Confront Or Collect?

Assuming you suspect that your mate is not being completely honest with you about cheating, spending habits or any other action that is not in line with maintaining a positive, successful relationship, should you confront him or her straight away or try to 'collect' evidence and then take action? what do ya'll think.

relationships are sentive things. you can't just go confronting your mate simply becuase of suspicion, what if you are wrong? i think that you should very very carefully try to confirm what you have suspected and then carefully talk with him or her about the issue when both of you are calm and level headed.

It depends on what exactly your husband or wife has done. I'm sure that some situations will warrant confrontation while some will require further investigation. Good luck, Onyibaby!

I would never investigate my husband.
I never look at his mail, take his calls on his mobile or even open his wallet.
A Relationship should be based on trust.
If I have a suspicion I would ask him. Asking is different from accusing.

l do by all means trust my instinicts, but then i don't let my suspicions get the best of me.ok in a situation where you direct your concerns without outright accusing your mate but at the same time feel that something just doesn't feel right . is it ok then to snoop? even though your mate has attempted to quell your concerns.

am not sure it si ever ok to snoop. what if you really arew rong and your mate finds out you were snooping, the trust will be affected. there was in a situation recently with someone where she fe that something just didnt feel right and i advised her to bide her time even though every time she0 felt like just bursting out with the suspicions, but she kept waiting, picking up things here and there without snooping at all and of course as the case usually is he got careless and it was actually a case of being caught red handed.

The best thing is that you should take your time on investigating, check out stuffs or clues that lead to wateva u think, Its just like accusing someone of stealing and you find out the person is innocent. Step by Step to find out.

I will prefer she confronts me, that way we can clear things up, if u keep it silent, it might get out of hand,

this is a tough one, on one hand, whats the use of confronting someone if the person is not going to be honest? on the other hand, gathering evidence has got to be tiring business wat if u find out u were wrong? u will just end up looking stupid

anyway i guess that if u are not a naturally suspicious person and your instincts tell u that there's something is up then there is 90% probability that there is.

It requires wisdom and understanding of your spouse. You are in a better condition to judge. If you want a lasting relationship however, you should trust your spouse and close your ears to what you hear till something pops up into the open. Do this if only for your relationship because relationships are best built on trust.

if you suspect him why not just ask in a nice and straight foward way and see the way he reacts,that is if you actually have reason to suspect him, not because your friends friend told you that she saw him in one place with another person and this and that,

in a relationship there's gotta be trust but nobody is perfect
you don't really have to start investigating your spouse but you could just check his/her mails once in a while to ensure that the love you once had for him/her is still burning
but if wanna confront anybody make sure you have ample proof that he/she has done whatz not right

Hmm, that's a hard one, but to be completely honest, I'd do both.Collect evidence then confront him with it. It saves too much wahala!

Whateva things men do,they hate open confrontations.open confrontations only aggravate matters!!!

I will inform him on what i know and let him know what i think about it.
And i will not and never put what i said in a question form so that he will know am not expecting an answer and that he has the right to be silence and not even answer me.

@ Mamaput
men can be naive, that trick always works

ho yes the look on their faces when they try to defend them selves and you tell them you are only informing them .
Then i add do what you want but don't take me for a fool , that i will not forgive you.

No need to collect evidence. Catch him red handed and then hear him out.

Fluffy:

No need to collect evidence. Catch him red handed and then hear him out.

after catching him redhanded, what are u hearing out? its either you can take it, or you cant.

relationshìp is based of trust.confronting your spouse with evidence is like offering him a chance to defend his person.remember he has a choice to defend his/her integrity.
investigating your spouse is like proving to yourslf that what you suspect is right.it is weakness on your part.it is time-consuming.
in essence,there are better ways to influence your spouse.
nikinash and nawah could be right

@legs

He might have a very good reason for doing whateva u caught him doing, unless u caught him in bed cheating of course

one fine day , i heard my ex asking my daughter what i do with other men when i go out with her do i kiss them Bla bla bla,.

I went mad. That day i told him that if i wanted to i will bring an other man home in front of him
go to the bed room with this man in front of him and have sex.
a<nd there is nothing he can do about it.
Os he should not insult me and ask my daughter questions.
he is free to ask me.

if you "suspect" that something is up, you should talk to your person about it.

When you go to the point of even LOOKING for evidence, you no longer trust that person. No matter how you try to rationalize it to yourself, plain and simple, you don't trust the person. At this point, you may have just created bigger problems for yourself.

Give him d chance,he will deny perfectly,so just get clear evidence and confront him ,without that he will turn it around and you end up regretting it.

allonym,come to think of this:effortlessly,you have what it takes to nail her but decided to ask her if she is having an affair.she denies.will you still trust her response?somehow,i am beginning to think that it depends on how your g/b friend has built the trust in you.trust should be earned.it is a gift that deserve its respect.it is the only gift the recepient has to pay for before receiving.

See, the question is what you want for the relationship. If you confront him and He goes "gaga", the relationship might crumble and I guess you don't want that. Why not try to trust him and make him tell you you can still trust him. You can hang on to that.
You must also be sure you are not doing sth to warrant cheating on you. some ladies can be silly you know.

seunmii:

allonym,come to think of this:effortlessly,you have what it takes to nail her but decided to ask her if she is having an affair.she denies.will you still trust her response?somehow,i am beginning to think that it depends on how your g/b friend has built the trust in you.trust should be earned.it is a gift that deserve its respect.it is the only gift the recepient has to pay for before receiving.

It is just my opinion, but I think a person would be incredibly stupid to marry someone they didn't trust. I would think they'd have earned your trust and respect by that point.

As far as your hypothetical situation, I already said that collecting such evidence indicates you no longer trust them. . . so, if I was at that point, I already would not trust them, and thus would not have to deal with the issue of having to decide whether or not to trust the response.

Fluffy:

@legs

He might have a very good reason for doing whateva u caught him doing, unless u caught him in bed cheating of course

fluffy, a good reason for cheating? (whether in or out of bed) i would certainly love to hear one if you can come up with it.

Me too

I was listening to this prog on radio and the anchor man says u should first be the friend of someone you wanna go out with so u guys can trust yourselves.
I think He's right.

In the first place there is no need for the name 'dishonest spouse' when there are no evidence to prove that, thus no need for confrontation.

Rosby:

In the first place there is no need for the name 'dishonest spouse' when there are no evidence to prove that, thus no need for confrontation.

That is so true. Somone tells me. . .often. . . that the things you say about yourself can bring either blessings or curses onto you. If you are treating someone or calling them (even in your mind) a dishonest spouse, even when there is no real evidence to make this judgement, you are on a dangerous path.

It is easy to misinterpret the actions of another person when you have projected negative. . . images onto them. For example, many people have been seriously injured or worse by reaching into their pockets or some other (normally) harmless motion by police (or some other person) who believed (erroneously) that said person was armed and dangerous.