1. When men say women are evil I just laugh. What do you expect from the only creature that met the devil one on one?
2.Not all marriages start with "will you marry me?" Some start with "I am pregnant."
3. It's only in Africa that people don't rest. Even after death, they still work as Ancestors or gods, busy eating kola nuts and demanding schnapps and fowls.
4. Actors and Actresses kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don't fall in love, but this girl just clicked "like" on your picture and you have been thinking about it for days. My Brother, whatever is wrong with you, we all don't know...But we will pray for you.
5. Stupidity is when you have headache and instead of buying Paracetamol, you use the money to buy airtime and log onto Facebook to post "Feeling headache" with 57 others, just to get comments like "Get well soon, Sorry dear " Your foolishness is beyond repair.
6. People say falling in love is d best feeling, but I think finding a toilet when you have a running stomach is truly the best feeling.
7. Don't say money changed them. You didn't text them when they were broke REMEMBER
8. As she returns from the valentine break, my brother give her at least three months before you do anything with her. Except you're ready to father somebody's child.
9. My Sister, when your boyfriend's main girlfriend sends you a text that reads "please leave my man alone" tell her to attach a copy of her marriage certificate and a testament of him saying he wants to be left alone.
10. I thought I knew English until l heard my neighbour explaining difference between Email and Gmail. Email is a mail sent by electricity. Gmail is a mail sent by generator.

Some years back in NIGERIA
JAMB QUESTIONS 2018
1. Animals that eat money are called... A. Carnivores. B. Omnivores. C. Monivores. D. Herbivores.
. 2. What is the natural habitat for naira-eating snakes? A. Aquatic B. Jamb headquarters C. Terrestrial D. Forest
. 3. The process by which a snake swallows money is called... A. Phagocytosis B. Engulfing C. Pinocytosis D. Embezzlement.
. UTME 2018, leaked...
............... Maths The probability of x snake swallowing 36million naira is y. Find x.
English Fill in the blank ....... A snake swallowed 36million. a)could it be true? b) it could be true? c) true it could be?
Biology Sketch the dorsoventral view of the snake capable of swallowing 36million naira...
Physics Calculate the escape velocity with which a snake swallowed 36million Naira and disappeared unnoticed... take speed of light (8x10*9km/s)
Chemistry What is the molar mass of 36million Naira...?
Economics A snake worth 36million Naira define its opportunity cost.
Geography Where on earth can we find the snake that swallowed our 36million Naira? Best of luck...
.........
Anyhow, I love Nigeria. We can never fail to amuse ourselves.

10000BC
Imagine that awkward silence when Abraham and Isaac were walking home after He had tried to sacrifice him... --------------------------- Abraham: "I love you son."
Isaac: "lemme joor.. Ritualist."

You!!! ........ Yes you!
Alright since I got your attention, translate these to English for me.....
1. How many years I carry senior you?
2. Precious for our compound way sabi woka woka don carry belle?

Some across the Nigerian border
A boy crosses on a bicycle, a customs officer stops, and inspects him.
Customs officer: "What do you have?"
Boy: "Just rice, officer."
After thorough inspection, the officer finds nothing but rice and releases the boy. The same situation emerges the next day!
Customs officer: "What do you have?"
Boy: "Just rice, officer."
The thorough inspection again shows that the boy carries nothing but rice.
The situation repeats on the next day, and continues for a while.
Customs officer: "Just tell me, what are you smuggling? I will not tell anybody!"
Boy: "Bicycles, officer." ***

A husband takes his wife to a night party.
There’s a guy on the dance floor dancing happily – breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips. The wife turns to her husband and says,
“See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
Husband says, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!!”
Wife:"............. "

A Professor started his class on a very serious topic. The moment he turned towards the blackboard, one of the students whistled.
He turned, looked at the class and asked the Whistler's name. No one answered. The Professor peacefully kept the pen in his pocket saying: "Lecture ends here. I'll tell you a story to utilise the remaining time". Everyone became interested.
"Yesterday night I tried hard to sleep, but it was miles away from my eyes, so I thought I'd better get petrol in my car, which will save my time next morning and might induce sleep.
After having my tank full, I started roaming in that area, enjoying the peace of a traffic free ride.
Suddenly, on the corner I saw a girl who was as young and beautiful as the clothes she was wearing. Must have been returning from a party.
Out of courtesy, I turned my car towards her and asked if I may be of any help. She asked me if I could drop her to her home, she'll be very obliged, to which I agreed. She sat in the front seat with me. We started talking, and to my amazement she was very intelligent, had control on many topics which many youngsters don't.
When we reached her address, she admitted my courteous nature and behavior and accepted that she had fallen in love with me.
I also admitted her intelligence and beauty and that I've also started liking her. I told her about my job as a professor in the university.
The girl asked my number, which I gave her willingly. Then she asked me a favor, to which i couldn't have denied naturally.
She said that her brother is a student in the same university, and asked me to take care of him, since we'll be in a long relationship now.
I asked the name of the student. She said that I'll recognise him with one of his very prominent quality, He whistles a lot!
All eyes in the classroom turned towards the boy who had whistled.
The professor said: "I didn't buy my PhD in Psychology, I earned it. Oya! Come out" ***

Teacher: Tina, what is the sum of 2 and 2?
Tina: four!
Teacher: okay. Jackson, what is the product of 2 by 2?
Jackson: four!
Teacher: okay. Tim, what is the sum of 4 and 4?
Tim: Eight!
Teacher: okay. Wisdom, what is the product of 4 by 4?
Wisdom: Eight!

The teacher gave out assignments to the students on the environment. Stating to write the effects of oil pollution.
A student wrote:........
“When my mum opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the fishes inside were dead.”

Teacher: "Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. What is a noun?"
Class: At once!
Teacher:"........ "

Teacher: I told you to stay at the end of the line and you disobeyed me!
Wisdom: (tearfully) "I tried, but someone else is already there!"

James: "I wish to know what my grade in geography is."
Teacher: "you drowned!"
James: "Drown? "
Teacher: "Your grade went below the “c” level."
Students:".............. "

Ann failed in a class work and was about to be caned by the teacher.
Ann: "please ma, I don’t want to die, the cane will kill me!"
Teacher: "(smiles) the cane will not kill you, it will teach you to be more dedicated to your books."
Ann: "But mum said that it was cane that actually killed Abel!"

Teacher: "Fred, I am glad to see your handwriting improving."
Fred: "thank you, ma!"
Teacher: "Now I can see how bad your spelling is though!"

Teacher: "Name two days of the week that start with “t” ".
Pupil: "Today and Tomorrow."

Teacher: "I killed a person. Tell me, is this sentence in future tense?"
Wisdom: "no!"
Teacher: "OK, now put it in the future tense. "
Wisdom: "In future tense, you will go to jail."

In a physics class

Teacher: class, I do hope you all come up with your own discoveries?
Class: yes!
Teacher: Tom, can we get to hear yours?
Tom: okay. Last night, I got to find out that approximately 152 trillion, 45 billion, 193 million, 546 thousand members of the milky galaxy of a countless multitude of stars were studied. About 274 million were created, and almost 13 million, 443 thousand were destroyed, if not more.
Teacher: wow! How did you come about that?
Tom: I used an improvised telescopic instrument of deception to convey this sophisticated untrue factual claim!

Teacher: "Ali, how can you prove that the earth is spherical?*
Ali: "I can’t. Besides, I never said I could."

Teacher: "Ali, how can you prove that the earth is spherical?*
Ali: "I can’t. Besides, I never said I could."

Joy: "sir, can I be punished for something I didn’t do?"
Teacher: "no!"
Joy: "well, I didn't do my assignment!"

Teacher:"Wisdom, why are you late for school today?"
Wisdom: "I obeyed a road sign!"
Teacher: "what road sign?"
Wisdom:" move slowly, school ahead!"

An illiterate father was called upon to the school due to the poor performance of his son.
Father: my ‘pikin’ say you drive am ‘commot’ for school? (Meaning; my son said he was sent away from school?)
Teacher: yes sir. I asked him to spell lion and he couldn’t.
Father: ah! That one big ‘na’. You know say ‘na’ small ‘pikin’, you for tell am make ‘im’ for spell small-small animals like mosquito. (Meaning; that’s a big animal. You know he is a kid, you should have asked him to spell smaller animals like mosquitoes instead.)

Teacher: (tapping a cane on his palm as he stammers) you, s..spell, baa..na..na..na..naaa..na…na!
Tina: B.A…N.A…N.A…N.A… (Burst into tears) sir, I can spell it, but I don’t know where exactly to stop.

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the classroom. Teacher: Why are you arguing? Steve: we found a thousand Naira note and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie. Teacher: You should be ashamed of yourselves, when I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was. The boys gave the one thousand Naira to the teacher.

Segun got to school late on Monday morning; Teacher: Why are you late today? Segun: a man lost his one thousand naira note at the bus stop. Teacher: that’s nice of you. I presume you were helping him to look for the money. Segun: no! Am I that stupid? I was standing on it since morning.

A police officer found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists. One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem. A 10 years old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said “Radar Trap Ahead.” A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy’s accomplice: another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket at his feet full of change.

An accident occurred today, 12 people were injured and 11 died. The minister of health promised to offer N5000 to the injured and N6million to the dead for their funeral. All of a sudden, one of the injured got up and moved towards where the dead people were. Immediately, one of the dead people whispered to him; "Bros, go back to your place, don't bring confusion here, they have already counted us."

Uche: Mummy, I'm going to Wole's house. Mom: There's no fuel in the car. Uche: But mummy, I'm walking there. Mom: If you get missing, is it not the fuel in the car we'll use to look for you?

I discovered something terrible with my neighbour. He was very sick and called a witch doctor to come to his house. The witch doctor said his case was critical and he could not be cured, but the sickness can be transferred to another person. My neighbour accepted. The witch doctor worked on him and told him "as I am leaving, if anyone opens the door, you must shout 'tchaa' and this person will die in your place." The wutch doctor left and my neighbour was waiting for the first unlucky person, so as to say 'tchaa' and transfer his sickness and be cured. But the witch doctor discovered that he didn't collect any money from my neighbour, so he decided to risk it all and go back. As soon as he opened the door, my neighbour shouted 'tchaa,' the witch doctor shouted 'retchaa,' my neighbour shouted 'reretchaa' the witch doctor shouted 'rereretchaa.' As I am telling you now, the entire neighborhood are watching how the two are in 'rererererererere tchaaa," competition...

When Nigerians are planning wedding you'll see colours like... Satan black Angel Gabriel blue Heavenly gold Orange fanta Vampire red Onion purple Corn yellow Nigerian green African brown Cockroach brown Jollof orange Custard yellow Sunrise yellow

f Ade likes the sun does that make him Sunny Ade.

A Little Boy in a family Was Ordered To Pray before they could go to sleep for the Night! Boy: I Don't Know How To Pray.....! Dad: Just Pray For Every Thing You Know about The Family And Our Neighbours. Boy: Mummy, Please, Tell Daddy I Can't Pray! Mummy:: Shut Up, If You Don't Pray You'll Not Eat Food In this House! Boy: Dad, Tell Sister To Pray Please...! Dad: My son, Pray Before I Slap You Hard Now! Boy: "Dear Lord....." He Started.....! "Thank You Oh God For Our Visitors And Their Children Who always Come Here To Eat Our Food, Don't Let Them Finish All Our Food for we shall be Hungry! From Today Father, Any Boy Who Beats Or Slaps Me In School, Help Me To Slap Them Back! Forgive Our Driver Who I Always See Naked With My Sister Wrestling On The Bed! Help my sister to fight back before the driver can make her grow round! Forgive my elder brother who doesn't sleep at home regularly! Please, Provide Clothes To All The Naked Ladies On My Daddy's Phone and don't let them drain my father's salary! Give my Daddy courage to buy for us good things as he always do to Aunty our house girl! Again Lord Don't Let Our House Girl Put Her Mouth Inside My Daddy's Mouth Again! Please, Provide Shelter For All The Men Who Sleep In Mum's Room Anytime Dad Travels. Forgive me wherever I have asked wrongly! In Jesus Name I pray.....!" Nobody said AMEN!! Every Body Regretted Ever Forcing Him To Pray...