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Stats: 1060593 members, 1230078 topics. Date: Saturday, 18 May 2013 at 10:53 PM
|My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by overwhelmd: 1:46am On Nov 27, 2011|
Chose this section of the forum because am of the believe I will get a candid advise. Am a mother of seven, the first three have graduated. The fourth a boy(24yrs). (All his 9 papers in WAEC were excellent so was his JAMB). He was admitted too into a University to read his chosen course in 2005. In 2009 the year we expected him to graduate, he told us that he failed a paper in his 2nd year so didn't graduate 2009, but would graduate 2010. We sympathized and encouraged him to work harder to clear the course and complete his program. In all these 5 years we supported him morally and financially as we did to the previous three, his siblings.
He even told us of the project he was to write before graduating in 2010. He wrote and completed the project even gave us a copy. I was so happy and was looking forward to his NYSC in 2011. Though his dad, always looked suspicious of him. When it was time for the NYSC, we found out certain things he was saying about the service were not logical. At this point I asked him for documents relating to his academic activities, he could not give me any. So we decided to go to the University and find out. It was then we found out that he was withdrawn from the University in his 2nd year (2007). So all these years he was lying. I was shocked & devastated.
We then decided he should start all over, by taking the next JAMB, and further advised that, if his previous course was difficult he should change to another, but he is refusing that. He is insisting to do the "Open university" which i feel is too long a program (duration of completing a degree). He now avoid discussions with us, keeps himself in the room for the whole day becoming irritable & very hostile especially to the younger ones. what do I do, what do I say, how best do I go about this please?
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by davidylan(m): 1:48am On Nov 27, 2011|
At 24, he is old enough to take care of himself. Why is he in your house? surely he can get a job and pay his own rent right?
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by overwhelmd: 2:06am On Nov 27, 2011|
Thanks for your response. But he is my child, he is my responsibility, to be in my house till he gets his own. What job can he get with Secondary School cert? In Nigeria today a graduate with a degree hardly gets a job, how then can a School cert holder?
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by davidylan(m): 2:13am On Nov 27, 2011|
that there is the problem. As long as he has you to fall back on where is the incentive for him to work hard to care for himself? So if at 36 he still chooses to loaf around you will still keep a room for him in your house? I'm glad my father was much tougher on me, he told me in no uncertain terms that the days of owning a room in his house ended the very day i finished final exams in Uni. I was 22 . . . and i've been taking care of myself ever since. At 24 many of us were living in foreign lands working and schooling to get by . . . your son is no longer a child to be spoon fed.
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by coogar: 2:23am On Nov 27, 2011|
send him abroad - the shame of starting all over again his killing him. his mates have now graduated, probably working in big companies and this young man's ego won't just let him start all over again - it's the best option though but if he's not ready for it, forcing him would produce worse results.
if sending him abroad is steep a price to pay - let him get into the world of certification courses. the degrees in nigeria are not worth tissue paper anyways. let him register for acca(chartered accounting), ccna(cisco - computer networking) or sap! these are good courses he can take and still catch up with his mates.
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by OYINBOGOJU(m): 9:42am On Nov 27, 2011|
You have to know that you can never decide for him,that he is living in ur house does not mean you have to take final decision for him.
At the age of 24 in Abroad,a child already know what they want to do and be in life.
Have you ever asked him what he want to do next?
Going to Open university might not be the best option for now because the hang over will still be there and the pride will not let him concentrate enough.
Send him abroad.
His brain will open to many other things and will even take him above all his former mate.
A lot of people are there without tertiary education but the experience is there which gives them more edge more than their counterpart in NIgeria.
Going abroad will make him bury his pride and he will learn to start all over again.
Going abroad will also save you parent from constant heartbreak seeing his mate flourishing in their chosen field.
The decision is His and not yours as parent.
Never force him to do whatever he doesn`t want to do and if you insist on your ideas only you will only end up with another heartbreak.
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by NiaLong(f): 3:35pm On Nov 27, 2011|
i really understand your situation and i do feel for you. but i think u have done very well by giving him a second chance to get a university degree. however sending him overseas to avoid the shame is like telling him that he did not wrong , he should be ready to face the consequences of his action. at his age and with all he has put u through he should be grateful that u and his father are willing to help him get back on his feet. he can catch up by putting in his very best and studying for a certification. with his attitude he really doesnt seem to have learnt his lesson. what he needs is tough love. God help u through.
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by maclatunji: 3:46pm On Nov 27, 2011|
This story is not complete. Tell us what he says he was doing with all the money you gave him and the time he had to burn. Is it that he is into Music or something like that? Or is he good with computers? Once you know what he did with his time, you can now begin to see if it is something you can support or maybe you really need to get tough on this naughty son.
I empathize with you but you can still make a wise decision if you can all talk (Father, Mother & Son) to sort-out the issue. Sometimes our near-kin behave irrationally we just have to deal with it in the best way possible.
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by 2goodbobo(m): 4:07pm On Nov 27, 2011|
Those of you giving her advise to send him abroad, have you stop and ask yourselves if she has the wherewhital to send him abroad? secondly you should not compare abroad and Nigeria in terms of the way they do their things. for example, in abroad, boy of 19 or 20 yrs
can stay on his own due to how develope and easy life is for them over there but here in Nigeria,you can hardly see independent people that are withing the ages of 19,20,21,22.
that have houses of their own.
My advise is to keep praying for him and keep talking to him about the importance of school.
some said in his post that graduate certificate is worthless but i tell you is not cos when you
get a job, it will shoot you to a higer level.
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by Outstrip(f): 8:37pm On Nov 27, 2011|
Send him abraod ke. Please lets get serious here. The parents are not serious minded either. I don't know how you send your child to school especially if even by your own account you r husband was suspicious and never even go to campus to see what is going on. I am sure whenever his dad raised suspicion you found a way to cover for him. Now you are on here again trying to cover for him again. You have to insist he goes to school andif he refuses you kick him out. A 24 year old that his mother is still chasing him up and down to do something that 18 year old kids do everyday. I know you will get defensive but cuddling him will not help. I am sure all those years he was collecting money for tuition and books. If you claim that he is your responsibility then you should have known the moment he dropped his classes. The problem is that Nigerians will shout he is my responsibility to useless their child with indsicipline but will not put that same energy to make ure that that child gets to the point that he is 24 and has been lying and possibly stealing from his parents for years.
I know you will not listen. I know you will even pack him up to go overseas as some have suggested. That will save him from the shame he brought on himself. Let him feel that shame. It is important that he feels it. As you make yoru bed so you lie on it. If you want to take a short cut and not let him lie on it then do not cry when he wants to take the short cut on everything else.
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by overwhelmd: 9:00pm On Nov 27, 2011|
My gratitude for the response. Before the discovery of the truth (2009) he was seriously talking of wanting to go to India for the "cisco-computer networking" but we didnt allow that because we are of the believe that "that comes after 1st degree graduation". Is that certification course possible without the 1 st degree? If he gets "cisco" does that qualify him into the labour market of "computer science" requirement?
Thanks for all you said, but my fear (our fear) is that he might not do the right thing there too, because he was basically leaving with us while in the University, he was coming home almost every weekend as the University not too far from our home (less than 70km). We never imposed our wishes on him, he chose to read Computer Science and we wished him well. All we are praying for was for him to build himself up by graduating and then getting a job or any other thing. But a university degree must come first.
Yes we asked him his plans and he gave two:- (a) wants to do business (b) wants to studies in the Open University.
But our observations and fears are (1) Doesn't have the capital, connection and experience to start a business (2) from current event he is not responsible enough to do the Open university system and it takes too long to graduate.
Thanks for yours especially bold ones, That might equally give a wrong impression to his younger ones.
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by Roland17(m): 10:52pm On Nov 27, 2011|
So many Nigerian parents are going through same issue, some children present fake certificates to their parents as degrees, some have done a lot of fake documentation to deceive parents they are in school, i would say you are lucky to discover, so many parents are still living in deceit.
I would not subscribe to sending him abroad if its not part of his plan or you don't trust him enough, he is mature enough to make decisions, i would say you allow him get into the open University like he wants, he is probably feeling dejected and sad that he disappointed everyone, that's why he is reacting that way, its more of a psychological issue now, all he needs is motivation and inspiration, avoid nagging at him if u or ur husband have been doing that, else you might wake to meet his absence.
You would be fine.
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by coogar: 11:57pm On Nov 27, 2011|
all the certifications listed there are possible without a degree certificate. i don't know about nigeria cos we worship certificates there a lot. my superiors here(united kingdom) in the engineering field have no first degrees and they are doing very well. they got to this position via certification courses. it seems the boy likes computer science - encourage him and let him start ccna or sap!
i also think the reason he doesn't want to go back to school is the shame surrounding that particular move! it's not like he doesn't want to be responsible. if he finds himself in a new environment with a stern warning that this is his last chance - i doubt he would make the same mistakes. i am quite sure he will do very well if sent abroad where he can do his studies without having to worry about gossips.
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by Yield(f): 1:31am On Nov 28, 2011|
I don't know why some of you are comparing him to yourselves, or others.
Overwhelmd, I would say the reason he's not happy and acting out's because he probably feels he has let himself down and most importantly, you, his parents. I know Nigerian parents have high expectations for their children when it comes to education, and a lot of things in general. And now that he finds himself in this situation he probably feels like a failure. He could even be depressed, either because of his situation or something else entirely. A lot of times people's sadness can come out as anger. He needs encouragement and motivation, not ridicule and definitely not comparisons with others. Everyone's path is different.
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by BCuZiMBlaCk(m): 10:21am On Nov 28, 2011|
Chai, I like my paleh for this kind situation oo. Na mechanic work e 4 don find for am to take start life. But all the same u do what is best 4 ur son @OP but not until he shows remorse for his actions
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by odiaero(m): 10:23am On Nov 28, 2011|
@OP, you should try and find out bout if he's a cult member, this prevent students of nowadays from schooling
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by blank(f): 10:25am On Nov 28, 2011|
Let him take responsibility for his life and his mistakes. If he wants to lay around and waste his life, let him do so but not in your house. At 24 yrs, he still needs to be treated like a baby. I feel like giving him a very serious thrashing for wasting your money and his time doing nothing. He must be one of those boys (u see dem all the time in school) laying around and doing nothing. They will smoke, drink, chase girls and cause damage in the school cos they are lazy and silly.
Did he think he will never be found out? Why did he not start the cisco or wharreva while he was whiling away time in the uni? There is a point where u av to let averyone face their own paths in life. If that is what he wants, leave him be.
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by Ijogz K(m): 10:28am On Nov 28, 2011|
Train your child in the way he should go and when he grows, he would not depart from it.,, Them no born u well make u try this kan thin for my house. You self no go come back come meet my papa or mama,
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by AVISENNA: 10:41am On Nov 28, 2011|
i hope this meets you well. Sometimes , ppl find it hard to relate to others on issues like failure. at some point in his bid to impress his friends and also his family he kept mum. I Know loads of people who had this problem . It might shock you , some in the corridors of power, some have move on, some are just stuck there not know what to do (causing problem on the streets of Lagos and at home). What i am saying is that your son is not and will never be the only person who has and will ever do this.
Now this is where you come in: warm up to him as his mother , let members of his family encourage him most especially your husband. I know it's hard but the truth is that you have to help him, Why? If you let him be, he will live with a complex for the rest of his life for not being able to go through the university.
I pray God will help you most especially in the area of finance: encourage your son to go back to school and let him study a course of his choice, that will be easy for him to relate with.You 'll be surprised how fast time flies but PLEASE , encourage him , .I have a good feeling he'll come out tops. He's 24, with seriousness he'll finish before 28/29yrs and still make NYSC. When you do this : he'll for ever be in your debt.
What do you think Jesus would do.
Look forward to hearing from you.
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by Ujujoan(f): 10:42am On Nov 28, 2011|
Your post is filled with ignorance . . .
Children from the best of homes have been known to turn out the worst. Go to the Universities and see the cult memebers, you'll be surprised they come from the most responsible and strictest homes.
University is a time for children to discover themselves and that's when most of them lose at as a result of peer pressure and bad company.
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by Ujujoan(f): 10:49am On Nov 28, 2011|
I feel sad for you ma'm . . . Nobody prays for something like this to happen and certainly, NOBODY plans for it. But it's happened.
I hope you and your hubby don't feel responsible in any way because trust me it's not your fault. You did the best you could do but he made a choice and that is NOT your fault.
However, it'll be nice if parents learned to gain the trust of their Children. The days of 'if you fail, I'll kill you are over' . . . Because a child who deosn't want to be 'killed' will fail and do exactly what your son did.
Anyways, now will be a good time to teach him to take responsibility for his actions and you can't do that by making excuses for him. He's 24 yrs old and I'm sure he's aware that he's an adult. Don't cuddle him. Be firm and reasonable at the same time. Dont 'punish' him for what he did, but he has to take some responsibility for it.
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by lucy1(f): 10:58am On Nov 28, 2011|
LMAO!!!! Mugu parents. na una sabi train children. How is this one possible and u still call urself parents. hahhahahahaha!
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by lucom: 10:59am On Nov 28, 2011|
@ OP:Sorry about this story of your son, as much as I don't know your family I may not be able to pass a fair comment but IMO you have allowed this to happen because I don't see why you decided to check on him only when his story are no longer logical, well that said. I think you have made him too comfortable because most forward going young guys of nowadays started being on their own early in life. At his age I already bought my first car, not because I had rich parents but because I took my destiny into my hands early in life in fact my parents can even be rated below middle class. Some people here are suggesting you send him abroad, please don't it could turn out worse for him rather get him a good counsellor to talk him out of his shame and face his life as his actions or inactions at this stage of his life will write the script for the rest of his life.
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by SanFranc(m): 11:01am On Nov 28, 2011|
Guess the guy is the black sheep of the large family, 7 kids!! wow!
My advice is now is the right time to get closer to him as a mother, cos he is being externally influenced and I hope he won't bring further shame to the parents.
There was an apparent lax in his upbringing, so please do not send him to any foreign country now until he realizes his folly and you are convinced he has turned a new leaf.
let the father immediately dedicate more time to him in counselling, prayers and even in practical terms--visit a police station cell, under the overhead bridges and other areas where drop outs hang out,
I'm sure he will change sooner than later.
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by r231(m): 11:03am On Nov 28, 2011|
not funny. . . not nice either
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by maxygirl(f): 11:12am On Nov 28, 2011|
Sending him abroad is only a good idea if he shows some level of responsibility and maturity. try and understand his plight and talk to him. No matter what, you are his mother and i know as every good mother, you feel a high level of responsibility to your child. Maybe you can go to somewhere quiet with him and try and get into his mind, Or talk to any of his close friends to know what he is felling.
I wish you well
Very silly. If you have nothing to contribute. Please keep mute
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by Ujujoan(f): 11:12am On Nov 28, 2011|
That's why kids shouldn't be allowed to comment on topics like this!
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by Okija_juju(m): 11:13am On Nov 28, 2011|
First and foremost, ITS ALL YOU & YOUR HUSBANDS FAULT!
YES!! YEss I said it!
How is it that you send your Kids off to the University and you do not take interest in finding out how they are fareing in school?! How is it that you found out after 5 - 6 years that he was not even in school anymore?! How come you didnt have the direct phone number of atleast 2 lecturers and his Head of Department?! I'm sorry but you have failed in your duties as a mother to your son! (THATS JUST THE PLAIN TRUTH)!
That said, time to seek a remedy!
I have several friends who have had similar situation.
The first guy's parents found out that their kid hasnt attended any class since his 2nd year on the day of Convocation (They actually travelled with an entourage from Nigeria to attend the Convocation of their son and Daught only to find out that it was only their daughter that was graduating and not their son). It wasnt like he got expelled or anything, he just stopped attending classes and when once you miss classes for more that two weeks in a semester, that was it for you! You have failed for that semester. NOW! What did the parents do! They quickly sent the kid to the U.K and he just went south from their! Today! He is yet to gain admission into any school!
The Second guy! His mum was always very active in his life. She would come to school on a regular. But the problem with her was she always called him before she cam eso he fomulated a perfect scheme and ran circles circles around her so she never did get any good info about his welfare because he selected the lecturers she met with on all her visits. Now in his 3rd year, it was around his birthday so the mum decided to pay him a surprise visit in school. On this fateful day, the mum actually came into school, asked for the sons departments office, asked to see the H.O.D and then she got the shock of her life. I remember that day because we were all chilling when he recieved a call telling him his mum was in the H.O.D's office and she wanted to see him! 3 years!! Over 25,000 U$D down the drain! In this case, the mum counted her loss and took him home with her. He stayed at home for an entire year sweating his spheres off working menial jobs and feeding himself. After the one year, the Dad calls him up and makes him an offer. . . "Go back to school or go fend for yourself, this is your last chance". Long story short, the boy just Graduated last year from the Cyprus with a Secnd Class Upper degree in Engineering.
My advice to you is to send your son out to fend for himself for atleast one year! After he must have understood how life is, ask him what he wants to do! Then make up your mind what you want!
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by bandiejay(m): 11:13am On Nov 28, 2011|
dammmn! enrol him for some professional courses and let him start a career from there and who knows in future he might decided to go back to school
as a mother i know how you will be feeling but Damn 3 years is a lot mine was just 1 year and i made use of all the money i realize from my parent wisely. i wish him Good luck but plz try and find out what he is up to for making such decisions,
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by atasteve: 11:14am On Nov 28, 2011|
The first thing that you and Oga need to do is to create an atmosphere of understanding and encouragement for him.
Don't listen to those people that said you should send him abroad (what you can't achieve in Nigeria might not be achievable abroad).
Don't listen to those that said he is old enough to take care of himself (If he is matured enough, he would have handled the situation differetly.)
Going forward there is nothing you can compare to the basic education, he needs to be encouraged to go back to school and possible study something related to computer science. I heard they do Cisco courses in some private universities, although not too sure.
He can then go fo the Cisco academy for more certifications. There are some of us that have these certifications but the truth is that in Nigeria you need to also have certificate from regular school to be able to contend better in the labour market.
But ultimately an enabling and loving environment must be created for him to regain his confidence. Madam, he is your son and you must fight for his future. Your work is not done on him until he is able to stand, ma.
I wish you God's speed as you hand his case over to God in prayer.
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by ILOEGBE(f): 11:17am On Nov 28, 2011|
lucy1:@ lucy that wasn't called for at all, did you read to see that she had trained 3 senior ones before this one.
@ poster, we had a similar experience in my house also and now to the glory of Almighty God, my younger is serving now. it takes patience, love and understanding for you to go through this. my brother dropped out when he was in 300 levels and it was a struggle to send him back to school, we struggled with bad friends and peer pressure. He graduated at the top of his class in june this year. Don't send him abroad, change his school and keep a close watch on him. he should study a course he loves, please on no account should you impose a course on him. Just show him lots of love but also admonish him when he is wrong. I know God will see you through and i wish you best of luck.
|Re: My Son Lied To Us For Three Years, That He Was In The University. by BEN1986: 11:18am On Nov 28, 2011|
He is your son. Now that you are alive try to do the best to help him earn a living or else he is going to be a torn on the other children's flesh. He can even organize Kidnapping when he can no more get money from them. Please do your best to savage the situation now because he is a moving hazard to everyone in your side.
1. Show him love, not time to blame
2. Show concern in all what he does
3. Again be mindful of the friends he keeps, discard the ones he has before as they were instrumental to his present stay,a true friend will do everything possible to see the best of their friend even letting you know or pressurize him to do so.
4. Let him be closer top God, seek Pastors assistance to talk and encourage him.
5. Seek the help of a psychologist.
He must go back to school
It is well.
it is better now than neva
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