My name is AY I am 25 years old and I have refused to have a girlfirend this is how it started when I was in ss3 (2003) and 16 years old I came across a beautiful girl who I wooed and we became lovers but I never slept with her we just romanced but I gained admission to university b4 her and the following year she joined me in my univ too now I really loved her but my mom had always threatened that none of her children would marry a non yoruba but she is from edo state although she grew up in the south west with her parents and she speaks yoruba perfectly so when I got to 200 level (2005) i broke up with her and i told her it was because of my mom's threat so I didn't want to waste her time now and she moved on and dated one other guy almost immediately but a year later while still going out with this guy we came back together and we continued romancing(no sex) this started in 2007 and despite the fact that the other guy almost caught her red handed she denied and still kept on seeing me all this while I never had a relationship with any other person so it was like she was going out with two guys and i knew of course she would tell me stuffs about the other guy and how they were doing this continiued till we all graduated and went for service so around may this year we got talking and she told me that she almost got married to the guy but they had to split cos they are both AS so the guy has moved on . My concern now is this I really love this gal and Iam AA but every time I think about her cunny attitude at keeping two guy's at a time I really feel like she is dangerous truth is I love her but I know love is never enuff for marriage and I am a fresh graduate trying to get a job and she is doing nysc anytime I am reallly down mentally she encourages me she is my best friend now despite the fact that we have stopped the romancing stuffs as i gave my life to christ but she told me she is about moving on if i know i wouldn't marry her cos she is also 25 should i let her slip away or she truly love's me I really don't want to make a mess of my marital life but I am scarred she is just pretending please advice me cos I truly love her cos she is fine intelligent and not materialistic actually she is everything i desire in a woman but could she be playing me as we both played the other guy?

@op

I find it hard to read as u refuse to observe/obey the laws of English, almost no full stop, comma etc. IMO, ur post is bored

^^^^oops sorry I am posting from a hand held device a phone to be precise and it put a limit on the number of characters I could post at once so I had to edit out the comma's and stuff sorry if I put you thru an aptitude test but i beleive you should at least get the drift.

Tell her to move on if you have doubts in your mid.

Second off, will your mum allow you marry her?

My mum may likely not agree I have not told her about the gal yet but do I care? No. My mum actually scared me when I was much younger but now no a man has got to do what he got to do hasn't he? So I am less bothered about my mum accepting her even if she doesn't want her I won't mind marrying her but I just want to be sure that she is worth the sacrifice with the signals she has shown. If you actually ever loved somebody before you will understand how difficult it is to just move on I have come across a million gals even got seduced by many but this gal just seems to be an angel in my eyes of course my friends do tease me that what exactly did I see in her but really I myself have never been able to answer that question.

@op
at last i took out time to read it again.

The issue is very simple. She loves u and u love her. Ur mum is against her just on tribal basis, under this condition of tribal issue its left for u to tell ur mum that the girl is gud and that she is the girl u want to marry. The only way ur mum can win is if she is the one to provide u with the money for her marriage. Am not saying that u should approach ur mum in a manner that is harsh. let her see reasons y u want this girl and pray that the girl wont proof otherwise at the long run.

Issue of dating two guys at the same time. Remember that u were the primary cause of such, how? When u told her that base on what ur mum said, that u dont think its healthy to continue in the relationship, what did u expect her to do. At least she has to look for someone to move on in life. And let me tell u, u have already caused her pains by that simple action because she believe in u not ur mum.

Now issue of how she loves u is this. Despite the fact u have dissapointed her, she still find out time to come to 2 u secretly not because of the guy she is going out with presently but fear of ur mum, dont u think that her action speaks volume - she loves u.

Issues of money is different since u are not gainfully employed at the moment. But i must tell u that u are not the only one going tru such at the moment, if two of u are sincere to urself such is not an issue. because u will not always remain unemployed and the girl is serving. There is future for two of.

Issue of pretending: u have to ask urself what is the girl pretending for. No 1, as it is now, u may not have enof money in ur hand(not to insult u) and the girl is not materialistic according to u. So what will she be pretending for. because the primary reason people pretend is to get something.

U have to proof ur love for her by standing by her and make ur mum see at least what u are seeing - i mean the material the girl is made up of. Personally, i hate this tribal issue from parents. The world is bigger than ur village/town. Pls tell ur mum.

Pls dont allow ur mum force u to marry ur town girl that u will regret all ur life. I beg u

^^^^thanks man you see most time's when you are at the centre of things it is difficult to think straight but just look at how you have analysed the situation here I couldn't ask for more I guess two good heads are better than one after all I will note your point's but the issue with my mum is that mom's always introduce spiritual angle to this sort of things just to make there resentment credible,

In that country were a girl "expires" on her 30th birthday. A sensible one will have plan A through Z.

@Post

Let me briefly share my personal experience with u here. By special grace of God am getting married next yr with my girl. She is not from my state. Initially, when i informed my family of my intention, some frown at it, but after xplaining to them most especially my sisters, they were not only agreed that i should marry her, they even said if at all i wish to marry white girl that they will fully support me.

My mum is not an english spoken and as such she was not too happy about it but at the end she buy into it. I understand the joy she would have derived from sharing with her daughter in-law using native dialect. But because i know that marriage is more than that, I have to stand my ground and let them follow.

because i look at it this way, am i going into marriage in order to please the entire family members or am going into it in order to build a family and live a responsible life. Since i was able to answer this question, my guy i dont have any issue with mum or dad concerning marriage.

And pls if u finally settle down with this girl, when u have challenges in the future, dont start saying, if I had known i would have listen to my mum, if u dare try it, u will live the rest of ur marriage life in regret. because most time challenges will show up that will even make u think that ur mum was almost rite.

So pls be responsible, there is no ready made individual anywhere in the world. Individuals complement each other to become more better.

@outstrip are you saying I am just her back up plan please espantiate

Please abeg my dear I did not say that If you love her go for it. i was just a general statement

Were you assistant boyfriend or just a friend? Because if you were a friend without having anything intimate to do with her, then by all means go on. BUT, if you were a friend or assistant boyfriend, hahahaha, guy you better find someone else. Are you comfortable with the fact that she can so blatantly juggle two boys and convince you to accept that? Also, the fact that she even told you everything about the relationship? This does not look like she has any respect for who you are. You are just the alternative. If that guy agreed to marry her she will have put acid in your eye if you tried to continue or she may have just continued keeping you in case the marriage fails and wasting your time. You are just a very good friend who has met a girl desperate to get married. I dont think the feeling you have for her is mutual. Maybe when you are married and you have problems having kids she will convince you to let her shack up with someone else for a child while telling you the other person's performance/ ability. . It does not look like you have too much self esteem.

@2much this your view 2much o lol you seem to capture my real fear actually I was dating her but had to tell her off cos of my mom then our path's crossed again and since 2007 I have been hooked now my confusion is that I have desperately tried to excuse her juggling two guy's but it all keep's coming back as a sign of being cunning. But what if she did it because she really loved me or cos she couldn't erase the feeling she has for me cos to be frank I myself have not been able to wipe out her love from my mind all these year's and i have met all manner of people but she just seems to be perfect even when she's made mistake's, I guess affection has covered my sight which is why i need nairalanders who can see clearly.

How old is she

@ Poster, the truth is if she ever loved that first guy, she would not cheat on him with you. She really and trully loves you. But if she would be faithful that one i cannot tell you anything about that. I know that if you care so much about someone, you will not think of cheating on him/her. Abi, have you caught her with anyone else after you? She is trying to guard her heart.

Also, sometimes you are in a relationship while your heart yearns for another, so i would rather you stick to that person your heart really wants. (though not in all cases they turn out to be the best).

We are both 25yrs now we were like 21 yrs old then when we were both playing that guy I was her first love we both met at 16yrs and i opted out at around 19yrs. But what i am afraid about is that if not for her genotype AS She could still have gotten married to that guy which actually beats me but to be fair to her she really struggled to get me out of her life back then but you know i myself was not in any relationship and have never been so we keep finding ourselves in ourselves arm and there was a day she said she had a dream that i was a lecturer in a school and she came to the school with her child with another man ofcourse and then she saw me and we statrted an extramarital affair she said this out of frustration cos i remember every time she came to my place she was always sad when going back cos she had cheated on the other guy but she said she couldn't help it and we would both agree for her not to come to my place again that i should be the only one visiting her that way we wouldn't be tempted but it never worked till we graduated.

I guess I am boring,

Yes you are.

Stop going round and make up your mind!

D emotional baggages in ur r/ship are just too much. I feel it cant work, let it go. Go look for a job man.

Not easy,

Your problem is that you really like a girl but you feel you cannot trust her enough to marry her and you want outsiders to assure you. Guy, tell her this to her face. Let her tell you what she thinks. If after that you cannot make-up your mind, then just allow life to throw whatever God has directed it to smack you with.

I will speak with her 2night,

I would say you were her plan B but you have suddenly become A. Which means you will go back to being Plan B when she finds a better suitor.

Why did she stay with the other guy when you guys got back together? She should have called off the relationship then but she didn't. That says much.

Personally, I think you are too distracted now. Let her go so that you can concentrate on getting a good job. If God says you will be together, you guys will meet again.

By the way, you said you got born again. Is she born again too?

Cute story, OP: the girl loves you. What if she marries you and your mother doesn't give her peace of mind, It seems you broke it off with her in the first place is why she moved on to the other guy, Well well, My advice: do you have another girl that u know just as much, the saying goes thus, the devil you know is better than the angel you don't know. You've known this babe for a very loong time, 1) focus on getting a job. 2) secure your economic condition

@tgal well I thought as much that maybe I was her plan B but really before I broke up with her she was really sincere with me but it seems the events that happened over the years has made her really ''smart'' hence i find it really tough knowing if she's real or not but one thing I know is that she actually loves my genotype and knows that I am quite disciplined and focused so probably she might think i'm worth waiting for but the deal is if she could conveniently manage two guy's I will never be sure that she is not doing same i can never be sure @obowumi I think she also loves me but it seems the only thing she has working for her with me is the fact that i love her but i know love is not enough reason for marriage even true love well i am trusting God that I'll land a better job soon but what do you say about a girl that has other suitors that are more financially comfortable but she still waits on me to break even I sometimes wish she could just tell me she's dating some one else that would be easy to forget her but even now that i told her that I may not assure her of marrying her she still hasn't told me of being in a relationship whether she is decieving me that is another issue *sighs*

//

@op
you r story is a real mess but let me give you my 2Kobos:
First let's be clear on one thing: you ARE plan B! she can say whatever she wants but the fact remains that  the reason she is with you today is because she couldn't marry someone else. you should NEVER go back to your own vomit.

Second you are confused, you dumped her because of your mother but then kept a meaningless r/ship with her. may i ask for what reason you did that? if you are going to date her then wouldn't you want to be NUMBER ONE? you relegated yourself to the second position and then allow her to use you at the dead of night, like common criminals. KAI!!!!

Third if you were so passionate about this r/ship then why did you give up so easily instead of fighting for this love? what has changed in your life that you are NOW ready to fight for it?

Fourth isnt it  funny how she IMMEDIATELY started dating this other guy when you let her go? are you sure she wasnt dating him already? how would you ever trust a woman who was openly cheating and tells you that she "couldnt help it" as a reason for her cheating?

Fifth may i ask why you havent dated other people in all this while? you are not being realistic with the issue at hand. i would even say that you haven't got a choice! even married, you will still be used by this gal until you play the wrong guy who will hurt you BOTH royally!

Sixth if someone tells you that age is the reason why she wants you to marry her, then LOVE has nothing to do with it, DESPERATION is the reason. that woman is a snake and she will do whatever she can to get what she wants. Marriage is what she is after right now, and by the look of things, she will get it whether with you or some other sucker out there.

my suggestion to you: get rid of her, remove her COMPLETELY from your life and focus on the beautiful future that lay ahead.  you should have done that the minute your mum said "no way".

Mmmhh with all these replies only one thing is sure and this is the fact that I am more confused now than when I started the thread I guess it's all down to the eye opening suggestions I am getting here the truth is from the time i broke up with her then till now I have never asked anybody else out yeah it sound's odd and unbelievable but the last time i asked a girl out was in 2003 and it was her well i broke up with her in 2005 but since then i have not had the will to love a girl to ask her out actually i get to meet real spectacular girls sometimes but that is just how far it goes i just think within me like wow that's beauty and i move on meaning I am a virgin(and i'm not complaining) although once in a while i get stalked by girls(which is quite normal) but it fizzles out I am not saying i can't hook up with another girl but i am just trying to weigh all the options i got and learn from peoples's experiences cos I'd rather learn from other's mistake than mine. But as it stand's I think it's true that I was just a back up but wether I still am is something I may choose to find out or not. I just can't bear the thought of loosing her and realising later on that she was real. I wish i could just see through her mind.

@mrbrownjay I know I acted like a wimp walking her out of my life back then but damnit I was bearly 19 and just thought it would die a natural death i never knew we would stick it out and end up in this mess and who would have thought so. Really it's easier being a spectator than the character. I know how tough it is when I consider the fact that we have remained best of friends even after I screwed things up.

There is nothing confusing here and i think you are spending too much time meditating on the ifs and what ifs. The simple solution to your problem is too live in the present, and face it squrely. If you cannot live with the past LEAVE HER ALONE. If you want to be with her buy some trust from anywhere and be with her.

All these stories about her past just shows a woman who was young, thrown into confusion by a confused young man. Dated someone else and the rship hit the rocks and your judgement is she is a cheat, may be cheating on you and may use you. Use you for what sef? Marriage? and so? you have been claiming you love her since the inception of the thread i would have thought you will be glad that a woman you love wants to marry you. It is good to take a critical appraisal of your rship but it is better not to work about with doubts in your head.

Actions speak louder than words. Watch her actions.

Tgirl4real:

I would say you were her plan B but you have suddenly become A. Which means you will go back to being Plan B when she finds a better suitor.

Why did she stay with the other guy when you guys got back together? She should have called off the relationship then but she didn't. That says much.

Personally, I think you are too distracted now. Let her go so that you can concentrate on getting a good job. If God says you will be together, you guys will meet again.

By the way, you said you got born again. Is she born again too?

Hehehe Plan A, Plan B, memories galore