

With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - "The Meaning of Dreams".





A man married a Lady Traffic police Inspector.
Friend: How was your first night?
Man: She charged 10000 from me for over speeding, 20000 for wrong side entry and Rs. 50000 for no helmet.






A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror.

Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."

"Wow! Does that really work?"

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said.

*dozes halfway*

Boss interviewing girls for Secretary position
Question: A Woman Normally has 2 Mouths! What’s the difference between the 2?

The 1st answered: 1 can talk But The other can′t.

2nd answered: 1 is Vertical and The other is Horizontal.

3rd answered: 1 is Hairy, The other isn′t.

The Last 1 answered: 1 is for My Use & The Other is for My Boss!

Boss: “Yes, You’re Hired!”

I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008 and continuing it in 2009 also,

Because of your kindness:

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

* Forwarded hundreds of mails but still waiting for FREE DESKTOP, LAPTOP, CAMERA, CELLPHONE etc….

* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer,

* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill with calls to Uganda, Pakistan, Singapore and Tokyo.

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a Can for fear that I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.

* When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me, then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times, (Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993, )

* Still open to help somebody from Nigeria who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle's property of $ 100 million. So much trustworthy.

* I have forwarded 35 emails to 400 people hoping that Ericsson or Nokia will send me latest mobile phones but those models are also obsolete now.

* Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Ganesh, Tirupathi Balaji pics etc. Now most of those "Wishes" are already married (to someone else)

NOW IMPORTANT NOTE:

If you do not send this e-mail to at least 11,246 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will Pee on your head today at 6:30pm.

Nothing has happened till now, but who knows. So please forward.

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question, "

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

A group of students had a biology lab. As a part of this lab they were supposed to scrape some bacteria off their teeth with a toothpick and then examine it under the microscope.

But this one girl had some problems identifying her bacteria and asked the professor what they were.

"Those are sperrm cells."